F.E.A.R. slave

A new decade, a new profile. The past decade was definitely eventful, hopefully the new one is the same but in a better way. To those of you who ever called me inspirational, i'm honored as always but afraid i have to burst the dreamy bubble as my journey as an owned slave was ended quite some time ago. i never regret giving it a try, and if there's a next time, at least i'll be less naive and entering it on my terms.

i'm enjoying a rare moment of maximum independence, building my own unique memory that's not polluted by anyone i let into my life unwisely. i'm open to play and friend, would love to have regular play mate, but only passively "looking" for a collared status if at all.

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In terms of play, a set of matching interests from opposite direction is essential. Here are my "into"s:

- a headspace of being inferior to serve/worship (Alpha/faggot dynamics, feet/armpit/body worship, male scent, cum, cmnm, protocol/rule, verbal, shared/loaned, treated as a toy/pet/servant)

- Bondage to be helplessly exposed to access/tease/invasion (edging, tickle, fuck, ass play, used both ends...)

- Sexually controlled and be at service (long term chastity, milking, face fuck...)

- Mixture of pain and pleasure (tt, cbt, electro...)

- Body mod (laser hair removal, shave, tattoo, piercing...)

- Conditioning (cum on order, cum when penetrated...)

* about impact play: i got some pretty extreme stuff on Tumblr/BDSMlr, and i have whipping videos on xtube. It was almost my brand. i guess it's a sign of masculinity in which i take pride, but it's been kind of ruined since the ability was used too much. A skillful counterpart i can trust can still try single tail.

* about chastity and key-holding: it's always a primary need for me. A serious key holder is always welcomed. Key-holding is both a right and a responsibility, and should be enjoyed by both.

* F.E.A.R. is an acronym and i don't really enjoy fear in play. The phrase (in my profile title) was actually from a gang's mantra on the news but i feel it's relevant to BDSM - a gang can be quite BDSMish, right?

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If You are still reading here, i guess You would like to know what my ideal Dom/Master is like:

- demand worship by being worship-worthy: be it physical, mental, intellectual, social, spiritual, experiential, have some substance and uniqueness. In fact, those who are worship-worthy doesn't need to demand worship themselves. It would be an honor, a pride, a privilege for me to call such a person Master.

- a mentor and a protector: i'm always a boy inside no matter what title i hold or how many adults i manage. i need a structure in life and a figure to look up to. i guess it's kind of Old Guard or Ancient Greek.

- take care of Himself: how can someone make valid promise to take care of someone else if he cannot even take care of himself, have control of his own life, or, have a say in his own house?

- be a basically decent human being: although i would worship the Dom as a god, He's still an imperfect human. It's an unequal relationship and absolute power usually leads to absolute corruption. With a higher ethical standard willingly held by Him against Himself, at least there's a better chance of dignity and fairness when things go wrong. i'll never trust a Dom who's not nice to a supermarket cashier.

- not closeted as a kinkster: He doesn't need to tattoo "I'm a MASTER" on His forehead or tell everyone at work, but at least has some connections and involvement in the community, a non-empty friend list on Recon, some good friends who know this side of His life, and a reputation to keep.

twitter @fearslave

Recently several followers have messaged me wondering why there were no new updates - to me it’s kind of a happy surprise that there are people who enjoy what i posted and care enough to ask for more of them. Thank You! And i’ll try to be more disciplined with my posting activity. The truth is, my life is not that different from anyone else and distractions are constant - dealing with office politics, pursuing some hobbies, getting annoyed by plumbing issues of my shower... (except, there’s a world-class jail/dungeon space on the other side of my wall)

So today’s topic is violet wand branding again.

Two days before last year’s Folsom Street Fair, Master and i decided to do some body decoration for the event. We used the same stencils as last time and chose my chest as the new location. It hurt a bit more than on the butt, but quite manageable. Five visitors who were playing in the jail witnessed the process.

Just after it was done...

After two days, it turned dark red with some burn blisters and did draw a lot of attention and questions in the street fair... (and yes, that small scar on my shoulder was from a whip wrapping)

After one week, the scar fell off and the healed skin turned purple then brown...

Half year later...

And after 8 months, this is how it looks today...

Head Box

SeriousMaleBondage got new heavy bondage equipment and Master took me there to try it. It's a very well crafted head box, with lab-quality aluminum frame and inch-thick resin glass. It was so heavy that has to be hanged from ceiling with a bolted structure supporting it.

After carefully adjusting the height of the box, my head was locked into the box after i was put into straight jacket and canvas hood. The hole at the bottom of the box allowed me to turn but i was locked in that position. The front glass of the box has a hole and Sir Ray blew cigar smoke through it and sealed my head in it. It was my first cigar play and not as bad as i expected - i kind of liked the feeling of being forced to breath it.

Jail Sessions - 2

Later that day and the next day we had more video shooting sessions, which was a lot of fun.

First we used the jail wall as the background, and tied up 4 guys with different gear. The first one was our host, who was put in my Master's leather mailbag and hanged from the wall, then there was me, who was strapped tightly in a sleep sack by Master. The other two was put in leather straitjacket and rubber suit respectively. After all were done, it looked quite awesome with the variety and the jail scene. Before i was released after the shooting was done, Master rubbed my nipples as a reward and i cum in my chastity device under the leather.

Later we did a video with a "zombie apocalypse" scene. Master put on medical uniform and acted as the doctor, which made it super fun for me. i was first strapped in the sleep sack, then put on a stretcher that was hanged in the middle of a jail cell by multiple chains. It was quite comfortable and i enjoyed being heavily constrained like that.

Jail Sessions - 1

Master and I recently participated in a video shoot inside an old jail from 1874 with seriousmalebondage.com. After a day of travel, we arrived at a small town in the middle of vast corn fields.

The jail has over a hundred years of history and looks very sturdy inside and out. The three jail cells are probably the highest security type, even more secure than what you see at Alcatraz. It reminded me of the heavy metal riveted plating on old ships. Everything still works well, the solid steel doors make a loud sound when being shut down, just like what you see in a jail movie. Master and i spent the first night sleeping in one of the cells, an interesting experience. The are rumors of it being haunted, if you believe such thing.

In the morning i showered in the prisoner's shower and got ready for the first video shoot. We went to the basement of the jail where the walls are made out of old stones, which gives it the right dungeon look. The first scene was about 3 prisoners with their heads casted (in fiberglass) and then getting tormented by a mysterious captor they could not see. It was a creative idea and turned out well, but the preparation was a long process.

The cast required three layers of material and the last one is the magic part, which gets really hard after being sprayed with water. i often wondered what a doctor would think if he knew what we did for fun with the medical supplies. It was actually not too tight after it was done and the cast fitted my head perfectly. It was a special bondage feeling other than a leather hood.

A hook was casted in on top of my head. It was attached to chains hanging from the ceiling and became a secure restraint. Three of us were exploring blindly in the room and feeling each other while my Master acted as the aggressor enjoying pushing us from every direction. We struggled and try to avoid, bouncing in to each other.

i’ve been always into chastity since i knew there was such thing for men. i wore a CB3000 a long time ago (CB6000 was not even on the market yet) without a key holder. The longest time i wore it was about 2 weeks, which ended with a flooding wet dream inside the device.

Master always regards chastity devices more as a symbol than an effective mechanism - a guy would always be able to find a way to “come” (like i can with only rubbing my nipples) if he does not willingly submit his sexuality. i was still so eager to wear one and after begging many times, Master let me do some research to find a good one - no cheap plastic, and must be totally secure and lockable without escape.

i first turned to Steelwerks Extreme as it’s possibly the best you can find. i even met its owner Chris at seriousmalebondage studio when they videotaped the “gathering” of amazing chastity enthusiasts. Finally i didn’t follow through, mostly because i felt the devices would be too bulky for my build, while i didn’t want a minimalistic type which i guess would only prevent me from stimulating others but not constrain an erection - preventing an improper erection by keeping “it” downward is important to me and seems only achievable with a design with base ring.

After a lot of research, i finally decided a customized design with Steelworxx (it’s interesting they got such similar names). It’s a combination of Seduro Cage 2 and Looker 3, with additional scrotum lock. After over 2 months’ wait, it finally arrived in a package from Germany!

The device includes a base ring, a cage, a removable titanium urethra tube, a PA pin with key, and a removable and lockable scrotum ring.

Below is a look from front. The urethra tube is screwed on with a nut that sticks out a little bit. The scrotum ring is not perfectly horizontal, and i guess it’s due to an extra enhancement to the connection between base ring and scrotum ring. It doesn’t matter much after i wear it.

The urethra tube is the best part. Thinking about my slave cock is locked both outside and inside is very erotic. It’s also the most difficult one to get right. When i ordered it, i just got the PA at gauge 8. The PA ping was in turn a gauge 8, which presented some problem after i tried it on: by nature the PA ping must be externally threaded, so it easily scratched the other side of the PA hole in the urethra. i finally find a solution and started to stretch my PA. Now my PA hole is gauge 2 after a couple month of stretching (yeah it’s fast and i was surprised it was so easy). i’m waiting for a flesh tunnel to put it in and the pin would go through the hole of that tunnel without contacting any flesh of mine.

The scrotum ring shares the same lock/key as the base ring, which makes things easier. i found i would need some more serious ball stretching to wear it long term, and fortunately it’s removable.

To break in the new device was quite challenging at the beginning. i only got experience with a plastic CB and i don’t remember it was difficult. The steel cage is a totally different thing. i woke up literally every hour at the first several nights with a painful erection. It finally got better after 3 or 4 days and i could sleep through the night. The excitement at the beginning caused constant arousal and some edema, which are now gone too. It’s nice to feel the slave cock peacefully staying inside the cage.

Slave Suit

i love to be naked around Master as that feels most natural and comfortable for a slave. But reality sometimes still requires clothes, to prevent slave from getting sick and useless when it's cold, or when slave needs to work outside its slave room, for example.

Master had been looking for a proper slave suit before. It should not be a normal clothes for normal people, and should provide easiest access to slave body when Master needs. i proposed cushion cover as inspired by Dobby in Harry Potter, but Master thought it was not practical. Master ordered Karate clothes last year for the easy on-off and access these provide, but it didn't have the desired result.

Recently Master found a USAF CWU-28/P flight suit online. It was a one piece cover-all suit that we were looking for, and it looked perfect  and the color is Indian Orange (which happen to be very similar to prison clothes). i immediately made an order as it is rare to find. After several days of waiting, it arrived and worked perfectly - the fit is just right and the color pleases Master. i love the front zipper that opens on both ends, and wearing nothing under it makes me feel more naked in a way which is very exciting.

While waiting for my piercings to heal and my tattoo design to be finalized, Master decided to do a branding on His slave’s butt Himself.

Master did a branding on me several years ago with a violet wand and a special electrode (as i mentioned in an earlier post). It was actually quite effective - a single pass made the brand last for a year before it fully disappeared. Master decided to do the same way as the tools were there. i proposed to experiment with stencil and Master got this 1-inch set. It’s made of thick paper so not conductive of either electricity or heat.

Master put me on the spanking bench for good access and taped one stencil on my butt, then started to do “passes” over my slave skin exposed through the carved character. The wand buzzed loudly with sparks, and the room was full of ozone smell. The special branding electrode concentrated energy on a single point, and i felt like being stung with hot needles. It was painful but not too bad - at least not so much as a hot iron.

Master experimented with 4 passes on the first character, waiting a little time in between to let it develop and check the progress. The pain got stronger with each additional pass, probably because it burnt deeper into skin each time. When Master was satisfied with the result, He removed the stencil and move on to tape the next one, and the next one. i kept quiet and docile on the bench, enduring the burning pain while getting so curious about the result.

After another 8 characters each with 3 passes, Master completed His work on His property. The burnt characters swelled with a pink color around them and a rough surface of dead skin. The edge didn’t look sharp enough as intended at the beginning.

The next morning when i pulled off my pants and looked at the mirror, i got a big smile on my face. The characters turned into purple brown and became much more defined. 

After 5 days, now they still hurt a bit if scratched. A thin crust is formed on the surface and it looks like composed of thousands of “pixels”, which i guess are left by thousands of electric sparks. The branding may be still not permanent as it’s not so deep as a so-called 3rd-degree burn, but it will last for several years for sure - and the great part is that Master can do more passes on them any time or decide to burn deep enough to be permanent. How cool is that?!

Another Heavy Use

Master offered my service as a pain and humiliation slave on Recon and one of the responses i received was from Sir E. His recon profile didn't say too much about him, and Master was initially not convinced he would handle His property to the extend required. i got some chances to chat with Sir E in detail after that, and it turned out he knew what he was talking about and had a clear vision of what he was planning to do. Finally we arranged a date for me to go to him and get used. Sir E provided detailed instructions.

On Sunday morning, i prepared myself and drove to Sir E's place. When i arrived, Sir E was waiting at the door and i followed him into his house. As instructed, i laid whips and canes of his choice and other gear on his bed, stripped to shorts and T-shirt, and stood with legs together, chest out and shoulders back.

Sir E ordered me to do push-ups while counting until failure. After about 40, i could not keep the right form any more and was ordered to stand back up. The exercise made my pecs bulge out a bit more, looking nicely under the tight T-shirt Sir E ordered me to wear beforehand. Sir E then tied my hands behind my back, and started to try the whips and canes on me one by one. In between he cut my T-shirt and ripped it off my body one step at a time, which excited me in an interesting way as i never experienced that before.

i was ordered to kneel to take another round of whipping and caning. The torture moved from my back to my butt, thighs and calves, then soles. Sir E read my Tumblr well and knew i rated caning on soles highly painful, so he made sure i got enough of those to writhe and groan. Dressage whip was Sir E's favorite, apparently he knew it inflicted more pain than any normal riding crop or cane. i got some good hits and some wrapped and bruised my left upper arm badly, which were some great body marks to have. Then i got whipped by the short whip, and Sir E went full-blow at the end, making sure my right side got heavily bruised too. i was ordered to count the lashes and after each 20 lashes, i thanked him for using me for his pleasure.

During Sir E's short break, i begged for worshipping his boots and he kindly allowed. He wore his dirtiest boots and i enthusiastically licked them clean. They were a pair of sporty boots, and apparently they had been in a hiking with dirt all over them. Sir E made sure i cleaned each side of the boots. Then he spit on me, peed on my back and let me take several sip from the glass he filled with his piss. i loved the feeling of degradation when his warm piss dripping down from my back, and apparently Sir E enjoyed i smelt like his piss afterwards.

Sir E then had me stand up in attention and started to appreciate his own work on my body, all the lashes, strips and bruises. He stood behind me and pinched my nipples, making me very excited. Sir E got verbal when he played me like a toy, talking about how i could be used by both him and his friend, or in a party as a center piece that guests would enjoy using.

Sir E then set up a camera to take a short video of me being whipped, so that my Master could also enjoy watching what he did. When he was almost done and i started to dress up. However, the "almost" part was said too soon. When i pulled up my jeans while still bare-chested, the true sadist came out of him again and he started to use me more. Sir E made me endure positions that tensed up my muscles, and he watched me lick another pair of combat boots on the floor.  A lot of cloth pins were put on my newly acquired bruises, causing excruciating pain when they bit into them. To make it worse, Sir E kept taking the pins on and off, renewing the pain and never letting it dull. i later called him evil and mean which he took as a compliment.

When i was a kid, the education i got regarded tattoo as something only bad guys had. Tattoos scared me a little when i saw them in rare occasions. But maybe because of that, they also became something representing special, hardcore and extreme, which is what i look for in my BDSM life. Since i submitted to Master, getting tattooed by Him has been always a desire. It would be a permanent mark of His ownership over me, just like i'm a canvas on which He can draw anything. Wearing such slavery symbol is erotic like hell to me.

Master and i have been discussing about how such tattoo should look like since a long while ago, and recently we had some design draft too. There are so many ideas that sometimes it becomes difficult to consolidate in one design. i'm trying to document them here and maybe you have other comments and suggestions to share too:

The tattoo should be black - a cold, firm and sharp color. Master and i seem both not into colorful tattoos. Some of those tattoos can be quite amazing, but it's much easier to look tacky if not done right.

The tattoo should be abstract instead of realistic-painting. Patterns seem to be better than, say, a picture replication of Master.

Master's name should be a major factor of the design. Either name or monogram, His name of course should be marked on His property.

BDSM elements, such as chain, whip and/or boot mark, can be a good part of the design. 

A seal/stamp/label kind of shape would be nice for a design that mimics people marking their own stuff. The best location for that is probably between lower back and butt.

The date of submission is an important element too. Master likes Roman notation and it does look cool on a draft design. i proposed to have five-bar gates as a record of my submission time, but the feeling similar to counting down jail service time is not right. Recently Master found a slave with chain tattoo of which each link represents a year, which looks great. It's such a nice annual ritual to go add one more link to the tattoo for another year of owning and serving.

We also thought about an Ouroburos (Dragon Circle) tattoo. It's from my metaphor that a good whipping is like a breath of dragon, leaving burning marks like fireworks. Having a big circle on my back would also serve as a "target" for whipping, and i imagine the constant whipping would give it a washy vintage feel.

Master has His extreme symbols that He wants to be marked on me too.

SF Citadel

i went to Citadel only once as i mentioned in my previous post, which was with Master when i first met Him. It was a very special and interesting experience. i've been following the news of Citadel and knew it moved to another location since i visited, but i never got a good chance to check it out. So when Master Bob, the manager of Citadel, extended an invite for me to go there to get used by him, i was excited and got Master's permission quickly. Before i went, Master told me i would be punished if i didn't get enough body marks from heavy use because it meant i didn't beg for it enough.

i went to the city for some social event and showed up at the door of Citadel in business suit (with slave chain around my neck though). The door man was reluctant for a fraction of a second to make sure i was in the right place. After checking in with front desk, i went to Master Bob's office as directed. i greeted him properly and striped down to get ready for my first public torture scene in many years.

A "Beat to the Beat" event was going on in Citadel and some people were dancing on the nice 70's style dance floor. Beside the dance area, people were already enjoying their favorite entertainment on racks, crosses and slings. i chose to face the wall and leave my back to the dance floor for the group of people when Master Bob asked me, mostly because i was very sensitive to distractions and i didn't even know how i would respond when seeing people watching me in use. It did took me a while to adjust to the sound of music and the slap and scream.

Master Bob secured me spread-eagle on a standing rack, then started to warm me up with paddles. It was nice and slow and i liked the last one that had a whole boot sole attached on the surface. Then we moved to canes - you cannot imagine the big collection of canes that Master Bob has. i guess there were at least 50, or even more! Master Bob made choices one by one, and caned my butt, hamstring, calve, inner thigh, belly, face, over and over and over again. i writhed and moaned with the beat, and loosened up to get more vocal with people watching. Finally Master Bob used his favorite aluminum cane which hurt really badly and left bruises.

After a couple of hours non-stop beating, Master Bob stopped and said, "I'm going to take a rest. I don't think any sub ever wore me out instead of I wore him out." And we both laughed. i was in pain all over my body but i felt happy and proud.