love and war

— “spring day, cherry blossoms, and you.”

  ( ` the words that spill out of tiffany’s mouth leave yifan speechless, his eyes idly blinking as his mind tries to process whether or not she was being playful or serious, but his lips only purse together in response and he brushes it off. she has a weird sense of humor, he notes. ) i’m a spy. i can get to places the other’s can’t. ( ` and his humor isn’t any better. or humor detector, rather –  yifan’s never been very keen on being funny and the only thing “humorous” that he does is his clumsiness due to his large stature – something that’s flaked out on him due to his power, but he finds himself bumping into things more often now. [like tiffany.] ) oh, wait, that was sarcasm. ( ` he watches her sit down on said bed and he wrinkles his nose, deciding against his doubts and walks over to her, slowly lowering himself onto the bed and when he feels himself beginning to fall through it, he quickly reaches over to reunite his hand with hers and suddenly, he’s sitting down on the bed that he previously hadn’t touched for the last few years. ) three years. i think it’s almost four, actually. i got here on my twenty-first birthday. ( ` which, due to years of neglecting his own birthday, he forgets the day of – but he doesn’t mention that. ) 

(* at a young age, she had a fantasy of the type of romance she'd like to be wrapped up in as all girls had at some point or another. she'd lived out that dream with yifan in her high school years but fairytale endings weren't made for reality. prince charmings too for that fact but she thinks she come to terms with it. there's something still charming in the clumsy antics yifan seems to partake in as of late and it's reassuring to find he needs her as much as she him. ) that's a long time. (* she mutters, letting herself be unrestrained as she pushes her boundaries just a little further, leaning her head against his shoulder like old times. ) are you planning on spending the rest of your days here? (* she's never anticipated the future since their fallout but now some thoughts can help but arise. she's never planned on staying around for long. it was just until she'd gained enough control of her powers before she'd leave. yet, her second chance with yifan complicates matters. yifan might be a hero but she's not suited for such a lifestyle. they've hardly made up enough for her to be considering the future but it's an anxiety she knows that'll eat her away sooner or later. )

— “spring day, cherry blossoms, and you.”

  one in a hundred. but i’m glad we did. ( ` his tone is bleak, trying to maintain his composure of sounding too overtly joyous of the fact that her hand is in his and even though it’s kind of a comical situation [his hand is larger than hers, so their fingers interlace awkwardly — at least, he thinks so], he can hear his heart beat against his ribs and the butterflies in his stomach awaken and flutter as they walk. as soon as he punches the pass code in the second time, he sees the smile appear on her lips out of the corner of his eye and even though it’s a small movement, it causes him to wash over with embarrassment and he ducks his face down as he pushes the door open, lips pursed and hoping that there isn’t any traces of color dusting his cheeks. ) what? ( ` and that’s when it hits him — she doesn’t like the smell. his eyes widen slightly, and without a thought, he releases her hand and moves to switch off one of the automatic air freshners he’s strategically placed side by side, turning around with a sheepish look. ) n-… no, why would i do that? i … i thought you’d like them, honestly. ( ` and despite his abrupt stuttering — something he scolds himself for because he’s never done it until now — his nose wrinkles in distaste at the thought and with a few long strides he moves to push the door to his room shut, standing to face her. ) so … you can sit where ever you’d like. i know it’s not exactly… comfortable. ( ` he notes, glancing around at the cot on the floor in place of a bed, blankets strewn and the only chair he has is the desk chair that’s been pushed off to the corner. despite the improvements in his power, he still hasn’t come to terms with testing whether or not he can sit in chairs — or even lay on an actual bed, and the thought of that failing looms over him with despair. ) 

(* it's an emptiness she notices immediately as yifan lets go of her hand. a silly notion, she thinks, but one that doesn't leave as one second turns to ten. it only subsides at his offhand comment of having thought of her and it leaves her heart beating and burning instead of her hand. ) well what i'd like is to crack open a window right about now. (* she teases besides her straight expression. it's something she'll have to work on and something yifan will have to adapt to. giving and taking seems to be the only way their relationship may be rekindled as the ease of having everything fall in place like they had in the past was no longer an option. ) how are you an xmen when you can't even win a fight against your own bed? (* she questions, half curious and half teasing as she settles herself down on the edge of the bare unused bed. she glances from there, staring at the furnishing of the room as though it could reveal to her all the time she had missed while she'd been away from him. they'd briefly touched base about the events that had ensued since their separation but they're mere tidbits from the larger picture. she still wonders about the details, curious about his past, curious of his future, of her future. ) how long did you say you've been here again?

— “spring day, cherry blossoms, and you.”

  no. { ` his answer is slightly too curt for his taste when he didn’t mean for it to be, and he quickly tries to smooth out the wrinkles within his tone. } i bought air fresheners. { ` her palm’s beginning to burn into his, he thinks, and he’s not sure if it’s just the sensation of being able to hold her hand — much more, someone’s hand — or the fact that their last touch was her hand to his forehead during the said sick day, or a combination of both, but it’s a good burn. it makes him feel human again; it makes him fall in love again, and at this point, yifan realizes how absurdly cheesy he’s sounding in his thoughts but they keep coming to him and he bites back the urge to say something too soon — even if it had been uttered from his lips a hundred times before. } … i never thought this would happen again. { ` he utters, and while it only spilled past is lips to fill in the silence as they walked down the hall, he let’s out a sigh of relief because that’s a fraction of what he’s wanting to tell her and he’s glad that at least a part of that is relieved — the rest, he thinks, is to be stored for later when they’re comfortable around each other once more. } … { ` he halts his steps in front of his bedroom, his fingers pressing the code into the keypad and he fumbles with it a moment, inputting the four-number combination wrong [and to note, it’s custom — tiffany’s birth year, 1992, and he prays that she doesn’t notice when he finally puts it in correctly] the first time, but upon the second he hears the door click unlocked and he pushes on the handle for it to open, welcomed by the scent of vanilla and angelcake — two scents that the lady at the market told him went good together. after a while, the angelcake smell would overwhelm his senses and cause his head to stir uncomfortably, but it’s better than the normal room smell [laundry detergent and spoiled food], he thinks. } 

(* the words on his lips are the thoughts on her mind and it was perhaps the understatement of the year. granted, the occasional thoughts that chased away sleep were of ones of them together but they were just that, simply thoughts. she'd neither wished or believed for them to come true but still here they were, hand in hand like the miracle of the century. ) well what were the chances of us meeting again. (* she replies quietly, pensively. her mind wanders to thoughts of where she'd be now if she hadn't gone through with the decision to come to the institution and the thoughts that come to mind are repulsive and unwelcome. not wanting to linger on such notions any further though, she shakes them out of her head, focusing back in on reality with the sound of a failed code and she doesn't believe her eyes at first, but it's clear he's used her number for his passcode. it's a little cheesy and a little unnerving but it still manages to garner a small amused smile and a roll of her eyes. typical yifan. so he is still her old kris. the sweet moment is soon ruined though as her attention is drawn away. ) ...you've got to be kidding. (* one step into the room is all that's needed for her senses to be attacked by the smells. she can already envision his excuse but she's still giving him a pointed unapproving stare as her nose scrunches in distaste. it wasn't death in it's real form, but she's sure her nose is going to die if she doesn't kill the air freshener first. ) did you have a party with fifty girls doused in perfume here or something? 

— “spring day, cherry blossoms, and you.”

  { ` it’s the lump in his throat and the fact that this isn’t the right time for him to voice out his true opinions, but he can see the insecurities behind her — he has for a while. yifan’s never pinned himself as being good to people, but recalling the memories of an ever-smiling tiffany and then comparing them to the tiffany he had witnessed in the last few months, something was different and it was glaringly obvious [and perhaps, it helped that he knew her old self so well]. his eyes scan over her face as his offer lingers in the air and he imagines, for a moment, how she’d react if he told her that she was perfect to him — for him, even. they might be the two most unperfect people yifan knows, but they’re perfect for each other and yifan knows that, worships that; it was what held his resolve the last four years and kept him from moving on, as well as kindled his hope upon their reunion. he swallows the nerves in his throat as she takes him by surprise and obliges, moving to the door before he even turns around to face it and it takes him a second to register that she’s holding her hand out to him. he stares at it for a moment, confused and taken even more off guard before he takes her hand as she’s dropping it back to her side, taking long strides to meet up with her side and he steps out of her room, already walking towards his own. } thank you.

(* his words of gratitude are burdensome and unfitting, leaving her heart just a little bit heavier. she'd been nothing but cold and insensitive, biting and lashing out at him in any way fathomable. if words of thanks were to be shared, it should be coming from her lips. she's grateful, even if they are unspoken, for his persistence and presence. even his tantrums and anger were welcome, serving as little reminders that even he was human, reachable, connectable. she still didn't believe she was suited for him but at least he wasn't out of reach. ) does your room still reek of death? (* she questions, recalling the last and only time she'd been in his room when fever had settled its way in his system. she'd tried to keep that day out of her head but they clouded her mind at hours in the early morning, fleeting touches in those memories still burning hot on her skin the way it is with their hands joined together at the moment. she's left dying kisses on a number of men but this minute with yifan is far more intimate than any of those. she's missed innocent brushes of skin against skin and it reminds her of their past, letting those memories thaw the ice in her heart from the inside out. )

— “spring day, cherry blossoms, and you.”

  { ` flashbacks of what they used to be dance around in his mind as tiffany’s in his arms — memories of gentle kisses and playful antics play behind his eyelids, and his heart holds heavy as he remembers them for the hundredth time in the past four years. his stomach clenches with nerves and remind him of what he felt when they first hugged — when they first kissed, but a part of him cherishes this moment, too. this is a different side to their relationship; things won’t be the same as they were five years ago and he knows that, even if the twenty-year old kris in him still hopes desperately for the tiffany he once knew. but yifan looks down at the woman in his arms and she’s different — he can tell that. she’s changed and even though he misses the cheery eyesmiles she gave, they won’t be as abundant anymore — at least, for right now. but he bites back the urge for his lips to crack into a smile against hers as their lips meet in a connection that yifan’s yearned for and it feels like it passed all too quickly for him as soon as she steps back. } … { ` and here they were again, distant and cold. tiffany’s words stroked through his heart and he pushes his lips in irritation — not of her, but of the possibility of an intrusion. } then come to my room.

(* she's far from perfection and so is he but time apart hasn't changed the fact that wu yifan is the one she wants. she'd suppressed it, locked it away, but it seems her heart would never be free of him. today has made that clear and it's a truth she worries she'll carry with her to her grave. ) -- (* her lips are pressed into a fine line at his request but her eyes are curious, wondering, wanting. rejecting him was no longer an option as smothering the flames in her chest only choked and ruined her. ) ...okay. (* she eventually relents. perhaps it was time she let his touch devour her soul. it would be a second round of all or nothing and the fear is intimidating but it's still better than the nothingness that's filled her black heart all this time. ) lets go. (* she mutters as she strides to her door, lingering there for him to catch up. as incentive, she holds out a hand, inviting him to take hers in what is perhaps the first move she's initiated all this while. it's a faltering motion and it's clear in her eyes that he only has half a second more to take advantage of her brief courage before she gives up on the move. )

— “spring day, cherry blossoms, and you.”

  { ` the storm in his chest dies down upon having tiffany in his arms and his fingers soothingly brush through her hair, releasing his last breath of frustration in a low chuckle } everything. { ` and he leaves it at that, saying nothing more and just relishes in the fact that she’s finally in his arms and they’re finally having this moment that yifan’s only dreamed of for the last four years. his lips pull into a slight smile upon hearing her second phrase and he pulls his head back slightly, one of his arms unwinding itself from around her shoulders to instead migrate to cup her cheek. this is when he notes that his hand is just like he remembers — his hand being a little too large for her face and his fingertips always dipping into her hair, always making a clumsy look — but he revels in the moment; the fact that he gets to relive it and for once, he does something he’s been aching to do for the last for years. he dips his head down, worry in his throat but his heart telling him to take the leap, and he gently presses his lips to hers } 

(* it's a remainder of who she is, of who she can be. she'd gotten so wrapped up in meaningless fast paced hookups that she'd forgotten what it felt like to be loved and cherished. where others were demanding and hard, yifan is gentle and sincere. it gives her the courage to love one more time and she finds herself reciprocating the motion, leaning into the kiss until her cheeks flush red and the butterflies in her stomach reawaken from its four years of slumber. ) -- (* her eyes remain averted when they pull apart but now out of embarrassment rather than anger and frustration. she clears her throat and lets her arms fall back to her side as she takes a step back if only because it's the only thing she can manage. there's hesitance on her expression for once and its as humiliating as it is endearing. ) jessica's going to be back soon. you should probably get out. (* her words always find a way to betray her. their distance now is already too great, let alone if he were to take his leave now. )

— “spring day, cherry blossoms, and you.”

  i was going to propose, tiffany. { ` his voice cracks upon the confession, upon voicing it aloud twice; he can remember the day - that morning - his hand stuffed in his pocket and long fingers grasping around the box as he tried to conceal it from his friends and his mother and everyone — it was a panic that he worried he wasn’t going to feel ever again. but that panic was replaced by a shield of regret and he had honestly forgotten about his plans over the last few years until he had found the box stuffed in an unexplored corner in one of his desk drawers a few weeks ago. that’s why he ran, he wants to say. he ran because his plans were ruined and he was worried that things weren’t going to turn out the way they were supposed to. } — { ` he frowns, his expression still hard as he listens to her explanation and he just shakes his head, muttering out quietly and he’s not sure if it’s just a slip, something he meant to keep in his head that was accidentally voiced aloud or what, but it comes out less harsh and with a softer tone than what he carried throughout the rest of their argument. } that’s what you’re here for — you’re here to learn how to control that … { ` but her next words are the ones that pierce through his heart and he feels his anger fade away completely, instead slipping into the side that wants to console her and hold her until she doesn’t feel so degraded — he feels himself fade back into the twenty year old kris. } don’t say that. { ` he murmurs, taking a step forward in order to wind his arms around her shoulders, pulling her into his chest and craning his head down to rest against her own, breathing slightly ragged as he holds back words that he came into her room to say. } we can’t go back to the way we used to be. that would be wrong — { ` he pauses to bring in a slow breath. } but i don’t want you to go back to how you used to be. i’m fine with you — i’m happy with loving the hwang miyoung that’s in my arms right now. 

(* the world seems to slow to a still in yifan's arms when it had just been madly spinning in her fit of frustration just moments ago. in the warmth and safety of his embrace, she finds herself easily falling into old habits, fingers tentatively fidgeting with the hem of his shirt as she leans in close with a resigned sigh. ) what's there to love? (* grumbles in muffled complaint. years of subjecting and degrading herself to her powers had left her with a warped mindset but she can feel the pain begin to wash away. it's not something she could ever do on her own but if it's yifan that's the one by her side, the path to a better future doesn't seem so bleak and daunting anymore. ) you can be such a stubborn idiot sometimes. (* another sigh escapes her lip but there's less bite to her words now. in a betrayal to her words, her hands slide to loosely wrap around his waist, the sound of the boy's steady heartbeat managing to calm down her own. )

— “spring day, cherry blossoms, and you.”

  { ` her last question leaves him breathless. his fingernails imprint crescents into his palms and his brows furrow with anger — he can’t believe it. him fleeing was bad in his mind, but her moving on from it was worse, and perhaps that was twisted and skewered in a way that just proves incredulous but he heaves a heavy sigh before he speaks up again, tone laced with venom. } i thought i raped you. i thought you wouldn’t want to see me after that. i was scared and i’ve apologized for it a dozen times, but you didn’t even bother to tell me that you’ve had other lovers? don’t tell me to be careful with my words. { ` he’s sharp and at this point, his mind’s a cloudy haze of confusion and delirium, unsure of what’s pouring past his lips at this point. } i’ve sat here for the last few months wondering if you even loved me. wondering if i should even try to continue pursuing you. you don’t show me anything. and now you’re telling me that our relationship wasn’t important to me? tiffany,  i was going to propose. later that week — i had everything planned out and i thought we were at that point in our relationship. or at least, i was — apparently you got over it easily.

(* she doesn't bring it up to get his apologies but then again, she doesn't really know what it is that she wants. maybe she just needs to be left alone. maybe she just needs to be embraced until they can meld into one again. ) what? (* his confession has her reeling, taking the wind right out of her chest as though she'd been socked in the gut. all the violent gestures, outbursts of rages, and frustrated accusations are stolen right from her and instead replaced full of remorse, guilt, and shame. the silence is deafening as the storm within her tames. ) ... ... easy? (* she parrots the word with a broken smile and a scoff, staring hard at the wall as she tries to maintain the steady face she's just barely managed to get back. ) i did what i had to do. (* she runs her fingers through her tresses as she releases another sigh, flashing back through all the moments that had passed in their time apart. ) you think my powers stopped with you? it didn't. i slept around because nothing stopped you and nothing stopped them but you know what yifan, i made a choice. (* and it's not one she's ever been or ever will be proud of. )  instead of being walked all over and taken advantaged of, i decided to be the one in charge because i would rather be the slut of the campus than the girl who gets raped by people she thought were her friends and her classmates. (* her hands are trembling by now as she sinks fingertips into her sides in attempt to steady them. they're words she's never confessed until now and it leaves her feeling disgustingly exposed. ) i'm not and i can't ever be the girl i used to be, yifan. this is who i am now so just go. i'm not someone who's suitable for you anymore. (* and it's this very truth that's held her back from him all these months. wu yifan could go back to being sweet kris but hwang miyoung was too dirty, too worthless to even dream of going back to being the old tiffany. )

— “spring day, cherry blossoms, and you.”

— “spring day, cherry blossoms, and you.”

  { ` he steps into the room without a smile, without a cheerful hello or even just a flash of the happiness that he’s regained since reuniting with her. the question bites at him and he’s unsure of how to start off what he wants to say and he’s sure that no matter what he says it’s not going to be what he exactly wants to say and he simply sucks in a breath before he speaks up. } what’s this about you having … { ` he pauses, the words sitting like venom on his tongue and it takes him a few seconds to spill the rest of his question from his mouth. } other people? other … lovers?  { ` and at this point, yifan regrets it — he regrets even being angry about it as the last word burns into existence. but he bites his tongue to keep away an apology; he’s already dug himself into a hole, but he wants to know — he’s not going to back out so easily, so quickly, especially if this was going to sit on his heart and bother him for the rest of the time he spends with tiffany. at times like this, he’s yifan — fiery, angry, mature — and while the twenty-year old kris screams at him inside his mind, telling him to just give it up and show her that he still wants her, he pushes it away. first comes the fire, then the calm. }