SET APART

I understand how crucial my next placement will be as I will need to submit my appraisals to apply for a graduate nurse program, as well as ask the nurse I will be working with to be my referee.

I really am wanting to apply to a Perioperative Graduate Nurse Program. I am praying to God to be accepted. I know it will be very competitive and will need commitment and dedication, but it is the specialty I want to build a career on.

I have noticeably lost my writing and vocabulary skills the last few years. I am getting really rusty, as I have spent the last three years focusing on the wrong things.

Now is the time to be completely honest with myself. Be raw, strip down all the layers, the pretenses.

I need to spend less time on that "app" trying to seek validation and get an ego boost.

It's crunch time. Stop allowing yourself to be distracted. Focus on the right things this year. Lock in, Keturah.

I have been living in repetitive/habitual sin and allowing myself to be consumed with worry, overthinking, envy, comparison, and lustful and malicious thoughts. I am allowing myself to be mistreated, cursed at, disrespected, and be taken for granted by. No prayer, no Bible-reading, no repentance, no pursuit of holiness. Just me backsliding and being worldly.

“If more people took the time to evaluate their relationship from a logical standpoint, they could save themselves some time and grief later. One of the best ways to do this is to write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal. It can help you get past any delusions you have about how your ex boyfriend was such a wonderful man. Maybe he is not even close to measuring up.”

When he told me on the 13th of January that he already has a girlfriend, I laughed because it sounded impossible. We were just talking three weeks ago about wanting to stay in contact until we see each other in person. But I accepted it and decided that it’s best to let go of him. I still loved him and still wanted to fix things with him but I knew that it was not right anymore so I forced myself to stay away. There were moments when I felt the pull back to him, but I always resisted and acted indifferent. I made a mistake of contacting him through email last May 13 (around 3AM) and he replied immediately wanting to call. He called and I saw his face and I felt that same warm, fuzzy feeling I had always felt when talking to him. I missed him so much. I couldn’t focus on what he was saying because it ached wishing I was close to him feeling his tender face and hugging him. I was still so inlove with him. Even if he treated me so badly. But is it really love? 

He told me he missed me and he admits that he fvcked up with me last August. He felt bad for me because of what he did but he also felt bad for himself as it was a personal thing. If he only knew that “THAT” would escalate things, he should not have asked for it, he said.

We ended the call and he said that he hoped we could talk again soon, to which I replied that he is in a relationship and it would not be right for us to talk again. I thanked him for giving what happened to us closure. I said that at least we learned from it and that now he is treating his girlfriend right (that’s what he said to me last March before I cut contact again: “I treated you badly and now I’m treating her right because I learned from my mistakes”). He no longer replied. But then he texted me at 11:35PM last May 15 complimenting my picture. I asked him why he is texting me, that it is a sin, please don’t treat me as a back-up plan and that he not send me crumbs of his attention and to send that to his girlfriend instead. He took a long time to reply and said that it is not a sin because there was never a girlfriend. 

At first, I felt relieved, happy even. That he is not in a relationship and is single. I was playful with my next reply: 

“So is there a boyfriend? Hahaha.” 

And then it hit me, how he LIED to me again. How he allowed me to play the fool when I kept mentioning his girlfriend and relationship, when I held back words I wanted to say, when I forced myself to stay away and to keep my distance as respect. 

And two things were true:

1) He is just sleeping around, but not in a relationship.

2) He was not in a relationship but he didn’t mind that there was all that distance and time not talking between us and he was perfectly contented and okay with it. If he really loved me and wanted me, and he was single, he would be doing everything he can to get me back. But no, he was not reaching out and even pretended to be in a relationship.

IS THIS THE GUY YOU WANT?

When I couldn’t take it anymore and felt so emotional, I wrote him a long text confessing how I never stopped loving him and expressed disappointment that he lied to me again (about having a girlfriend), and then I ended it with:

“When will you stop playing me like this?” 

To which he replied a message gaslighting me:

“I never played. It feels so helpless that you never believe me. Every time I try my best, you just remember what I did wrong. Sorry.”

Again, two things:

1) He is making it seem like it’s my fault why making things work between us was so difficult. When I am the one between the two of us who was wronged but kept forgiving, and when I was the one who loved the other more and made more effort to make things work.

2) He never tried his best like he said. His efforts were so minimal that one wouldn’t even consider those “efforts”. He just sang songs and played songs while strumming the guitar for me. And said sorry with tears. And that’s it. He would still forget to call me, not engage in productive conversations with me, still be so consumed with his hormones that he would choose to pleasure himself than to spend time with me. He didn’t call me to fix things with me when that last fight happened a week before my birthday. He just said he is with his sister so he can’t call and then proceeded to block me to end things with me and leave me. But prior to that day, he mentioned that he would find the time to go to the bathroom to view something he wanted me to send. So that is your BEST? No, thank you.

I replied that, “No matter what you do, I cannot hate you. This is too much. All you do is lie to me.” 

As he was still typing up a response, I blocked him and never got to read his reply. But I realized it was such an immature reaction so I unblocked him and then wrote him another long message detailing that I have already moved on from the past and how our recent call made me feel (warm) and how I wanted to be close to him. Although he did not block me and I am still in his contacts, he no longer replied to my confession/expression of love. 

And this all brought me to this current anxiety, pain, and confusion again. I am back in limbo again. I am back to seeking validation from him again. I have put him on a pedestal again, overvaluing what I thought we had.

Note to self:

To describe what I was feeling minutes before the fall happened:

1) I knew exactly what was going to take place;

2) There was a little voice inside trying to stop me;

3) But my flesh was too strong to fight the temptation and it easily defeated that small voice;

4) I was feeling a mix of nervousness and anxiousness for what I am about to do;

I was aware minutes before I willingly decided to fall into temptation. If I were to list the triggers, it would be:

1) That I am lying down in a dark room with the intention to sleep but not totally feeling sleepy; and

M: “I don’t care. I don’t believe in anything.”

A: “I believe but “they’re okay”, dili lang ko mag-dapig.”

D: “We (Christians and Roman Catholics) both believe in Jesus Christ but the difference is we Roman Catholics believe in Saints..” *Does not have a strong stand and stayed silent when I asked to confirm that we read the same version of the Bible so we basically have the same core belief.*

C: “No. They are really different. We believe in the old ways. Our doctrine follows the old ways. Lahi ra jud sila. We believe in Saints.” When I also asked to confirm that we read the same version of the Bible (I said, “But we read the same Bible so we believe the same things, it’s not like between a Muslim and a Christian where it is really different,” and I asked, “Do you also read the NIV version of the Bible? ESV?”) and that we basically share the same core belief: “Ambot lang/Kalimot ko (?). NIV ba sa inyo? Basta naa’y mga parts na gi-omit, kanang King James Version (ninyo) naa na na’y parts na gi-omit so lahi gyud.” *Clearly she does not even read the Bible and has her own false assumptions and sounded a bit indifferent with the Christian faith.*

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To say I am disappointed and disheartened after that conversation is an understatement. That is why I left early. It got me thinking, “What am I doing with these people? Why am I spending time with them when they don’t even believe the same things I do? Why am I spending time listening and engaging in conversations talking about other people or about worldly things and the cares of this world that are not edifying my spirit when I can instead go home and spend time with God?”

I will be honest. I was hurt for God and I was hurt for my own ego regarding my belief.