You'd texted him earlier, asking him to come over as every Saturday night, and of course, he accepted it before you could even tell him what you wanted to try; a detail that made your plan even better.

Once he arrived, using the spare keys he knew the location of, he heard loud, incredibly yours, music from the bathroom. He made his way there and opened the door, eyebrows already furrowed as his handsome figure appeared in your mirror's reflection. He immediately noticed the bowls, the brushes, a bunch of bottles of hair bleaching, and of course, your wet, sectioned and now kind of yellowish coils. But no worries, the toner sat not far from you.

He smiled, before stepping behind you, patting your hip and picking up your cup. "Hi babe"

"Hi, love." You said, smiling to yourself, happy to have him with you.

"I thought we'd meet to watch a movie or something, and of course you're dying your hair."

He picked up the dye bottle, his adorable confused expression appearing. "It's not even the brand you usually use."

You actually finished wrapping a towel on your head. "My supplier recommended this brand so I wanted to test it first before using it on my clients. Plus, I guess I'm apparently changing too often, so I thought I would kind of need to use lighter products this time."

“Talking ‘bout lighter products”

By taking a closer look, his face became even more shocked. "Did you cut your hair? Could be shrinkage but your ‘fro seems smaller”. You let out a chuckle. "Just split tips, don't worry." James sat on the edge of the bathroom's bath tub, fidgeting with his fingers for a while before whining like an impatient kid wanting his favorite toy back. "What do I do? I'm so bored, I wish we could do something fun right after." He trailed off the end of his sentence, side eyeing you innocently.

Your smirk appeared, amused, and your plan started. "Oh, gosh, won't you stay still?"

Half an hour later, you were sitting on your bathroom sink, legs slightly parted just so his hips would fit in between them. That man felt under zero pressure, he kept moving his head side to side, trying to see what the heck you were doing to his hair.

You'd decided to do something actually cool and that would make him even hotter than how he already is. So you'd start bleaching the back of his head just like you first did, which was a dangerously good idea.

"You know im nosy as hell." He justified himself, before starting to detach his attention from his reflection to your face in front of his. Suddenly, he'd gone quiet. He started to analyze your bare face, from the forehead to the nose, faint acne scars here and there on your cheeks. His gaze lingering on the places where you had moles, he had learned to remember each one of them.

You used your hand to gently guide his face to look sideways, and check your work of art. You were very satisfied, and you couldn't wait to see the result.

"Alright now, it’s looking good."

"You look better." He said, voice dropping an octave.

"Woah," You chuckled and released his chin, putting the brush back in the messy looking bowl and shaking your head. "That was smooth."

All of a sudden, his hands grabbed your waist a little firmer than usual, making you instinctively look back towards him, only to be shut up from his lips on yours. You let go, enjoying your time with your man, since you two don't always kiss for a long time or make out, that was kind of secondary. James treasured different types of quality time. But rarely you two also shared your little heated moments.

Your arms automatically wrapped around his neck, careful not to mess up with the bleach on the back of his upper neck, even though, while you kissed, you always adored touching his hair (and he did too). His hands slid down to your hips and brought them closer to his own, seeking closeness and contact.

Your pajamas, being brushed from his gentle yet bold hands, internally making contact with your skin, had this kind of effect that made your spine shiver. The kisses got bolder, and with bolder, it meant him towering over your figure and forcing you to lean back against the mirror, as you both started letting out little, clumsy yet incredibly hot sounds against eachother's mouth.Also, tongue wasn't absent at all.

"Yufan.." You murmured breathlessly, your voice rough and uneven from the kissing. He pulled away just an inch and opened his eyes, staring into yours deeply.

"Yeah?"

You smiled and held his shoulders with your hands, ignoring what just happened but mentally replaying it for the tenth time. “Just let me finish, after that, we can do whatever you want yeah?.” The hint of a little smirk became clearly visible, before he hugged you tightly and carefully buried his face into the nape of your neck.

Days later, during his stream, he'd proudly hide his hair under one of his beanies like he does each time, making everyone freak out knowing the fans will eat it up. Because he liked it so much that you ended up dying his whole head.

mars yap guys I kind of got emotional writing this and cried yolo I HATE MYSELF

You partly knew why he brought you here, you just weren't fully sure.

His family house was filled with people and there was absolutely zero privacy there, given that his vampire family members have absolutely insane hearing.

He heard your heart pounding a bit faster and smirked. His strong arms picked you up slowly, gently as if you were made of porcelain.

Your back hit the plush sheets slowly and he got on top of you. He was shaking.

Even though he wanted it so bad, the fear still lingered in the back of his head and never wanted to go. His own strength scared him. Really scared him.

He wanted to touch you without worrying, without being absolutely terrified of giving you bruises or breaking something in you. You knew he was hesitating. You could feel it, see it. He was hesitating for 8 months already.

"I'll be okay, i promise." you whispered softly, looking into his pretty golden eyes. He looked away, licking his lips nervously. "It's still... scary, you know?" he murmured, looking down at your lips then back up in your eyes.

"I know but i trust you. I know you won't hurt me."

He sighed, swallowing thickly as if he had something stuck in his throat. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to your neck, then another and another.

His hands rested on your waist, lingering for a moment before trailing under your shirt to your breasts and squeezing them. You shivered as his cold fingers brushed against your skin, and a quiet gasp escaped you. He flinched, pulling back slightly as though he had forgotten how cold he was. His eyes searched yours, filled with a mixture of guilt and yearning.

"I'm sorry for how cold I am," he whispered, his voice unsteady. "But you still hold me... as if your warmth could chase it all away." his words hung in the air, raw and vulnerable, as tears welled in his eyes.

"Because i love you. No matter how cold you are I'll always be close to you." you whispered, pressing a soft kiss to his big, rosy lips. He smiled, looking away as a tear rolled down his cheek. His cold touch never pushed you away.

He buried his face in your neck to kiss you there before you could catch him being emotional and vulnerable. It was so embarrassing to him.

Clothes started falling one by one somewhere on the bed, gasps and soft moans filling the room. He kissed down your torso until he reached your panties and he stopped, looking up at you.

"Can i?" he whispered and you immediately nodded.

His shaky fingers hooked over your panties and he pulled them down swiftly. He spread your legs, leaning down to kiss your inner thighs, then finally after teasing you and getting you soaking wet, he went for your clit.

You moan quietly, back arching as your hands held his hair firmly in a fist. "Oh my god..." You whispered, your thighs slightly closing over his head. It felt so good, his tongue absolutely abusing the small bundle of nerves.

He pulled away before you could cum and a disapproving whimper left your lips. "Be patient." he said softly as he took off his shirt slowly, letting you admire his body.

God he was so beautiful. His pale skin, his muscular arms, his pretty sharp eyes... and he was all yours. He took a condom out of his pocket and put it on the bed next to you, then took off his pants.

"Are you sure?" he asked, his fingers hooked on the elastic of his boxers "Yes..." you swallowed nervously. "please..."

He took off his boxers, his hard dick smacking against his abdomen. You looked down and gulped in surprise at how big it was.

You were nervous, but he was so gentle with you that it was hard to overthink it. He slipped the condom on and got between your legs, his hands were shaking so bad.

"Are you sure?" He asked once again, his eyes looked into yours, searching for the slightest bit of change in your demeanor.

"Yes, i promise." You said softly, cupping his face and kissing him.

He kissed you back and pulled away, slowly, so slowly sliding inside you. He sighed against your lips as his dick entered you, it was so warm and wet.

He wished he could be warm again.

A soft whimper left your mouth, brows scrunching up in a furrow at the slight sting you felt as he stretched you "Hurts?" he whispered.

"A little..." You whispered back, noticing how huge his pupils were, blown wide like he was on drugs. You were his drug.

He was taking his time, trying to be as gentle as possible, to not hurt you and paint your body with bruises on accident. When he finally bottomed out, you nodded and he started thrusting. A moan left your lips and he moaned back, his abs clenching at the pleasure. "You feel so good..." He whispered into your ear, his hands digging into the pillows as he held himself up on top of you. Butterflies pooled in your tummy at his words.

When he knew you weren't hurting anymore, he started to speed up the pace. Gradually going faster, until you were a moaning mess. He tried so hard to not lose control and hurt you.

He grabbed the bed frame hard, so hard the wood crumbled in his palm and the beams of the canopy bed broke, falling. He froze, looking at you with widened eyes as if he expected you to realize the monster he was. "It's okay, it’s okay.. shh..." you whispered, scrambling to comfort him before he could change his mind out of fear, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him into a hug.

His jaw clenched hard and he continued, but more timidly now. He felt hot tears in his eyes.

He wished he could be normal again.

"I love you..." You said softly into his ear and a tear rolled down his cheek, landing on your neck.

He sighed shakily "I love you too" he murmured, squeezing a pillow so hard it ripped, but he didn't pay attention to it.

You moaned when he hit that spot inside you, your nails dragging down his back as pleasure consumed you. It didn't take long for you to cum, whimpering and clinging to him desperately as he fucked you through your orgasm, and he was cumming right after you. He ripped another pillow he was aggressively crumbling in his fist, feathers dancing around you both.

Both of you stayed like this for a while, him still inside you. He didn't want to leave your warmth. It felt like home; you were his only comfort, only warmth he had left. After a few minutes of just calming down, trying to breathe normally again, he pulled out. He threw the condom away and pulled you under the covers, cuddling to you. It didn't take long for you to fall asleep.

He wished he could sleep. To wake up next to you, to feel tired after a long night with you.

They didn't kill for having dreams fortunately.

He looked around the room. Broken headboard, ripped pillows, feathers everywhere, the beams of the canopy barely hanging on the last pieces of wood.

God, he was breaking everything. He didn't break you though, and now you were his mate. The thought pushed a small smile on his lips as he looked at your sleeping face.

You were sitting on the edge of his bed, just out of frame, pretending to scroll through your phone. But you weren't reading a single word. All you could hear was him your Jake talking to fans in that soft, commanding tone.

Whatever it was.

He ended the stream twenty minutes later with a warm "Goodbye, I love you all " and a wink that made your stomach twist.

The room went quiet.

He spun in his chair, stretched his arms over his head, and finally looked at you. His smile was easy, unguarded. "You're quiet."

You shrugged. "Just tired."

Jake's eyes narrowed slightly. He stood up, crossed the room, and sat on the bed next to you. Close.

"Did I do something?" he asked softly.

"No."

"Liar."

You finally looked at him. His expression wasn't teasing yet. It was careful. Curious. Like he was genuinely trying to figure out what he'd done wrong.

"You didn't do anything," you snapped. And meant it, kind of. He hadn't done anything. He was just him. And that was the problem.

Jake tilted his head. Then his lips twitched.

"Oh," he said slowly. A new light flickered in his eyes. "Oh."

"What?"

"You're jealous."

"I'm not"

"You are." His voice dropped. Not mean. Just certain. He reached out and tucked a piece of hair behind your ear, fingers dragging lightly along your skin. "You've been sitting here frowning at your phone for twenty minutes because I was nice to my fans."

Your face went hot. "I wasn't frowning."

"You were pouting."

"I don't pout."

Jake laughed soft and low and leaned closer. His knee pressed against yours. "You're doing it right now."

You opened your mouth to argue, but nothing came out. Because he was looking at you the way he looked at the camera, but more. Deeper. Hungrier.

"Baby," he said quietly. The word hit you differently now. Private. "You want me to talk you through it?"

Your breath caught.

There it was.

Your whole body went weak, like he'd pulled a string and everything inside you unraveled. Your phone slipped from your hand onto the bed.

Jake noticed. His smile turned slow. Knowing.

"Yeah," he whispered. "There you are."

"You're shaking," he said softly, not even a question.

You were. Your fingers trembled against your thighs, and you didn't know if it was adrenaline or nerves or the way he was looking at you so intently.

"I'm fine," you whispered.

You could smell his cologne clean, warm, a little smoky. He tilted his head, and one hand came up to cup your jaw, his thumb brushing your lower lip.

"You're not fine," he said. "But you will be. Because I'm going to take good care of you, okay?"

Your breath caught. "And how are you going to do that?"

His smile was gentle. Almost sweet. But his eyes weren't.

"By giving you exactly what you need but before I do that you're going to give me what I want since you didn't want to admit you're jealous."

Before you know it you're on your knees in front of him, and you've never felt more exposed not because of what you're about to do, but because of the way he's looking at you. Jakes eyes are dark, half lidded, his chest rising and falling a little faster than usual. His hand comes down gently to cup your chin, tilting your face up toward him.

"Wait." His voice is quiet but firm. "Look at me first."

You do. His thumb brushes over your bottom lip.

"You're gonna tell me if it's too much, yeah? Just tap my leg. Twice. Can you do that for me?"

You nod again, and he smiles that slow, teasing smile that makes your stomach flip.

"Good girl. Now go ahead. Take it off."

Your fingers hook under the elastic. He lifts his hips just enough to help you, and you pull his sweats down slowly, then his boxers. He's already hard, and you hear him let out a soft breath when the air hits his skin.

"There you go," he murmurs. "That's it."

You wrap your hand around him first, just to feel the weight of it. He groans quietly, his head falling back against the wall for a second before he looks down at you again.

"Whenever you're ready, baby. No rush."

You lean in and lick a slow stripe from the base to the tip. His hand moves to your hair not pushing, just resting there, fingers threading through softly.

"Just like that," he says, his voice already rougher. "Warm me up first. Nice and slow."

You take the tip into your mouth and he inhales sharply.

"Oh- yeah. There ya go. That's it. Just a little at a time. You don't have to take it all."

His hands guides you gently, not forcing, just showing you the rhythm he likes. You sink down a little more causing your spit to drip down, he lets out a shaky laugh.

"Messy already, huh?" he says, thumb wiping a bit of spit from the corner of your mouth. "You're doing so good. So fuckin' good."

You moan around him, and he feels it his thigh tenses next to your cheek.

"Fuck. Do that again."

You do. His grip in your hair tightens just slightly, not hard, just there.

"Breathe through your nose," he reminds you. "There you go. You're a natural, you know that?"

You pull off for a second to catch your breath, and a string of spit connects you to him. He looks down at it, then back at your face, and his expression goes soft and dark at the same time.

"Look at you. All messy for me." He cups your cheek. "You want to keep going?"

"Yes," you whisper.

"Yeah? You want me to talk you through it?"

"Please."

He grins. "Then get back here."

You take him in your mouth again, deeper this time, and his composure cracks just a little. A low groan escapes him, and his hips twitch forward before he catches himself.

"Easy," he breathes. "I got you. You're okay. Just- yeah, fuck right there. Stay right there for a second."

He holds you still, not deep throating, just letting you feel him pulse on your tongue. His thumb strokes your cheekbone.

"You feel that? That's you. You're doing that to me."

You look up at him with watery eyes, and something in his face breaks open.

"Holy fuck," he whispers. "You're so fucking pretty like this."

You start moving again, finding a rhythm, and he lets you lead for a while just his hand in your hair, his voice a constant stream above you.

"That's it. Good girl. Don't rush. Just take what you can."

Spit drips down your chin. You don't care. He doesn't either in fact, he watches it happen and groans.

"So messy. I love it. I love you like this."

His breathing gets heavier. His hips start moving in small, shallow thrusts not rough, just desperate.

"I'm gonna- fuck, I'm close. You want me to pull out?"

You shake your head as best you can with him in your mouth.

"Yeah? You want it?"

You moan yes.

"Okay. Okay, baby. Keep going. Just like that. Don't stop- don't stop, you're almost there-"

His voice gets breathy and higher.

"I'm gonna- fuck, fuck right there you're so good "

He cums with a choked sound, his hand cradling the back of your head, holding you gently in place as he spills into your mouth.

"That's it. Take it. You did so good. So fuckin' good for me. I got you. I got you."

When he's done, he pulls you off slowly and immediately pushes his fingers in your mouth to make you show him you swallowed. His forehead presses against yours, both of you breathing hard.

"Fuck you're so perfect for me," he whispers, wiping your mouth with his thumb. "You okay?"

You nod, trembling.

He laughs softly. "Now come here. My turn."

He didn't rush.

That was the first thing you learned about Jake when the cameras were off. He didn't grab or tear or demand. He asked, but in a way that left no room for you to say no.

"Lay back for me," he said quietly.

You laid.

"Good fucking girl."

Those three words hit you somewhere deep, and he saw it. Of course he saw it. He saw everything.

His hands landed on your shoulders warm, solid, grounding. His mouth found your ear.

"I'm gonna take care of you," he murmured. "But you have to listen to me. Can you do that?"

"Yes."

"Say yes, Jake.'"

Your throat tightened. "Yes, Jake."

His hands slid down your arms slowly, like he was memorizing you. When he reached your wrists, he didn't grab them he just circled them with his fingers and held.

"I want you to feel everything," he said. "But I don't want you to think. Just feel. Just listen to my voice. Can you do that for me?"

"Fuck yes I can Jake."

"Good."

Then he kissed you.

It wasn't messy at first. It was slow, deliberate, his lips coaxing yours open like he had all the time in the world. One hand stayed on your wrist. The other slid into your hair, gentle but firm, tilting your head exactly where he wanted it.

When he pulled back, you almost whimpered.

"Shh," he breathed. "I've got you. I'm right here."

His thumb traced your cheekbone. "You feel so good already, and I've barely touched you. Do you know that? Do you know how hard it is for me to go this slow?"

You shook your head, lost.

"I'll show you," he said. "But first take off your shirt."

Your hands moved before your brain caught up. The fabric slipped over your head, and suddenly you were standing in front of him in just your bra, and his gaze dropped like a physical weight.

"Gosh so beautiful," he said softly. "Now tell me. Do you want me to keep going?"

"Yes."

"Say it all the way."

"I want you to keep going, Jake please."

His smile was warm, but his voice dropped lower. "Then look all pretty for me while you keep your eyes on me." "I'm going to give you what you deserve cause you've been so good to me," he said. "And every time you feel like you're getting lost, I want you to look at me and watch me talk you through it. Can you do that?"

You nodded.

"Cmon use your words, baby."

"Yes, Jake. I can do that."

"Good girl."

His hand moved first to your side just a slow drag of his fingers from your ribs down to your hip. Then back up. Then down again, lower each time, until his thumb brushed the waistband of your pants.

"You're already breathing so fast," he observed, like he was fascinated. "I love that. I love that I can do this to you without even trying."

His fingers dipped beneath the fabric, just barely. Just enough to make your hips lift off the bed.

"Ah ah," he murmured. "Stay still. I'll give you what you need, but you have to let me lead. Understand?"

"Yes, Jake."

"Perfect."

He pulled your pants down slowly, agonizingly slowly his knuckles grazing your thighs the whole way. When you were bare from the waist down, he just stopped and looked at you.

"You're so wet already," he said, and it wasn't teasing. It was reverent. "Goodness. You really do want this, don't you?"

You couldn't speak. You just nodded.

"I know," he said. "I know, baby. And I'm gonna make you feel so good."

He lowered himself until his mouth was right next to your ear.

"I'm going to put my fingers inside you now," he said, voice low and steady. "And I want you to tell me how it feels. Every single thing. Don't hold back. Can you do that?"

"Mhmm yes Jake yes."

"Then show me."

When his fingers finally touched you just a light, teasing press you gasped so loud you almost scared yourself.

"That's it," he said, circling slowly. "That's exactly it. Let me hear you."

He pushed one finger inside, and your back arched.

"Oh-"

"Yeah," he breathed. "Feel that? That's just the beginning. You're taking me so well already. So fucking good for me."

He added a second finger, and you grabbed his wrist not to stop him, just to hold onto something.

"I know," he said. "I know it's a lot. But you can take it. You're doing so good. Just breathe for me."

He started a rhythm slow, deep, curling his fingers on every pull back. And he kept talking. Kept guiding.

"Every time I do this," he said, pressing exactly where you needed him, "you squeeze around me. Do you feel that? Do you feel how your body knows what to do?"

"Yes- yes, Jake-"

"You're close already, aren't you?"

You couldn't lie. "Yes."

"Not yet," he said, and pulled his fingers out.

You almost cried.

"Shh, shh, shh," he cooed, kissing your forehead. "You gotta listen to me pretty and right now, I'm telling you you're not cumming until I'm inside you. You understand?"

"Please-"

"Please what?"

"Please, Jake- I need you-"

He smiled. That same gentle, devastating smile. "That's all you had to say."

He pulled off his own clothes in a way that should have been rushed but wasn't. Every movement was deliberate. When he was bare, he knelt between your legs and wrapped a hand around himself, stroking once, twice.

"Look at me," he said.

You looked.

"I'm going to go slow," he said. "But I'm not going to stop. If it's too much, you tell me yeah? I'll be right here through everything Understand?"

"Yes, Jake."

He lined himself up, and then he pushed inside just an inch. Just enough to make you both gasp.

"Oh my god-"

"I know," he groaned, dropping his forehead to yours. "I know, baby. You feel- fuck- you feel so good. Better than I imagined. And I've imagined this a lot."

He pushed deeper, and your nails dug into his shoulders.

"That's it," he whispered. "Take all of me. You're doing so good. So fucking good for me."

When he was fully inside, he stopped. Just held there, letting you adjust, his breath hot and shaky against your cheek.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yes- yes, please don't stop "

"I won't," he said. "I'm gonna move now. And I want you to keep your eyes on mine. Don't look away."

He started moving slow at first, then deeper, then faster in a way that was still controlled but just on the edge of messy. His hips snapped against yours, and the sound of it filled the room.

"You feel that?" he breathed. "That's me inside you. That's me taking care of you. You're not thinking about anything else right now, are you?"

You shook your head, barely able to speak.

"No," he said. "Because I've got you. I've got all of you. And you're so- god- you're so perfect like this all fucked out. Messy and loud and all mine."

His hand slid between your bodies and found you he pressed exactly where you needed him and you shattered.

"Let go for me baby," he commanded softly. "I've got you.

You did. You cum undone completely, crying out his name, and he followed right after burying his face in your neck and groaning low and long as he spilled inside you.

He didn't stop talking, even then.

"That's it," he murmured against your skin. "That's my good girl. You did so well. You took everything I gave you. I'm so proud of you."

Afterward, he didn't pull away.

He stayed inside you for a long moment, breathing hard, one hand cradling the back of your head. Then he eased out slowly and gathered you against his chest.

"You okay?" he asked again.

You nodded against his shoulder, still trembling.

"Talk to me," he said softly. "I need to hear your voice."

"That was-" you started, then laughed weakly. "I can't even think."

He smiled and kissed your hair. "Good. That's what I wanted."

He pulled the blanket over both of you and held you tighter.

"You were so good for me," he said one more time. "And tomorrow, I'm gonna talk you through it all over again."

You smiled knowing he meant every word.

your knees settled on either side of his thighs, the game completely forgotten as his hands found your waist and tugged you closer. “c’mere,” he mumbled against your lips, that familiar mischievous grin flashing for half a second before his mouth was on yours. at first it was soft ,sweet little pecks that tasted like the strawberry candy he’d been eating earlier, but jake has never been good at keeping things innocent when he’s got you this close. the kisses quickly turned deeper, slower, hotter, his head tilting to slot your lips together perfectly while one hand slid up your back to cradle the nape of your neck.

god, he kissed like he had all the time in the world and none at all. his tongue traced your bottom lip before slipping inside, gentle but insistent, tasting every corner of your mouth. you melted into it instantly, fingers threading through his soft hair, tugging just enough to make him hum against you. the room felt smaller, warmer. jake kissed you senseless. deep, languid drags of his tongue that made your head spin, little nips to your lower lip followed by soothing licks, then diving back in like he couldn’t get enough.

you were struggling for breath after a while, chest heaving, but you didn’t dare pull away. not when he was kissing you like this. your lungs were burning but the way his mouth moved against yours, the way his hands gripped your hips to keep you pressed flush against him… you just couldn’t bring yourself to stop him. so you kept going, kissing him back just as eagerly even as black spots started dancing at the edges of your vision.

jake noticed.

he always notices.

he slowed the kiss gradually, finally pulling back just enough for your foreheads to rest together. his lips were swollen and shiny, breath coming out in warm puffs against your mouth as he searched your eyes. “baby…” his voice had dropped lower, that deep, slightly raspy tone he gets when he’s really into it, sending a shiver straight down your spine. “you’re breathing really hard. you okay?”

you nodded quickly, still a little dizzy, not wanting him to think he had to stop or pull away. he studied your face for a second, thumb brushing gently over your cheek.

“hey,” he murmured, that deep voice making everything feel ten times more intense. “you gotta tell me. you gotta communicate, alright? i don’t wanna keep going if you need air.”

your heart did a stupid little flip at how hot that sounded. the way he said it so dominantly yet so softly, eyes locked on yours. you nodded again, biting your swollen lip.

jake gave you the softest smile, but there was still that heated tension humming between you. “use your words, pretty. tell me.”

you swallowed, voice a little shaky but honest. “i’m okay… i just didn’t want you to stop. you were kissing me so good i forgot to breathe.”

his eyes darkened instantly, a low chuckle rumbling in his chest as he leaned in again, brushing his nose against yours. “yeah? then breathe for me now… because i’m nowhere near done with you yet.”

and just like that he was kissing you again, deep, slow, and completely addictive. while you sat on his lap, heart racing and lips tingling, knowing he’d always check on you even when things got this intense.

“again?”

it was a cold, winter night. heeseung was sat down on a chair on your balcony, forgetting to close the door behind him. work became too stressful to maintain for heeseung, until he found out cigarettes could be a temporary solution for a bit.

it was around 2 am. the smell of cigarettes drifting to your room woke you up, figuring it was heeseung who had another stressful work shift coming up again.

you sighed and wrapped your arms around his neck from behind. heeseung let out a chuckle and shook his head when he put his cigarette on the ashtray.

“you don’t mind, do you?”

you shook your head and gave him a quick kiss on the top of his head before resting your cheek against his shoulder—his hand cupping your other cheek.

“it’s just that the smell woke me up.” you explained to him, his lips forming a smirk on his face as he traced his fingers in your hair.

“i’m sorry, baby. things are getting stressful for me.” heeseung sighed out and reached over to grab the cigarette again, taking a long drag before exhaling it to the other direction—so he wouldn’t breathe it out in your face.

you nodded and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

heeseung closed his eyes, taking another long drag before ticking the ash off and exhaling the smoke into the air when he leaned back into the chair, his hand dropping to rest on the chair’s armrest.

you stood up straight again, hands gripping onto his shoulder to give him a slow, relaxing massage. heeseung closed his eyes with a soft smile, clearly enjoying the moment with you.

you gripped tightly, but not to hurt him. heeseung took one last drag and put out the cigarette on the ashtray before completely leaning back into the chair again, waiting for you to continue.

you let out a chuckle and pushed his head lightly.

“get back inside, jackass. i’m freezing.”

heeseung clicked his tongue and nodded with a smile.

—

you came back home after a night out, but you didn’t expect the house to reek with an unfamiliar smell. something strong and it wasn’t just cigarettes.

you could’ve sworn heeseung was already home somewhere aswell. normally he would’ve been outside on the balcony, his cigarette intake increasing more than last time.

you shrugged it off, closing your nose as you hang up your jacket and take off both shoes with one hand, having to breathe through your mouth because the longer you stayed there, the stronger the smell got.

the balcony wasn’t the only place with an ashtray anymore. heeseung already mentioned the fact that he would get so tired that he couldn’t be bothered to step outside and catch a smoke. now there were ashtrays on the coffee table, in the kitchen and it took a long time of discussion whether he was allowed to have one in the bedroom.

he got angry when you refused, telling him it was no use to have one in the bedroom while the rest of the house already had enough for him to use.

today was the next day after that argument. he woke up earlier for work and you remembered it was the first time he didn’t give you a kiss before he left.

the smell kept throwing you off and you walked towards the kitchen, leaning your shoulder against the doorframe once you saw him there, sitting on the chairs surrounded by multiple different stuff on the kitchen table.

a bottle of bacardi, shot glasses, ripped up cigarettes, a bag with a dark green type of look and probably the reason why the house reeked—marijuana.

heeseung felt your presence and turned his body around, revealing him with a thin piece of paper in his hand with the tobacco and weed on it. he licked a piece of the paper before rolling it up, causing you to sigh.

“switching over to something else now?”

you felt your fist tighten when he barely showed any reaction and just smirked.

“colleague told me this would help more than cigarettes. it’s cheaper than a pack and way more helpful aswell.”

“and it smells horrible!” your eyebrows furrowed, shaking your head as you walked away from the kitchen, hoping the smell didn’t reach the bedroom and thank god it didn’t.

you refused to cook dinner for him—eat anything for yourself at all today aswell. the smell of weed was already enough to ruin your appetite for the night. you scrolled endlessly on your phone, trying to lay down comfortably and think about anything other than knowing heeseung was switching over to drugs. softdrugs, but it still threw you off.

you grew insecure, making stupid thoughts roam around your head that made no sense. did he do this because you said no to the ashtray in the bedroom? there’s no way he would do that. you let out a huge sigh wondering if his work really was that stressful for him.

maybe he had a lot of pressure out there and a complaining fiancee would only make it worse.

you took a look on the engagement ring on your finger. the ring he went down on his knees for—the time when there was nothing to stress about.

you smiled to yourself, hoping the drug phase of his life would only be temporary. maybe once he saved up enough money, the two of you could finally have a wedding already.

you stood up from the bed and stretched your arms before leaving the room, spotting heeseung outside the balcony with the joint he rolled up earlier.

you couldn’t help but chuckle once you saw him outside on the balcony. maybe after the argument he still cared that you didn’t like the smell.

a wave of deja vu hit you once you stepped outside, wrapping your arms around his neck again. it was just like the time the smell of his cigarettes woke you up—except this time, he didn’t smile.

not even a smirk either. he just gazed off infront of him and took long, deep drags of the joint. the burnt weed smelled even worse than his cigarettes, making you scrunch up your nose.

“i’m sorry i got upset at you earlier.”

heeseung just hummed, tapping his foot on the ground with his eyes closed. you didn’t smoke, let alone do marijuana. you had no clue what he felt right now. was he sad? angry? the tone in his hum barely had any recognizable emotion.

“is everything okay, hee?”

heeseung nodded slowly. his head felt fuzzy, making his responses to everything take longer than usual.

you stroked his shoulders, moving down to his arms and fidget with the ring on his hand.

“do you remember that day?”

heeseung grew a stupid smile on his face and nodded slowly again. he leaned his back back into the chair, looking into your eyes from upside down.

his eyes seemed much smaller now, half lidded. they weren’t as red as you thought they would be. he seemed more relaxed, but he also didn’t reply to anything you said.

“i’m going to marry you someday..” heeseung chuckled and closed his eyes, making you giggle at his actions.

“come on, back inside.” you planted a kiss on his forehead and quickly walked back inside.

you expected him to come with you, but he just remained sat there. he seemed stoned enough to tick the ash off and keep it for another time, but he felt like he didn’t. he stayed there, smoking up the whole joint before putting it out.

when he stood up, he gripped tightly onto the table and chair, trying to balance himself. his knees seemed weak and he coughed loudly, so loud you could hear him, even though the doors were closed.

he stepped back inside with a satisfied smirk and his eyes barely even open. he collapsed on the couch next to you and rested his head on your lap when he closed his eyes.

you giggled and scratched his hair lightly, tapping his nose. heeseung slowly opened his eyes with a smirk and slowly made the motion to tap you back on the nose aswell, which took him about 4 attempts.

you shook your head with a smile and sighed. heeseung was very cute once he was stoned, but you also didn’t want it to happen more often. the stress he had was bad, he was allowed to have a coping mechanism of course, but you didn’t want him to grow addicted. you were sure you could trust him.

heeseung had his eyes closed and smiled, his cheeks standing out—making him appear adorable.

“you’re not mad at me, right..?” heeseung mumbled and fidgeted with your fingers.

“no,” you shook your head and reassured him, planting another kiss on his forehead. “just don’t do this more often, okay?”

heeseung nodded and chuckled, giving you a kiss back on the cheek. “it won’t happen again, i promise.” he whispered softly into your ear and mumbled stupid gibberish before falling asleep on your lap.

—

he seemed normal. heeseung has never been this happy when he came home from work. you were cutting up vegetables for dinner and flinched when you felt his arms around your waist.

“my beautiful girl..” he murmured and flooded your cheek with endless kisses.

you giggled when he nuzzled his face into the crook of your neck, a ticklish feeling distracting you from the food you wanted to prepare for him.

“good day at work?” you smiled and continued to cut up vegetables.

“no,” he chuckled and pressed soft, slow kisses on your neck, “just missed you a lot..” he let out a breathy laugh and rested his chin on your shoulder, hugging you tightly.

you felt his jaw shiver, figuring it was just the cold weather. you found it odd, it was colder the other day, but you didn’t think much of it.

“succesfully managed to quit smoking.” heeseung smiled and kissed your shoulder before moving to the other side of your cheek, pressing even more kisses. he was proud of his success.

“that’s great, hee.” you giggled and put the knife away, cupping his cheek without turning around yet.

“found another coping mechanism, one that doesn’t make the house smell bad.” heeseung giggled. he said it way too happy. you had no idea what this new coping mechanism was and you were not sure if you could trust that tone of his.

you turned around and looked up into his gaze, your hands flying over to your hands immediately as you leaned into the kitchen counter.

his pupils were dilated, his jaw was shivering, he kept biting his cheeks. something was clearly off. you had no idea what he took, but it was definitely not the effect of a joint. heeseung let out a sigh and held both of your hands, desperate to explain himself.

“look..”

“no!”

you pushed him away and shook your head. you couldn’t believe he broke his promise like that. he promised it would be a joint and some cigarettes, not this.

“what the hell did you take and why?!” you were seriously upset at him. you were worried sick and crossed your arms around your chest, curious to the excuse he’d have for any of this. work again? colleague giving him more?

“you’re always complaining that i smell bad. all i’m doing is cigarettes, weed and pills. nothing more.” his hands reached yours again, his thumb brushing against the back of your palm to calm you down. he hoped his words would soothe your nerves, but he only made it worse.

“i can’t trust you anymore, hee.” you gave him an upset look, a hint of disappointment in your eyes.

even though you had all the right to stay mad at him, you couldn’t help but still worry about him.

you kept your distance from him in the bedroom that night. the intimacy between you two felt like it was fading. no more cuddling to sleep, soft kisses, slow and sensual sex, it felt like you were living with someone who chose addiction over your love.

still, you loved him. you wanted to be there for him. you were engaged to him and here was no way marriage would go well if there was no communication or teamwork.

you were lying down on your side—heeseung was mumbling nonsense. it was 1:30 am already. you were desperate for sleep, but the ecstasy kept him awake. blue diamond shaped pills with a skull on them. he hid it well when you saw his pupils dilated, afraid you would’ve thrown it away.

you found it anyways and gave him one last chance.

“baby?” heeseung snuggled up against you, placing his arm around your waist to put a hand down your shirt, stroking gently.

“you know i love you, right?” he spoke softly, in a gentle tone. heeseung pressed a kiss on the top of your head before resting his cheek on yours.

“not really.” you replied and shifted your position, lauing down flat on your back. heeseung balanced himself on his side and cupped your cheek.

“you upset?”

you felt the anger inside of you rise at that question. of course you were upset at him. you leaned back completely into the pillow and looked him in the eyes. the lights were off, luckily—his dilated pupils wouldn’t remind you to how much of a failure he was being right now.

“yes.”

heeseung nodded and pulled closer towards your face, kissing your cheek multiple times. heeseung’s hand was now tracing over your body, slowly sliding down your pants as he nibbled on your neck.

“don’t.”

heeseung stopped immediately with what he was doing and scooted away quickly. “not in the mood?” he quirked up an eyebrow.

you didn’t want to tell him the truth. how much you did want it, but only if he was sober and not ruining himself. you’ve craved the intimacy between you both ever since his stupid way of coping started getting worse, but not right now. now all you wanted to do was sleep it off, forget about it in the morning.

“not really, i’m sorry.”

heeseung let out a chuckle and shook his head. “it’s fine, baby. don’t worry.” heeseung was completely unaware over how much he was actually hurting you with his habits. it hurt a lot to you.

you turned around to the side and tried to lie down comfortably in bed, but it was too difficult considering your fiancé was slowly turning into an addict.

“he would only do this occasionally.” you thought to yourself. you tried so hard to focus on the bright side, hoping everything will be alright in no time once you finally wake up.

you felt your vision getting blurry and the pillow wetter than before. tears of hurt were finally let out. you were too ashamed to talk, especially if he wouldn’t listen anyways.

—

he was smoking.

thank god he was just smoking.

you let out a sigh of relief when you saw him with a joint in his hand when you entered the living room. maybe not something you wished to see, but it was better than seeing him on the pills.

it’s been 6 months now since he came home to pop pills much stronger than just ecstasy. 6 months straight of him being on substances every now and then—it got so bad you were practically begging to see him smoke something instead of swallowing again.

he got fired 4 months ago, his work effort has dropped a bunch ever since his addiction started. his focus and concentration got worse and his boss grew sick of him. understandable, but you promised to stay by his side and help him, even through dark times like this.

he looked serious, like he always did when the marijuana kicked in. but this look was hiding something.

you sat down next to him, holding him in your arms. you’ve lived long enough with him to know his behaviour wasn’t normal. there was something up with him. heeseung hugged you back tightly, letting out a quiet sob on your shoulder.

“i’m so stupid..” he mumbled and hugged you even tighter. you agreed with him, he really is stupid, but you weren’t any better. you let yourself stay with a man like him, a man who can’t control himself.

you comforted him for a while before trying to step into the bedroom. it was night, heeseung was already sober. he had an uneasy look on his face when he saw you walk towards the bedroom and walked with you quickly, covering the door.

“don’t, just not yet..” heeseung begged and breathed heavily. he seemed nervous, really nervous. your suspicion grew and you tried opening the door, bit had no luck. heeseung gripped your wrist tightly, causing you to curse underneath your breath.

“fuck… what’s wrong with you?!” you tried fighting him off, but his grip kept growing tighter. you felt scared, intimidated by him. this wasn’t the man you wanted to marry later, nor was he the man you wanted to have your future with.

you kept on trying until he had enough of trying to defend himself and let go, allowing you to enter the bedroom.

you looked around, trying to find the reason why he was so defensive, but couldn’t find anything. you had no clue why he freaked out, until your eyes darted on the desk.

you walked towards it and covered your mouth with your hand. 3 different ziplock baggies. two of them with a bunch of pills and the other a white powder. you were desperately fighting off tears, but you couldn’t hold them in anymore. you broke down, muffled sobs due to you covering your mouth and kept shaking your head. you refused to acknowledge the fact that you weren’t just hallucinating it.

you turned around and looked up at him, tears streaming down your face while he kept a neutral expression. he didn’t show any emotion, other than disappointment in himself. he didn’t even feel exposed, just stupid for buying worse substances.

you felt angry at yourself, angry for letting him ruin himself with drugs. you felt angry for letting him go on for so long that you were happy if you saw him smoke instead of seeing his jaw shiver.

angry you didn’t notice how bad it got.

you scanned him up and down, noticing something was missing on him.

“where’s… your ring..?”

heeseung didn’t answer. instead, he dropped down on his knees, hands covering his face as he sobbed out loudly. you have never seen him cry so loud before, especially not over himself. he had sold his ring, hoping to purchase more and more stuff to calm himself down and temporarily forget about the pain.

you breathed heavily, hoping none of this was real. you cried along with him, but not out of empathy. you couldn’t believe someone could be so sick and careless once an addiction starts.

did he even love you after all if he was willing to sell an important memory away?

maybe he loved you so much that he hoped you would’ve noticed how bad he got so you could leave him and gain your self respect back.

but that self respect was gone a long time ago.

you still blame yourself every night, even though you weren’t the one encouraging him to go on.

but you weren’t a good person either.

you knew he was struggling and instead of throwing his stuff away, comforting him or seeking professional help for him, you just accepted it.

addiction is a serious issue that can affect relationship bonds with people who are close to you, even if you’re not the one who’s the addict in the situation.

you never thought too much of anything like this, purely because you didn’t expect it to go this far.

you didn’t even expect him to start in the first place.

maybe in another life, he knew how to deal with stress.

maybe then he would’ve been sober and not create all this mess because of his doing.

in the end, it wasn’t his fault anyways. it was yours.

dating a drug addict was something you never expected to happen in your life, until you barely showed heeseung any signs that you wanted him to quit.

next time, maybe show some more care.

——————————————————————————

Tags: @cheriwons @rikifleur

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