you never walk alone

I think I might just kms instead

Incompetent

Ozzy loves babbling about random stuff right before he sleeps and tell me whyyyy out of all days he mentions me wanting to have another baby and to help take care of him and that he wants him to go over to his dads house together when I literally had just seen his dad from afar for the first time in almost 5 months and I’ve been emotional about it and like this poor kid doesn’t understand if I have another baby they won’t have the same dad. Brought up feelings I didn’t know I still had looool i’m in tears wtf

I’m gonna be honest and say that I’ve been wanting to off myself these past few days but I fear it’s gotten to the point where I don’t think anyone would notice for a couple days and that’s gross and even more sad lol

These days ozzy has been asking me for a baby brother or sister and even went so far recently to ask what name i’d give his baby brother and it’s making me want to be financially/mentally stable and have a stable partner too :( it’s breaking my heart, I want to have another baby so bad, my heart’s starting to feel kind of empty.

I’ve had way too much time to think recently I might’ve come to a conclusion that I really don’t want to have /:

This depression is still so debilitating I feel like laughing

I couldn’t help but cry going back to my room bringing ozzy some warmed up food. He asked why I was crying and I didn’t answer for a while and just cried while he looked at me with his hand on my shoulder. I finally told him I just felt lonely and he told me so sincerely that I wasn’t lonely because “it’s the two of us” “me and you mama.” In a way that makes me feel more lonely.

No one ever notices here, I haven’t showered in 4 days. My hair is greasy, I probably smell gross, I haven’t brushed my teeth in almost a week. Life.. is so dreadful yet I still think it’s worth living. Just wish I had some more support. I’m so tired & I feel selfish for feeling tired knowing I might be able to do something about it, just lack the motivation.

It’d be so much easier to just leave this world, i’m tired. But the thought of dying and leaving ozzy & the people I love alone might be scarier than just living? And dying sounds scary these days.. also i’m scared my mom might die soon.. that’s even more terrifying because she has so much more to leave behind. 4 kids & one that is 12 & severely autistic with a pos dad. How do I even navigate this? How can I move forward? How do I make sure my mom keeps living because she’s the pillar to all her kids lives.. I can’t imagine life without her. But what can I do when i’m struggling myself. Life is very very… tough.