fandom-chic

She just wanted to be perfect. She had to be. 

A day like this is one that sticks in someone's mind for a long time and she must leave a favorable impression. Or at least pass as somewhat graceful, especially in the wake of what has happened.

“Mummy!” Her daughter’s shout reverberated through the house, interrupting Y/N’s racing thoughts. It may be for the best that she approached this day with her mind as a blank slate. That was what this day was, blank and with zero expectations. If it was anything else to her, it couldn’t be. One may say that was cruel and unfeeling. Y/N didn’t really know anymore.

“Coming sweetheart,” Y/N shouted back, dabbing a final blot of red lipstick upon her lip before heading out of her bedroom door. When she entered Jane’s room, she saw the little girl in her PJs still, holding a doll in each hand. Jane looked up at her mother, using the doll to gesture towards her.

“Play with me, Mummy.” Y/N let out a sigh before heading to her daughter’s bed, holding up the dress she laid out for Jane. 

“Janey, I told you to put this dress on,” Y/N said, annoyance mixing into her voice. Jane frowned, fixating back on her dolls.

“I don’t want to,” Jane stated, as if the conversation was over. 

“Well, you have to.” Y/N retorted tiredly, not wanting to argue with her five year old daughter. 

“No,” Jane whined, standing up and throwing the dolls to the floor. 

“Yes,” Y/N responded, “We have to leave in ten minutes or we’re going to be late.” 

“I don’t want to go,” Jane screamed, the tantrum on the precipice of beginning. Y/N could feel frustration simmering in her gut as she bent down to her daughter’s height. 

“I know you don’t want to, love, but there’s no one to watch you,” Y/N said, placing a hand on her daughter’s arm, “Plus, you don’t want Mummy to be alone today, do you? She’s going to miss you so much.” Her daughter’s face softened immediately, as if the idea of her mother being all alone was the worst thing imaginable. Jane quickly shook her head, grabbing the dress from her mother’s hands. 

“No, I don’t want you to be lonely.” Y/N nodded at this, feeling that with each day that goes by, she is becoming more and more like her own mother. The guilt tripping was beginning early. Y/N helped pull the dress over Jane’s head and took her daughter in. She truly was the best thing in your life. 

“Ready to go?” Y/N asked. Jane answered with a nod. Y/N gave her daughter a smile before taking her and leading the two of them out the door. It was too nice out today to drive, so Y/N decided to let them walk. It wasn’t the farthest walk in the world, only twenty minutes away. The weather seemed to put Jane in a better mood as she began skipping down the road of Small Heath. Looking down at her daughter, Y/N couldn’t help but see herself. This was about the age she was when she moved to Small Heath. This was the age she was when her life changed and she still isn’t sure if it was for the worse or the better. Regardless, William would be so proud of their little girl. 

The walk went by quickly and soon they were there. It was a small funeral, smaller than Y/N expected, especially since the deceased was a well loved member of town. Y/N and Jane went into the church and were greeted by a closed casket as well as a beautiful portrait of her, Grace. The barmaid from that day all those years ago. Y/N stood and examined every inch of it, taking in the soft blue eyes and the quaffed blonde hair. Tommy did pick a beautiful wife. 

To be honest, Y/N still wasn’t entirely sure why she was here. She and Tommy hadn’t spoken since that day five years ago. It was probably for the best, even if Y/N had spent many nights dreaming up conversations with her best friend. She played back that last night in her head, wondering what would’ve happened if she let him stay. She sighed to herself, squeezing her daughter’s hand gently.

Deep down, Y/N knew why she was here. He was her best friend and, even if he wasn’t there on the worst day of her life, she had to be there for him. A tear pricked the corner of her eye as she pushed that thought down as people began to file into the church. 

“Come on, sweetheart, let’s take a seat.” At that, the woman and her daughter went to one of the back pews and took a seat. The two of them observe the service from afar. They weren’t family and they were barely friends anymore. 

Loved one after loved one spoke about Grace, remembering the wonderful woman that she was. The event seemed to almost drag on until Tommy finally rose. Y/N’s breath caught in her throat as he looked out at the crowd. She hoped he wouldn’t see her as she tried to hunch into the pew. 

He cleared his throat of tears before speaking, “I didn’t think this day would come. The day I would have to say goodbye to my Grace,” His voice wavered slightly but he continued, “But here we are. Grace, I love you beyond words and I will miss you for the rest of my life.” At that, he was done and he was seated. It was short but sometimes that’s all you can say when your spouse suddenly dies.

Soon after this, everything came to a close. Y/N and Jane rose quickly and began to head out. Tommy didn’t need to know she was here. As she’s about to make her way out the door, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She froze, not sure if she should look at who was behind her.

“Hello, love,” she relaxed at that voice. Arthur. She turned around and brought the man into an embrace.

“Arthur Shelby, it’s been too long,” she felt his hands go around her waist and hold her close. He then pulled away, putting his hands on both her shoulders, taking her in.

“Each time I see you, you just get more and more beautiful,” Y/N couldn’t help but roll her eyes at his comment. His gaze then moves to the little girl attached to her mother’s hip. He bends down, going eye to eye with the child.

“And you must be Jane, you look just like your mum,” Jane, usually not a shy girl, hides in Y/N’s skirt. Y/N gave a small chuckle as she looked back at Arthur.

“She’s not usually like this,” Arthur shrugged.

“It’s not every day a little girl has to go to a funeral.” Arthur stopped himself short before he could say anything else. He looked into Y/N’s eyes to see if he touched a nerve and noticed the slight sadness that entered and left her face. It was just a moment, but anyone who knew Y/N would’ve noticed. He cleared his throat awkwardly before continuing, “I’m sorry again about William.” 

Y/N’s gaze immediately went to the corner of the room. This was a discussion she was used to having at this point. It had been three years since she lost her husband, but the wound still hurt. It was like the scab got peeled back and slowly picked at until blood started to flow. 

Y/N let her hand fidgets with her skirt as she tried to look back at Arthur, “It’s alright, it’s been years now.” Arthur takes her hand from her skirt. 

“That doesn’t make it any less awful,” He gave her hand a squeeze, “The least I can do is ask you back for drinks at Arrow House. I’m sure the rest of the family would want to see you.” 

“Arthur, I’m not sure-”

“I won’t take no for an answer.” Y/N sighs, considering what the next part of her day would look like. Before she knew it, she was on the grounds of Arrow House. It really wasn’t a house though, a mansion was a more apt word for what this estate was. Even though the home could’ve fit hundreds of people in it, only a couple were there now. Family and Y/N and Jane, but Tommy nowhere in sight.

Everyone seemed to disperse around the house, including Jane who went off with Ada’s boy, Karl. Y/N tried to schmooze with the Shelby family, but couldn’t help her eyes from wandering. She had to find Tommy. She knew he was somewhere in this mansion. There was no way he wasn’t. So, when people seemed distracted, she left the crowd and began searching. It didn’t take a lot of exploring before she noticed a door with a light peaking through the bottom. Her curiosity didn’t allow her to knock; she reached for the doorknob, pushing the door open. 

Y/N was correct in her assumption because there Tommy was, head in his hands as he sat hunched at his desk. She knew she should make her presence known. She knew the least she could do is say hello. It would force him to look up and acknowledge her. But that’s not what she did. She couldn’t because all she saw was the boy with the baseball from all those years ago broken into millions of pieces. Her feet led her right to him and her body did what it had to. She scurried over, taking him into her arms.

His instinct was to twitch away, even try to swat at the random hands but then he saw her. Even though it was years, he couldn’t help but lean in. He knew it could’ve been decades, even lifetimes and he would always lean into her touch.

“Y/N.” The word came out in the timbre of a whisper, but Y/N heard it. It was her Tommy, how could she not?

“Tommy.” His arms wrapped tightly around her waist as her hand went into his hair, stroking it. “I’m so sorry.”

She waited for Tommy to respond, but he didn’t say anything. He just held her. So she let him. She let him take her in like she had so many times before and she felt a semblance of peace. Maybe for the first time in a long time. Minutes ticked by like this before Y/N felt Tommy move. She looked down at him to see him rising to his feet. Soon, her hands were on her cheeks as he gazed into her eyes.

“I can’t believe you came,” he whispered. Y/N couldn’t help but lean her forehead against his. He let her.

“You’re my best friend, Tommy,” she responded, her voice quivering, “it’s what best friends do.” She felt him twitch at that, knowing she may have accidentally hit a nerve.

“You can’t say that, Y/N,” the volume of his voice began to rise, “when William died I was nowhere to be seen. I left you alone like a fucking coward.”

“Don’t say that,” Y/N soothed, but Tommy pulled away.

“No, I will,” Tommy said, running a hand through his hair in frustration, “Your fucking husband died and I couldn’t put my ego aside long enough to see you.” 

Y/N stood in silence, watching him, taking in his words. At the time of William’s funeral, Y/N was half a woman. Not even, she was not even one percent of who she used to be. She was all alone with a toddler and a restaurant, unsure of how the next day would go. And despite all of that, she wished she could cry in Tommy’s arms. She also wanted to punch his chest in frustration. 

When she received the news of Grace’s death, she was ready to stay home. To spend a day like any other day, until she got a knock at her door. When she opened it, Polly stood before her, more sullen than Y/N had seen her in years.

“Polly, what are you doing here?”

“Hello, Y/N,” she said, letting herself in. She took off her gloves and took in the home quickly, before continuing, “I wish I could’ve come with better news but…” she trailed off before continuing, “Tommy’s wife died.” 

Y/N’s hand instinctively flew to her chest, “Oh god, that’s awful, what happened?” And Polly explained the series of events of the last few years and the rise to power the Peaky Blinders had come to which, inevitably, led to Grace’s death.

“I’m so sorry Pol, what a terrible thing to happen,” Y/N said, “Please send my condolences to Tommy, I’m sure he needs it more than ever right now.” Y/N had expected the conversation to be over now, but Polly didn’t move.

“He needs you, Y/N. More than ever.” Y/N averted her gaze from Polly. The last thing she wanted to do was see Tommy.

Y/N let out a sigh before saying, “Polly, I’m not sure that’s a great idea. Besides, he didn’t come to William’s funeral and that was-”

“I know, but you have to realize he couldn’t.” Polly’s hand went to Y/N’s, giving it a squeeze, “He may seem like a man who is invincible, but with you… it’s different. He becomes that little boy again. You’re more than he is and I think he knows that.” 

And those words stuck with Y/N, especially here in Tommy’s office. She didn’t care about his ego anymore or the jealousy or any of that bullshit. All she knew was he needed her. So she reached out to him, hoping he would come.

“It’s the past now, Tom.” The words shocked him and seemed to surprise her as well, but anger had to leave at some point. “You’re my best friend, you always have been and you always will be.” 

So he goes to her, pulling her into his arms. Even after all this time, they still fit like puzzle pieces. True, they were a bit more jagged now, but they still were perfect matches. 

“I love you, Y/N,” She knew those words were real.

“I love you too.” And slowly, they knew that one day, they could heal. 

End

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These thoughts swirled through her mind, not allowing Y/N to bring herself to shut the door. Her limbs were stiff, and her bones felt like they were fused together. All she could do was stare at her old lover as his frame took up the doorway.

“Can I come in?” He was calm, acting as if the events of last night had not happened. As if he did not follow her into her husband’s office, trying to use warm words to make her turn away from her life. The one she built without him.

Her grip tightened on the doorknob, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Her eyes narrowed as she refused to avert her gaze.

“Well,” Tommy ran a hand up and down the pine exterior of the door, assessing the strength, “I can imagine this door wasn’t very expensive. It could come down with a kick or two.”

“You wouldn’t dare,” she said behind a clenched jaw.

“Try me,” his eyebrows rose, accepting her challenge. Y/N knew another expense was not something her family could afford right now. She cracked the door open far enough for Tommy to slither in. Tommy tried to maintain his suave exterior, but it was hard for him when he had to wiggle through the now minuscule entryway. Once he was finally in the house, he smoothed down his front coat, “Now that wasn’t too hard, was it?” he grumbled.

“I wouldn’t say that,” Y/N said, a haughty twinge to her voice. She shut the door with a light push, letting the sound of it closing reverberate throughout the house. She refused to take her eyes off of this man. She crossed her arms, taking him in more holistically now. Last night, all she caught was glimpses of him as she avoided him at all costs. Now, she can truly examine this new version of Tommy. There seemed to be an air of wealth that wasn’t originally there. His gloves appeared to be made of leather and his jacket seemed to be made of superior cotton.

Tommy noticed Y/N’s eyes scrutinizing every detail of his exterior and began to remove his cap. There was a sophistication to him that was not there back in 1914.

“I can take your jacket if you would like, Mr. Shelby,” she said, a coolness set in her tone. Tommy let out an exasperated sigh as he slipped off his coat. Y/N took it in her arms and walked to a spare chair, tossing it on top. It was a simple act of defiance that gave her the smallest sense of superiority.

“I could have done that myself,” he noted, motioning toward the chair.

“Well,” Y/N dusted an invisible piece of lint from her skirt, “We wouldn’t want Tommy Shelby to have to exert himself now, would we?” The poison in her words made the air darken.

“Y/N, can we just-”

“Tea?” She asked, not wanting this part of the conversation to happen quite yet. Maybe if she pushed it off long enough, it may never happen. Tommy leaned against the wall, crossing his arms.

“Do you have anything stronger?” She couldn’t help but snort.

“I can leave the tea bag in for an extra minute if that’s what you’re looking for.” Her hands went to her hips as if she was scolding Tommy.

“Then I guess I’ll have tea.” His voice finally gave a bite to her, as if not having the option to have some kind of liquor impeded him. Something that the old Tommy could have lived without but this new one seemed to lean on.

The two wandered into the kitchen as Y/N set the kettle on the stove. Tommy took a seat, letting his elbows rest on the wooden table. She could not shake the feeling that Tommy’s eyes were analyzing every aspect of her home, creating a hypothesis about the kind of life that Y/N was living.

As if on cue, Tommy noted, “Small kitchen.” Y/N gripped the side of the counter, putting her anger into the pine.

“It’s good enough for me,” she said between gritted teeth. She heard Tommy scoff as she tried to keep all her attention on the water coming to a boil.

“I’m just saying I never expected to see you in a place like this,” there was a nonchalance to his voice that made her want to chuck something, anything, at it. “I always expected something-”

“Something like what, Tommy?” She interrupted, spinning toward him, making eye contact with the reposed man.

He throws his hands up, feigning losing the battle, “Just making observations.”

“Well,” The kettle began to sing, and Y/N began to pour little streams of water into the waiting mugs, “maybe you should keep these observations to yourself.” She picked up the two mugs and placed Tommy’s in front of him with a thud.

“What good will that do, Y/N?” He says, blowing on the piping hot drink.

“It will make me not want to kick you out of my house.” He chuckles at her response.

“Feisty tonight, aren’t we?” He noted, taking a sip of his tea. At this, the clatter of a teacup echoes throughout the kitchen, and shards litter the floor. Y/N’s face is a blotchy red as the anger rises from her stomach, through her throat and out her mouth.

“Why are you acting like this?” She screeched.

“Like what?” His aloof demeanor is beginning to slip.

“Like a childish asshole,” Y/N spat, wanting her words to stick to his expensive shirt. She couldn’t bear to sit anymore, letting her legs lift her from her spot at the table.

“Look who’s talking, at least I’m not throwing shit around the kitchen,” He stands to her level now. She runs a hand through her hair, wondering how to respond.

The words slip out, “Tommy, you broke up with me,” they were a whisper but they felt like a yell, “Why can’t you just let me be happy?” He immediately softened as he took a step toward Y/N.

“It’s not that simple.” This was the first time he couldn’t meet her gaze.

“It sure seemed simple when you told me I would never see you again,” she grumbled. This caused him to meet her eyes.

“Don’t say that.” His words were curt and cut like a knife.

“Tommy, you obviously were done with me because you know I would’ve waited for you forever.” She said that part before she could stop herself. A beat passed between the two before she felt a hand entwine with hers. She looked down to see Tommy closer than she had imagined he could ever be again.

He leaned in and rested his forehead upon hers. She knew she should run, tell this stranger to leave, but she knew she couldn’t. Her body was stuck in that spot as she stared into the blue eyes in front of her.

“Do you think I wanted to do that? Do you think I wanted to never see you again?” There was a quiver in his voice, but he continued, “I was stuck, Y/N. I loved a perfect woman and I just kept making her life shittier and shittier. I left because I loved you.” And there was her answer. The words she wanted to hear for so long.

“You don’t mean that-”

“I was damaged goods who would either die on the streets of Small Heath or honorably in France. I decided to do one kind thing I could do and…” He needed to catch his breath.

“And what, Tommy?” She stuttered.

He took a deep breath before saying, “I let you go. Gave you a fighting chance. You deserved better.” He pulled away from Y/N, keeping her hands in his as he took in her kitchen for a second time, “so maybe I am a little spiteful because I got exactly what I wanted.”

Exactly what he wanted. That’s what he said. He gave her what he wanted. A home. A kind husband. A beautiful child. Stability. Something he could never give her.

So, Y/N did the only thing she could think to do at that moment. That was when Tommy’s chest was pulled into Y/N’s. Their first embrace in four years. She felt his body stiffen as she brought it to her, but she didn’t care. She needed this. She needed to know why.

“Tommy, I loved you.” His body loosened, and she felt a hand graze her back. Y/N could barely hear the next words, but she knew she couldn’t ask him to repeat.

“I’ll always love you, Y/N.”

And in that moment, she knew she could play pretend. She knew she could pretend this home was bigger, cleaner, and fancier. She could pretend that Tommy was the one coming home to her every night and sharing her bed. She could pretend that they held each other close every night as they drifted off. She could pretend this was their life. So she gave in.

“Can I show you something?” She asked, pulling away from the broken man in front of her. He smiled in response as she motioned for him to follow her lead. She brought him to the living room where a phonograph was the centerpiece. Next to it, a pile of records lived.

“Quite the collection you have.” He noted, she smiled to herself at that.

“Thank you, but there is one I think you should see.” That was when she plucked an old dusty 45 out of the pile. She blew the dust from the cover before examining it. She took in the image of the singer and the way the words lived on the sleeve.

Tommy looked over her shoulder and smiled, “It’s our song.” She felt his hands touch her shoulders and she leaned in.

“I couldn’t get rid of it,” she said, turning toward Tommy, “how could I?” His hand goes to her cheek, caressing it.

“Why don’t you put it on?” And that’s what she did. As soon as the crackles turned into a melody, she faced Tommy, giving him a curtsy. She received a theatrical bow in response. No words were exchanged as Tommy held his hand out to Y/N. She floated into his arms and swayed as the crooner’s voice filled the room.

And there she was. 1914, telling Tommy to never leave and he listened. 1915, the wedding happened. 1916, they bought their first home. 1917, their first child was born. 1918, peace. And now, dancing in their living room like they were 15 and 16 again. Maybe they both were still those people.

“I’ve always loved you too, Tommy,” Y/N whispered at a volume no one could hear, but he did. She didn’t have to look up at him to know he was smiling. Maybe for the first time in a long time.

The song ended and the crackles filled the room again. Their eyes met and she didn’t have to question what happened next. His lips were just as soft as they were the last day she felt them. Warm, comforting and saying words he didn’t have the ability to speak. She couldn’t say them either, only her body could. And they were at peace.

At least they were until the dream was over.

A wail echoed throughout the home as Y/N pulled away from Tommy. She knew this couldn’t last forever.

“Excuse me,” she murmured before scurrying up the rickety old stairs. Standing in her crib banging on the bars like a prisoner stood Jane. Her face was red and blotchy as cries and screams too loud for her small body left her mouth.

“I’m here sweetheart,” she comforted, picking up the small child. Jane burrowed into her mother’s arms, immediately calming down. Y/N rocked the child, trying everything she could to calm her. A hum started to sound from her lips as the tune of the song she just danced too filled the room. It was only interrupted when a new presence made itself known.

“Who is this?” Tommy uttered, but he knew the answer.

“This is Jane,” Y/N voiced, “my daughter.” The baby finally noticed Tommy, looking at the man with the astonishingly blue eyes. Y/N could see the gears in her daughter’s brain moving as she took in this new man.

“Jane,” Tommy said, approaching the mother and child, “A beautiful name for a beautiful girl.” Y/N smiled as Tommy held out a hand to the baby. She took one of his fingers in her tiny hand and examined it. Tommy cannot help but mirror Jane’s curiosity, taking in every detail of the baby.

“She looks just like you,” he noted, moving his gaze to Y/N. “I always imagined our first child would be the spitting image of their mother.”

That’s when words she thought she would never utter exploded from her lips, “I cannot help but think if that would have happened with the baby, or if he would’ve looked like his father…”

A silence falls upon the room as the lovers gaze upon one another, imagining what could have been and what could still be. Because, deep down, she knew, she would follow him anywhere.

“Y/N,” she moved a step toward him, putting a hand on his cheek.

“Tommy,” she replied, he stiffened against her touch.

“I’m sure you know why I’m here today. I thought maybe I could convince you to run away with me. To finally leave this godforsaken place. Get married and live the life we deserve. But,” There it was, the but. She knew there was always a but, “I think someone else needs you a bit more than I do.” That was when Tommy’s hand moved from Jane’s to the baby’s face, taking the plump cheek in his hand.

“But, why?” She knew she sounded like a petulant child. With him here, that part of her truly seemed to shine. Tommy chuckled, pulling away from Jane.

“A child needs their father and mother, especially if that mother is you.” That was when it all became clear. Jane needed her mother but she also needed William. The stable and kind father any child deserved. Tommy was right, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t yearn.

“I just wish I could rewind the clock and run away from all of this with you.” At her words, his arms moved around her waist, pulling both mother and child into his embrace.

“Maybe in another life,” those words came out wistfully as his chin rested upon her head.

“Maybe,” she echoed, gazing past the room into the unknown. A beat passed before she turned toward Tommy, his chin leaving her head so he could get a good look at her. They both knew it might be the last.

“Can I ask something of you?” he questioned. She nodded, and he smiled. “One final kiss?” Before she could respond, her lips were pressed against his. She held it for as long as her lungs could bear. This was goodbye, and it had to count—or at least last forever, but she knew that was impossible. He pulled away sooner than she would’ve liked and rested his forehead against hers.

“In another life,” he whispered, placing a light peck on her forehead before leaving as quickly as he came.

His words repeated in her head, in another life. Little did she know, that life may not have been too far away.

Next chapter

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Still, she couldn't get his face out of her mind, or the way he gazed at the barmaid. Then there was the manner in which his eyes left the songbird and moved to her and lingered. She knew there were words in that look that she didn't want to comprehend. She didn't know if she could do that without screaming. She knew these thoughts should be gone, that he should be wiped from her mind. He left her on that dock all alone that day. But something deep inside her also knew that was not possible. He was hers, and she was his. She could run as far as she wanted to, but he was there in the tiniest crook of her heart. It was his to claim, and claim it he did.

Y/N had finally reached the floor, her legs fanned out in front of her. Her ears were ringing, uncertain of how her heart could be so foolish. She had a wonderful husband who loved her with all his might. But here he was, Tommy, ripe for the picking, and she had to take a bite.

The ringing began to subside and turned into another sound, one she was well acquainted with. The wails of Jane filled up Y/N's home, seeming to penetrate every crevice. Although Y/N wanted to spend the next five years sitting in shock, she knew her baby needed her.

So, she pulled herself up, wiped invisible specks of dust off her skirt, and made her way upstairs. She followed the familiar cries until she saw Jane, clenching the bars of her crib and wailing.

"Sweetheart, it's okay," Y/N soothed, gliding into the nursery. She scooped Jane into her arms, holding her close.

"Mama," Jane moaned into her shoulder as wet tears coated Y/N's dress. Y/N bounced her child, trying to calm the wails.

"I'm here, don't worry," she whispered to Jane. And she was. She was here for this beautiful girl. This girl who would always need her. This girl who would always come before any man, even her husband and especially...

A strong pair of arms wrapped around Y/N's waist, pulling her in. She couldn't help but lean her head back and sigh. And for a moment, as she closed her eyes, she felt Tommy's arms, but she knew better.

"Is everything okay? I was in the office, and there seemed to be a bunch of noise," William asked, his words waking her up from her trance.

"I'm fine, we're just having a tough day." Y/N didn't elaborate on who was having that tough night. William sighed. He knew everything about his wife, especially when she was keeping something from him.

"What happened?" He questioned. Y/N knew what he was asking about but hoped he might have meant something else.

"Oh, there was a bang that must've-"

"Not Jane, you," His words weren't malicious, just stern. Y/N pulled out of her husband's embrace and turned to face him.

"Nothing happened."

"Y/N, please." His words stung. They pierced her heart like a needle.

She took a minute to string her words together before she answered, "I saw him."

"Who?" But William already knew.

"Tommy." The word came out as a whisper. She knew once she spoke it into the room, it was real. A long exhale left William's nose as a hand went through his hair.

"And where did you see..." William didn't want to say his name too many times, worried he might summon him. The baby seemed to finally be starting to calm down as the cries turned into little hiccups. Y/N walked to the crib, putting her daughter down to rest. She gave her one final look before venturing to her husband.

"The Garrison. I wanted to grab a drink and," Y/N motioned toward what seemed to be a ghost, "there he was." She let her eyes wander into the dim light of Jane's room, imagining the look on Tommy's face from tonight. Y/N took a deep breath before taking a seat in the rocking chair. William didn't move toward his wife. He stayed where he was, hand in his hair.

"And," Y/N could sense the gears in his mind working as he tried to put his words together, "how do you feel?" Y/N didn't want to answer this. She knew whatever she said wouldn't be enough. If she said there was nothing there, she knew William would deny it. She knew that if she claimed it was like no time had passed for her and Tommy, she could lose the life she had built for herself.

Instead of attacking the question, she stared at the wall and muttered, "I feel like I could use a strong drink." Even in this mayhem and uncertainty, she heard a snicker come out of her husband's lips. He was a good man. A kind one. An understanding one. She felt his presence finally move, and he was behind her, his hands resting on the back of the rocking chair. He smelled like home.

"We are out of anything good right now, but Finnegan's is fully stocked. I'll watch Jane, you grab a good glass of wine." Y/N looked back at William, expecting to see a touch of annoyance behind his kind exterior, but the only look there was love. Y/N's hand reached up and gave her husband's a light squeeze.

"I won't be late." He pulled their hands up to his lips, giving her knuckles a kiss.

"I know." And she set off. Time must have passed quickly because the sun already seemed to be setting. Although she knew fall in Small Heath meant shorter days and longer nights, she didn't know it constituted an almost non-existent amount of sunlight. When she reached Finnegan's, she let herself in. She knew to expect a good number of patrons since it was almost dinner time, but the place was empty.

She took a sigh before moving into the back office, placing her jacket on her husband's desk chair. The lack of business was a trend that had begun once the soldiers came back. Y/N truly expected it to cause a boom and for some more money to finally come in, but it seemed that people were tightening their belts and using their remaining cash on gin and wine. She smoothed her skirt, trying to avert her gaze from the bills littering William's desk. It wasn't her business.

She stepped out of the office and walked up to the bar. She knew the bartender, not intimately, but well enough that he slid a glass of chardonnay right in front of her before she had fully settled into her stool. Y/N gave him a smile and a nod before he wandered off, going to the back to clean glasses. And there she was, alone. Alone with her thoughts and allowed to mull them over.

Almost on cue, as she was about to finally begin to take apart the situation and look at it from different angles, she heard the front door open. She began to call for the bartender to come back and serve the customer who had just walked in, but as she looked back to see the number of patrons, all she saw was one. One man who had yet to leave her mind.

"Y/N." It was his version of a greeting. Words seemed to stick to her throat, not wanting to escape. Tommy took a step toward her, letting the door shut behind him. Her body stayed still, but her mouth began to work.

"What are you doing here?" It was almost a whisper, but she knew he heard. Before he could answer, she cut him short, "You can't be here. This is my husband's business. You have to leave." Her limbs started to loosen as she gained the power to rise from her seat.

"I wanted to-"

“No, please stop.” She rushed into her husband’s office and gathered all her belongings in her arms. Tommy followed her and so did his words. She couldn’t hear them, she knew she couldn’t. 

“Tommy stop!” At her exclamation, he silenced. She knew she had to leave this man. He was a snake in the garden and she wanted to pick the apple. But she had to look at him one last time. So she gazed into those blue eyes for one more beat before letting her feet guide her out the door. She didn’t look back as she found herself racing back home for the second time today. He didn’t follow after her.

This time when she arrived home, she didn't slam any doors. She shut the door slowly behind her, turning the knob in a way that it didn't make a sound. Her hand lingered as she considered going back into the night. The darkness called her, but she turned away from it and stepped into the living room of her family's home.

She couldn't help but smile at the sight before her. William was passed out on the couch with little Jane atop his chest. A thumb was in her mouth, and her other hand was in her father's. This was why she didn't venture into the night. This is what her life was: a little girl who needed her and a man who was good to her. She let the warm feeling subside in her stomach as she made her way to the bedroom for a much-needed night of sleep.

Y/N awoke the next morning to a pair of lips being pressed to her forehead. Her eyes opened to see William above her, dressed for the day. She turned to the clock on the wall to see it read 8:00 AM. Jane had to be awake by now. Y/N began to rise before William put a hand on her shoulder.

"I took care of Jane. She's fed and her diaper has been changed. Take your time." This caused Y/N to relax slightly, knowing she didn't have to spring out of bed for her baby. She let her gaze wander to her husband's.

"Thank you," she said, reaching out to brush a hand across his cheek.

"I'll be back late tonight. Don't stay up too late for me." At this, he pulled Y/N into a kiss. His lips lightly pecked hers before he went out the bedroom door. Y/N waited until she heard the door close and lock before she lazily swung her limbs out of bed. She knew Jane could wait for her, but she had to see her daughter. When she walked into the nursery to see her smiling baby, she knew her day would be a bright one.

And that was how that lazy Saturday was. Y/N spent the morning cleaning the house, taking care of the baby, and planning a dinner for her husband. It was the perfect image of domestic bliss. It wasn't until Jane's afternoon nap that it was interrupted.

A knock on the front door echoed throughout her home. Y/N placed down the book she was resting with and went to the door. It had to be William; she wasn't expecting anyone else. Without checking the peephole, Y/N opened the door.

"You said you wouldn't be home until-" She cut herself off when a familiar pair of blue eyes looked back at her.

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That was when a knock echoed throughout her room. The knocker didn’t wait for a response before entering. She didn’t have to look over to know whose footsteps had made their way into her room.

“Are you okay, sweetheart?” Her father’s voice soothed as she felt her bed shift under his weight.

“He’s gone,” she continued staring up.

“Who?” There was no reason he had to question her about who it was.

“Tommy,” her voice began to rise, “Who else could it be?” There was poison in her words. She heard him let out a sigh. Even without looking at his face, she knew his words hurt him. That wasn’t what she wanted. She didn’t need to hurt one of the few people who seemed to understand her in some way.

That was when she rolled her head to the side, gazing upon her father. “What do I do, Daddy?” The words were a plea, and in that second, when her father met her eyes, all he saw was his baby girl on the ground with a bloody knee, asking him to patch her up. She wasn’t the woman he knew her as right now, just the child that was buried under years of life wearing her down.

So, he said what he knew would help. Maybe not what she wanted to hear; on the contrary, it was probably the last thing she wanted to acknowledge, but she had to.

“Live,” His hand drifted over to hers, taking it and giving it a squeeze, “You can’t pause your life for one person.” He let a beat pass before continuing, “You know it’s what Tommy would want.” And she knew he was right. She didn’t want him to be right, but he was. He almost always was.

She rose to her father's level before enveloping him in a hug. His arms wrapped around his daughter, pulling her close. He expected to feel tears dampening his shoulder, but he didn’t feel any. He smiled. She would be okay.

A few weeks later, the school year had begun. The leaves in Small Heath let Y/N know that change was here as the leaves went from green to red. She splashed water on her face, stared at herself in the mirror before taking a deep breath.

“You will be okay.”

September 1915

Another year has begun. As the final child scurried out of her classroom, she shut the door and locked it, leaning her weight against the wood. After one day, she wished for a break. She wished summer could have lasted all year, but those thoughts would go away. She just needed to rearrange the desks, clean the blackboard, and pick the pencils off the ground. And maybe sweep the floors, put the books back on the bookshelf, and wash the stain out of the green rug. That was when Y/N decided a first day of school drink was in order.

She tidied up her classroom as best as she could before heading out for the day. She let her feet carry her toward the town center, scouring possible locations for an after-school drink. That was when she found herself in front of The Garrison. She felt her body stiffen as she was presented with the familiar exterior. She could go in. Tommy wasn’t there. She snorted to herself at that. Of course, he wasn’t there. Why not head in for a drink?

As much as she tried to rationalize it, she couldn’t let herself move forward. Ghosts lived in that bar. Maybe not real ghosts, but ghosts of realities that could’ve been her own. That was when she turned away and headed farther along the road.

A sign she had walked by many times but never paid much mind had caught her attention. Finnegan’s. Why not?

She entered the restaurant and peered around, looking for somewhere to sit. That was when she noticed a bar. Perfect. She carried herself to a barstool and plopped herself down. She let herself peer around the restaurant, taking in the environment. It was relatively empty with a few patrons scattered throughout the establishment. The room smelled vaguely of cigarettes and beer, but not in an overwhelming sense. It would do. She placed her bag onto her lap and looked up, hoping to flag down a waiter; however, there didn’t seem to be one in sight.

“Hello?” She called, looking for someone, anyone to pour her something alcoholic. She looked around, shifting in her seat before she saw a man enter from the back. He saw her and gave her a small smile before making his way before the bar. He seemed uneasy on his feet, holding onto the ledge as he approached her.

“Sorry for the wait, what can I get you?” His voice was soothing, to say the least. His eyes matched the calm of his voice, giving her stomach a warm feeling, one that she pushed away before it could make its presence known.

“Just a glass of chardonnay would be wonderful,” she said, letting a smile play upon her lips. He nodded at her, giving her a wink.

“Chardonnay it is.” He turned toward the array of bottles. She couldn’t help but watch the way he focused, admiring how his deep brown eyes tried to find what she needed. When they did, a large hand reached out and grabbed the bottle, pouring her a generous portion.

She reached for her wallet but felt a hand rest upon hers, “It’s on the house.” Her eyebrows furrowed as she gave the man a confused look.

“Are you sure?” she questioned, looking around at the lack of customers in the restaurant.

“Well, I do have one caveat.” She let her chin rest in her hand as she looked up at him.

“What could that be?” She had a feeling where this could be going.

“Stay after close. Let me take you out.” She couldn’t help but roll her eyes at his words.

“Wow, you work fast.” She teased, taking a sip of her wine.

“In the world we live in today, we have to trust our intuition.” He said with a shrug, giving her a smirk. There was something boyish about his expression. She couldn’t deny this man was handsome; hell, his shoulders were so broad she was sure she could sit upon one of them. But she knew what her answer would be.

“I’m sorry, but I am afraid that I cannot follow up your offer.” The man bit lips, and gave a playful nod.

“I understand, came off a bit strong there.” There was a hint of a joke in his voice.

“Just a tad,” Y/N responded, “Besides, I’m not dating right now.”

“Oh,” The man quickly said, “Do you have someone in France?” The question she was dreading to be asked was asked. She shifted in the stool, averting eye contact.

“One could say that,” she muttered to herself, taking a larger sip. She looked back at the man, seeing him begin to place the puzzles of her together. It was almost like he could see through her.

“So how much does that drink cost?” She asked, grabbing for her wallet again.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it.” He waved his hand at her, “I could always use more friends.”

She smiled at his words, “We’re friends now?” she mused, “I’m still a stranger to you.”

“We can easily change that,” he said with a chuckle before holding out a hand, “I’m William.” She looked at his hand for a second before reaching out to shake.

“Y/N.”

And that was the beginning of a tradition for Y/N. Every Thursday, she would return to Finnegan’s for a drink. Or two. Or three. Or until the restaurant closed.

She got to know William. She learned his family owned the restaurant and it had been passed down for generations. He learned that she had come to Small Heath as a child, leaving the world she knew behind. She learned he had served in the war for a few months before losing his left foot. He was sent home with honors and a head full of sorrow. He learned that she had a love who no longer belonged to her.

Months had passed before the question came up again. The two of them were at their usual spots at the bar, him behind the counter and her in the stool. He had said something, causing her to laugh so hard her stomach hurt.

“I swear it’s true! That horse was an asshole.” He joked as Y/N wiped a tear from her eyes.

“No way! There is no way that horse spoke to you. You must’ve been pissed.” She said between giggles.

He gives an exaggerated shrug, flashing Y/N a large smile, “I swear on my father’s grave.” She playfully rolled her eyes before letting them linger on his. His stayed on her too, watching her reclined posture on the bar. He couldn’t help the smile that had formed on his lips as he leaned down to her. She didn’t shift away as his hand slipped to her jaw and pulled her in. His lips were warm and inviting. She gave in to his touch and felt at home.

He pulled away slowly, letting his lips linger close to hers, “So, about that date.”

September 1916

She cannot take her eyes off herself. How could she? She had never looked so beautiful in her whole life. Before her stood the reflection of a woman ready to commit her life to someone else. How could she not admire that woman?

She couldn’t help but take in the way her dress laid perfectly on her body, making her feel like the princess she never thought she deserved to be. The neck was scooped in a way that made her collar bone seem prominent. The sleeves were capped but had a flow to them still. There were light tears on the dress that led to a long train. The final thing she needed was her veil.

As if reading her mind, she heard a knock at the door. She turns, expecting to see her maid of honor but instead is greeted by the beaming face of her father.

“Hello, honey,” he greeted, letting his smile fill the room.

She smiles back and does a small spin, “What do you think?” She looks up at him expectantly as his smile seems to grow.

“Beautiful,” she could swear she saw the beginnings of a tear forming in her father’s eye, but it was quickly wiped away, “I’m proud of you, dear.” At those words, she cannot help but take her father in her arms and give him a warm hug.

“Thanks, Dad.” The warmth in her chest spread to her limbs and she felt some semblance of whole.

Her father pulls away, putting his hands on her shoulders, taking her in, “I never thought I’d get to see you like this again,” he gives her shoulders a squeeze, “Happy, glowing, and ready for the next step.” She nodded at her father's words, putting her hands on top of his.

“I guess you could say I didn’t stop living,” she gave him a knowing smile that he returned. Her father gave her a kiss on the cheek before exiting the room.

She watched the door shut before looking at her reflection once more. She looked at the way her face had changed in just two years and wondered what Tommy would think. He would recognize her, no doubt, but what would he say? That Small Heath had had its way with her? Y/N ran a hand through her curls at that part, trying to make them as elegant as possible.

She didn’t know what he would say. She shouldn’t be thinking like that on a day like today, but how could she not? This was the place she never imagined getting married. She thought it would be at their lake with a few friends and family, not with the whole town in a packed church. But life lives on.

At that, she placed her veil in her hair, gave herself a smile before heading to the ceremony. She is greeted by her father as she puts her arm in his. The wedding march begins to play and feelings of doubt begin to set in. She feels her feet begin to take her up the aisle. Her eyes seem to look everywhere but her husband: her mother, the priest, and finally, Polly Gray, the last woman she expected to see at her wedding.

Of course, Y/N sent Polly an invitation; it would be rude not to, but she didn’t think she would show; yet, here she was. The two women made eye contact as Y/N went up the aisle. She didn’t know what she expected, a sneer, an eye roll, or a side eye, but the look she got was what she expected the least: a smile and a nod.

Everything’s going to be okay.

Y/N nodded back at the Shelby matriarch before finally looking at the rest of her life, her fiancé, her William, but she couldn’t help but feel a shadow behind him.

September 1917

There was no bump yet; how could there be? She let her hand cup her abdomen, expecting some kind of protrusion but all that was there was her stomach. Y/N was late, which didn’t happen. She thought it might’ve been an anomaly, but when she missed her period a second month in a row, she knew it was something else. When her suspicions were confirmed, a weight came off her shoulders; she was pregnant.

She stood in her bedroom, taking in her figure, wondering what her body would become; wondering if she would recognize it; wondering if William would still like it; wondering who this person growing inside her would be.

“As long as they have any piece of you, we will be okay.” Those words traced around her mind like they were being whispered in her ear. Y/N knew when those words were spoken to her. It was April of 1914. She and Tommy were laying together, holding each other tight as they squeezed into his twin bed.

She remembered giggling as she ran a hand through his hair, “I just want them to have your eyes.” Tommy raised his eyebrows at that.

“My eyes? Why my eyes?” She giggled, giving him a playful smack.

“You know why, Mr. Shelby.” She knew he knew the beauty his eyes held. He smirked at his fiancée, giving her forehead a kiss. His lips lingered as he thought through his next words.

“You are good, Y/N. If they’re good like you, life will treat them well,” She knew they were talking about hypothetical babies. Ones that didn’t even exist yet, but his words stuck with her. They stuck with her as she turned to the side, examining her profile.

They’ll be good, that’s what matters.

Y/N took a deep breath, smoothed down the wrinkles of her skirt, and exited her and her husband’s bedroom. She knew where to find him as she opened the front door of their home and made her way to Finnegan’s. It was a slow day; it tended to be at the beginning of the week. She spotted him at his usual place behind the bar cleaning glasses. He looked up as she entered and smiled.

We will be okay.

November 11, 1918

The cheers woke her up with a start, then the cries of the baby kept her awake. Y/N wished she could be like William, able to sleep through any kind of disaster; yet, here she was. She gave a quick stretch before reaching for the baby.

“Shhh, it’s okay, dear,” she cooed at the bundle in her arms. She rose and took a peek out the window, curious where the noise could be coming from at such an hour. To her surprise, crowds of people were going up and down the street, holding each other as they cheered.

It couldn’t be true.

Y/N wrapped up the baby in the warmest clothes she could find in haste before speeding to the front door and flinging it open. The first thing she was met with was cheers, ones that were more easy to understand in closer proximity.

It was true: the war was over.

She held her daughter tighter, knowing where she had to go. Y/N slid on her shoes and threw on her bathrobe before letting her legs guide her to a familiar place. One that had been her home throughout her childhood. One that she thought she would live in one day.

She frantically knocked at the door. She didn’t care what time it was. Hell, all of Small Heath was out celebrating; no one was going to be asleep. Her knocking didn’t subside until the person she was hoping for opened the door.

“Do you know what bloody time it is?” Polly asked, her eyebrow raised. Her face softened when she noticed the essence of the cheers. That was when a smile rose to her face. Y/N’s face matched Polly’s.

“The boys are coming home.” The words were almost a whisper as Y/N used her free arm to pull Polly into a hug. Polly held back from her touch, causing Y/N to flinch away. She pulled back and looked at Polly, who was looking at the child in Y/N’s arms.

A warm smile rose to Polly’s lips, “She’s beautiful, what’s her name?” Y/N looked down at her daughter, the baby now seeming to have drifted back to sleep.

“Jane.”

“Jane, that’s a good name.” Polly said, grabbing a cigarette from her bathrobe pocket. She lit it, taking a deep breath of the smoke before exhaling, “You should go home, Y/N.”

Y/N cocked her head, “What?”

Polly took another inhale of the cigarette before continuing, “Just because Tommy’s coming home doesn’t mean anything, love. You moved on. He has too.” She exhaled, “Go home, Y/N.”

Y/N could tell she didn’t want to, but Polly shut the door, leaving Y/N alone in the chaos. Maybe Polly was right.

November 1919

The brisk fall air smacked her face as she stepped out of the schoolhouse. It was a feeling she was used to now, fall in Small Heath. It always started the same, promisingly warm to devastatingly cold. She could sense the devastation coming in.

Small Heath was not the same town it used to be. True, the heat and smell of factories bounced off all the surrounding buildings, but Y/N couldn’t deny the fact that there were more people here. She didn’t know what these people had to bring to her home, but she hoped it would be something warmer than this cold.

Y/N took in the environment around her and took in a deep breath. Twenty-nine would be a good year; she was determined it would be. She took a look at her watch. 3:30 PM. She had time.

She began to stroll down the road toward Finnegan’s. Her mother was watching Jane, but she would be there until 5:00 PM. She understood that Y/N had grading and lesson plans to create, but she also knew that children could be draining. Y/N couldn’t deny, she loved Jane with every fiber of her body. Her daughter was the light of her life. One she wasn’t sure she would see again.

Y/N shook that thought off of her as she went the familiar path to her family’s restaurant. As she turned a corner, she saw a vision she hadn’t seen in years. The Garrison, packed with patrons. So many that the doors were open. She had to investigate.

But did she?

Her pace came to a stop as she watched customers wander into her old bar. She knew the risk that came with going into The Garrison. She let her curiosity get the better of her.

She approached her old bar, the one she would frequent most days of the week. That was when she heard a sound she hadn’t in years, singing. She went through the front door and pushed into the crowd. Y/N was greeted by a sight: a blonde barmaid singing. It was an Irish folk song, a beautiful one to say the least. Y/N couldn’t help but become enraptured in her voice, letting the words and melody bathe over her. It wasn’t until she took a peek around the bar that she saw a face she thought she’d never see again.

A face she thought had gone to France and never returned.

He watched the barmaid with a gaze that she associated with certain feelings. Feelings she thought were only meant for her. Jealousy began to boil in her gut, jealousy she hadn’t felt in over five years. She pressed the feeling down but her eyes remained on the man. Tommy. The barmaid’s Tommy.

He must’ve known someone’s eyes were focused on him. Years in France must have allowed him to know these things. When his eyes looked over his shoulder, his expression shifted to one she didn’t know. One that she didn’t know how to name. So, she did the only thing she could think to do. Flee.

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He had been taken from her before she could say stop, before she could rationalize with him. And then, with one fatal swoop, he was gone from her life. So she did the only thing she could think to do: rest.

She lay in repose once she got back from the hospital. Her father would check on her, bring her some soup, and even attempt a conversation, but he knew his attempts were useless. She would come to him when she was ready.

She thought a summer of supposed rest and relaxation would take her mind away from the fact that her one love was heading to his death, but it did the opposite. It gave her more time to ponder, to consider the future that could have been. She imagined every part of their future together.

The wedding was meant to be perfect, and they were going to promise themselves to each other forever. The honeymoon was going to be in a small cottage in the countryside where they would eat breakfast in bed and make love under the stars. Tommy would work in his company, moving more toward the legitimate, and Y/N would teach at the school down the road. Their home would be filled with little Shelby children who would have her husband's blue eyes and her warm heart.

This was a life that could be looked upon with pride. It was not one of excess or luxury, but it was her version of perfection. She had the love of her life, her babies, and a roof over her head. It was a version of happily ever after. But now, it was over. If only she hadn't been at the lake that day, if only Tommy had been there, if only she could've talked him down, maybe they would be getting this life.

She felt like she needed someone to blame, and her immediate thought was herself. What kind of woman goes alone to a deserted location, she would wonder. She would say it was all on her, but deep down, she knew that was not true. Tommy didn't have to kill that man, but he did. And now, everything was dead. These thoughts would make her stomach squeeze itself, as if punishing her for blaming her fiance for his evil action.

She would pull her blankets up to her nose and push that thought to the depths of her mind because it meant one thing that seemed to be certain: Tommy may no longer be in her life. France was dangerous, and his life may end before it has truly even begun. That made the squeeze of her stomach turn into a pit. She knew that was the worst possibility.

These thoughts swirled in her mind until August was almost coming to a close. The sun was setting earlier, and the air was beginning to cool as fall began to wade into the town of Small Heath. Y/N spent these days trying to distract herself with literature from the likes of Jane Austen and Mary Shelley. That was what she was doing when she heard a knock at her door.

She pretended not to notice her father pop his head into the room, saying, "You have a visitor." But that made her perk up.

"Who?" She asked. Her question was quickly answered by the presence of Polly Gray. She felt like a child compared to her. Polly was truly an elegant woman, even in the peril that was Small Heath.

"It's been a while, Y/N," Polly greeted as Y/N's father shut the bedroom door. Y/N sat up and straightened her back, trying to seem as graceful as she could sprawled across her twin bed.

"It has," she responded, staring at the older woman. The seconds of silence were deafening. Y/N scooted over on the small bed, giving room for Polly to take a seat. She obliged, sitting beside the younger woman. Y/N stared at her toes as Polly stared straight ahead, both of them searching for words to say. Polly broke the silence first.

"You're probably wondering why I'm here," she said, abstaining from looking at Y/N.

"You could say that," Y/N murmured under her breath.

With a sigh, Polly continued, "Tommy leaves at the end of this week," Y/N's eyes left her feet and went to the older woman's face, "He's shipping off to France with his brothers."

There were so many things to say to this, but all Y/N could say was, "Oh," as her mind raced. He's leaving. He's leaving her. He's going into a warzone. He can only kill more men there. But he's leaving her.

"I know the last month has been," Polly thought of her words, attempting to find a way to continue, "trying. But, I know you would regret it if you didn't say a proper goodbye. Both of you would." Y/N nodded her head.

"I know, I know I should," Y/N said, moving her gaze back to her toes, "but… I don't think I know him anymore." She didn't want to look at Polly for the next part, "He killed someone, Pol."

"I know, dear." Y/N felt a hand on her back as it began to rub circles.

"I don't know how we come back from that." The words came out before Y/N could stop them. She knew she meant them as much as she loved Tommy. He would never again be that sweet boy asking her to play ball with him. That boy was long gone.

"You don't," Polly began, "but that's okay. It's a new chapter of your life, and you read along." Y/N didn't know what to say as she finally looked at Polly.

"What if I don't like what comes next?" Y/N pondered as Polly looked at the younger girl.

"How will you know what comes if you don't try?" At that, Polly rose and began to make her way to the bedroom door. Before exiting, she pulled a slip of paper out of her coat pocket and laid it on Y/N's desk.

"Here is the address and time the boys are off," Polly said, "It's up to you what to do, but I know you don't want Tommy's last memory of you to be laying in a hospital bed." She then closed the bedroom door and was gone. Y/N waited until she heard the front door shut before falling back on her bed. She traced the cracks in the ceiling with her eyes, knowing exactly what she had to do.

That Friday, she wandered to the docks. It wasn't far from her home; nothing in Small Heath was that far, to be frank. The first thing she noticed was the sniffles and tears. They came from not only the women bidding farewell to their loves but also from the soldiers too.

She watched from afar at first, watching these bitter goodbyes. She knew for many, this may be the final goodbye. She took a breath, held it in her chest, and let it out before she wandered into the crowds. Her eyes wandered, looking for a set of blue eyes.

She was surprised when she first noticed Arthur. He looked handsome in his uniform, done up in a way she had rarely seen him before. Then she noticed John, holding his wife close to him as small children grabbed at his legs. It wasn't until the final man there turned around, and she saw him, Tommy. Her Tommy. His hat rested on his head, replacing the cap that usually was there. His uniform fit him nicely, hugging his slim body.

She saw him before he saw her, but she could see his eyes wandering the crowd. He was looking for someone. He was looking for her. When he saw her, his eyes brightened. That was all she needed to see to go to her love. She felt her feet pick up and rush her across the dock. The distance quickly shortened until she flung herself into his arms. She wrapped them around his neck, squeezing him tight against her chest. His arms were resting around her waist, holding her in place against him. She placed her head on his chest as he rested his chin on top of her.

"You came," the words were a whisper, but she could hear the hint of joy there.

"Of course I did," she replied, looking up at Tommy, "I had to say goodbye." She felt his hand run through her tresses as he pulled her back to his chest.

"Thank you." The words struggled to come out of his throat as he held her tight. His arms felt stronger than before. Not exactly larger than before but more toned. She knew why and it made her shudder at the thought of what training must have been like.

"I'm sorry I didn't visit you," she murmured, knowing it was a little too late to apologize.

"I know." His words were curt; he didn't want to discuss this part of their goodbye.

"I was scared, Tommy." She felt his hands rest on her cheeks and position her face to look up at him.

"I know, Y/N. Please don't apologize for anything; you have nothing to apologize for." She knew he meant it.

"I don't know if I can forgive you for what you did to that man," his eyes shifted away from hers, "but I can learn to." Tommy didn't look back at her, and she continued, "I will wait for you, Thomas. I can't live my life without you." That was when his hands fell from her face to his sides. She let her eyes wander, and she noticed Arthur and John watching the two of them, caution in their eyes. Her gaze returned to Tommy, who finally looked back into her eyes. She didn't know what to expect. Maybe a declaration of everlasting love or a promise to wed as soon as he returned. But she didn't expect this:

"Please don't wait for a dead man," his words hit her like a brick wall. "Y/N, I'm tunneling underground. That's a death sentence."

"But, Tommy—"

"I don't think you understand, Y/N," his voice rose, "I'm not coming back." A beat passed before she raised her hands to his cheeks.

"But you will, Tommy, and I will be waiting, and we can—"

"I'm a dead man—"

"No, you're not. Stop saying that!" She yelled, matching his pitch.

"It's fucking true!" He screamed back. The silence after the storm was deafening as the lovers stared each other down. Tommy broke the gaze first, looking down at his new military boots. A tear fell down Y/N's cheek as she let her eyes rise to the sky, trying to keep the tears inside.

"Please don't say that." The words were a whisper now. She felt a pair of hands slide into hers. She looked down to see her hands in Tommy's.

"Y/N, I'm not coming back, and I think that's the best thing for you." She couldn't respond, so he continued, "You can marry a nice man, one who has no criminal record. You can have that quiet life that you deserve."

"Tommy, I don't want any life without you," she whispered; he rested his forehead against hers.

"I know, but you will learn to live. I know you will." She couldn't respond but instead held him close to her. She knew this would be the last time.

"You're breaking my heart, Tommy." He pulled her into his chest as the tears spilled over onto her cheeks. He doesn't say anything as they embrace one another, knowing it was the end. The end of something amazing. He didn't say anything when the bell rang, signaling the soldiers to say their final goodbyes. All he did was kiss her cheek before heading in the direction of the crowd. He didn't say anything when she crumbled to the ground, letting her emotions take her over as he sailed off.

She wasn't sure if this was the last time she would see Tommy Shelby. She wasn't ready to accept that. She didn't accept it until 1919, when she did see his face again.

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His bare chest rose and fell as his head rested on their shared pillow. He looked peaceful. She knew those moments were becoming more far and few between for Tommy. She knew she should let him sleep in, let the sun wake him when it was his time, but she wanted him to herself. She wanted their morning together to last as long as possible. She let her body cascade over his front, her forehead resting against his. A low hum escaped from somewhere in the back of his throat as his arm lazily fell over her waist, pulling her closer. 

“Good morning, love,” he grumbled, sleep still in his voice.

“Good morning,” she replied, her leg wrapping around his abdomen. There was a strain in her thigh as her leg settled on Tommy. She twitched slightly at the pinched nerve. She heard Tommy chuckle to himself.

“Not the most comfortable sleep,” he said, opening his eyes to gaze at her. She lets out a sigh and smiles to herself.

“As long as you’re beside me, I could happily sleep on a rock,” His grip on her waist tightened at her words.

“I promise,” he began to whisper, “Once you’re my wife, we will sleep in the most luxurious bed in Birmingham. You’ll never have to worry about a sore back again.” His words melted her heart and soul. She couldn’t help but place her hand on his cheek, letting the stubble tickle the pads of her fingers. His hand reached up to hers, cradling it. Y/N didn’t think this moment could make her feel anymore at peace until his lips graced hers. Even after hours of sleep, his lips were still soft and inviting against hers. She hummed into the kiss, letting a smile rise to her lips.

“This must be what heaven feels like,” she whispered into the kiss. She leaned in for more, but Tommy pulled away slightly.

“Heaven would be this, but I’m inside of you,” her cheeks flushed at his words. Even after all these months together, he still makes her feel flustered. 

“You’re a real cheeky bastard, Thomas Shelby,” she purred. His grin was full of sparkles as he pulled her into him, a rush of electricity pulsing through their lips throughout their bodies. She was ready to give herself to him and maybe again, but instead he rolled out of the bed.

“Let me get my beautiful fiancé a cup of tea,” he said, pulling on a loose pair of pants. She rolled onto her side to face him, pulling the sheet above her breast like a strapless dress.

“Fiancé,” she breathed. The word felt like sugar on her tongue. “I’ll never get sick of that.” Tommy approaches the side of his bed, leaning down to Y/N.

“Neither will I,” he planted a kiss on her cheek before heading out the bedroom door. After the door shut, Y/N sat up in bed, finally able to stretch out slightly. She let the bed sheet fall to her hips as a yawn escaped her lips. Her arm rested lazily on top of her head as she leaned over to Tommy’s bedside table, turning the radio on. She turned the dial before the static turned into a man’s voice. She expected the usual reports: something was stolen, the weather is gray, and the politicians are corrupt. She was almost correct today. Almost.

“Following last month’s assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Austria-Hungary has officially declared war on Serbia.” She was awake now. 

“More news is to come, but reports have come out declaring that Germany has sided with Austria-Hungary. Now we wait to see how England moves forward.” Her mind phased over as the report turned into white noise in her mind. War. The continent was going to war. Over what? Some archduke she had never heard of? Fucking preposterous. That was when she felt Tommy enter the room. His hands bore two piping hot cups of tea, and his face a warm smile. Once his eyes fell upon her, the smile faded.

“What’s wrong?” he inquired. Y/N knew she couldn’t hide her worry from him. That was when the report began to play again. Tommy’s attention moved quickly, putting the cups on his side table before turning the volume up on the radio. His focus was entirely on the small device dictating their future to them. A deep sigh escapes him before he turns to Y/N.

“Austria-Hungary, Serbia and Germany are far from here. They will fight it out, and it will all be done in a few days,” he sar down beside her, his hand going to her back to lovingly rub it, coaxing the anxious look off her face, “Do not worry about that. There are bigger things to worry about.” She looked over at Tommy, her eyebrows furrowed.

“What could be bigger than war?” That was when a smirk dusted his lips.

“Choosing a venue for our wedding.” She couldn’t help the snort that escaped as a smile finally came back to her face. 

“Oh shit, I completely forgot about that,” She leapt off the bed, throwing her clothes on herself. “We’re touring that church today in,” Her eyes shoot over to the clock to reveal the less than early time of 10:00 AM, “45 minutes! We’re going to be late.” She began jumping into her stockings as Tommy rose from the bed, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“Y/N,” she paused her actions, looking up at Tommy, “I think it’ll be ok.” A puzzled expression rose on her face.

“But we’re going to be late, Tom.” She motioned at the clock on the wall.

“I don’t think so, love,” His hands went to her cheeks as he moved her gaze to meet his, “Fuck some old, drafty church. Let’s get married somewhere that matters to us.” 

She raised an eyebrow, “Where would that be?”

“Our lake.” As soon as he said those words, she knew he was right. It was the place where they spent every summer. It was the place she denied she loved him, even though deep down knew she always had. It was the place he almost told her so many times that she was the one. She let out a light sight before putting her hands on his.

“I can’t think of a more perfect place to begin the rest of my life with you.” Tommy leaned down, kissing her forehead. 

“Let’s drink some tea, take it easy and head to the lake this afternoon, ok?” She nodded as his lips left her forehead. He picked up the cup of tea and handed it to his fiance, giving her a smile as he did so. It would all be ok, she thought as she brought her cup to her lips, taking a sip. The liquid burned the top of her mouth, but the presence of her lover made the pain miniscule. They would see their wedding venue today, and everything would be good. Better than good, perfect. It wasn’t long into their tea when Y/N heard a yell up the stairs.

“Oy, Tommy, we have an emergency!” Y/N could recognize Arthur’s voice anywhere. “The Shaws on the east side want to speak with you now.” Tommy let out a sigh and kissed Y/N’s cheek. 

“It will be quick, I promise,” he whispered into her ear. She let her head fall into the crook of his shoulder.

“Don’t worry, darling. I can meet you there.” She felt his hand run through her tresses, calming her. 

“It shouldn’t take too long, no more than an hour.” She nodded as Tommy rose and went out the bedroom door, but not before shooting her a small smile. Her heart would never stop fluttering at that look. 

She was over at their lake within thirty minutes, no time at all. The first sight that caught her eye was the way the midday sun hit the water. It looked like a path leading to the heavens. She could imagine herself standing in front of it with her Tommy, professing their love for their family and promising themselves to each other forever. She tied her horse to a tree and walked over to where that spot would be. Y/N stood in the place she imagined she would be making her vows to Tommy. She held her hands out, imagining Tommy’s larger ones holding hers, probably giving them a squeeze when a happy tear fell down her cheek. She imagined them running back down the aisle and into the family car to be taken off who knows where.

She could also imagine taking their kids here and showing them where their parents promised forever to one another. Y/N let herself sit on the soft grass, letting the thoughts of family warm her. She couldn’t wait for the day Tommy held their first child and showed them all the love he could. Y/N knew whatever happened, Tommy would love that child with all his heart and soul. She let out a soft sigh as she let her thoughts pass through her. It wasn’t until the sun began to fall in the sky that she noticed Tommy was late. She took a peek at her watch and noticed hours had passed.

“The meeting must’ve run very long,” she thought, standing from the grass. That was when she heard a rustle. It was a small noise, almost like the sound of a shoe breaking a stick. But it was recognizable. Her head whipped to where the noise came from, but no one was there. Her shoulders unstiffened as she began to make her way back to her horse. That was when she hears another sound followed by the unmistakable timbre of a male voice. Her pace quicked to a jog as she went to her horse. That was when she noticed two men emerge from the woods. They were men she had never seen before. One was tall with a menacing look in his eye while the other was smaller and trailing behind his leader.

Y/N broke into a sprint, but the two men were quicker. She felt the smaller one grab her, holding her around her waist and pulling her arms around her back. She tried to let out a scream, but a rag was shoved in her mouth. That was when she heard a chuckle from the taller man.

“Well, well, we heard Tommy’s bird was beautiful, but that was truly an understatement.” She felt his hand trace along her jaw. He smelled like sweat. “I wonder what a sweet young girl like you is doing with a man like that.” His words were coated in a sickly sugary tone that made her spine shiver. She wanted to pull back, but that would mean leaning into the other man.

“She must be the priciest whore in Birmingham,” said the smaller one, pulling her arms even tighter behind her. A small squeak escaped her lips as the pain twinged in her shoulders. 

“Maybe we should see if she’s worth her price.” His mouth was close to hers. His breath reeked of old fish. Y/N couldn’t help but flinch away. That was when she felt a fist make contact with her cheek.

“Don’t fucking move away from me, whore.” His words were venom. The tears were falling down her face. She knew there was nothing she could do to stop them. She could feel whimpers of fear escaping her mouth. She couldn’t stop them. 

“What was that, love?” His voice was all condescension as he pulled the rag down from her mouth. 

“W-why are you doing this?” She stuttered. This elicited a laugh from the taller man.

“Well, your Tommy has some debts that he owes the Shaws that he simply chooses not to pay back. And we do not work for free. It seems that we have to take our own payment.” Her eyes widened, and that was when her mind went blank. She would never remember whatever happened to her in that next hour. She didn’t want to remember. It wasn’t until she woke up in a hospital bed did she realize her nightmare was over. 

Her eyes moved around the room, taking in her environment. That was when she saw him, Tommy. Her Tommy. The light of her life was dim, sitting on the edge of her bed. She shifted slightly, trying to readjust, but pain shot through her body. She let out a small whine as Tommy’s eyes shot to her.

“Nurse! She’s awake.” He screamed before coming to her side. His hands fell on both cheeks, “I thought I lost you.” The words came out as a hoarse whisper before he pulled her in. He tried his best to be gentle, but she couldn’t help the slight groan that escaped her lips as he brushed against her cuts and bruises. 

“What happened?” She asked, knowing she didn’t want to know the answer. He pulled away, running a hand through her hair, tucking it behind her ear.

He let out a sigh, “The business with Shaw’s gang? That was all a ruse. The whole point was to get revenge on me for a business deal gone bad.” That was when his eyes wandered away from hers, looking at the space beyond her shoulders. “They knew what mattered the most to me and decided that was the way to get payback. We didn’t realize what was happening until it was almost too late.” His words stopped, and he paused before continuing, “I got there when he had a gun in his hand, pointed right at you. I killed him, Y/N. I killed both of them. They’re dead. They can’t hurt you again.” That was when the tears began spilling from her eyes again. They wouldn’t stop. She buried her head in Tommy’s shoulder, letting her tears soak his jacket. Tommy’s arm moved around her waist, pulling her in.

“There is one more thing, too,” She looked up at Tommy, wiping her hand across her eyes.

“What, Tommy?” He let out a deep breath before running a hand through his hair.

“You were pregnant, but,” His words were caught in his throat but became free, “the baby’s gone.” Her limbs went cold at that, numb to everything.

“Y-you mean… we were going to have a baby?” The words came out as a whisper. Tommy nodded. There was silence between the two of them before Y/N crawled into his lap. She didn’t want to be anywhere else but sobbing in his arms. Right now, it was what she needed. He knew that too, letting a hand run down her back trying anyway to soothe his love. The tears ran for hours before she tired herself out. She didn’t realize she was dozing until the world began to darken, and Y/N swore she heard words she knew had to be from a dream.

“If it weren’t for me, you would be safe.” It had to be a dream. Tommy would never say that. She thought this before the world went dark. 

When she woke, she was alone. And she was alone for many days after that. It wasn’t until Polly came that she knew Tommy meant the words he said. 

She came bearing a comforting smile and a bouquet. Y/N’s body was finally beginning to heal, but her mind was still shattered. 

“Polly, where’s Tommy?” Y/N didn’t even attempt the pleasantries. This woman had seen her grow up. There was no need. 

Polly sat herself in the chair beside Y/N’s bed, staring at her toes as she tried to find the proper words. When she did, she looked up at Y/N, ready to break her world in half.

“Shaw’s body was found in The Cut. The police knew it was Tommy, and they told him he had a choice: prison or join the war effort-”

“War effort? Since when has there been a war effort?” Polly let out a sigh. 

“A lot has happened since you’ve been here, love.” Y/N ran a hand through her hair.

“What did he choose, Pol?” But she already knew the answer. 

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"I don't know," she turned towards Tommy, letting the gun hang limply in her hand. "I just feel like there has to be another step to shooting that I'm just not getting. This seems too easy," Tommy smirked at Y/N.

"It's truly simple, I'll show you." He gladly took her hips and angled them towards the old can that had become a target. It didn't take long for a blush to rise to her cheeks as his arms reached around her, his hands adjusting her grip on the firearm. She couldn't help her eyes from looking back at her lover and admiring his focus on her hands. It was his idea to teach her how to shoot. After the Peaky Blinders had begun to become more involved in affairs around town, Tommy believed that it would be best for Y/N to have some sort of protection when he wasn't there. She laughed at him, wondering who would come after someone like her, but deep down she knew. Going after the leader's girl was a death sentence but also a statement. One that she didn't want to finish.

She felt Tommy give a final adjustment to her fingers before feeling his hands go back to her hips. His lips went up to her ear, whispering, "And now you shoot." The reality of the danger she could enact suddenly became tangible. She could snuff out someone's life with this device and that was something she felt she was incapable of. That was when she began to shake.

"Are you sure?" she whispered, feeling her grip become looser and looser.

"Of course, I am, my love," His lips didn't leave her ear as he coaxed her out of her mind. "You don't need to shoot to kill, just to warn. Learning to shoot straight at your target will allow you to shoot straight at a target behind your enemy. I promise, as long as you are by my side, you will never shoot to kill." She couldn't help but look back at Tommy. His face was so close to hers, she wanted to drop the gun to the ground and jump into his arms.

"You promise?" she questioned, although she knew she could always trust her Tommy.

"I promise." At that, she faced forward, readjusted, and shot. The sound was closer to her head than she expected. It jostled her, but Tommy was there to stabilize her. He always was. When she got a good look at the can, she saw it fully intact.

She let out a disappointed sigh, "Well, damn," she said, seeing she not only missed but she missed the target by many meters.

"Hey, don't worry," she turned back to Tommy and both his hands went to her cheeks, "this is what practice is for." Her eyes could not leave Tommy's as his words filled her chest, making it swell.

"I know, I just wanted to be as good as you." This got a chuckle out of Tommy.

"Once you have been shooting for 10 years, let's compare."

"We can shake on that, Mr. Shelby." But she didn't put her hand out and instead leaned in, letting Tommy's lips grace hers. Even after all these months, it still surprised her how soft his lips felt. They fit perfectly to hers, making her think of nothing until he had pulled away. But he hadn't yet and all her mind could do was fixate on the way he made her feel. She felt the gun slip out of her fingers and fall to the ground beside her. With her hands now free, she let them lace behind Tommy's neck, pulling her chest to his. His hands left her cheeks and began to trace down her sides and grab onto the small of her back. She didn't care where they were right now, all she knew was that she wanted him.

She felt his lips lightly pull from hers as a hoarse whisper escaped Tommy's mouth, "There's an abandoned barn around the corner if you-"

"No," she interrupted as her fingers began to slip his jacket off, "I want you now." Tommy didn't question her. How could he when he understood her completely? As articles of clothing fell off the pair, they soon found themselves wrapped in each other's arms on the grass. When he was inside her, the world stopped. She knew it was impossible but if someone told her this reality was a lie and it truly was just the two of them in each other's arms, she would laugh in understanding.

He let out a long sigh as they lay tangled in limbs. Her head rested on his chest as she traced the freckles on Tommy's chest.

"So much for shooting practice," she said. She looked up at Tommy to see him reaching for his discarded jacket. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

"I do think this was time well spent," he said, putting a cigarette between his lips and lighting it. She watched as the smoke created shapes in the air. He gestured the cigarette toward Y/N and she gladly accepted by taking a deep inhale.

"I still have to learn to shoot," she responded, smoke escaping her lips. Y/N gave Tommy back the cigarette, and he took another drag before noticing his watch.

"Shit," he muttered, sitting up rapidly.

"What's wrong?" Y/N asked, sitting up too.

"Meeting," he muttered under his breath as he began to grab for his clothes. She followed his lead, beginning to throw back on her garments. Before she knew it, they were on horseback heading towards Small Heath.

"What's so important about this meeting?" Y/N questioned as they trotted down the road, her arms wrapped around Tommy's waist.

He let out a sigh, rubbing the bridge of his nose with one hand as the other handled the horse, "It's about the gambling business. It's beginning to get off the ground."

Y/N gave Tommy's waist a little squeeze, "Well, that's a good thing. Why the stress?"

"Because I'm late."

The couple arrived at the Shelby home 30 minutes after what would have been the beginning of the meeting. Y/N jogged behind Tommy as they rushed in. To her surprise, Polly, Arthur, and John were chain-smoking languidly at a rickety table. No discussion of business at all. Only Polly bothered to look Tommy in the eye as he grabbed a seat.

"You're late," she said as she blew a puff of smoke out of her lips.

"I had other affairs to take care of," Tommy responded, causing John to look back towards Y/N. She sunk into the corner of the kitchen, quickly averting her eyes from his.

"Affairs?" John questioned with a snort. Tommy's eyes shot to his brother's, narrowing.

"Yes, John, affairs. Is there anything else you would like to add before we commence?" John silently fumed as Tommy grabbed a cigarette from the pack on the table.

"Actually, yes," The flame finally seemed to ignite. Tommy leaned back in his chair, folding his arms.

"And what is that?" There was malice laced into his words.

"You're never bloody here, Tom. You are always out for 'affairs' or 'meetings,' but we all know what you're doing," John took a quick puff of his cigarette before continuing, "You're fucking Y/N."

"John," Arthur warned. Y/N's eyes moved over to Tommy. He was still, staring straight ahead.

"It's fucking true," John said.

"Stop fucking fighting," he spat before taking a breath, "Tom, you haven't bothered to show up, and it's causing the family business to fall. Family comes before whores." The words left Arthur's mouth faster than she could think about them. "After all these years, I thought you saw me as more than..." She couldn't say the last part. It stung too much. Arthur opens his mouth to respond but is interrupted by Polly.

"Alright, enough," she said, slamming her hand on the table to punctuate the words. Polly takes a sip of whiskey to alleviate the stress before she continues, "We all know Tom has been absent, but we are still making a profit. Not as much as we wanted, but things are moving forward."

Tommy let out a semblance of a sigh of relief, "That's something," he put his cigarette in his mouth, puffing on it, "Pol, do you have the financial statements." Polly turns to the cabinet behind her and fishes through. She pulls out a folder filled to the brim with papers. Tommy grabs it and begins to go through. His look of relief quickly turns to one of annoyance as each paper flips by.

"What the fuck are all these damn charges?" He asked, turning to his brothers. Arthur avoids his brother's gaze, but John stares him down.

"Who said all work and no play?" There is a smirk on John's face that Tommy wanted to smack off. His hand clenched his glass of whiskey instead.

"John, you spent almost one hundred pounds this month alone. What the fuck are you spending that kind of money on?" John leaned toward his brother, his face inches from Tommy's.

"You'd know if you were fucking here." That was when Y/N heard the sound of a fist on flesh. Her eyes widened as Tommy threw himself over the table, grabbing at John. John fought right back, lunging into his brother. Y/N felt her feet rush toward the boys, grabbing at Tommy, trying to pull him away from John. Polly follows suit, grabbing the bloodied John away from Tommy.

"When did you all turn into children?" Polly yelled, dropping John into his chair with a thud. The adrenaline seemed to have left his body as he fell partially limp. Y/N held Tommy to her chest as he seemed to calm slightly. "Meeting tonight." Polly said, turning toward Y/N, "Family only." Those words were the last straw for Y/N as she let go of Tommy and strode quickly out of the kitchen and out of the house.

She didn't let her feet stop until she was by The Cut, gazing out at the water. It was not the most beautiful body of water, far from it, but it calmed her. She held herself as the sun began to fade behind the trees and the air cooled. The meeting must be happening now. The one she couldn't attend because she wasn't family. She was just a whore. Y/N took a deep breath and continued to stare. It wasn't long before footsteps approached her. She looked over her shoulder, expecting to see a beggar or a prostitute, but instead saw her love, her Tommy. He stayed silent as he moved to her side. Together, they gazed out at the sun brushing the water. It was the most peace they had all day.

She couldn't help but sneak a peek at Tommy and was met with a black and blue face. She tried to suppress the look of horror on her face, but she knew Tommy noticed.

"Is it bad?" She shook her head, avoiding eye contact. He let out a snort, "It's that bad then?"

"It's not awful, not great either," she said, letting her hand reach for where the bruise rested on his cheek. He flinched slightly as her fingers brushed against it. She pulled away and shoved her hands into her pockets. It must've been a sign. Some twisted sign that her touch truly was a danger to him.

"I don't care what they say," Tommy's words cut through her overthinking, and she let herself look back at him, taking him all in. "You're my family." Tommy looked down at her as a twinkle gleamed in her eyes. It lasted for a second before it disappeared.

"That's kind of you to say, Tommy," she let her fingers wrap around his and squeeze, "but I'm always going to be an outsider. That's just the way it is."

"No," he responded. Afterwards, his words were quick. So fast she almost let them fly by her. But she caught them, "Marry me."

It wasn't a question. Far from it. It was a statement. A declaration. He was telling her that she was his and he could be hers if she would take him. She looked up at her Tommy, and he was already gazing upon her. Her hand left his and snaked behind his neck. She pulled him into a kiss, and they both knew what her answer was.

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She pulled her lips away from his, leaning her forehead against his before whispering, “So do you love me too?” 

“Of fucking course I do.” There was no humor in his voice as he pulled her back in. He meant every syllable. He loved her. 

She moaned into the kiss as his hands grabbed her bum, lifting her off the ground. She wrapped her legs around his waist as he began to walk the two of them up the stairs. Her hands held his cheeks as she peppered kisses from his lips to his neck, lightly sucking. She heard him groan as he kicked his bedroom door open. She pulled her face away from his neck to push the door shut behind the two of them. Tommy lightly dropped her on his single bed, she let out a little giggle as she was airborne. He smiled at her laugh, he never thought any sound could be so beautiful. 

Tommy pulled down his suspenders and began to unbutton his shirt. She had seen Tommy do this action many times like when they would go swimming or it was a warm day and he needed to cool down, but today it felt so different. There was an intensity behind his actions that made her want to rip the shirt right off of him. Her gaze could not leave his as he finally undid the last button, flinging the shirt onto the wood floor. He crawled on top of her and her hands flew into his hair, pulling him in for another kiss. Her legs followed suit, wrapping around his waist, pulling his center to hers. She felt a blush rise to her cheeks as she felt a hardness against her crotch. He wanted her so bad and she wanted to be his. 

His lips left hers, leaving chaste kisses along her jawline and to her ear as he whispered, “You don’t know how long I have wanted this.” His words were like honey and she bucked against his hips, causing a moan to escape his lips. 

“I need you, Tommy,” she whispered back. Her hands left the back of his head and went to the hem of her dress. Tommy helped her pull it over her head. He couldn’t help but gaze at his lover’s body, taking in every centimeter that lay before him. 

She sat up and settled herself on his lap. Her arms went around his neck as his hands traveled all around her back, finally finding the tie that held her brassiere together. He fumbled with it, swearing under his breath. He finally undid it and let the brassiere slide to the floor. He couldn’t help himself from taking one of her breasts into his mouth, lightly nibbling on her nipple. 

She let out a moan, as his eyes gazed up into hers. His other hand went to her other breast, massaging it lightly, tugging at her nipple. She ground her hips into his crotch, causing him to moan against her breast. He pulled away pushing her back against the bed. He began to undo  his trousers, yanking them down and discarding them. Her eyes widened at how his cock was straining against his underwear. 

She slid off of him and her hands went to the waist band, yanking them down. She let her lips go back to his neck and they trailed kisses down his chest to his belly and finally on the tip of his cock. She gave it a light kiss before slowly taking it in her mouth. She felt him shudder as her lips went down his shaft. As she got to the base she bobbed her head up before repeating this action. His hand went to the back of her head as he took a clump of hair in it. She let her tongue trace along him as her head moved up and down, eliciting a moan from Tommy. 

“Wait,” he interjected, pulling her off of him. 

“Did you not like that?” She questioned, confused at why he had her stop.

He chuckled before responding, “Oh I loved it,” His hand trailed from her cheek to the back of her neck, “I just need you now.” He laid her down under him as he gave her a kiss, one that was different from the ones from earlier. This one was less hungry and more passionate, like every motion of his lips were saying something to hers. His other hand went down to her panties, cupping her pussy in his palm. He let his fingers trace up the wet crotch of her panties before pulling them down. She kicked them to the floor. 

He pulled away from her lips and took his cock in his hand. He gave it a few strokes before lining it up with her entrance. She wanted him inside of her so badly, more than anything else. She bucked her hips up towards him, eliciting a chuckle from him.

“Someone’s impatient,” he mused, circling the head of his dick around her wetness. All she could do was whine as he played with her. He dipped the tip in before quickly taking it out, giving her a cheeky grin. He repeated this action, keeping it in for slightly longer before taking it out again. She couldn’t take it much longer.

“Tommy, please,” she begged. He cocked an eyebrow before bringing his lips up to her ear.

“Please what?” he questioned.

“Please fuck me,” That was all he needed to hear. She let out a moan as she felt him slide all the way in. She bucked her hips up, letting him fill her up. He grunted as his balls hit her pussy. Their eyes locked as he pulled her lips to his. He held his hips against hers before pulling back and slamming in again. He rocked himself in and out of her, loving the hungry look in her eyes. She couldn’t look away from his pale blue eyes as they darkened. She knew at that moment that he was hers and she was his. Nothing could ever change that. Each thrust confirmed that as she held him close. Her legs wrapped around him, pulling him even closer. Her hands rested on his bum, giving it a squeeze. He groaned as her head fell back onto the pillow. She couldn’t help but close her eyes as her undoing began to rise in her.

“Tommy,” She moaned, grinding against his thrusts. “I’m going to cum.” She could feel the pulsating begin to strengthen as the waves of pleasure began to roll over her. She let out a moan before clenching around his cock. 

That seemed to do it for him as she felt him twitch inside of her. His thrusts became sloppier until they slowed to a stop. They stayed still, just breathing each other in. Tommy ended this by putting his hand on her cheek and pulled her into a sweet kiss. One that confirmed everything she already knew.

“I love you,” he said.

“I love you too,” she said. He gave her a smile before pulling out of her. She could feel his seed trickle out of her and down her thigh. They laid in that tiny bed for hours, their bodies laced together. They never wanted to leave. It wasn’t until 6 AM when Tommy turned to Y/N and said those words did she know that they were never leaving each other.

“I’m going to marry you one day.” The words sounded magical coming off of his lips.

“I’d love to see you try,” she responded. She could feel his lips form a smile against her hair as he gave the top of her head a kiss. 

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"Have a fun night?" She jumped, whipping her head to where the voice came from. Her father lowered his book from his eyes, giving her a knowing glance as a small candle illuminated his face. In her tipsy state, her tunnel vision didn’t seem to register her father’s favorite reading chair.

"Yep," she said curtly. "Wonderful." She shut the door behind her and let her feet speed toward her bedroom.

"You're back late." It wasn’t a question, more of a statement. She stopped her stride, looking back toward her father.

"Dinner ran long," she said, trying not to let him interpret the late arrival as anything else. Her father let out a humph, he knew she was lying.

"Very long it seems," he said, putting his book on the side table. "I’ll make you tea." At that, she knew she wouldn't be able to escape whatever conversation was coming. She followed him to the kitchen. She watched as he placed the kettle on the stove top and lit it. Her father sat down at the kitchen table, motioning for her to join him. They sat together, waiting for the water to boil. She could feel his eyes on her as she pretended that she was alone in that kitchen, but that seemed impossible.

“I saw Tommy tonight,” She turned to look at her father. She could see him nod slowly, moving his gaze back to the stove.

“I’m sure James didn’t love that.” She let out a sarcastic snort.

“No he did not,” Her eyes went down to her hands as she began to fiddle with them, “I don’t think I will be seeing him anymore.”

Her father shrugs, “If that’s what you want.” 

“Mother won’t be happy,” she mumbled, keeping her eyes on her fingers.

“So what,” Her father said. She regarded him as he looked at his daughter, giving her a smile. She returns his smile. The water began to boil and her father rose from his seat, grabbing two mugs and tea bags, and began pouring the hot water into the cups. “How’s Tommy?” he asked. She knew it was a question that was burning through the room, one that caused nerves to burn in her stomach. 

“He’s,” she hesitated, thinking of how to word it. She let her mind wander as the night flickered before her eyes, “amazing. It truly was a wonderful night.” Father looked toward her, a soft smile on his wrinkled face. He brought the mugs to the table, sitting down beside Y/N.

“I’m glad you two have made up,” he said, taking a sip. 

“Me too,” she said. Her father could see the sparkle in her eye as she continued to look off. He couldn’t help but notice the way his daughter seemed to be a light in the darkness of the kitchen. Her attention went back to her father as he raised his eyebrows at her. 

“I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me.” She felt a blush rise to her cheeks.

“Well,” she blew on the piping hot drink, “it was amazing until it wasn’t.” She waited for her father to question her but all he did was maintain his cynically raised eyebrows at his daughter. 

“I kissed him and then…” Her words seemed to get lost in her throat, almost as if they knew if they were said aloud, they might be true. But they had to be said, “he left.” She placed the drink down and let her hands lace through her hair. Now is when the shame began to set in. “I feel like such an idiot. He’s my best friend and now… I don’t know.” She heard a similar clink as her father set his teacup down on the table. Then a surprising sound echoed through the room, a chuckle. She tilted her head toward her father as a smile tickled his lips.

“I can say, I’m surprised it took this long.” Now was her turn to raise an eyebrow at her father.

“Why do you say that?”

She hears a snort, “You kids have been inseparable for years, something was bound to happen.”

“Inseparable doesn’t mean anything,” she said, “Besides, I don’t know what any of this means. Let's just call it a moment of weakness that we can forget about.” She waved her hand at her father before picking up her tea again and giving it a sip. 

“To be frank, I don’t believe Tommy will be forgetting about this,” he said, a small smile on his face.

“Why do you say that?” she asked.

“Y/N, did I ever tell you about the night of your first date with George Milton?” She tilted her head at her father in confusion.

“No, besides, what do you know about that night? You were home the whole time.”

“I was,” he said, “so I got to see some things that may surprise you.” She stared at her father as he picked back up his teacup. “While you were getting ready that day, I was in the yard taking care of the peonies. You know how they get during the spring, they grow all over the yard. Speaking of that, remind me to ask your mother how she would-”

“Father,” she interjected.

“Right, sorry,” he said, snickering to himself, “I was so caught up in the gardening I hardly noticed Tommy standing on the steps to the house. You know how that boy can get, so serious about nothing at all. He was muttering something to himself and staring at his shoes. I put my tools down and, since there was nothing better to do, I decided to see what the boy was saying. It was quite sweet to say the least but not unexpected.” 

He took another sip of his tea as Y/N leaned closer to her father, trying to take all his words in. “All I caught was, ‘Since we were young I have wanted you to be mine’ before the door swung open. You and George were about to leave to wherever you were off to. I think Tommy knew that too and instead of saying anything, he just said he was there to see if you wanted to go horseback riding.” 

Father placed the cup back on the table, staring at Y/N. “Watching that boy watch you walk away broke my heart. He sat on the steps for a few minutes before heading back to his house. From that day on, I knew.” 

“Knew what?” She whispered.

“That boy has been in love with you since he met you.” That was when she felt the ceramic of her mug slip out of her hands and shatter on the floor. “Shit!” she mumbled to herself as she ran over to fetch the broom and dustpan. She got on her hands and knees, cleaning the shards off the floor. She cleaned in silence as everything sunk in. As soon as they did, she sat up letting the dust pan clatter on the floor.

“Tommy’s in love with me,” she said. Her father nodded at her. 

“He has always been.” Her mind wandered off to the nights beneath the stars, the horseback rides through the countryside and the cool summers by the lake. It all made sense. The touches, the glances, the smiles. He loved her. He loved her so much. 

She stood up and turned to her father, “I have to go.” Before she could get a response, she was running out of the kitchen, out the door and down the street. She let her legs take her to the Shelby residence. Her fist began to pound on the door, not caring that it was 2:00 AM. It was only a few knocks before a familiar face answered the door. A face she would never tire of seeing. His blue eyes looked exhausted and surprised.

“Y/N”, he said, “what are you doing here?” His words slurred as the smell of alcohol permeated off his skin. 

“Tommy, are you in love with me?” The words spilled out of her mouth before she could stop them. 

This seemed to wake him up. His eyes widened and his mouth opened as if he was about to say something, but she stopped him before she could. She wasn’t sure if the next part could come out if he interjected.

“Because, I’ve been in love with you since I met you.” There was a beat before he pulled her to him.

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“Let me out here,” she said, not bothering to glance at her date. She felt the car slow to a stop and she hopped out. It was then that she spared a glance at James. There was a pitiful air to him, one that told her this was the last time she would see him.

“Get home safe.” Was all he said, before pulling her door shut and driving off. She watched the automobile disappear into the darkness. She would get home how she got home at this point, all she knew at this moment was she needed a glass of whiskey in her hand. She walked through the front door of The Garrison and was surprised to see it almost empty, except for a few patrons and one familiar figure.

“Look who the hell decided to show up.” she teased, a smile musing upon her lips. Arthur turned to face her, a goofy smirk on his face.

“If it ain’t Y/N,” he got up from his spot at the bar, approaching the younger woman and enveloping her in a hug. “How are you, love?”

“I’m alright,” Was all she was willing to disclose to him. He didn’t dig deeper as he ushered her toward the bar. 

“And what will the lady be drinking tonight,” he asked, motioning for the bartender to approach.

“The strongest whiskey you have,” she replied, eliciting an eyebrow raise from the bartender. He could sense her present level of intoxication, but he didn’t question it. He poured her a glass, nodded toward Arthur, and began to clean the bar. She took a large swig, letting the amber liquid slide down her throat. It burned going down but the buzz that was there afterwards made up for it. 

“I never took you for a whiskey girl,” Arthur said, taking another sip of his own.

“I guess it’s one of those nights,” she said, preparing herself to guzzle down the rest.

“So, who’s the bastard who broke your heart this time?” She smirked to herself, knowing Arthur had seen this show before. He was well acquainted with the bad luck that seemed to revolve around her love life. During her years of friendship with Tommy, Arthur would be pulled into the teenage drama that revolved around the duo. He pretended to be annoyed by all the chaos and gossip that accompanied the teens, but she could tell he enjoyed hearing about their lives.

She waved down the bartender, asking for another drink before responding, “Your fucking brother.” 

A sigh escaped Arthur’s lips, “What’d the fucker do this time?” he asked. She shook her head to herself as the bartender poured her second drink of the last few minutes.

“He told me he didn’t want to see me anymore,” She took a sip, “He said our friendship didn’t make sense. What the hell does that even mean? It doesn’t have to make sense! It’s not a bloody algebra problem! It’s such bullshit.” She could feel the steam coming out of her ears.

“What a bastard,” Arthur said wistfully, as if there were words between the spaces of that sentence that needed to be said. 

“A bastard indeed,” Was her response. She stared straight ahead as Arthur turned to face the younger woman.

“Tommy will kill me if I told you this but,” he gestured to Y/N, “I can’t see you looking that sad. It breaks me heart.” A stifled chuckle escaped her lips, bringing the cup up to her mouth to take another long sip. Everything inside her tried not to look at Arthur because she knew the second she looked into his eyes, she would break. 

“What is it?” she asked, not sure she wanted to know the answer. 

A long exhale escaped her friend as he responded, “He misses you like hell, kid.” She impulsively turned toward the man beside her.

“He sure has a shitty way of showing it,” she said, a quiver in her voice. 

“Since whatever happened that day on the lake, he hasn’t been himself,” Arthur said, taking a swig of his drink, “He’s been more solemn than he already is and that’s saying a lot. Usually, you’re the one to make him less depressed” A bitter laugh erupted from her as she tried not to roll her eyes.

“So, he didn’t say that he missed me, you just think there’s the possibility that he might miss me.” She watched the way the ice settled in her drink, wishing she could sink.

Arthur shook his head to himself, knowing that he would not convince Y/N, “I know my brother, Y/N. Something went out in him after that day. The only thing I think it could be is you.” 

“Well,” she said, putting her drink down on the bar, “if he truly missed me, wouldn’t he have said something rather than push me away?” Arthur cocked an eyebrow at Y/N as she relayed the events of that night. 

Arthur finished off his drink before responding, “Tommy is who he is, and whatever is up his ass might just need a bit more time. You know as well as I do how he can be.”

“We’ve never fought for this long, Arthur,” she gazed away from him toward the bottles of liquor behind the bar, “Even as children when he hit me with the baseball, he was at my door within minutes to apologize.” If a child can see the difference between right and wrong that quickly, she could only imagine what an adult would do in that exact situation. To her surprise, she heard a light chuckle leave Arthur’s lips.

“Did he never tell you what actually happened that day?” Arthur questioned. Y/N looked toward him, tilting her head in confusion. “I guess he didn’t. Might as well tell you.” He brushed a hand through his hair before continuing, “That day, he wasn’t going to apologize.” This made her sit up straighter.

“What?” she asked, her whole friendship with Tommy rushing before her eyes. 

Arthur smirked and nodded, “He was ready to let you go, that’s how he has always been with everyone. Then I asked him if he was really willing to let you go over a stupid baseball game. I don’t know what it was about that but something clicked and he ran after you. That night when he came back home and I asked how the apology went,” Arthur paused, looking at Y/N, “he smiled and said ‘I think I met my best friend,’” Y/N could feel her heart soften at the end of that story. She knew she felt that way that day but she didn’t know Tommy felt the same. She felt a tear come into her eye and a finger go up to her eye to wipe it away.

“Why are you telling me this story?” she questioned.

“Sometimes, Tommy needs some convincing to realize he is making a shit decision,” Arthur motioned to the bartender to top off his drink, “And I just don’t think anyone has called him on this shit yet. I’d say you will have Tommy back soon.” Arthur’s words along with the alcohol softened Y/N.

“You really think so?” It felt like a plea coming from her lips.

Arthur nodded, “He needs you as much as you need him.” Y/N was ready to hug the older man when she noticed something, the music on the phonograph slowed to a tune she could recall from anywhere. It was The Girl With The Flaxen Hair by Claude Debussy, one of her favorite songs. Arthur saw the change in her expression and smiled at her.

“Care to dance?” he asked, holding a hand out to her. She looked around the room but the bar seemed empty except for the stray patron or two. Perfect.

“I would love to,” she responded as Arthur led her to the center of The Garrison. Her left hand goes into his and her right hand falls onto his shoulder. His left hand gives hers a squeeze and his right hand falls onto her back. She couldn’t help but smile at the man before her. He was the brother she always dreamed of having, tough but loving. She closed her eyes and rested her head on his shoulder as the song went on. For the first time in a long time, she was at peace, but that was only momentary. She felt Arthur stiffen as the song came to an end. She looked up at him to see him staring at the entryway. She followed his gaze to see a man she did not expect to see tonight.

“You two look to be having a good time.” Tommy’s voice felt like a dagger, punctuated by the exhale of a cigarette in her direction. Arthur immediately detached himself from Y/N, taking a step away as well. Y/N looked over at Arthur, her eyes pleading for him to say something, anything to make this situation less terrible.

“I’ll give you two some privacy.” That was the last thing she wanted him to say. Before she could interject, Arthur had already made his way into the back of the bar. 

Tommy turned to the remaining patrons, “Out. Now.” As if his words were a spell, they followed what he said. Now, they were truly alone. He takes his jacket and hat off, placing them on a table before asking, “What are you doing here?” 

She shrugged her shoulders, “It’s a bar and I wanted a drink.” 

Tommy let out a sigh, bringing his thumb and forefinger to the bridge of his nose and rubbing it, “You know this is my bar.” 

She gave him a sarcastic smirk, “I didn’t think you would be coming here tonight, your date seemed like a pretty sure thing.” At that, Tommy approached the bar, opening up the side door to go behind it. He began to pour himself a drink.

“I can at least say I tried.” He mumbled to himself.

“Tried what?” Y/N asked. 

“To make you leave.” He puts the bottle down. “Seems I can’t get rid of you.” He throws back the drink.

“Tommy,” she said, approaching the bar, “Why do you want me to leave? Did it ever occur to you that I don’t want to go away?” Tommy didn’t meet her gaze, as he poured another drink.

“I want you to be safe, Y/N.” He put the bottle back on the counter, “You know the way that my life is going, that won’t be possible anymore.” 

The alcohol went around her shoulders like a blanket, giving her the confidence to say, “That’s so stupid, Tommy.” A real smile and laugh came out of Tommy. One that she had not seen in six months.

“Now that is not how I expected this conversation to go.” He took another drag of his cigarette, “In all the ways I thought of this talk going, I did not imagine you calling me stupid.” 

She giggled to herself, taking a seat on the barstool, “So, you knew we would speak again.” 

He leaned against the bar, his face inches from hers, “I told you, I can’t seem to get rid of you and you can’t seem to get rid of me. Maybe that’s just how life is supposed to be, you and me.” Her thoughts began to swim. She wasn’t sure if it was the booze or the fact that Tommy smelled like whiskey and soap. All she knew was that she didn’t want to move away from him. She only moved when the next song came on, one that she remembered well. The movement was a chuckle that turned into a laugh as Tommy followed suit. 

“You remember this song?” She asked, motioning toward the phonograph. 

He smirked and nodded, “How could I forget?” 

The first time that Y/N heard this song was a moment that replayed in her head from time to time. It was a hot August day. She was 16 and Tommy was 17. There was nothing to do that day but lay on the floor of Tommy’s room and listen to music. They stayed side by side for hours as track after track played. Finally, a track with provocative lyrics rose from the phonograph, causing Y/N to giggle and blush. Tommy looked over at her and smirked.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing!” she said, shaking her head as if she was trying to shake the blush off her cheeks. 

Tommy nudged her shoulder, “Come on, tell me.” 

She paused before answering, “I don’t know, the words are just so… raunchy.” The blush came back onto her lips as Tommy let out a belly laugh.

“What? Have you never had a shag?” This caused Y/N to burst out in laughter.

“I haven’t even had my first kiss, let alone slept with a man.” She expected Tommy to laugh along with her but when she looked over at him, he was already sat up, looking down at her. 

“Really?” There was a hint of disbelief in his voice.

She sat up and faced him, “Really,” Y/N said. She shrugged to herself, continuing, “I just don’t think anyone wants me in that way.” There was a long pause as Y/N expected Tommy to say something sarcastic but all he did was stare. Y/N matched his gaze. 

He then took his best friend's hand, “Don’t say that,” and continued to stare. He took a deep breath before saying, “If you’d like, I can kiss you.” Y/N didn’t know how to respond, all she could do was gaze into her best friend’s eyes. Neither teen knew what to do except let their faces grow closer together. His breath graced her lips, so close. Then the song changed, and so did her mind. 

“No, Tommy,” She backed away. “Not like this.” He backed away.

“I understand.” He said with a nod.

“I want it to be with someone I love who loves me back.” 

Y/N felt her mind come back to 1913 as she giggled to herself,  “Fuck that is what you said!” Tommy said as he took a large sip from his drink. 

She shrugged, “I was harsh, it might be why I didn’t have my first kiss for another year.” 

“I remember that,” Tommy said, sitting beside her at the bar, “George Milton, right?” 

She nodded, “By the bridge. He bit my lip and it bled.” Tommy let out a snicker. A comfortable silence fell over the two old friends. Tommy was the first to break it.

“So, why did you say no.” She looked up into his blue eyes to see a sense of curiosity there.

“I told you, my sixteen year old self wanted it to be with someone she loved,” Y/N took a sip of her whiskey before continuing, “She wanted magic and delusion. Still haven’t found that yet.” James crossed her mind for a fleeting second and left as quickly as he came. Tommy’s gaze did not leave hers, watching how the words stayed in her mind. Then the song changed again. The tune was a waltz, one that made a smile come onto Y/N's face. 

Tommy held out his hand, “Arthur can’t be the only one dancing with you tonight.” Y/N gave Tommy her hand as he led her out to where she and Arthur danced earlier. Their hands found their homes on each other's bodies easily as the couple began to sway to the tune. Y/N looked up into Tommy’s blue eyes and he gazed down into hers. His hand relaxed on the small of her back, sliding down and pulling her closer. She laid her head on his chest feeling his heartbeat against her cheek. She moved her arm behind him, holding him tight. The pair swayed as Tommy laid his head on top of hers. 

“Y/N?” She moved her head off his chest to look up at him, “You’re not delusional. You just want what you deserve.” That was when she felt her lips begin to grace his. As soon as they touched, Tommy backed away. 

The pair stopped and pulled apart.

“I have to go,” Tommy said. Before Y/N could question him, he was out the door.

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James was a good man. Shit, that was an understatement to say the least. His family came from old money. It was the kind of wealth she dreamt about. Wealth that her family had never known and might never know. He didn’t keep it a secret either. On their first date, he had taken her to the nicest restaurant she had ever stepped into. All she ordered was soup and water, worried that she would come off as a mooch. James had chuckled and ordered her a glass of wine, reassuring her not to worry about the bill. But she worried.

James was also training to be a solicitor. That was a job that had lots of prospects and a steady future. It was the kind of job a husband would have. It would allow him to make a decent living while also being able to come home to his family every night. It would also not leave him with anyone's blood on his hands, at least in the physical sense. Y/N ran her comb through her locks, contemplating her reflection.

It wasn’t a secret to her that a proposal was on the horizon. She had noticed the way her mother tossed her old dress at her and gave her an excited smile. Something was coming. It also didn’t hurt that she overheard her mother and father discussing the topic.

Y/N had stumbled out of bed early last Saturday. On her way to grab a coffee, she heard whispers coming from the kitchen. She quietly made her way over before stopping to hear what her parents were saying.

“That James fellow seems quite nice,” Mother had exclaimed enthusiastically.

“Yes he does,” Father replied, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Definitely would make a fine addition to this family,” her mother added, a smile evident in her voice.

“I would say so,” Y/N could hear the monotony in her father’s voice. Her mother seemed to notice it too.

“Would you?” Mother asked.

“I would,” Father said, there was defiance in his voice.

“You sure don’t sound like it,” Mother said, a sharp tip to her tone.

“I just,” there was hesitation in Father’s voice, “I just always imagined a different path for Y/N.” Mother snorted at that.

“What path is better than one with a solicitor from a wealthy family?” Y/N didn’t want to know the answer to that, and entered the kitchen at that moment. Both of her parents turned toward her, uneasiness plastered across their faces as they wondered what she heard. All she did was smile and say good morning, feigning ignorance. Her parents knew she heard but if they all pretended, maybe they could truly pretend it wasn’t reality.

Y/N picks up her lipstick, tracing the red along her lips. It was her favorite shade. She remembered the first day she put it on. She was sixteen and experimenting with makeup. When she stepped out of her house to see Tommy, she couldn’t forget his grin.

“Now that’s the classiest whore in all of Small Heath.” he had said, raising his eyebrows playfully.

“That better be a joke Thomas Shelby!” she warned.

“I thought you knew me better than that, Y/N,” he said, with a wink, “You look beautiful.” A hint of electricity flies erupts in her stomach.

“You think so?” She had a tough time looking up at him at that moment.

“Of course,” At that, he held his arm out for her. She laced her arm in his and they went off. 

“Fuck,” Y/N muttered to herself, seeing that in her moment of distraction, her lipstick had not decided to stay in the outline of her lips. Fucking Tommy, even absent, he ruined everything. He never showed up after their fight and she has not seen him around Small Heath. It was as if he had dropped off the face of the earth. But he hadn’t. He just didn’t want to see her. At that, a knock echoed on her door. 

Her father poked his head in. "James is here," he informed her. Y/N nodded, quickly grabbing a tissue to wipe away the smudge.

“Okay," she replied, sensing her father's lingering presence. She glanced back at him. "I'll be out in a few." He nodded, observing his daughter with an uneasy expression. "You know," he spoke up, entering the room, "you don't have to go if you don't want to." Y/N furrowed her eyebrows.

"Why wouldn't I want to go?" she asked. Her father sighed, closing the door behind him.

"You're my daughter, Y/N, and I can tell when something makes you happy and when it doesn't," he explained, sitting on her bed. "I can also see when you're doing something just to please your mother and me." Y/N turned to face her father, crossing her arms in front of her.

"James makes me happy, and I'm not doing this for you or Mum. If you have something else to say, say it, or you can leave," she asserted. Her father sighed but remained seated on the bed.

“I haven’t seen Tommy around here in a while.” her father stated. Y/N knew this conversation was coming.

"I don't want to talk about Tommy right now, Dad," she pleaded.

“And why is that?” he interjected.

“Because," she averted her gaze, "he hasn't made any effort to reach out to me, and I don't want to be the only one trying anymore. He's draining, and I can't bear his chaos any longer." Her father nodded, absorbing her words. 

“I understand,” He puts his hands on his knees, ready to get up, “Have a fun night with James,” At that, he exited the room, leaving the door open for Y/N to follow. She did so and found James waiting in the doorway, a smile adorning his face.

“You look beautiful,” he complimented as she walked toward him.

“Thank you,” she said, as he offered her his arm. 

He turned toward her father, “I’ll have her back by 10 PM.” Her father nodded, giving the couple a wave before they left. As the door closed behind them, she was greeted by the sight of something she had never seen before, an automobile. Her eyes widened as she took in the sight.

“My father purchased it for me last week and I thought I would take the loveliest girl in Small Heath for a ride.” James said, looking down at her. Y/N could not look him in the eye yet, wanting to take in as much of the car as she could. She had never seen one this close to her. It truly was the pinnacle of the high life.

“It’s amazing.” she whispered, almost in disbelief. 

“Indeed," James agreed, opening the passenger door for her. She cautiously climbed in, afraid of breaking something. James took his seat beside her on the driver's side, and the car roared to life, eliciting a gasp from Y/N. Then they were off. Y/N watched as the world outside the window zoomed past her. Small Heath had never seemed this enchanting before. Perhaps her father's stories held some truth.

“Wow,” she breathed. It wasn’t until she heard James clear his throat that she realized he had asked her a question. “Sorry, what was that?”

“I was asking how your teaching courses were coming along.” James inquired. 

“Oh, they’re going very well. Only a few months left before I am done.” Y/N answered, a proud smile dawning her face. 

“Very nice, very nice.” He muttered to himself as they drove down the street.

“And you,” she began, “how are your courses this semester?”

“Good.” he replied, refocusing his attention on the road. Y/N looked at James, expecting more words to follow that, but none came. From what Y/N had heard around Small Heath, law school was a grueling but fascinating time. But that did not seem to be the case for James.

“I can only imagine.” Was the only phrase she could think to answer with. 

“And a pretty imagination you have.” James responded as the couple pulled up to the restaurant. The words caused a pit to form in her stomach. Pretty imagination. What did that even mean? She stared into the windshield, curious about those words as James opened up her door. His hand gestured to the restaurant. “After you.” She gave him a curt nod as he assisted her out of the vehicle. She followed him in. The host gave them a smile as he brought them to their table. 

“What do you think you will order tonight?” James asked, looking over his menu. Y/N hadn’t looked at the menu yet as she watched the people of Small Heath wander. James gave a small snicker, tapping her hand. She jumped. “My dear, you have to at least look at the menu.” That same empty feeling washed over her.

“I will, just taking in the view.” she said, looking away from the window. Her eyes skimmed over the menu, not particularly focusing on any meal in particular. It was then she heard a voice she could recognize anywhere. She didn’t have to look up to know Tommy was in the same room as her. She couldn’t help herself from looking toward the door to catch a glimpse of him. To her surprise, he wasn’t alone. The most recent woman to have won Tommy’s heart had accompanied him. Her name was Greta and that was all she knew. Y/N’s gaze lingered as the couple began to move in her direction. It was when Tommy was sitting at the table directly in front of theirs did he notice her. He quickly shifted his gaze away, but hers remained on him. She couldn’t bear to look away, for all she knew, he could disappear again. 

“You know,” Y/N began, putting her menu down, “I heard that Oxford has one of the most prestigious law schools in the world, isn’t that true, James?” Her voice was pitched a bit louder than usual, she knew that. 

James gazed up from her menu, “Oh yes, it is quite the institution.” 

“Why don’t you tell me about your studies.” she said, letting her eyes move back to Tommy. This time, his eyes were locked on hers. James had begun to discuss his torts class, but Y/N could not decipher one word he was saying. All she could do was watch Tommy’s reaction, or lack of one.

“James, why did you pick the career path of a solicitor?” Y/N asked, “Is it because you enjoy helping people? Or because you like to see the world become more just?” James smiled at her question as he continued on about the world of law. This time, a reaction came out of Tommy. Disdain. His eyes narrowed as James passionately discussed his ambitions and dreams within law school. It was then that a bottle of chardonnay was brought to the table. She quickly took a large gulp, letting the warm feeling of alcohol run through her. She swallowed the rest of her drink before pouring herself a new one. 

“And, James, wouldn’t you say that your family is very well respected? Definitely, not the kind to bring a weapon to a meal, correct?” This caused James to cock an eyebrow. 

“Um, well, that is quite the question-”

“I just want to know that the man I associate myself with is an honorable one.” It was then she noticed Tommy excuse himself from his table and approached her. He stopped right beside her, leaning down so his mouth was right next to her ear.

“Outside, now.” And he proceeded outside.

“If you’ll excuse me.” Y/N said. James gave a nod before she got up and followed Tommy. As the door shut behind her, she looked to see Tommy lighting a cigarette, his body languid against the stone wall of the restaurant. His gaze drifted over to her and his eyes narrowed.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” he asked, a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

“What’s wrong with me?” she gestured towards herself, taking quick strides toward her friend, “What the hell is wrong with you?” 

“Why would there be anything wrong with me?” He took the cigarette out of his mouth, “I’m not the one causing a scene.” The nonchalance in his voice stabbed her, causing a part of her to break.

“How was any of that a scene? I was just having a conversation with my boyfriend.” Tommy snorted at that.

“A conversation? That’s not what I would’ve called it.” Tommy said, taking another drag. Y/N opened her mouth, trying to will a retort. Anything to match up to him. But all that could come out was silence. Tommy stubbed out his cigarette against the brick wall behind him. “Now if you would excuse me, I have a date to get back to.”

“Why didn’t you come back?” The words came out as a whisper. As they escaped her lips, she felt a tear come into her eye. Tommy took a breath, his hands falling into his pockets.

“You know why, Y/N,” he responded.

“No Tommy,” she said, shaking her head, “I do not, please tell me.” Her plea hung in the air. Finally, Tommy met her gaze again, and she saw a flicker of emotion pass across his face. It vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

“That day at the lake made me realize, we are two extremely different people. You want the solicitor husband, the beautiful house and the two kids raised by the nanny. You want to come home and relax on your day bed while your maid brings you your meals. If you stay close to me, that is not the life you will have. All those dreams will never come. Our friendship just doesn’t make sense anymore, Y/N and you know that.” Tommy said, finally moving away from her.

“Do you really feel that way?” she whispered. Tommy stared directly ahead before he gave a slight nod. Her stomach dropped to her feet as she began to come to accept a new reality, Tommy was gone.

“Tommy,” Everything in her wanted him to face her, but he stayed staring straight ahead “I miss you so much.” 

“I know.” Was all he said, before putting his head down and walking back inside. She was alone. She let her body collapse against the brick wall as the real sobs began to erupt from her. It was then she heard footsteps begin to approach her. Her gaze snapped back to the door Tommy just walked through but all she saw was James.

“I think it may be time to go home.” James said as Y/N nodded. His hand touched the small of her back, leading her to where the car was parked. Y/N gave one final look to the window where Tommy had just seated himself again. She could’ve sworn he was staring right back at her.

Next chapter

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