(DM voice) Everything's Fine

there's one thing that's certain: coworkers are NOT contributing to any declining birth rates

coworkers love getting pregnant it's a form of enrichment for them

time to make a post on tumblr. surely no one will interpret it to be as offensive and bad intentioned as possible.

I actually recommend everyone write for a rarepair once because it completely changes your relationship with fandom. Engagement stops being numbers and starts being names. You know who's going to show up. You recognize usernames. Someone disappears for a while and then comes back and you're like “OH MY GOD WELCOME HOME.” It's incredibly wholesome. It is also deeply inconvenient when all six of you simultaneously get writer's block-

when you go to bed significantly earlier than usual, a little menu should pop up asking if you want Wake Up Early or More Sleep. and then you should get what you requested. that's my human body UI improvement for the day.

Ollie just leapt off of the back of a chair onto my kitchen table to land on the tablecloth and do a cinematically perfect Akira slide across the surface and into my bowl of soup

It even crashes like a car in a ps2 game

This woman by the way sent these pics to my grandpa along with a note that said “happy 90th birthday. By the by, my husband’s dead if you’re interested.” We asked grandpa about her and he was quiet, then said, “to be honest. She had a. Substantial rear end.”

Please take my white ass to anor londo

*grabs you with my long gargoyle-like arms and flies off witj you*

Oh thank god hold me tight you scary motherfucker

I had a dream last night that the Decemberists guy put out a new song that was him announcing the band was breaking up, but the song was also his like detailing his future career path, and it was an excruciatingly granular 13.5 minutes of him explaining to us in detail that he was going to become a world renowned marionette maker and like the steps he was going to take to complete this (step 1 was learn to spin flax to make his own cord, step 2 was learn whittling to create his own puppets, step 3 to make his own paints, etc etc. He was going for that vertical slice sort of thing) All the while someone was shouting in the background I DON'T WANNA BREAK UP and WHO'S GOING TO GET MY ACCORDION because apparently there was a custody battle happening for that?? But as it turned out the song was too much of a banger and people wouldn't let them quit and also he had like horrible arthritis in his hands that was preventing him from making the shit so they announced within the week that the band was actually back together and The Marionette Maker's Heart's Desire was like their new #1 hit