long ass time since ive opened this website up but i needed to vent somewhere that wont impact my real life but i can still talk to someone (even if yall are strangers??)

5 months on and im still completely devastated by a guy. I’m devastated because I have trouble forming connections with people, and we did have a connection. And then it was ripped away so easily? Maybe there wasn’t for him but there was for me. and it’s so fucking painful. I want to post on my facebook and my instagram and tell my friends how i feel but its just not possible. So here i am i guess. Actually thinking about it i’ve been devastated longer than he was actually in my life? fucking sad. It opens up more problems for me as I now feel i can’t risk having a connection with anyone. Like imagine if this happened again, I can’t be depressed and an anxious mess for my entire life. Even though it kind of already is this way. Idk I just want to feel loved and appreciated. I have so much to offer someone.. it’s very disheartening.

Fuck it if this is gonna be my safe space to talk about things then lets do it.

Nick fucking lied to me. Like a lot. I know that now but it’s so hard to move past the good times, the happiness i felt in that period of time. Actually, the most annoying thing is i was fucking happy for the first time in a really long time the months leading up to talking to him. and then obviously i was ecstatic because life was good and he was good and  i was kinda on my way to a career path rather than just a job that pays my life expenses. And then literally all around my birthday in december everything .. for lack of a better term, came crashing down. Like its really bad right now. I can’t even masturbate anymore. like it literally doesnt fucking work. Im kind of also going through an identity crisis, a friend mentioned asexualness to me and after doing some reading I think i am on the asexual spectrum, Demisexual? where you really have to have a connection to someone before having desires for sexual contact. I think thats me and that fucking sucks. I want to be able to have a one night stand without feeling like a dirty little cunt.

idk man i just wanna be happy in a nice relationship with a career path. idk how i got here again but i definitely cant keep doing this. i think i will choose to end my own life if i havent figured it out by the end of year. it sounds dramatic and attention seeky but ive struggled with these thoughts for years, sometimes theyre easier to dismiss than others, but ultimately if im not enjoying life, if i dont have a reason to live beyond “ur family and friends will be sad”.. thats not really a reason for me to live. idk if that sounds selfish or not but going through this for the last 10 years and seeing no end in sight, how on earth is it fair to ask someone to keep pushing through when there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

fuck i came here to type all my feelings out and then i just stared at the empty text box for like 15 minutes not knowing how to get it all out and now this seems silly EXCEPT i didn’t spend 10 minutes trying to log in just to give up.

Speaking of giving up fuck am i INCONSISTENT i need to work on that. Like just hard commit to the things I want even if it will be hard for 1, 2 weeks or whatever (((cold turkey quitting smoking))). Social aspects of my life have kinda picked up and I’m very grateful for the friends I have, however, I still have this notion in my head that if people want to talk to me they will and I guess they just don’t unless I initiate conversations. I hate initiating conversations because i feel ANNOYING but like maybe other people do too? Maybe it’s because up until recently I never really initiated convos so people assume I don’t want to talk to them? There’s alot of assumptions here and I’m not sure what exactly the take away is? I’ll just keep persisting and see if there are any thought process changes or whatever.

DATING is so scary? I have no idea how to date I don’t know whats expected I don’t know how to reject people and I most certainly don’t know how to accept rejection gracefully (((((not that i throw a tantrum but I always start looking inwards at what the problem was... sad as I type this i’ve realised it’s probably not always my fault? Not sure where this is going at the moment but damn am i not FILLED with both loneliness and fear of falling in love. Yeah loves really scary fuck that.

I wish I had more personality or like life experiences or idk something interesting going on? I’m not even sure how to create these experiences? I’m so awkwardly introvertedly extrovertedness of introvertness ? ! whatever the fuck that means is how I feel. I wish I was like a social observer or something so I can see how normal human beings interact spending a whole day together? That scares me like you will literally see how boring I am and I DONT KNOW HOW TO FIX IT

[[[[COMPLETELY SELFISH RANT]]]]

the house i was moving into that my dad owned burned down and i now have to rebuild the house out of my own pocket because he didnt have insurance if i want to live there meanwhile HE IS BUILDING A HOUSE FOR HIS DROP KICK 40 YEAR OLD BROTHER THAT HAS NEVER BEEN ABLE TO HOLD A JOB OR A GIRL OR PROBABLY A FUCKING PENCIL but yeah nah his son? build that shit yourself smiley FACE! :)

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i am here

again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again

I haven’t loved/liked myself in a really, really, really long time. I haven’t been able to see any redeeming qualities in myself, I have had a serious downward spiral in my self confidence over the past few years and although I have seen it spiral down I never truly grasped how terrible it was until today. I decided I’m going to try and love myself. I don’t know where that starts or how, maybe just putting those thoughts out there is the first step.

I’m unemployed for the first time in five years and I’m so fucking lost. I don’t know what I’m doing with myself, I’ve been going to bed at 4 am + and waking up at 2 pm, I don’t really have the strength or determination to pick my life back up again.

I am thinking about deactivating all of my social media accounts. I am wondering if this will give me a sense of freedom or if it will encourage my anti social behaviours. Definitely need to think on this one.

I wish some kind of shock therapy type thing was possible for people who want to start fresh. I hate myself, everything that I do, everything that I don’t do.. I wish I could start over with a new mentality on life, forgetting the “middle” me and going back to my childhood mental state. It’s the last time I remember being happy and content with my life, self image, thoughts etc.

I stopped going to to my psychologist because I felt like she wasn’t truly interested in what I was saying/ going through and it made me feel very insecure. I wonder if I should take anti depressants and see if that “fixes” things. I’m really bad with patience and time will tell etc I’m very results driven and I’m worried even if I did take them I would stop because yeah..

I had a sexual encounter today that I am NOT proud of. Not that this happens a lot (re:ever), but I do get caught up in a moment and think “yes! I would love to have sex with this person I don’t find even mildly attractive because it will cause me to feel good somehow”.. No. I felt disgusting. It stems from my self confidence issues for sure. I have the opportunity to have relations with people that I do find attractive on a superficial level, yet I will never do it as I feel lesser than them.. yep it’s definitely insecurities.