Falling into Unfolding

And it’s ok, this is easy to do once the problem is noticed. 

As I laid there, I realised it needs to come down to simply spending more time in the stream of love. 

Its impossible to love others, to love my space, to love the world, to love life, without starting to deeply cultivate love from within.

So, where to start? How to I get back to feeling good?

By acting tenderly to my body. 

To feed it healthy, clean food, to drink lots of water, to stretch it out, and play often—not as a habit or something I feel I must do, but as a daily gift to myself.

By being gentle with my mind. 

To remember I am on the cutting edge of being the very best version of myself. To be open and loving to my very core thoughts. 

By spending spend less time comparing myself and my beliefs to others. 

Realizing that those divide I build between us are imaginary walls I build inside myself and stop me from being a true source of love. 

And when I feel negative—I will not ignore it. 

I will look at those thoughts and ask “Why? What is out of allignment?” Knowing that they are an essential tool to figuring out how to get closer to feeling better. I will not shove down thoughts that are:

angry 

resentful

bitter

sad

jealous

depressed

grumpy

fearful 

or critical 

I will not pretend that they don’t exist, but instead look at them deeply and say “Well, what do I need instead? How will cultivating that help you love more?” 

Find the way back to love is not a list of actionables. 

It is not some sort of cleanse or a ritual. 

The moment I begin to treat it as such, I lose the point. 

But at the same time—it is a practice, it takes daily training and good (albeit sometimes hard) choices. 

It stems from a place of deeply believing that each moment, each thought, each word, each choice—matters. 

Sound bowl healer: I have been going once a week to a healer, who works with sound bowl massage, and this is really transformative.

But I feel this needs to be a whole other post.

It is very deep work.

Sun: So much fun in the sun.

Getting out in it every day has made me love Brussels more, and develop a sunnier outlook on life.

Luckily, there was a ton of sun this month— I feel recharged and my skin looks great.  

Nutrition: Brand new appreciation for living, green, food!

The detox is also inspiring a deeper look into the why behind local and seasonal.

Turns out the benefits don’t stop at environment and ecology, but that our bodies have evolved to take nutrients at different parts of the year to help us survive the seasons.

For example, in the spring we see a lot of sprouting things like; green onions, leeks, artichokes, fennel, broccoli, beetroots, and sprouting greens, all which help clean out and support our liver, which regulates the fat our body accumulates to keep us warm over the winter.

I am in no hurry to go back to stogey starches and fats, and will continue to eat predominately seasonal—super looking forward to the abundance of summer.  

(Although I didn’t realize how much I would miss dark chocolate....!)

2. The Surprises

Social media: What a giant time suck!

Those first few days, I got twice as much work done, read a book, cleaned my flat every day...I was amazed, I knew I was wasting time, but didn’t realize just *how much time* I sink into Facebook, Netflix and Instagram.

Solitude training: I thought this would be relatively easy, but in fact, it is tremendously difficult.

To be honest, I was surprised to realize how social I am.

I kind of thought I was a bit more private (and like a lone wolf,) and this would be pretty straightforward—not the case.

And I am ok with that.

3. The Challenges:

Consistency: This is really hard.

Some days I didn’t feel like bounding out of bed to do yoga and meditate, and it was challenging to keep it up.

I am really glad I had the checklist, because, without it, I am certain I would have given up some days.

Nutrition: I definitely got salad fatigue, but it wasn’t just because of the greens, but the lack of great fatless dressings.

After a while, everything ended up tasting like mustard+apple cider vinegar, or soy sauce.

Which are great ingredients, but not really a flavour-ly sustainable thing to do on a daily basis.

Art: I thought art was going to be easy peasy, but actually creating something every day is very challenging.

There were even a few days there where I, admittedly, didn’t try my best.

Or try at all.

I am disappointed by this.  

I think I will have to revisit this challenge.

Alcohol-free: Damn. I love beer.

I don’t miss wine, or spirits, or port, not one bit.

But I do miss Belgian beer.

One night I was up late on Wikipedia looking up the history of gueuze.

When walked passed the Brussels Beer Project, and it was open and bustling, I did a Charlie-Brown-walk away.

I went to the Via Via Cafe with a friend, where a tea was €3 and beer was €2, and I thought “This sucks. I hate tea.” And then I had to watch him drink a beer.

So, maybe more moderation, but I can’t see myself saying “Goodbye beer”. Sorry little liver.  

This being said, socially it is not necessary, and never having a hangover is pretty great, so maybe sticking to a few glasses a month (week?) would be much better for me.

All in all, so far it has been good, challenging, and interesting, and I am learning a lot. Looking forward to seeing how I feel at the end. 

See some more post about this detox:

Nobody wants to hear about your cleanse.

The source, soulmates, and sound bowls

Meditation, green grapes and a big WOW

Of course, we feel something when we drink a few coffees or beers, or a handful of sweets, but from cabbage and avocados? 

Suddenly, I wanted to be super conscious about everything I eat. 

To give importance to feeling the internals sensations brought on by each thing that enters my system. 

I do so many things mindlessly, and eating is certainly one of them—not in the buying or creating, but in the consuming, I normally watch YouTube or read while eating, instead of being truly present.

As a daily practice to bring awareness to this essential part of living. 

It was an eye, and stomach, opening experience. 

But after a pretty rough morning/afternoon yesterday, I went home and said 

“Ok. We need more space here. We need to go a lot more gently mentally. Tonight is going to be all about chilling and taking it easy. And there is nothing crucially important on the schedule tomorrow,  so we are going to take that easy too.”

This morning I had a lie in, and then did some yoga, and a deep meditation. 

I am feeling a lot more centred. 

Meditation

In the meditation, I am simply adding three minutes to each day. 

Some days have been easy, and my chime goes off, and I am surprised, and other days, I think I am done with still ages to go. 

Brain training is still training. 

I have been working specifically with full body relaxation techniques, opening my chakras to promote healing, and a sort of self-hypnosis. 

I find it intensely helps me slow down the thoughts, as opposed to sitting thinking “Ok...observe!” which usually leads me to chase instead of actually observing.

Back to the grapes. 

And as I was eating part one of my breakfast (the fruit part) I was eating these green grapes, and I felt like I had never tasted green grapes before. 

They were so sweet and delicious and bursting with flavour. 

I think about all the thousands of grapes I have eaten in my lifetime. 

But these grapes were truly spectacular. 

And so observing, for example, why we become ill, why we don’t heal has a different meaning than, if that question were asked before World War 2. The depth to which we now look at ourselves and the depth to which we’re asking that question is a whole gram compared to how once upon a time they asked and they were maybe looking for an infection. We are looking for a story, a narrative, reasons that are a complexity.

When I’ve been working with people now for three and a half decades, and as an observer of people, there’s so many many things I could share with you but I’ve narrowed them down for obvious reasons — and to choice — I want to emphasize the power of choice. And perhaps there was a time when we wouldn’t even talk about it but we have to talk about that today, because choice is a fundamental power of the human experience.

We need to put choice as an authority, as a power that is so huge, that if I ran the world, this is where you should say that’s a good idea but – if I ran the world, I would make studying the power of choice part of every school curriculum. That everyone should learn, that the power of the choices you make have infinite consequences. From the littlest choice to something that is great big huge and that here’s the paradox: you have no idea what a little choice is or a big choice.

What we are used to doing is believing that a big choice is an obvious one: buying a house, getting married. Getting divorced. In fact, those are your small choices. The choices that actually matter when it comes to your health, when it comes to healing, when it comes to positioning yourself, empowering yourself are the tiny ones that — that are the choices I should say that you think have the least power that you make in the privacy of your own company. That perhaps you think have the most — they’re the most insignificant — I have found repeatedly repeatedly, are the most powerful choices of your life, the most powerful, that have the most powerful impact on your biology, on your inner — on your soul, on your sense of who you are, on your well-being, on your whole life map.

I’ll tell you something else that these are the types of statements that are dicey to make, because if someone said I want you to bring proof of this in a basket, I couldn’t do it. But if you listen with your heart and your gut, and see if it doesn’t settle well they’re like good chicken soup.

So I’m going to take you through choices, the kind of choices that if you came to me and said I don’t feel well — I don’t feel well and I have chronic, chronic-ness. And I go from one chronic-ness to another. I have chronic, chronic-nesses, I am always a Chromagen. Nothing makes me happy. I am always complaining and I ache and I’m exhausted. And almost make an exhaustion but I don’t.

And I almost like my life but I actually don’t. And I almost can love someone but not really. I almost make it there where I actually feel loved but I don’t actually really feel it. I think I feel it, so I think feel, I think feel. And every now and again I get to get a love high but it doesn’t last. I take two aspirins of passes.

But then I think maybe it is but then it’s not, but then it is but it almost is but not quite. So I go to a therapist: is this love? But if I try hard enough but maybe, so I find someone to blame. Chronic-ness — there’s never been people like us who have these issues. We’re extraordinary in our issues.

And as I go into this, here’s another thing that is unique about us and put this in your chicken soup belly. We are born knowing certain things; we’re wired for it. It’s in our instinct, it’s in our spiritual instincts, it’s in our soul DNA. We are born knowing that choice is powerful. Choice is the most powerful thing we got going for us and we know it. And that’s the reason why we’re terrified to make a choice. I have somebody, where you want to go for dinner. I don’t know; pick a restaurant, no; can’t even pick a restaurant. People are terrified of making choices. Terrified of the consequence you choose. Terrified of being held accountable for a consequence. Well, I don’t know what I want to do; I’ll think about it, then morning — the day your mind gets the day shift your night gets — your heart gets the night shift.

Your mind says, well, I think your heart says I feel. And you know what the two of them talk to each other, because if they do that you actually have to do something. Choice terrifies people. So most people will do anything to postpone making choices. So I’m going to help you out. We’re going to go through a list of choices that matter — that matter, that make a difference.

The first choice is the decision to actually live an Integris life. And when I say make a choice to do that, this kind of thing I mean. I don’t mean well, I live a good life, no, no no. I’m talking full scale, I’m going to walk the way I talk. I’m actually going to do it. I’m in a little life of integrity. I’m going to — never mind this speak my truth, I’m actually going to tell the truth.

I’m going to live with integrity. I’m going to make my choices according to what I say I believe I’m going to live. I will not — and what this means is that I’m not going to be trade myself. I’m not going to compromise myself. I’m not going to put myself in a position or put myself in any circumstance or if I’m in a circumstance I am getting out, or I won’t force another person, I won’t force another person. To be in a circumstance in which I know that I am uncomfortable in order to please me. I won’t hold another person captive because that has no integrity. I will not do that.

Now let me tell you something. Liars don’t heal. Liars don’t heal, so you can eat all the wheat grass you want and you could do all this stuff with seeds and vegetables. But an honest person who eats cat food will go further than you. Dishonest people, people who lie, people who have moral crises and do not get it, people who blame others for things that they do and they know it. People who make choices and they know another person is going to pay for the consequence of their choice and they are conscious of it. They know for a fact that they are saying something that is not true and they know another person is going to be hurt by that. People who deliberately say things to hurt somebody. Believe you me, your body knows you did that. Your mind knows you did that; your heart and soul knows you did that. So you know you did that.

So don’t tell yourself under any circumstances that the problem with your depression comes from your childhood. Don’t go there knock it off, and make the decision — the decision to live an Integris life. Means get this act together. So it’s not as simple as saying I’m a good person; knock it off. This is major league.

Second, you’re taking notes? You make a decision. I will not pass my suffering on but my wisdom. I make the decision not to pass on my suffering but my wisdom. So that from the years of your life, you make the decision, the gifts that I have to pass on – I either pass on the wisdom I’ve learned. Or I will pass on at this stage the suffering. Oh my poor life — or go harvest the wisdom. What do you want to pass on? The sludge or the wisdom. That’s up to you. Everybody has a choice and everybody can pass on but again it’s the choice. It’s the choice, we all have that and believe me I am not saying we don’t have grief, we don’t have pain.

But if we look at life there are certain things that all spiritual — the great religious traditions, the great spiritual holy traditions have in common. And one of the lessons of these traditions — one of the great learnings is that life will never be that wonderful rich thing that we wanted to do, which is what we call fair. It will never be that. It will never be, well that’s why this happened.

I had someone tell me one time, well if I only knew, if I only knew why this happened to me and I said then what difference would that make. What if God sent an angel and the angel said what do you want? I mean you’ve been banging around down here; what do you want? I want to know why this happened and this happened and this happened. What if the angel said because it did. Now what?

Now here’s the thing. Some of the grief and injuries that have happened to people are so horrible, it’s unbelievable. And the truth is nothing can make that go away; nothing can make that better and the model of healing that we have to have is a model that says healing is not about ever forgetting those things; it’s not about forgetting. It’s about looking at what has happened to us and saying this will never defeat me. It will never defeat me but I will not live in this. I have to somehow turn this into my source of wisdom but I will not live in wealth. I will not. And that becomes this choice. I have to choose wisdom or wealth but I can’t make it go away and if you can’t make it go away, then that is the choice wisdom or wealth.

The third, the choice to take risks. Take risks in your life. Don’t wait for proof. Take risks. And how does this factor into your house? Because what happens is people who – what happens when people become ill and they feel their life force diminishing. They always hit regrets, you will always hit the regret stage. You will always hit the ‘oh I should have done this, I should have done that, I should have’ — you will always hit that place as you begin to feel yourself weakening. Even if you’re going to go right back up. You’ll hit the regret stage in which you visit the life you wish you had lived.

Even if you just have a cold, and one of the regrets that happens when you, when we, when all of us begin to diminish in our strength and stamina is we review the life we should have had had we taken risks. Had we not lived the life in which the way and we make our decisions was based on the fear of being humiliated; what if I’m humiliated by this. What if I can’t take the consequences of it? What if I’m too frightened? What if I’m alone? What if this cost me too much money? Well what if? And to this I would say go home and ask yourself how many of my greatest fears have actually really happened? How many have actually really happened? How many of my greatest fears have really happened and then actually calculate, write down: how many of the most wonderful things that have happened to me? Did I actually have anything to do with?

And probably to — I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt there, because if you look and add most of the best things that ever happened to you, you didn’t have anything to do with. And if you think how did this happen. Probably through a lot of things that you know nothing about that were actually very risky and you didn’t even know that. Don’t take the safe path. Don’t tell yourself that because when you are making decisions about what to do, don’t look backwards for guidance, because there’s nothing quote back there. The reason you are where you are is because that part of your life is over. Don’t look for OVER. To chart new. Don’t go there.

When it’s time to make a decision about I don’t know what to do next, do not go to who you were what you did. Because it will pull you back perhaps even to places that don’t exist anymore to images of yourself that are no more; you are not that person. And one of the ways to weaken you is that it causes you to long for things that are no longer appropriate and they’re not in the field yet to come. What builds vitality would build the desire to live your life fully and be present. It is for you to say it’s time for something new, be in the newness not afraid of it. Be in that newness! Be there.

Next, choose new words. I love this; I love this one. When I was growing up — I am a wordsmith — I’m a writer, I’m a wordsmith. But I absolutely adore words. I actually went to bed reading the dictionary. And because every word is a universe unto itself. Every single word and in my workshop sometime if it’s appropriate, I tell people what I want you to do is come back tomorrow with three words you’re going to give me; no, make up one — that you will never use again. Just one, I just want one word, and you will never use it again; never. And I get to have everything that comes with that word; everything. And I don’t care if the word is two-letter, three, four; I just want one word.

So imagine if you decided, OK I’ll give you the word bug; I give you the word blue, then you’ll never see blue again. Now if I really really want you to go home sometime, in the next couple of days after you hear this talk, and think about if you really had to yank a word out of your head which meant you had to take the whole world that went with that word out of your head, what would you give that person what word zebra, you’d never see a zebra again, you really want to give up saying that animal. OK and everything that went with that.

Now when someone says your thoughts and your words are not powerful, go to that exercise and come in through that door. And then construct the words that you say to another person, word by word and how powerful every single word is that not only that you say to another person but that you say to yourself.

What are the words you say to yourself? Words that you should never utter again to yourself. Words that you should never ever use. Words that you should say what is that word doing in my head. When we finally do quantum energy medicine, micro energy medicine, we will finally do analysis — energy analysis at a level that includes the power of the vocabulary that we use. And we will be able to say to people your vocabulary is so toxic. That the vibration of your neurology includes thoughts, includes frequencies that is so toxic that even if you do visualization, it is offset by a vocabulary that is organically so negative. I don’t care what your visualization is. Your vocabulary is fundamentally hostile. It is hostile, if I had to rate your vocabulary it is fundamentally a hostile one toward everything you see, toward everyone and toward yourself. You get up in the morning and you are hostile. Your first thoughts are angry; you see your life is not enough; you see others is not enough. Your first reaction to everything is critical. Your first reaction is this is not good enough; they’re not good enough.

And you hold as to words power words, blame and deserve, I blame them and I deserve this and you feel entitled. Three words that are lethal: entitled, blameand deserve. And if you could extricate those three words from your head, you have no idea how much better you would feel. If you never used those three words again, I would tell you right now you depressions would be much less, because you are not entitled to anything. Blaming others — blaming everything will take you out of your present. And it will absolutely put such toxic perceptions in you. And you realize that all you have to think about is who’s blaming you for something. And then just picture how many people are blaming you and how would you like to dwell on that thought.

Because if you’re blaming others, I assure you someone’s blaming you, someone’s in therapy because they know you. So stop looking at the world through your eyes.

I opened all my chakras, and my higher-self said “Don’t bother me right now. I will talk to you later this month.” I think that is a strange thing for it to say, but at the time it seemed to make sense. 

There was a soft bright golden light which enveloped me. I bathed in the source.  I had a soft conversation with it.

I told it I missed my soulmate so much I was having trouble getting by. 

It asked me if I needed to reconnect souls for a moment, and I said I did. 

Instantaneously, he was there. It was tender. He touched my face. He kissed my eyes and forehead and lips. We didn’t say anything, we just held each other tightly for a moment. 

Then I watched him fade away, like a small piece of fabric being carried away on a stream of fast running water. 

I cried.  I felt hot tears stream down the sides of my face and drip into my hair. They weren’t tears of sadness, but some kind of release. Mixed with gratitude. With a dash of heartache. 

I don’t know if he felt it. If he was sleeping. If his soul left him for a moment, or if my soul went to him. I don’t know how it works.

Resetting: The Plan

A 21-day reset followed by a 10-day Vipassanā meditation. 

21-Day Detox

I have examined the areas of my life that I feel are in need of a boost. Then made a list of things that were no longer serving me that I need to boot. 

Here was the list I made late one night in my head when my ex-boyfriend was sleeping over, and was snoring, and I couldn’t sleep. 

First thing to go: the ex-boyfriend. (Just kidding. He is nice and we love each other. Maybe I will read this line years from now and roll my eyes at myself.)

The list:

Do more yoga

Start meditating again

Just drink more water

Get my french to the next level

Quit being a wimp about cycling the hills in Brussels

Stop.fucking.drinking.

Get more vitamin D

Do a serious fast. Stop eating fries and cashews.

Stop seeing people for while

Get rid of Netflix.  Get rid of all non-work or writing related webstuff

Do more art.

Then I designed myself some resources to help. 

The thing about being a decent designer is that you can make yourself motivating materials, that are 100% personalized to you. I went to the local printers and printed these in colour for €2, and hung them on my walls. 

The Day Plan

Download this here.

Like a real retreat, I made myself a schedule. I scheduled in my goals, and when I was going to do things. That way I don’t get to the end of the night and think “Well, shit. Now I don’t have time.” 

I have the time. It is clearly laid out. 

Each part of the day is divided up with time to create nice salads, meditate, work on my art or writing. 

What I don’t have time for is Facebook or Netflix. 

There are some notes on the bottom of the page to remind myself my other goals and why I am doing this, so I will subconsciously see them and be motivated. 

The Meal Plan

Download this here.

My diet is pretty clean. 

When I started looking at detoxes online, a lot of them were like “Stop eating meat, sugar and caffeine.” I was like “My life is a goddamn detox.” But, that doesn’t mean I have been eating the best I can, 

I have clearly been eating too many fries, cashews, and beer. 

And not nearly enough leafy greens. 

So, for the next 21 days, just being a plant is not enough.

I am upping the fresh greens and lowering the nuts and oils. I thought about cutting them entirely, and I might do this for a few days in the detox, but it is hard to roast vegetables or get the salt to stick to your popcorn with no oil at all. 

And plus, nuts are a very important source of protein and minerals. Just not so much. A wee bit gets to stay. 

The Checklist

Download this here. 

I love a checklist. 

And I love seeing that I am doing something well at something 

The daily checks will help me build my momentum (ie. I am not going to have a beer if I have 15 check marks, and I know I won’t get to check that day if I do.) so this is where this checklist comes in. 

The checklist includes:

Tech detox: now I need my MacBook for work and writing. I am keeping Gmail, WhatsApp, Memrise, and Gaia. Other than that, I have cleared everything non-essential from my iPhone and MacBook and downloaded SelfControl for the first two weeks until I break the habit. Farewell Facebook. See you later Instagram. Toodles Twitter. I am off. 

Nutrition: I talked about this in the last section, but I am giving myself a tick for each day I stick to my daily meal plan.

Alcohol-free: This winter I have been drinking at least 15 units a week. And that's being modest. Not only is it packing on the kilos, but the hangover stops me from meditating and doing yoga the next day, not so good. So, I put all my special drinks on the top shelf, and am giving my liver a break for the next month. 

Yoga: I do 20-30 minutes of yoga every morning, which helps me stretch out the creakiness, but I’d like to up my vinyasa game and intensify my practice a bit this month. But whether it is 1 hour of yin or vinyasa, I am getting a check for every day I hit my mat. 

Meditation: Meditation is an essential. I have two mediation slots in my day, one which is a simple, easy, meditation where I will simply work on time (Adding 3 minutes each day) The second mediation is either a full body relaxation meditation or one on Gaia. 

Art: This is either drawing, cycle repair, or writing. All I include as art, creative expression and experience. I haven’t been to my art class since I hurt my ankle. I got tired of drawing naked people. But I am going to launch back in with my own projects this season.  

Solitude Training: So, at the end of the month, I am doing a ten day Vipassana course. Part of that is going to be the silence, but also the emotional solitude. And I am going to start working on this for the detox. The people in my life are lovely, but I need to work on getting really comfortable with solitude. So, this means I am drastically reducing how much I talk to people and socialize. In exception of the plans I have already made (and school/work) I am flying solo for the next month. (Note: this also includes being celibate for the next month. Dear god. But “ITS GONNA BE AMAZING”....) 

Sun: It has been so dark, which has had an effect on my serotonin levels. So, I get a check for 30 minutes spent outside. Even if it is not sunny. 

Vitamin Wash: There have been a ton of studies done on vitamin supplements, and my conclusion is that they really can’t replace a diet filled with organic, fresh, phytochemicals. This being said, an intense vitamin c wash can transform your entire system, from your immunity to your mind. So, I am going supplement megadoses of vitamin c for the detox. Get into the blood. And wash out some of that cashew and coconut fat. 

Vipassanā

All this detoxing is really leading up to the big cleanse: the Vipassanā retreat.

If you’ve heard of Vipassanā before, you’re probably thinking: 10 days of trying to sit still and complete silence. Pretty drastic. 

And while that is a part of it, it is not the essence. 

The essence is taking some time to take an in-depth look into your own mind. While you meditate, you see the rising and passing away of your thoughts, which leads to deep insights into not only how you think, but life as a whole. 

But it is not for the faint of heart. And it will get tough. 

That's why I am doing three weeks of prep before I go. 

Going to grab some blankets and head up to Dhamma Pajjota in the north east of Belgium. To sit quietly and observe my own mind for a while. 

I don’t know how much I will want to write during my process. Part of me wants to commit to tracking the whole thing, and the other half thinks it is better to just sink into it and see how I feel on the other side. Maybe I will find a place in between.

The detox section starts tomorrow! I am excited.