feelings

No more assumptions and false signals. Only reassurance from my heavenly Father of the things I am praying for for my future. 🫶🏻

Thank you, Father God.

There are nights where i find myself sleepy but my mind refuses to rest. It aches to be heard, to be written and be remembered someday. To be recalled. So here I am in one of my most vulnerable moments, servant to what my mind has to say right now.

You see, my thoughts are scattered. Inconsistent at times. It sometimes doesn't know where it heads to just like this one. I am trying to gather and recollect in my mind what keeps me awake. I have a hunch, one that I don't want to entertain but keeps bugging me all the while.

Here goes..

I am fighting this feeling of betrayal from someone. I love my family so much, that even I am amazed with the lengths I'd go to for them. My dad and brother are the most precious person to me right now. And I am asking dear Lord to abstain me from any wrong and evil emotions that I might or already am feeling with my uncle. I don't know his heart and all his principles and ambitions but I feel this strong sense of betrayal from him for my father. They are supposed to be a team, the ones who have each other's back. It will be heartbreaking for anyone if they will see them parting ways just because of the result of this pandemic.

What is our destiny? What is bound to happen? Why are we being equipped as such? Where are we headed?

I pray that the answer to this questions will unfold discreetly, without involving anyone dear to leave them heartbroken and shattered.

I can only hope.

2018 January 3 Tapusin na ang pagpapaka tanga.

Bitawan na ang tali ng nakaraan.

Lumakad ka palayo sa mga hakbang tinungo na kahapon.

Bitaw, pagkat wala na.

Layo, dahil tapos na.

Sarili, mabuhay kang wala siya.

Ang kahapon ay hindi na maibabalik pa.

Wala pang nakakagawa at hindi ikaw ang mauuna.

Sa'yo, na huli ko nang nalamang mahal ko.

Pinalalaya na ang sarili sa higpit ng hawak kong ito, ako man ang naunang lumayo noong nakaraang tayo.

Niluluwagan na ang taling pilit hinahawakan dahil sa'yo.

Naging pag-ibig ko. Hanggang dito nalang dahil wala na pala talagang pag-asang bigkasin ang mga katagang tayo.

Hi Ina.

Namimiss na kita. Ang yakapin ka, at kausapin tungkol sa araw ko.

Iniisip ko kung ano sasabihin mo sa sitwasyon na 'to.

Pero parte yata ng pakiramdam na to ay yung hormones ko e, kasi nireregla ako today. Hehe.

Ngayong frustrated kami nila Lara at Cha sa mentor ni Cha, kakauspin mo kaya siya para mapagaan yung loob niya, o sasabihin mo sakin na ayain ko kami magpray para sa bagay na 'yon? Paano ba mapapagaan ung sitwasyon. Sasabihin mo sigurado na ang Diyos ang bahala at may kontrol sa nangyayari. At ituloy lang namin yung pagaaral namin.

Ngayon nag-aalala kami para sa exam sa LEA June2022, una mo sigurong gagawin ay isama kami sa prayers mo, tapos, kasama non, magpepray tayo nila Lara at Cha nang magkakasama para sa mga aaralin namin. Aasikasuhin mo kami, kukumutan at papakainin ng mga luto mo.

Ngayon, na wala ka na sa piling namin. Hinhanap-hanap kita.

-

Lord. Miss ko na si Ina. Maliban kay Ama, siya ung taong gusto ko marinig na magcomfort sa nararamdaman ko ngayon. Hindi ko rin po maintindihan Lord. Pinaghalong regla, kaba, frustrations at pagod siguro to Lord. Comfort me Holy Spirit. Let your name be glorified sa buhay namin ni Lara at Cha. Holy Spirit, guide mo kami sa mga dapat naming reviewhin at intindihin pa para sa board exam. Hindi ito madali pero sa tulong mo, kaya namin maipanalo ito. Holy Spirit, comfort me and give me peace most especially this time na di ko maintindihan bakit ako umiiyak.

Lord. Thank you for the strength that you are giving to me. I pray for wisdom, knowledge and understanding all the days of my life. Thank you dahil hindi ako sumusuko dahil alam kong ikaw ang aking tulong. Kaya ko ito kasi kasama kita at magtatagumpay tayong dalawa. Mahina ako bilang tao, Jesus, pero ikaw ang kalakasan ko. All of my confidence comes from you.

I also pray for presence of mind during this review and sa exam, Lord. Guide us Holy Spirit and all glory belongs to you, God.

Hi.

May gusto lang akong sabihin sa'yo. Alam ko namang walang mababago 'to, but I want to be completely honest with myself. I've learned in life that it is short and unpredictable, hence, I want to live like I only have today to fulfil whatever I wish to in this lifetime, with no regrets.

I once read, that we are one decision away from a different life. Man is the author of his own destiny , thus, what we choose, it becomes our destiny. I will not try to defend myself with what I did to you years ago, we were young and I have literally no idea what was happening between us, I just realized things when it ended and I didn't knew how that affected you. You did really became distant. Unreachable from me. Walls built up high and door locked out from me. The blame was all on me.

I did miss you back then. I had years of pondering, asking myself why i did what i did, why I left you hanging, or so I think.

First, believe it or not, I really have no idea what mutual understanding is, I do not even realize back then that we could have been a thing, I just liked you that time and i have been fine with that. I also realized that I have a tendency to get tired of things, but that doesn't mean I wanted it to end. I have learned that a little break to get my mind to other things is enough, then go back to what was usual.

Second, I am not ready. That time, I have always cared on how people see me. What type of a person I am in their eyes. I have always thought that being in a relationship at such age is taboo. And I couldn't handle such teasing that time. It will be too much for me to handle.

Third, I didn't recognize early that I was in love with you.

You see, I have never been in love, and when you were gone, and we fell apart, that's when the feeling grew, flourished, and developed. You didn't give me a chance to forget you. For years, you were my standard for a man. I seldom like other guys. And whenever I liked someone, I would always compare him to you. Ridiculous right?

I even convinced myself hard that I shouldn't hold on to what we had because we were only talking thru text messages. THAT IS WHAT WE ONLY HAD but you managed to stay for a very long time. I just want to forget every little bit of my feelings for you. It's unfair because you have moved on and I am still here. Maybe it's my karma from you. Idk. I just want to be free from your hold because it will bring me nowhere but wasting my time. Right?

I hope this wouldn't put you in a bad spot if you have someone you love. Not that I matter to you, but I believe we cherished a friendship somehow and found a companion with each other. In a chance that this may cause confusion, please, just continue to love the person your heart beats for. None else. Do not even think of this message.

Honestly, I am surprised with how thrilled I am that you have someone special in your life, I just really want you to be happy. To be loved back by the person you love.

I hope to get that too. Someday.

I apologize too, for spilling this after so many years it is now useless. I just need to get this off my chest and really really move forward. Hindi ko din narealize agad, but it's been bugging me for a week now.

Yun lang. Hope you have the heart to forgive me. Thank you.

And let me just say this once. I love you.

Good night.

2022 April 25

It was at this moment I felt little of myself. I am also not sure if this is pride or something else. But with this I am sure, I was hurt.

However, it was also an eye opener for me to try to be my better self, to still choose kindness and mercy as I was given the same. Only in a different form.

Maybe something is wrong with me this day. Maybe I was tired, or stressed or depressed. I am taking things more personally. Maybe it was also my fault. I was rude earlier this morning.

Maybe I wasn't a good example. But he was his own person, still.

With this dark feeling, let me still look forward to the light of tomorrow.

When yesterday was such a day, I needed something that would remind me that the hard things falters, it passes, it goes away. It becomes memory and oftentimes, gone and forgotten.

No. I am not invalidating my feelings, it's just that, I am the only person who can help me first. I chose how I would react, and I choose to be positive over the hardships.

"This too, shall pass"

like all other things.

Feel free to use this wallpaper. 🤍