Fake Fur Coats

another year and another life time apart. i feel lame and wretched without you. i really messed everything up.

 thats all i wanted to share...

So I have seen a lot of hype around this new run of “Mister Miracle” and thought I would give it a read. Written by Tom King with art by Mitch Gerads, this first issue looms some heavy themes over the reader. The art is great and really helps the impact land in this rated M for mature book. I’m looking forward to next issue. (Image taken from Google Image Search. Mister Miracle is a DC super hero.)

...who is reading this. Hello though... I am thinking of using this again for a few days. Uploading some ideas and what not. I’ve been busy and also not so busy that I can’t find time for some blogs. you know what is a bummer? Forgetting the password to my myspace. Dang...

I can’t lose these shakes. They are the kinda shakes you get when you step out of a hot shower and right onto a cold tile floor. It is chilling me to my core and clinching my teeth is the only thing stopping them from rattling them right out of my mouth. This sensation, this anxiety, I felt it often when she was in my life. I used to hide away under mounds of blankets and shake myself to sleep. I had a dream last night...not much of it remains. Let me tell you what I can remember... I was making a painting with another person. Some sort of a teacher. A three panel piece...first panel was two women in long red dresses beginning to cross a wide bridge. Next, A long slender Venice style boat was passing under it, last A man looking directly and sternly out across into a blank space. I asked this person working with me what the man was looking at. He said, A ending...at that I starting to use a wide brush and filled it in with a dark, thick, but not oily black. Leaving only a negative outline of arrows, pointing in any random angle. Soon I found myself in a black room...I was next to her sitting at a busy table, It was filled with all kinds of craft tools and materials to make...anything it seemed. So there I sat next to her in the empty and she did not notice me. A man, what I would call a boy, walks up and hands her a gift. She doesn’t smile and as she opens it he asks her to a dance. The gift, under tons of paper, is a pile of scraps for a phone...maybe a broken one. At this I jump up to confront this boy, my jealousy taking the lead before my brain can think. He jumps back surprised, and she just asks if I had been there the whole time. I nod and turn to her. She sighs and looks away from both of us. I wait and totally forget about the other guy as he pushes past me and before he can speak she tells him she can’t and won’t be doing anything with him. We stay still as he takes his gift and storms out. Nothing is said as I look at her and she hasn’t taken her eyes off of the distance she had begun examining earlier. Then she says, I don’t believe in you. As if a spell had been broken I felt myself being torn apart with grief, anger and loneliness. Abandon... As i lay on the bed. Sunlight beaming down into the room I shiver...like I used to in the past. Happy Birthday Julie.

Been House sitting for a while..it was good to do something different for a few days but coming home always feels best after being away. I had a dream about an old flame, maybe it was all the heavy drinking...could be I was just so damn lonely, either way, tears didn’t do anything to make me feel better. Damn this heart of fire...

I should write something... There was a point in time when I looked all around me for guidance. What to write and how to write it. Down to the formats and selection of words that were going to be scooped up like breakfast cereal (those dirty eye spoons!). Uh...So i spent lots of my time reading and looking and no time writing anything at all. Then I stopped reading altogether and just thought to myself. Came to the conclusion that writing is better...and just write something I would want to read is enough.

HA! Interesting...the card I always associated with the most when I started all this...Just clearing my thoughts and tried to feel the earth beneath me move and my mind and soul with it. Well that is enough for today. Thank you for some insight... Images taken from Google Image Search! Go check out the deck for yourself and inquire today!

So its been a while since I have been so utterly alone. Took a walk to grab a cheap bite to eat after dealing with a lot of failing elements one after another. Along the way I noticed a church up for sale. I sat quietly; did enough thinking for myself and for the beef going in my face. “Even god has to sell a home here and there...things must be tough.“ Then I figured the insane talk to themselves and philosophers do the same but they convinced the public that its okay so long as the volume is on mute.

Just trying out something...

I’ve been watching lots of videos on philosophy recently. Today I dreamed about Julie again. Lots of holding back and bottling up my passion. She was cheerful and I was brooding. In this dream reality I must never had told her how I felt because she would flirt with guys and tell me when she had a hot date. All of that hurt and I was like a wounded and abused pet, lashing out and people but staying close to her heels. I still found myself feeling alone though...a world where I still had the person I loved most in my life but could not be honest for fear of losing her...I could not live such a lie. I said that she is the person I loved most but I don’t know about that now. True, I said those words to her and she hurt me when I said them. That is her right and it didn’t change my love for her. But after all this time apart I don’t know her anymore. Not the Julie I knew. I suppose I am in love with a phantom or shade of a memory cast in my mind. I remember but I forget. I am selfish but I like to believe that I am honest. I try to understand and will listen but I also expect no kindness in return. These dreams, these fascinations crawling out of my soul and dancing in front of me. So savage and unabashed, So real they touch my heart with a bitter cold reality. The flame I keep mostly hidden, weeps and my body shivers to see your ghost. I do not fear...I Endure.

Okay, I have decided that I have grown tired of doing little to nothing with my life. Its time to move on and keep moving. Stop and I might as well be dead.

Standard Julie dream. These dreams make me realize how good I had it and how maddly I miss her. This can't be healthy but it is what it is. Last scene was brushing my teeth. Sunlight from outside woke me up.

So Julie and I were some part of a spec ops group in a 1985 style world. She and I were clearing out some type of underground brain lab. We kick all kinds of robot and cybort metal ass, hacked the systems, and flooded the lab. We leave, get paid, go back to her place...and her boyfriend comes out to meet us...and says that he may have given her AIDS. So we rush over to the hospital and I can't let go of her hand or stop hugging her. Her boyfriend isn't happy about it but he's lucky I don't rip him to shreads. Normally, I think, I keep those feelings in check and try to hide them in public. Test results came in...I kissed her and woke up.

So I'm still dealing with back pain. Sucks cause my daily chores are more of a pain then normal. We also put up the christmas lights...a few of them. Can't take or post pictures though. Bummer.

I hurt myself by bending over to get mustard. Worst way to throw out your back.

Had another dream about Julie. I don't remember much...we were watch movies at home. I think they were home movies. Ya know, the kind that people recorded way back in the 80's with big cameras? The videos were about the places we have been to through out the years. Our favorite was the Morro Bay...she laughed at the seals at one point and my heart melted and I woke up. I must really miss her.