⚰️To be thin⚰️

I resent you, Ayden ward. Not in the way of a burning hatred, but rather in the way I resent ever having to meet you at all.

I’m so fat and gross. But I’m just so tired, I can’t believe I have to exist. I have an exam tomorrow I should study for but I just wanna die.

Told my partner to go read kinky fan fiction bc they’re sexually repressed…….they are now pissing while on archives of our own…

Sitting in my sustainable tourism class, roaming Tumblr instead of paying attention. All I can think about is how fat and disgusting I've gotten. Every time the restrictive part of my ed starts to go away, the binging part makes me a fat cow again. When I look in the mirror, all I can see is a fat, disgusting pig wearing makeup. How can my partner stand it? How can they stand to fuck me? It's time to starve again. Gods, I need to starve.

Once again I’m back, shit I barely keep up this blog. I’ll be gone for months, even years. But somehow I keep finding myself back here. But this time idk, it kinda feel good. No matter how fucking shitty I feel right now. Gods I feel like shit. I feel like shit. I feel like shit. I’m fucking crying in my fucking assigned camp bunk like I’m a homesick child. But by the gods, I feel like fucking shit. I want to scream. I want to feel like me again. I don’t feel like me. I don’t feel like me. This isn’t me, but I can barely recognize myself anymore. Fuck gods, who even am I anymore. I can’t have become reduced to this. When the last time I made something? The last time I existed as me. I’ve been tired, so tired. Part of it is physical, part mental, but I’ve been rotting from the inside out. It’s eating away everything I am and once was—Slowly and surly turning me into a husk. And now when I finally feel like I get the chance to breath I realize just how much of me has slipped away. I can’t let this happen. It hurts. It hurts. It fucking hurts.

I’m so mentally drained, I’m desperately trying not to cry in class

I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I can’t keep this up anymore I just don’t want to feel

I can’t. I’m slipping again. Small things are setiing me off getting me in such random moods. A single quote or an off handed comment form my friends or boyfriend can get me so sad and empty, I’m cutting and wanting to die. I’m so angry at the smallest things and I get into a rage. It can be as small as spilling nail glue on a scarf… I broke my mirror today and fuvked up my room. All I want to do is scream and cry and throw something. I can hold it back in front of others but the second I’m by myself I crumple and I just don’t know what to do anymore.