Becoming Gossamer

…and you tried to change didn’t you? closed your mouth more tried to be softer prettier less volatile, less awake but even when sleeping you could feel him travelling away from you in his dreams so what did you want to do love split his head open? you can’t make homes out of human beings someone should have already told you that and if he wants to leave then let him leave you are terrifying and strange and beautiful something not everyone knows how to love.

There are two types of sadness. There’s the one where your body reacts to an event in your life. The one where your heart aches against its will at the loss of a friend, the news on your tv screen, the words someone used to cut you open. The kind that sounds like “I’m sad because…” Then there’s the second kind. The worst type of sadness. The one that resides in your bones with no source. The one you wake up to on some mornings, and even though the sun shines through your blinds and you have to squint your eyes to see life breathing outside, you feel sad, so incredibly sad. The kind that follows you around and weighs on your shoulders. And you can’t attack a problem with no source. The kind that wishes it could say “I’m just sad and I don’t know why” but often comes out “I’m fine”

I wonder if you ever talked about me to someone.