failing the rorshach test

how to count how not to stare at the sun how to not smile at strangers how to trust them how to integrate, not formally how to stay put, not forcefully how to fail fast, not frantically

i never learned how to separate how not to be an equal how to not be everywhere how to be just once how to belong, not entirely how to focus, not eternally how to love, not endlessly

image source failingtherorshachtest // july 27th 2014:

when you’re soaring this high and cruising this fast on a four-lane freeway you don’t realize how deep into your sleep you’ve fallen asleep sleeping but i'm no beauty today my runaway train crashed my tunnel vision its walls teetered but thank god concrete is more resilient to flame than steel the first step is admitting you have a problem mostly i just think too much but now i’m afraid of myself and my lies deceptions inceptions contemplating the fallout of someone else making my college decisions making climate change happen taking responsibility for it what am i doing saving myself for death great i can’t wait for the mountain of debt to my saviours and friends and taxpayers if i run i’m a fugitive if i change my name i’m a fraud if i turn around i’m my own personal scapegoat baaaaaaaaa and that’s my own fucking fault action causation we make the world go 'round and 'round and 'round and 'round you know until it stops until the demand trumps supply that's economics until the well runs dry until my monitor flatlines oh well you taste like gasoline and i’m supposed to love you but if i were a boy i’d get what i’ve wanted no i’m not a lesbian yes i saw you get excited no it’s more complicated than that this is a game we play how many more hits can we take how many more spins can we chance it before the groundwater greys and then it’s the children they’re up next the shop gave me back my iron cage disguised as wings and because i foolishly pride myself in not scaring that easy i got back in my seat wrote an epic then ran with it full-throttle ahead

preamble

2017.09.05 98 // “Green Light” (Melodrama)

2017.09.10 43 // “Stumbleine” (Spiderwebbed)

2017.09.14 16 // “Summer: Hope Overture” (Requiem for a Dream)

2017.09.17 46 // “Burning Bridges” (Native)

2017.09.19 12 // “How Far We’ve Come” (Exile on Mainstream)

2017.09.20 74 // “Rooftop” (ttwwrrss_2)

2017.09.21 37 // “Call Your Girlfriend” (Body Talk)

2017.09.22 58 // “No Stranger” (Limits of Desire)

2017.09.22 24 // “Retreat! Retreat!” (Escape from New York)

2017.09.23 90 // “Josephine” (From the City to the Wilderness)

2017.09.23 41 // “For Blue Skies” (Strays Don’t Sleep)

2017.09.23 6 // “Louis Riel” (Battles On)

2017.09.24 33 // “Heavy Love” (Single)

2017.09.24 72 // “Big Game” (Palo Alto)

2017.09.24 88 // “I Need a Forest Fire” (The Colour in Anything)

2017.09.24 1 // “Concrete Angel” (Greatest Hits)

2017.09.25 56 // “Blush (Duncan Murray Remix)” (My Love is Cool)

2017.09.25 81 // “Moonlight” (Maps)

2017.09.25 69 // “Heroes (Grandtheft Remix)” (Forever)

2017.09.25 25 // “Alibi” (Piano Covers)

2017.09.25 92 // “22 (Over S∞∞n)” (22, A Million)

2017.09.26 100 // “Blink” (Gaslight)

and this is why i wait for inspiration to hit without conjunctions but what do you order and why do you blink the way you do today it might be over soon for all these years they came they passed by carried consecration i began wondering if it was ever happening and so it goes nothing happens then everything but if this seems short it's not it's exactly how long i've lived and if this seems empty it's not it's just that by the seventh day the acknowledgement came but then i had already known the next i knew

some seven years later after rebirth by fire in the evening hours a moment per flicker where you might look for cover for another brother were you able to find her an ear on you there were multiple maps in our stars more constellations in ours and we carried on after but your garden stayed endless in every plane bound in no direction we wound up back where we started some time ago with more calamity than ever before feeling only full of the hope that was yours gracefully embraced the final confirmation that we may never learn

everyday people we were hideaways in plain sight no alibi at first light the streets clear empty nights in another bed headed for the windsor side motives unadvised telltales and fables in another tongue another power that's where we fell short in diplomacy we're a different kind and again we've learned nothing was the same as it was before we were strangers running against the current now we float we divide everyday things into lies to feel alive battles of simpler time no warning sign of it flying right but we flew with it anyway at speed

someday we may be heroes but today i'm my left foot my left hand in yours first across the eighteenth floor metamorphs at the tail end of our metonic cycle we'll be there someday remember me then and only then will every past double intent unravel itself as it was before you took matters into your own melodies and a false content sense of mistransposition into a minor disagreement maybe thought to speculation or words to a common passion shroödinger sometimes pas de deux posthumously you were a moment a midnight momentarily overlooked but someday you would be and to me you were already

are you happy somehow are you happy somehow are you happy somehow are you happy somehow are you happy now are you happy somehow are you happy somehow are you happy somehow are you happy somehow are you happy now are you happy somehow are you happy somehow are you happy somehow are you happy somehow are you happy now are you happy somehow are you happy somehow are you happy somehow are you happy somehow are you happy now are you happy somehow are you happy somehow are you happy somehow are you happy somehow are you happy now are you happy somehow are you happy somehow are you happy somehow i'm happy now

it can be easier to ask than it is to follow to stand up and scream like you think you know the next song she packed the scars she hid under poorly fitted clothes the deliberate tomboy and an unacceptance of her life as it was like you think you know how this story continues to this day she wishes for that higher place you said was unattainable so that's how she made graces with her morning after blush in the sky on the other side wishing a stillbirth of her own it can be easier to ask punch luck dumb struck happy happy happy now

a million flash frames frozen in the rearview the wind and the rain burning the beautiful tracing the footfalls that wear away claims false memories dreamed in four-minute scenes there was no telling these scattered seeds would grow this way thicker than betrayal the eventual unifier stopped short of walls built around this union bearing another burden behind charred masks dusted with gold ashes and brightly lit stars invisble to city eyes as the smoke and mirror of the burning question caution wore yesterday

the great irony is freedom from disaster is far greater without the social construct barriers to communication irresponsible procreation all of the above are valid and the inevitable laughter come third financial quarter escapes me from the other line drawing closed shutters on our own eyes we painted the next song in thick lines swelling across the blame increasingly substantial finding the differential of a multivariable conflict there is a bliss in living a lie of too many sides at odds with their status quo errat demonstrator i request another dream and a great deliberate fire for our existing compacts

i'm looking out for you your voice from frequency to fill the deeper voids pounding into me the shame of someone else's dreams i can hear transmissions of a need drenched in fear disbelief of everything between you and i can walk on these shattered ankles give up your love i'll be fine it's big game played on heavy rotation afloat our great divide i still will be looking out into the ocean before you pass do not collect go forth just go looking for you won't find me there any more days then i'll need to be the supporting role you once won an oscar for go now do not collect me

most of these days i walk through walls aimlessly and most of the people i confide with are okay with this in fact they're the same chambray damask our common mould mistated by a delayed wait sitting still on the fence facing an inability to accept opposite angles hypoteneuse the sun got me thinking in units and curriculum what have we got to lose really the days went by walking around between two and five in the afternoon walls up head down straight ahead or some so-desired revolution waits for no one and the porch light is on a fight without direction of our ownselves my love

if you were quick to it quick to forgive i had already forgiven them though they battle on my flag pardons it all if we draw our lines down the middle can i still come over after i never believed you you know i wanted to it's that same night under the same stars under the last flight we were somewhere over denver austin honolulu the morning faded into early dark an easy dawn i still prefer sunrises for their lesser error for a quiet revolution would i have saved you you know i wanted to before all of this

are you reading in order as i'm not writing meta for you to easily follow the road trace the dust weave the thread of this time elapsed in numerical nonsense a double life in digits disconnected but a butterfly effect of words on white images in black negative space in audio affection crushed casual sex with a bitter tone just believing you and i will never be good enough and the sleepless night sky full of our distance measured in misrendings mistaken phrases on repeat actions spoke louder then still trying to make sense but for now and blue skies we can dance a little more

made transplantable by your own sometimes it's easier to run away than it is to hide alive in a home made inhabitable by your own mind over matter to me it doesn't last through november but i didn't expect it to rocks never do but were it ever never were the way i was in new york city bold and pretty not good enough still running at the taste of love made extinguishable by your own imagination of the wet wilderness i owed my life to a debt you paid back of a creature stabbed by man made replaceable by your own false hope an american standard a devious dream value-added tax a stastical life in a number of days out a number of escapes before we abdicated this post with a windy waterlogged fury made unstoppable by your own