TW:ED

Idk wtf I'm doing.

Omg hi y'all I'm not better at all and I'm also not recovering but I'm also not starving or eating too much... I honestly have no idea what I'm doing. My nana is over so I can't have an ED y'know? When I get home from school she tells me to wait for dinner instead of having a snack and she actually makes a good dinner like I love when my Nana s over because some how I just completely forget about my ed. I still have my thought y'know like when I'm at school I'm debating whether I should eat or not, I don't eat breakfast anymore and I don't really snack as much but it was also just easier so I had chocolate but I've only felt like guilty guilty maybe like 3 times in the past week like I actually like it more when she's here even though 8 have to eat dinner i eat less because I'm not the one trying to force myself not to eat and ends up snacking because blah blah blah but she's saying wait till dinner and I do and then she makes real food.... Sadly she's leaving tomorrow so uhmmm I guess we'll see how I do without her because my mom doesn't really ever cook much she just buys with the money she just must pull out you bum because we're poor ma'am so wtf are you spending it on junk? Anyway, nevermind... I just want her to stay for atleat one more week to y'know like adapt to the routine of not eating for like 5 hours and waiting till dinner y'know? Yeah okay.. I lost a few btw, we had are weight check-ins in gym, good thing is I haven't lost much so she's not sus bad thing is I haven't lost much.

Hmm.. I feel like I over shared and let my self show a little too much in that post lol I'm actually a really fat bitch irl my mom can talk all day about how much I eat and how much of a bitch I am... Anyway, sorry, I might be in a salty and a little depressed mood right now so sorry for typing so much and cussing so much and all that I really do hope y'all... Idk just become happy one day? Just work for the future it'll probably help distract you from food anyway, all that homework and/or job work. Work for a good future, okay? All that matters to me is I die happy so I'm gonna do good in school and working and all that will help me even if I do it numbly, I would rather it go in a blur s and I have a good future than I guess.. be happy now? I'm not in the situation to enjoy my youngness or whateve, I'll enjoy my twenties, okay? I promise this to myself and everyone else who cares. I'll be happy. :")

Sooo... It has been a weird few days .. i think... Idk... Idk what I'm doing anymore... I've cut in strings or whatever that was holding me up and now I feel like crap vybu decided who cares, I'm gonna keep falling, but while I'mm falling I will complete my goals.. i will lose weight and get prettier and I will do good in school so I can graduate and I will get a job over the summer and save. I will do all that... I will. I'm just gonna try to forget life when I'm not doing it. I will try to just turn my brain off and let time oass so I don't think about anything so I can just stop being lazy and pathetic and work for my future. Who gives a damn about how I feel now... It's not like I'm good now... Idk if any of this makes since but I want to work for my future life while and just stop thinking. Just do it all like a robot. Go to school do my work come home shower do homework and shut down even though it'll be early so I have no idea what to do. Imaybe I'll just draw or listen to music to pass time until I learn to just sit there and not even notice time passing until it's time to go o sleep so I dit wake up roo early just stop. If I eat it will only be fruits and veggies... I ate stuff and I told myself I wouldn't purge yesterday and I didn't. I didn't even eat much, I ate like a normal person but words kept replaying and I purged today then I cut. I ate cereal which is no where near a safe food so idk why I did it, fucking dumbass bitch lol. Guess it my own fault, should've known I couldn't handle it, so I purged. I cut on my hips so no one sees I did two cuts on my rist and each thigh but it's not obvious I just... Wanted to do it to give myself the satisfaction I had before when I did it wherever but I want to be cautious since my sister bought my shorts and I wear short sleeves now because I don't have many sweaters, need to buy some but kind of hard lol, so I wear short sleeves so e times and don't want anyone I find out... Not like anyone will see my hips... Right?... It jaut feels so good. I get up and walk and feel my cuts on my hip, I mean yeah it's a surprise when I'm sitting for a while and get up and feel this shot of pain and I love it. But it doesn't last long... I still feel it right now though but that because it's a freshes cut, a few hours ago. Lmao.... I'm relapsin on everything this month.... It's been a while since I purged or cut but here I am.. doing both.. so fuckin proud of you, you're such a fucking pathetic stupid bitch. Dying all that motivating shit just to end up back here... You better succeed this time.... At least I'm keeping my grades uo this time... I'll lose weight... I won't have to purge anymore... It was just once but the cuts will... Probably keep coming but not too deep.. I don't have any scars and I probably won't this time either. But they will start to look pretty on my thin frail legs rather then these fat fucks lol... I don't usually cuss this much.. I guess I really got to myself this time... I'm really young a lot too.. probably getting annoying lmao... I'm just gonna listen to music and go to bed... Probably gonna fast for a little or who knows maybe I'll fuck myself over again and have to end up purging I guess I'll never know :") btw allthsoe time I said my mom made me eat this or that was just me trying not to seem like a fat pig, just an accuse I gave myself my mom would rather me starve and become skinny she couldn't give two shits about me sorry about he lies I'll be honest for now... See y'all next time ;))

Everytime I want to eat I just squeeze my fat and I lose my appetite.

I'm drinking coffee which come from coffee beans which come from a fruit so not breaking anything ;")

I had a banana for breakfast and cleaned for a few hours. Just ate lunch which was broccoli and mixed veggies and more veggie stuff but in small servings because mom said shes making some type of burrito so idk if corn tortillas are out or not but that the only form of not vegetable/fruit that I'm having today. Well actually I had no added sugar with the banana but I'm having seeds and nuts too since they are a fruit I think lol that's what Google said anyway so I'm having it but that pretty much it for now, I'll update y'all tonight. Today is a good day. :")

Why are my thighs so fat

I'm gonna make another account where.i don't use may tags bubi can just rant about things without feeling like I'm saying too much, or that's hidden but people can See it if they com across i won't tell anyone the name but i have other things I'm my mind a.d yeah all will probably mention my Ed but idk it feels weird putting it o this one y'know? Anyway I'll lost here all the time just using the other too lol idk

I feel like i can't wear what i like like my fashion choice (which is every aesthetic because i like em all and can't choose lol) until I'm confident ND can't be confident until I'm skinnier. Then i can be fashionable other than that I'm just insecure lol

My mom bought some groceries so I'm thinking about starting a fruit and veggies fast or liquid fast, since i do a lot of things i kind of need something in me and i don't want completely ruin my metabolism. I could still do fasting but when I'm doing it by myself i want either liquid or fruits and veggies because I love fruit and I love veggies lol. Might even just make it my whole diet and become one of those people that only eat fruits and veggies...i forget what their called - anyway I'll update y'all on my choice later :)

I had oatmeal with my matcha and stuff in it and then my mom asked me to make pancakes for breakfast even though it was lunch time so i guess lunch hey just sleep in late and i wake up at 6something because i wake up at 5 on school days lol so habits i guess. While i was making that was dancing with my niece and ate some stuff while dancing....I ended up dancing for more than 3 hours lol atleast i burned a lot of calories and even had weight because of my niece i was holding the hold time and it tired her out so now I'm putting her to sleep, I'm sitting but still using my LEDs to rock her so still burning calories lol. Today is a good day. Now I'm gonna put the baby to sleep and eat h TV. :)

So i didn't eat breakfast or at break but when lunch came I was went in with my friend so i grabbed the School food and ate some but mostly carrots and orange slices. my sister and her family came over so my mom made hamburgers and corn on the cob and i wish i could've gotten out of it because hamburgers are a fear food of mine but it's alright, i handled very well and didn't even think about purging and just in case, i ate some broccoli and veggie stuff so i wouldn't want to purge and it made me feel way less guilty oh also she gave my a soda so that was so very nice lol but u danced for a while t burn calories oh! Also my bus missed my stop again so i had to walk home like 20 minutes or so so i burned even mor cals. I've just been drawing for the past 4 hours and it's a great distraction that i forgot about because of school lol but now it's break so o can relax! I'm gonna just lightly restrict until my buddy can start our thing so yeah 👍 also my stomach is already growling so I very much don't mind today and it's not like i ate much it was just 'unhealthy' y'know? I'm gonna go to bed now see ya tomorrow :)

I drank green tea with lemon to help my throat. I woke up late so i took the later bus but I'll only be like 5 mins late to school lol. I didn't eat anything like usual but whatever missing one day is probably good y'know? So it's like more intense when you have it again lol idk. I'm dying but this time i took medicine so hopefully that'll get me through the day because it's Friday! I have to go to school, we have spring break after today. Also, i hate the feeling like I'm missing out on something not going y'know, i forget what it's called but i have it and i wish i didn't care because I'm not missing out on anything lol well ..i mean since it's the day before spring break most of my classes are just doin free days so i would be missing out on fun with m friends and that's the reason I'm going feeling like this. I'll update y'all later if i eat something or not :")