we love to get high

“ does it happen often? this feeling, i mean. ” scout understands the need to be anywhere but inside your own head. “ well, if you need a reminder, i can do that. ” her heart seizes in her chest as ezra’s gaze meets hers. “ in the hospital, and then a treatment centre. ” her eyes drop from his. “ i felt like i was in this dark hole and i just lost interest in everything. not eating was the only thing i cared about, it made me a better dancer. i finally felt -—,  ” she cuts herself off before she can say perfect, cheeks heated with embarrassment. “ i had fainted before but one time…  well, my heart stopped. so no summer vacation for me. ” a wry laugh rips from her lips, tears burning behind her eyes. “ a ballerina with eating issues. original, huh? ”

“yeah, it does. more often than i want it to.” its hard for him to admit these things to her, a lot of them things he’s rarely said out loud at risk of sounding crazy. its easier to chalk them up to being a moody artist, locking himself away to complete his brilliant pieces, instead of what it really is. a few days of non-stop painting followed by a crash, days of not being able to pull himself out of bed. he studies her face as she speaks, and it feels like his heart stops for a moment. why had he never asked? “scout...” he starts, reaching over to gently cup her cheek, “you don’t... you don’t do that anymore, do you?” 

“snorting it just makes it hit faster. it would’ve been the same if you took the pills,” she told him. “no, it’s okay, ez. you’re gonna be fine, it’s just a bad trip.” city had dealt with more than her fair shares of bad trips, and despite the guilt sinking into her chest, she knew she could help him. “remember when i took too much mdma? and i thought the walls were melting? you stayed up with me all night until i came down, and this is gonna be just like that.” she made sure that she kept calm, talking to him slowly and gently. “here, lay down on the bed.”

he nods as he sets the water down next to the bed, following her instruction to lay down, “yeah, yeah- i remember. you um- it passed after a few hours. i think we both cried.” he feels like his entire body is shaking, unable to tell if it actually is or not. his hands reach for city’s, tangling their fingers together, “you’re gonna stay with me, right? you’re not gonna leave?” 

ezra’s relationship with his mom had always been something that she had admired, even if she had only really seen the end of it. it had made her wish that her parents were softer, that they were capable of that kind of love. “ maybe there is something. maybe you just haven’t found it yet. ” she doesn’t want to say blindly that there’s a magic cure all, that time heals everything. but she’s always hoped for the best, it’s just who she is, and she wants the best for him. she nods, not really in the position to say anything. there were a few things she regretted doing on vacation. “ how do you feel afterwards? ”  the idea of medication pops into her head but she knows that he was on it when he was younger and that he hated it. “ remember the summer that my parents said i was in europe? ” the words fall out of her mouth before she can stop them. “ i wasn’t. ”

“worse,” he says, trying to be as honest with her as he can, “i always tell myself i’m not going to do it again, because coming down is so shitty, but- i forget all about that when im in the middle of an episode. but i’d rather feel anything than this.” he remembers the first time he did it, his first semester of college, how the mania had felt so much better than the depression at the time. he doesn’t want to admit that out loud. his brow furrows for a moment as he thinks back to that summer, his heart dropping as he looks up at her, “where were you?” 

“hey, don’t worry about it, you’re fine,” she said, her voice suddenly calm, and reassuring. “listen, my mom is half your size and takes double the dosage you just had. you’re fine. you’re gonna be fine.” the girl looked around her room, grabbing a water bottle and a joint. “here, i’m just gonna help you calm down. drink this.” she said as she handed the water to him. 

“she doesn’t fucking snort it, city,” he says, face flushed as he looks up at her. this has never happened to him before, he’s never had a bad reaction to anything, and that’s only adding to his panic. he takes the water bottle from her, opening it with shaky hands and taking careful sips. “why the fuck did i think this was a good idea?” he almost whines, squeezing his eyes closed, “i’m sorry- i don’t know why this is happening.” 

city was almost out the door when she turned around and noticed ezra still on her bed. as fucked up as she was, it wasn’t hard for her to realize something was wrong. “they wont know anything if you sit in bed all night,” she said, walking back over to him. “ez, look at me, you okay?” city asked. city may make dumb decisions, but she’s smart. smart enough to make sure that they each only took half a dosage, so there was no way either of them would actually overdose. no, this was something else, and city knew it. 

“i don’t think i should have taken that,” he says, his voice coming out thin and panicked. he can’t tell if he’s hot or cold, his hands shaking as he grips the edge of her bed. the fact that its supposed to last for days is starting to freak him out, everything just feels like too much, “i don’t- this doesn’t feel right. i don’t feel good, i feel worse than i did before. i- fuck, its like depression on crack- or meth, i guess.” 

her parent’s dinner parties and events had always bordered on intolerable, especially on the rare occasion that nic wasn’t there. one of her first memories of ezra was from one of those nights but it’s his mom that she remembers clearly. how kind she was, how her smile brightened up the room even though she was evidently getting sicker. her absence eventually filled the greene’s summer house and scout felt it when she peeked through the doors, food that her mom had sent her over with planted firmly in her hands. she takes his hand, squeezing gently as she listens intently. “ i’m sorry. i should have said or done something. ” she wants to ask what kind of thoughts run through his mind but she doesn’t want to overwhelm him. “ do you still … self-medicate? ”

ezra had always been closest to his mom, she always knew exactly what to say. she’d bought him his first paint set, watched him paint and critiqued proudly. “i always wanted to be an art dealer, you know,” she’d whisper to him as she held his hand and walked him through museums, taught him about brush strokes and different canvases. the way she knew he was entering an episode without him having to say anything, the gentle stroke of her fingers through his curls when he couldn’t get out of bed. he missed her every single day. “there was nothing you could do, there’s nothing anyone can do,” he says softly. he looks down at her question, embarrassed by the answers, “sometimes. i did on vacation.” 

“easy to say when you’re happy.” maybe that was the key to it all, being happy. and city certainly wasn’t happy. but she was gonna do whatever she needed to do to convince herself that she was. even when they were together, city was always the one to suggest throwing themselves into a manic episode to stop a depressive spiral. “fuck. yes.” city laughed, jumping off the bed and grabbing her bag. “how long do you think it’ll take to reach the boarder?” she wondered, out loud.

ezra stays sitting on the bed, his head starting to spin. he’s used to being high with city, to getting up to no good while they do it, but he’s never felt this way before. maybe its because he’s killed his tolerance in the time since their last bender, or because of the new drug, either way he doesn’t feel nearly as good as she does. “we can’t- what if... what if someone sees us?” he splutters, “they’re gonna fucking know we’re high as shit.” 

“that seems so boring,” city groaned. of course when she was dating him she was faithful, she had no need not to be. he always knew when to give her space and when to hold on tighter. but now things were different. even the thought of being tied down to someone felt suffocating. “duh, that’s the whole fucking point! to finally feel alive or something– do you wanna dance? no– we should go somewhere. i don’t have a car, but i can buy i car, let’s buy a car and just fucking go!”

“it isn’t,” he hums. ezra has always been a one person kind of guy, val had been his first real experience with just hooking up, and that hadn’t lasted long at all. he was always happier in a relationship, always happy with one consistent person by his side. “yeah, you’re right,” he says, taking a deep breath as he sits up, trying to get on the level that she is and not wanting to throw her high, “lets um- yeah, lets get the fuck out of here.” 

“ i know you will. ” scout lets her eyes travel his face as if committing it to memory, eyelids drifting shut only briefly until he speaks again. she considers the question carefully before she answers. “ i had an idea. ” it had confused her when the beautiful boy next door, the one she thought she knew so well, suddenly changed and twisted into himself. “ i heard your dad talking to my parents once about you being sad, how your mood would change suddenly. by the time i was going to ask, i didn’t know if it was your mom or something else. ” she can recall her own flashes of memory -— scared that she would mess their dynamic up by asking, scared that he would ask the same questions back. “ has it gotten worse since then? ” 

“something else,” he says, thinking back to their summers spent together. he hadn’t really known scout before his mom was sick, in fact he thinks thats why they started taking summer vacations in the first place. to make his mom comfortable, give her a different kind of environment to try and heal in- obviously, it hadn’t worked. at least when he was upset about his mom it was tangible, there was a reason behind it. the hollowness he’d felt then, and now, seemed to come randomly and with no reason. “it started when i was in middle school. my mom- she had it, too, but she was medicated. i never really... saw her get like this. or if she did, i guess i don’t remember,” he sniffles lightly, “i don’t know if its gotten worse, but the thoughts have. i’ve made more mistakes, i have more to feel bad about i guess. and i... used to self-medicate a lot. when i was with city especially. i think that might have fried my brain a little.” 

“you know, sleeping with a psychiatrist requires actually going to see a psychiatrist, right?” city laughed. “not even a little bit,” the girl shook her head. “this shit is supposed to keep you up for days, no more feeling sorry for ourselves, sleeping for days at a time.” by now city was standing on her bed, bouncing around to distract herself as the drugs kicked in.

“fuck, didn’t think about that,” he chuckles, laying back in the bed as city bounces on it, “besides, i’m not fucking anyone besides my girlfriend. you know i’m a one person type of man.” he can feel the drugs starting to kick in, the feeling enjoyable at first. after a few minutes he can feel his heart picking up at an uncomfortable speed, but he’s not yet aware that something is wrong, “is your heart beating like- really fucking fast?” 

there are so many things she wants to ask to fill in the few missing blanks. they’ve known each other for the better part of their lives but not like this. despite the thoughts that he might be happier with his ex someone who understands the intricacies of what he’s going through, and the doubts that she suspects ezra’s father puts in his own head, scout knows with absolute certainty that he is who she wants. they have time for questions. her chest tightens as she watches his expression fall and she presses a gentle kiss to his forehead, closing the remaining distance between them. “ our first official date. ” her lips twist up into a gentle smile. “ remember when the adlers asked us what our first date was and we panicked? i don’t know how we’re going to top an aquarium store. ”

he nods slowly as she recounts the story, “i’m sure i’ll think of something good.” he can’t wait for that moment, when his brain clicks back into place, when he can enjoy her presence in a more meaningful way than he is now. his depression has always felt like time wasted, but it feels worse now, that he’s letting seconds with her slip by. he always comes out of it with blurred memories, and he’s not sure that he’ll remember this interaction in the way that it happened. the thought of that brings a small frown to his lips. “did you know?” he starts slowly, eyes opening once again, “when we were kids? did you know what was going on with me?” 

“ okay. ” she doesn’t press the issue further, not wanting to push him into anything he doesn’t want to do. still, part of her can’t help but wonder if she said too much or didn’t say enough. “ you don’t ever have to apologize to me. -— i know. ” and she does, in her own way, in ways he doesn’t yet know. “ we can work through it together. ” doubt grips her for a moment and she wonders if he’s better off with someone who knows what he’s going through implicitly, someone like city. she brushes a stray curl off his forehead, a hint of a smile ghosting on her lips. “ only if i get to be big spoon. ” 

“okay,” he whispers back, a feeling of defeat starting to settle in his chest. he wishes things weren’t this way. he doesn’t want to feel broken, to feel like a half-good boyfriend. he can’t help but think that his father is right, that she deserves someone better than him, someone more like his brother. someone who can take care of her and not fall apart every couple weeks. he’s too tired to voice any of that as he slides closer to her, eyes falling closed as she brushes the hair off of his forehead, “when i feel better i’m gonna take you on the best date you’ve ever had.” 

“it’s not fucking street meth, stop worrying,” city rolled her eyes. “just think of it super potent adderall.” although he didn’t say anything, she knew it probably freaked him out a little when she said it. “you can snort anything if you try hard enough,” she shrugged. as she leaned down and finished it off. “not really, i’m pretty sure she’s just fucking her psychiatrist. it’s a great way to get free drugs.” it was a strange paradox, the only good thing about her mother was also the thing that made her such a bad mother to being with. 

he shakes his head with a light chuckle, starting to relax a bit, “maybe i should try that. we could get some really good shit.” his mind flashes to scout for a moment, guilt starting to settle into his stomach. he shouldn’t be here doing this, not when he’s trying to get better, trying to start their relationship off on a good note- but he doesn’t exactly feel in control at the moment. “i’m not worried,” he says finally, “are you?” 

“don’t we all,” she muttered. while they had both done their fair share of narcotics, there were still a few things they hadn’t done. some lines they just didn’t cross. but here they were, diving into uncharted territory. “it’s meth,” she told him, before leaning down and snorting a line. “it’s from a doctor, so it doesn’t have like, rat poison in it or shit.”

its meth. great. he wishes he’d have known that before he put it in his body, but there’s no going back now. “didn’t even know you could snort meth,” he mumbles, closing his eyes and tilting his head back as he waits for it to kick in. a few moments pass before he’s leaning down again, mumbling a quick “fuck it” before he snorts another line, “they give your mom this shit?” 

the line of thought reminds scout of her own therapy sessions; fingers drumming nervously, whispered half hearted confessions. it had been her mom’s idea but it hadn’t lasted very long. after a few sessions, her parents had proclaimed her cured and whatever they had noticed was pushed under the rug. she nods, understanding his hesitation. “ it’s okay to ask for help, even when you feel like nothing’s wrong. maybe it would just feel better to talk to someone, or maybe there’s something they can recommend. but whatever you want to do, i’m here, baby.” she cups his cheek, her gaze soft. she wants to know everything that’s going on in his mind but she equally doesn’t ever want to be the cause of his discomfort. “ should i let you go back to sleep? i don’t wanna keep you up.”

ezra takes a shaky breath in at her suggestion, not wanting to refuse it right off the bat.  “yeah- i’ll think about it.” he’s scared to talk about it out loud, scared to dig deeper than the thoughts that seem to bubble to the surface every few weeks. his eyes break from her gaze as she cups his cheek, guilt once again settling into the pit of his stomach. before he can stop them he feels tears clinging to his eyelashes, his voice strained as he speaks again. “i’m sorry- i don’t want to be like this. i want to get better. i just- i don’t know if i can, i’ve been doing this for so long,” he takes a short breath, trying to reel his emotions back in, “maybe sleep would be good. can you stay?” 

city couldn’t help but smile as she crushed up the pills, grabbing a flat mirror and expertly cutting lines for the two of them. if either of them had been in their right minds, surely they would have stopped the other. but the best and worst thing about city and ezra together is that neither of them ever seemed to be in their right minds. “damn, you look like shit,” she laughed, even though she knew she looked just as bad considering she hadn’t slept in at least three days. “take the first like, you sure as shit could use it.”

he sits on the edge of her bed, watching her carefully. “yeah, well i feel like shit,” he shoots back, though there’s no bite behind his words, “you don’t exactly look fresh as a daisy either.” he rolls his eyes as he leans over the mirror, taking the line as easily has he had a few months prior- old habits die hard. he pulls back once he’s done, a hand coming up to rub at his nose, “you ever done this shit before?” 

@ezra-greene​

city opened her window like she said she would, before walking over to her bed and sitting down. it had been a while since she had gotten properly high with ezra, something besides just weed and coke. honestly she couldn’t remember what happened during most of their blackouts, but she knew they always had fun. quietly, she sat there, crushing up the pills in a small bowl, since snorting always lead to a quicker high. “worst case scenario, we die. best case, we wake up in milan with underwear on our head,” she said, hearing him without looking up.

there was no doubt in ezra’s mind that this was a very bad idea. getting high with city always led to both of them getting in trouble, and while it was always fun, coming down seemed to leave him worse off than he’d started. still, he was dying to feel anything other than the way he was feeling currently. he stopped to look in the mirror before he left, dark circles under his eyes, hair a mess and a hint of stubble growing over his cheeks. he didn’t bother to try and fix it, she’d seen him look worse. he made his way out of his own window over to hers, not saying anything as he slipped inside, “either way we get the fuck out of our heads for a little bit. i’d call that a win.”