Don't let the world bring you down.

But I’m also holding onto this lump of fear.

The internet is a mixed bag of both helpful and terrifying information. I get it, not every woman’s journey is a positive one. Bad things happen and sharing on the internet can help people feel less alone, but seeing things like “my baby doesn’t have a heartbeat” or “my first pregnancy was stillborn at 33 weeks”… fucking kill me.

Isn’t there a specific grief area where people can share those things? I don’t think I’m alone in feeling like I can’t hold space for that person’s grief while actively in a viable pregnancy. Now every pain, every day where I’m waiting for her to move, every eternity between doctor visits becomes a moment where I hold my breath. Is she ok in there?

I haven’t bought a single baby item because I’m afraid that she won’t make it. Something will go wrong and I won’t get to see my baby girl in that cute outfit. I’ll have to return the bassinet and the cloth diapers we were gifted. It’ll be my fault. I’m not drinking enough water or eating healthy enough. I’m not walking or exercising enough. I shouldn’t have pushed to get back on my meds because I knew there wasn’t enough research.

I’ve been googling and researching like crazy to get prepared and I want someone to share this stuff with. “Look at this!” “What do you think about this?” So on… I have my partner but not all men are tuned in the way a girlfriend would be.

I checked in with myself to see if I had been neglectful but I can honestly say I’ve tried. Calls and texts went unanswered, and voicemails possibly still not listened to.

There’s a couple that I met through my boyfriend and they’re both really sweet and nice and we get along with them. I’ve been trying to make an effort to get closer to the woman in the relationship and I’ve offered ideas to hang out on several occasions now, but she keeps avoiding alone time with me and will somehow swing my proposal into a couple date.

Most recently I bought her some longjohns/thermal underwear for under her clothes cause she’s going to upstate New York in a week. I haven’t been able to deliver them to her since I was busy with the holidays so I offered to take her out for a drink to celebrate her birthday and have a reason to go drop off the longjohns. She responded that she is no longer drinking because alcohol hasn’t been agreeing with her, but we could go to this food hall.

I responded, “sure, whatever you’d like” but really I was annoyed. It felt like the same old dodge of not wanting to hang out with me for some reason, but I took a breath and stopped myself from projecting. After a couple hours of thinking about it I figured I’d offer an alternative. I said, “I also know a lot of places serve mocktails, especially now that Dry January is popular or we could do tea. Just throwing out options but it’s your birthday treat so just no crazy pricey places lol”

2.5 years into living in Charlotte, I usually make about four trips home each year. I always feel pressure to make plans to show my face when I’m up north. The “be a good friend” part of me conflicts with just spending time at home with my mom and brother.

As an already introverted person, the first few times I did the texting, planning, coffee/lunch/dinner, house visit, etc. it was exhausting. Then I wittled it down to those who actually reach out and check on me out of the blue kinda thing. If I don’t hear from you outside of my “I’m in town” notices, then you don’t get to see me. I think I’m going to keep that going.

My one friend jokingly said that I was the glue that kept our friend group together. It bothered me and I couldn’t figure out why until recently. I don’t want to be the reason that people hang out, this isn’t some office party, show up to look like a team player thing…they should want to hang out with each other, regardless of whether I am involved. I should be the one opening social media and feeling jealous that I missed out on stuff, not the reason that stuff happens. 

I recently talked to my OB/GYN about conception (calm down, this is not an active thing, I’m just getting information from the source) and one of the things she mentioned was taking a prenatal vitamin, but make sure it doesn’t have iron. She gave me some recommendations and said you don’t have to get too fancy with expensive brands, but I still googled this and now my timeline is being flooded with all things prenatal.

I’m getting ads from different companies that gear towards prenatal and the pregnancy trimesters. I’m getting ads for baby products and carriers and diaper bags and it’s just a lot right now. This is obviously something that I want, but it’s not a reality yet so it just feels overwhelming and insensitive. What if I struggle to get pregnant or have health things happen that make it difficult for me? Obviously I want to be optimistic, but on my own time.

Each wanting to be heard and understood and each feeling like ships in the night. His priorities are not mine and in some ways I feel like prioritizing his needs reduces me. The access he desires from my body, the reassurance I desire from his.

Crazy that it’s been 4 years since the world was forced inside. Now I have to mindfully make an effort to go out.

The dogs help… but it’s also such a pain when I just want to stay in or when it’s raining or cold.

The temperature is staring to turn already. I feel it in the mornings and evenings. I like this part, the maybe a sweater or light jacket kinda days that go up to the 70s and back down.

Part of me wants to hit the lotto and pay everyone to fuck off. I’ll set my mom and grandma up with the bestest of care and comfort, but the rest can fuck alllllllll the way off the edge of the earth (jk jk).

I’m also thinking about the dick appointment waiting for me back in Charlotte. I’m trash but it’s been over three months so *shrug* can you blame me? I had 2 really good dates with the guy and the chemistry was good. We’ve been flirting via text and my body is ready.

I’ve noticed a lot of Aries men are single.

Trying not to get a dog just bc I’m lonely.

Also trying not [redacted].

I don’t know why my brain is having such a hard time with age. When I was 24 I dated a 30 year old, but now that I’m 34 I cringe at the idea of dating a 40 year old. Is it a maternal thing? Like “uh unh, you ain’t gonna be able to keep up. Or is it a mortality thing 👀. Or is it like skepticism, “but WHY are you still single at 40? What’s wrong with you?!”