I WAS AFRAID I'D EAT YOUR BRAINS.

         “Now, think about this, Wikipedia,” he starts. He’s got that TONE going that means something vicious is on the way. “Why would I let you go when I have a crush to hold over your head? Wouldn’t that make me a little bit of an idiot?”

That’s the only argument he’s got against this. I have a girlfriend. God forbid anybody finds out his girlfriend’s a lesbian, honestly. He’ll be fucked! He’ll have nobody to hide behind! That’s actually a giant fucking lie-- Melissa would be perfect to hide behind, even if she was out. Something tells him she’d hit Les square in the face. 

         “You don’t have a crush, do you? The ‘softness’ doing it for you?”

      ‘ Shut up. ’ Give him a second to have a bit of an internal panic. ‘ Please. ’ A beat. ‘ Sir. ’ If you look closely enough, you can actually see him screaming internally. For a whole multitude of reasons, too! Oh, man. Fucking wild, right? Fucking wild. ‘ Sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll fire myself, you’re right. ’

         “Whatever. Sure  —  yeah. That works. Go on.”

Cue the thumbs up Lesley won’t see. The glorified errand boy leaves the room and considers, not for the first time, quitting  his godawful, soul-sucking job.

         “Milk  —  and not actually decaf. I was just using that for a joke. And grab me something to eat while you’re at it, would you?”

       ‘ Like a sandwich or something? Or sushi, maybe? You want me to just-- surprise you or something? ’

         “Enough.” Lesley does enjoy listening to this kid talk, which is probably why he cuts him short. Gives his own brain a second to fire back up. Aaron’s had his fuck ups, but so many fewer than the other interns  —  and because they were actually incompetent, the bullying wasn’t much fun. “Move on to useless facts about you. I don’t know you.”

      ‘ Okay. I’m-- er, are you sure? Yeah, of course you’re sure. Okay. I’m left-handed, I keep losing my glasses at the zoo and now my girlfriend makes a a big deal out of taping them to my face as a joke. You see, she tapes right over my eyes? So I can’t see anything? It’s cute. At least, I think it’s cute. We’ve been dating for like five years. Uh-- I used to lie on the floor like this all the time when I was a kid. ’

         “Tell me one of those stories I don’t pay attention to,” he says. “Or list off a few useless facts  —  that could do it.”

      ‘ Okay, ’ he nods. It’s not like he’d ever not do something Lesley asked him to, is it? ‘ In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal for a husband to kiss his wife on Sundays. One in fourteen women in America is a natural blonde. Only one in sixteen men is. In the 40's, the Bich pen was changed to Bic for fear that Americans would pronounce it 'Bitch.' Uh. The average human blinks their eyes 6,205,000 times each year-- ’

Tricky spot for you here, Aaron. Either tell him now that he’s lookin’ kinda chubby or wait for the benefit and take shit publicly.

        ‘ Mr Causer I, uh-- I don’t think it’s the clothes. Not that that’s even a bad thing I mean, I know I like a guy who’s a little soft. ’ Oh, god, that sounded gay. ‘ I mean, not in a gay way, just in like-- a-- heterosexual, dudes supporting dudes way. Chicks love soft guys your age. Totally. Only 20-year-olds get away with the being shredded stuff. ’

    ❛ why not, ain’t got anythin’ better t’do with my time. ❜

       ‘ Did you know China has more English speakers than the United States? ’

         “Lie with me. I feel like fucking ridiculous down here.”

       ‘ Um. ’ Long pause. He can’t tell if this is serious or not. Eventually, he does as he’s told and lies down on the floor-- and, hey, this is kind of relaxing. Not the point where he’ll undo his tie, though. ‘ Tough day? ’