thoughts

“I haven’t fallen for you,” I tell myself every time you pop into my head. I keep reassuring myself that I’m just bored and in need of someone to help pass time, but I can’t help the way the stupid little smiles that just creep onto my face whenever you say something that I find adorable. I can’t help that you’re the first person I want to tell everything to. I can’t help that I find myself looking forward to our next conversation. I can’t help that I find myself intrigued by you, and it sucks. Because I’ve spent so much time building up my walls to guard myself from this foolish feeling, yet you managed to tumble them down so easily as if I made them merely out of paper.

I don't want to get to know what's merely on the surface. I don't want to get to know the side of you that you show everyone - the one filled with laughter, jokes and happiness. I want to find out about what keeps you up at night. I want to find out about your broken heart, your scars and your flaws. I want to find out about your deepest fears. I want to get to know every side of you there is, no matter how unlikable you think it may be. I'm genuinely intrigued by your character and there's just something about you that lures me to wanting to find out more about you. I'm not going to leave you after you open up to me. In fact, I'm willing to stay with you and still care for you despite all your mistakes and flaws. Let me be the one.

I despise mornings. But if I were to wake up beside you - my face snuggled into your chest, my leg over your torso, the warmth of your body radiating to me, I would love mornings. If I were to see the morning sun kissing your cheeks, you stretching yourself when you get out of bed, hearing you sing in the shower when you're getting ready for the day, I would not dread mornings. If I were to have you kissing my forehead, telling me "Good morning, love," with your sleepy face and half-awake eyes, I would actually believe that mornings are indeed good.

I wish that I could stop being a coward and muster up the courage to tell you how I really feel. I wish that I could have the guts to go up to you and tell you how much you mean to me. You will never feel the same about me as I do for you, so why bother? It's not me, it never will be. After all, who am I? I'm nothing extraordinary. I'm yet just another friend that you will occasionally ask how I'm doing and probably vent about the girl you actually care for. What qualities do I have that outshine those she has? I know that in a heartbeat, you would choose her over me. It's always how it's been. You could go through your days without having a conversation with me and you'd be fine. However, I'm just so head over heels for you. Even the smallest conversations with you is enough to put me on cloud nine and make me feel like the luckiest person on the planet, but I'll never be the one who is on the receiving end of your affection. I'll never be the one whom you dedicate your undivided attention to. I will never be the one.

I can feel myself changing. I wish I could say that it's a good change but I feel myself turning into the person I once swore I would never be. I'm becoming that hateful person who despises everyone and has a negative mindset. I'm becoming that person everyone dislikes for being such a Debbie Downer. I'm becoming that person full of anger and hatred - the one who gets mad over the smallest things, the one who will snap at a completely innocent person who was just looking out for my well-being and asked how life has been treating me lately. People ask me why I've been so cold and distant lately but I don't know how to express myself in a comprehensible manner anymore. I'm a mess. There's a madness in my head which I'm trying to fight all by myself. I just want to be happy. I want to be able to laugh until my stomach hurts. I don't want to be faking a laugh just to keep people off my back. I want to be genuinely happy. I don't like who I am now.

"I never loved you," you spat at me distastefully. How can you say that you faked your love for me when our stomachs were practically hurting from all the laughing we did over the stupidest jokes? How can you say that when you would tell me you wanted to marry me in the future and you would wanted to show me off to your family? How can you say that when you would tease me over the little things but then kiss me and told me you loved me? How can you say that when you would send me random text messages telling me you missed me when I was asleep or occupied? How can you say that, when the way you looked at me was something decipherable to be adoration and love? Tell me that you've lost feelings for me, but don't tell me you never felt anything for me, because the way you held my hand and comforted me when I was upset isn't something a person would do for someone they supposedly never loved.

You knew I was such a hopeless fool for you and you took that to your advantage. You used me and you never once put in place how I felt. You told me you loved me, but who are you kidding? We both know that there’s someone else that you actually care for. We both know that I’ll never be the one who you call at 4 A.M when you want someone to talk to. We both know that I’ll never be the one whom you randomly text “I love you so much” in the middle of the day. I’ve spent sleepless nights mourning about the fact that I’ll never be your priority, but I’ve had enough. Even everyone has their own limits, no matter how vulnerable they may appear. Tell me that you want me to stay, and I will. If not, it is best that I quit burdening you. Until then, I shall bid my farewell.

Where were you when I needed you the most? Where were you when I was on my knees on the bathroom floor, gasping for breath? Where were you when I whispered to the mirror "I don't deserve this kind of treatment," with my bloodshot red eyes and tear-stained cheeks? Where were you when I was practically forcing myself to get out of bed and carry on with my daily routine without your presence? Where were you when I begged for you to forgive me, asking you for a second chance, for something that I never did? Where were you when I was staining the pillow case with my tears - hugging my bolster tightly, pretending that the bolster was you by my side comforting me, kissing my forehead and telling me that you would never leave me? Now, you're the one in my position and I'm saying sorry for being the cause of your breakdown, telling you that I would never even think of leaving you, despite you never once turning to look in my direction during the course of my self-destruction.

Sometimes, I wonder if you ever cared for me at all. Did you? You act like you couldn't care less about me. You act like if you saw me crying and begging on my knees for you to stay, you would laugh at me and tell me I never meant anything to you. You act like I'm an invisible sheet of paper - simply looking through me like I don't exist. That's what I am. I'm a sheet of paper. I'm someone that you can easily crush, and when you try to fix me back to my original version, there will always be the creases you left on me. Your words that could hurt and kill me, leaving me crying myself to sleep every night, and when you apologize to me about what you said I may act like it's perfectly fine but there'll always be remnants of the words you said scarred in me.

No matter how much I act like I don't care about you, you'll always have this soft spot in my heart no one else has the privilege of having. You'll always be the only one that has the ability to make or break me. You're the only one that can make me laugh until my stomach hurts, yet also the only one that can make me cry until my tears run dry. You're my motivation that gets me through the day, no matter how badly I just want to collapse and give it all up. You're the first person I want to tell everything in my life to - the funny joke I heard someone saying to their friend, something new I learnt today which I thought would interest you, or an incident that pissed me off earlier on. You're one of the best things that has ever happened to me, yet you're totally unaware of how strong I feel for you.