Everything + Nothing Important

Tired of feeling lost.

Tired of the noise.

Tired of my anxieties.

Tired of my fears.

Tired of the pain.

Tired of drifting.

Tired of being tired.

but sometimes waiting for notes, replies, reblogs, likes , etc. overshadows the joy. I’m working on it though.

My whole life I was told what I was not, or more accurately what I was not enough of:

-not pretty enough

-not skinny enough

-not sociable enough

-not outgoing enough

-not smart enough

-not good enough

-not tall enough

-not talented enough

-not strong enough

-not brave enough

-not ______ enough

The word that fills the blank doesn’t matter. The meaning remains the same, I was told I was not enough. And if I got upset when being told this, I was not strong enough. I was being “ridiculous”, “childish”, “silly”. I was “overreacting”. 

NO.

NO, I wasn’t! 

Do you know what it’s like to have your parents tell you that you are not enough for your dream? It hurts a whole fucking lot. I don’t care if the dream was unrealistic…. Someone has to be a singer, an actress, a musician, an artist, a banker, a doctor, a lawyer, and so on… why can’t it be me? Why can’t it be you? 

Why do we always focus on what we aren’t instead of what we are?

Maybe I was all of those things, but that is all I ever took away. That’s why I am who I am. That’s why I’m lost. I don’t know who I am. I know who everyone thinks I am and expects me to be… but is this really me… or is this just who they made me? I feel a whole lot of “not enough”. 

If there is one thing I could go back and tell myself it is that “you are enough”. Maybe I’m not enough for someone else, but they don’t matter. I matter. And I’ve never felt like I mattered before. That might sound dramatic, and I am sure I do matter to some people, but it is honestly how I have always felt, and to me, that made it real. 

I wish I could go back and tell myself that she is beautiful, even if she doesn’t look like the girls in the magazine. I want to tell myself that she is smart, even if she isn’t the smartest person in the class; she is brilliant. I want to tell myself that she doesn’t need to be completely extroverted, that one day there will be a place for introverts too. I want to tell myself that she is perfect the way she is and that maybe if she believed these things, my life would be different? Better? More? 

Although, I guess things could always get worse? You know… it could be raining… though let’s be real, how many of us actually love the rain? *raises hand immediately*. I LOVE the rain. It is one of the most beautiful sounds, smells, and sights. It calms me and helps me find rest. I wish it were raining now.  

Alas, I digress. I will never know what my life could be now, had I been reminded of all the things I was, instead of what I wasn’t enough of... All I can do is hope that I can be that encouraging voice for another child, be the one who tells them they are valued just the way they are… they are enough. I hope you know, you are enough too, dear reader. If no one told you today. You. Are. Enough!

This is the story of a girl… a girl who thought she could get everything she wanted if she believed in it hard enough… that’s not what this story is about. This story didn’t play out quite as she expected, I should know because I am that girl. I look around at my life and I wonder, how did I get here? How is this my life? Is this all there is? Where do I go from here?

Maybe you’ve asked yourself some of these questions. Maybe, like me, you feel your life has never turned out the way you expected.

The way I see it, I can accept it and realize that the humdrum of existence is my life. Or I can do something about it. 

My whole life, I hoped that dreaming and wishing and working hard would get me to where I wanted to go. Don’t get me wrong, I did get to some places, but I want more. I’ve always wanted more. I guess I’m like Sharpey in that way.

When we are children we dream big and we are encouraged to do so. 

“The Sky’s the Limit”

“Shoot for the Stars”

“The only limit is your imagination”

“Nothing is impossible if you believe in it”

But, where did that get us? For some of us, maybe that worked out, maybe you have the life you want. Though, I would wager that if you are reading this, that is not how you feel. 

Don’t worry, that’s not how I feel either. Though, I imagine that much was clear. 

I don’t really know what this is going to be. I don’t really have a plan, but I saw a Benjamin Franklin quote recently that said, “either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.”

I don’t know if this will be either of those things, but  I need to do something, so what do I have to lose?

Plus, there is a level of comfort from sharing your heart with total strangers only to be lost in the infinite anonymity of Tumblr. Sure there are trolls and haters, but first they’d have to find this and second, they’d have to care enough to even respond. I don’t see that happening. But, you never know, prove me wrong. 

So if you haven’t figured out yet, this is sort of a stream of consciousness blog. I feel I’ve tried being poised and well written before, but I need a change. I need a place to just be open and honest with myself (and apaprently all of you) without fear… so maybe the point of this is simply therapy. My therapy. What does that mean for you, dear reader, (if such a reader happens upon this), then, I don’t know. There is a lot that I don’t know, and in that, for at least this moment, it’s kind of exciting. Maybe that is something you can relate to? Maybe I’m just talking to myself? If that’s the case, I’m okay with that. I’m okay with whatever this is because it’s mine and its everything and nothing important. 

leave your troubles far behind

just look up toward the sky

close your eyes and just listen.

for the world is calling out

This is neither a fandom blog nor my personal blog. It’s a blog for stuff I wanna talk about that may either be personal or fandom related that I don’t want to discuss on my other blogs. a blank slate.