❛❛❜⠀꽃 ི۪۪۪ 🐏 ྀ۪۪۪ 𓈒 ֹ⠀❜❜

summer 2022.

alysa promised herself that she wouldn't waste a single day of her life anymore.

wouldn't waste it letting somebody living through her, doing something she no longer found joy in and even worse, letting it consume her life.

she was tired of skating being the thing defining her as a person, so she sought out to do everything she could never do when she was still skating.

now that 12 hours at the rink wasn't her default and she regained her autonomy, everything around her seemed so overwhelming.

she wanted to experience school in person.

she wanted to go on vacation.

she wanted to hang out with friends.

to hike.

to go to parties.

to regain control over her own body — to learn what it's like for your mind and body to be connected instead of your mind being something wandering far away while your body was just a vessel used to accomplish dreams she wasn't sure were hers anymore.

this newfound freedom was overwhelming — like your eyes finally being opened after years of relying on other senses, and all of a sudden you were left with no choice but to cope with the strange sensation of the sun burning your eyes because living life in darkness was exhausting.

so she decided to make a bucket list.

even before her retirement, alysa had regularly daydreamed about what a normal life would be like.

each step sequence, each spin, each water break, each lunch break was spent looking out the windows and envying those who got to experience normal life or wondering what it would be like to join them.

she imagined herself laughing with friends during classes.

rotting in bed with her siblings.

walking her dog.

hiking.

hanging out with friends in any place that wasn't the rink.

getting to experience the wind bite her skin and her being present enough to experience it.

each moment she became more and more aware of the fact she was living her life on autopilot.

how she'd been letting everybody dictate what her body does and how her mind works.

how she couldn't remember the last time she felt one with her body.

the last time anything felt real and not like part of some sick nightmare.

when she realized she was not familiar with the world past rinks, gyms, competitions, flights, and medals she did not care about while everybody else around her got to do all these things that gave them this sparkle in their eyes alysa lacked, her world came crumbling down.

it was like all these people knew something she didn't, and she craved to find out everything there was to know about the world.

retirement was followed by immediate pushback by her dad and those in the skating world, but she no longer cared.

nobody could convince her to go back to what took eleven years of her life, eleven years she wasn't sure what she learnt from.

she went hardcore trying to salvage what was remaining of her childhood.

one of the ways she did so was by begging her dad to let her go to a summer camp she saw an ad for, and when he saw those puppy eyes staring back at him, of course he said yes.

so here she was, packing a suitcase she could barely zip up.

she impatiently counted down until the day of the trip, marking the date on her calendar with little doodles of waves and sunglasses.

⋆⋆⋆

the night of the trip, alysa couldn't sleep. she knew she should, because the bus ride would be 8 hours long with a few stops to visit some landmarks, but the excitement buzzing in her bones would not let her close her eyes for longer than a few seconds.

instead, she stared at her ceiling, clutching a plushie while thinking about what she was going to do for two whole weeks where she could just relax.

usually camps meant more intensive training. dance lessons, skating lessons and whatnot. she never heard “camp” and thought “vacation”.

she looked into all the activities organized by the camp she would be attending the next day.

she looked at the place it was held at, looked at the itinerary, and each click got her more and more excited.

the morning of the trip, she barely ate.

her entire body was buzzing with nerves.

she counted down the minutes until she would go to the spot where all the kids would get picked up by the bus.

she thought about the people she'd meet.

would she make any new friends?

would someone recognize her?

the drive to the spot felt too long.

she was good at entertaining herself during car rides, having getting used to them long ago, but somehow she couldn't keep still on this thirty minute ride.

“how long until we're there?!”

“do you think i’ll get a window seat?”

“i wonder if ‘ill have a roomie! do you think we'd get along?”

“i packed my camera, right?”

at some point, alysa's dad begged her to just quiet down and let him focus on the road, but alysa did not budge and kept her wave of questions coming.

when she stepped out of the car, she ran a few strides towards the bus until her dad yelled at her to get her suitcase.

she laughed, grabbing the handle and giving her father a quick hug before running back to the bus.

immediately, she felt an unfamiliar feeling creep up in her chest.

she was shy.

she looked at the kids around her, and she couldn't get herself to make a peep.

when she got on the bus, everybody found a seatmate, and alysa was left to sit alone.

she got her window seat, but at what cost?

“so much for making friends,” she muttered, putting her headphones back on.

as she was scrolling through her playlist, looking for some song to cheer her up, she felt a tap on her shoulder.

“um, is it okay if i sit here..?” you asked in that meek tone alysa would soon grow fond of.

for a second, she forgot how to speak.

“yeah!” she said, her tone a bit too high pitched for her liking, making her mentally slap herself at how stupid she felt.

she noticed your eyes darting to her headphones and phone, a little nervous — not used to having eyes on her outside of competition.

for once, somebody saw a teenage girl. not the skating prodigy. just alysa.

“what music do you listen to?” you asked with a smile, gesturing towards her playlist.

alysa handed you her phone, letting you scroll through it. her face lit up when you pointed to some of the artists on there and exclaimed “oh my god, i listen to them too!”, unaware of the huge, half-crooked grin forming on her face.

“really?” she asked, “show me your playlist!!”

you immediately pulled your phone out of your pocket, opening your music app and showing her all your playlists.

alysa could barely contain her excitement, leaning over your shoulder to look at your playlist.

as she was leaning over, she forgot what she was doing and accidentally ended up resting her chin on your shoulder.

once you finished showing off your music taste, you turned to her to ask for her opinion..and you saw her resting on your shoulder like she belonged there.

before you knew it, a blush was creeping up your face, and when alysa realized what was happening, she pulled back and started apologizing, that hint of nervousness returning in her voice.

“no, its okay!” you insisted, “you don't have to pull away.”

her eyes softened upon hearing your voice take on that reassuring tone, scooching closer to you, leaning her head against yours.

you didn't even notice the bus’ engine starting or the bus beginning its journey, too entranced by the feeling of her soft hair brushing against your skin, her scent holding a note of something soft and comforting.

you leaned back against her, a shaky sigh escaping you.

you heard a small, shy voice.

“do you want to listen to music together?” alysa asked, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt, her question eliciting a smile from you.

you held out your earphones, gesturing for her to put one in.

she put on some slow, warm song, helping to release some of her nerves.

it wasn't long until you found alysa's hand resting on your stomach, her breathing evening out as sleep took her, soft snores coming out of her while she found comfort in your presence.

whenever your gaze wasn't lingering on the girl resting on your shoulder, it was focused on the world passing by outside of the bus window.

you didn't know much about alysa — only that you had a similar music taste and her seemingly shy personality.

it was then that you realized you didn't even know her name.

you were so lost in yapping each other's ears off about music that you forgot to introduce yourselves.

“oh,” you muttered under your breath, trying not to wake her.

you realized how good her hand felt on you.

how right her presence felt.

how her scent comforted you.

how you had to hold yourself back from staring into those deep brown eyes whenever she spoke.

how for once, you didn't feel some sort of impending doom or anxiety whenever you let yourself get comfortable.

every now and then, she would mutter something in her sleep, wrap her arm tighter around you, or make some sleepy noise you wouldn't dare admit you found adorable.

when the speakers turned on and the guide announced that you would be stopping for food, you noticed how alysa flinched at the noise. how her eyes practically shot open.

“you good?” you asked, squeezing her arm.

“yes.” she answered, but it felt robotic. too quick.

“we're stopping for food.” you said, keeping your tone soft, your thumb now tracing patterns on her arm.

“okay.”

you went to this small but cozy restaurant. immediately upon entering the place, alysa held her hand out and clung to the cuff of your sleeve, too shy to take your hand.

ordering your respective meals, she found some cozy spot in the corner of the restaurant and sat across from you.

you could tell she avoided eye contact. she kept looking at your hoodie. at the floor, at her plate. at anything but your eyes. and when your eyes did land on each other, you swore you saw the tip of her ears take on a shade of red.

when she tried to get your attention to show you the cat staring at you from the window, only then did she realize that she didn't know your name.

“i didn't get your name,” her voice was shy, hesitant. “im alysa.”

“im y/n.” you smiled, “alysa suits you. its a beautiful name.”

“you think so?” her eyes widened ever so slightly as she spoke, that familiar shade of red returning to the tip of her ears.

“yeah.”

you finished the last bits of your food before taking a second to really just look at her.

the moles around her nose.

her hair.

everything about her captivated you.

you had to know more.

so you immediately flooded her with questions.

“what's your favourite color?”

“what made you sign up for this camp?”

“what school do you go to?”

“what grade are you in?”

“do you like cats or dogs?”

“where do you come from?”

“do you do sports?”

“where do you buy your clothes?”

and just about anything you could think of. hell, you were ready to ask her if she preferred dusk or dawn, anything to understand her mind well enough that you knew it like your own.

the conversation seemed to flow effortlessly for hours on end until you finally arrived to your destination.

when it came time to get assigned rooms, you practically begged the person at the desk to give you a room for two, holding hands and pleading with them to give in to your demand.

as soon as you got your key, you clipped it onto your carabiner and immediately started skipping towards your room.

you watched her loosen up.

her smile grow.

her laugh take on this newfound freedom.

her voice get louder, no longer sounding apologetic for simply existing.

each second spent with her, you felt more and more things click into place.

you felt the air shift into something comfortable.

when you arrived to your room, there were two beds, only separated by a nightstand which was quickly moved to some corner of the room and forgotten.

alysa pushed the beds together and gestured for you to lay down.

she took her camera out of her bag and showed you the pictures she took — a collection of pictures she took of you without your knowledge, pictures she took of the sky, of the wildlife you encountered each stop, pictures of you together, smiling, the spark in your eyes bright as ever.

she leaned her head on your shoulder yet again, something that would become a habit of hers.

it was made clear to you that you were her safe space.

you didn't understand why she flinched whenever she heard the intercom, why she avoided the topic of sports, why she looked at food as something to be feared and affection as something to be earned and given in small measures.

still, you stayed with her through it all.

tucked strands of hair behind her ear.

held her a little tighter when she went quiet.

laughed louder to encourage her to get out of her shell.

supported her little photography endeavours.

encouraged her to talk about her interests and drank in the sight of her face lighting up each time she realized you were genuinely interested in everything that she had to say.

there were some nights where you joined the rest of the group and spoke with them, and each night, without fail, you found alysa's arm wrapped around yours.

some kids would even make playful jabs at you two — would call you a married couple, ask you when's the wedding or if you got baby names planned out.

you watched the blush on her face gradually make itself more known every time they made such a comment, and more often than not, you failed to contain your giggles, a sound she would do anything to hear on repeat for hours on end.

on the third night of camp, you woke up in the middle of the night only to see her wrapped up around you.

despite the scorching july heat, you let her stay like that, because you wanted a better look at her face. how peaceful she looked. how her hair was this shade of brown that bordered on black. how her moles formed a little constellation, and how a new one was forming.

you didn't know that this was a rare sight. that alysa had spent so much of her life in fight or flight and never truly resting, all you knew was that this was a sight you wanted to take in every night, one you wanted etched into your brain, one that felt right, that gave your eyes purpose that wasn't just survival — even though you started thinking that part of survival included alysa in it.

even though you had eleven days left, you couldn't help but miss alysa already.

every day, when you weren't laughing so hard that you were convinced one day you'll wake up with abs, or when you weren't taking silly pictures together and instead forced to keep quiet and sit with yourself, you thought of how she became part of your routine, a part you were sure you couldn't live without.

you were terrified of losing this newfound sense of peace and belonging, so each night, you clung onto her, completely ignoring the heat biting at your skin and instead focusing on the feeling of her fingertips brushing against the bare skin exposed after your shirt rode up.

the day the water warmed up enough for everybody to go for a swim, alysa made sure she took enough pictures of you at the beach that her sd card was nearing full capacity, the paint on her shutter button beginning to peel away.

sometimes she would join you — you'd play mermaids, like you were six and not sixteen, or she would splash you in the face just to hear you laugh and attempt to tackle her in the water.

she hid behind her photography as an excuse to look into your face, she would say “you're just..so photogenic” or “please, this would look perfect”. sometimes, when you were posing, she would deliberately stare at the display for a second longer than needed before pressing the shutter.

she herself didn't know how gone she was for you until you joked about having a crush on some guy during a game of spin the bottle at a random get together the group organized.

you had gotten dared to kiss him, which you refused — all of a sudden just the thought of him seemed to disgust you.

you noticed how alysa looked at your face.

her lips were slightly parted, and her eyes had taken on this glassy look, almost pleading with you to not do it.

you didn't understand why it made your chest ache.

why alysa had become synonymous with love in your mind.

why you felt nauseous each time you imagined her with a boyfriend.

why you hated talking about the future because it somehow always included a husband and kids.

the next few days after that night felt different.

the air was a little more charged, and without realizing, you had become more possessive of each other.

alysa stopped letting you out of her sight — not that she ever really did, but now she became more serious about enforcing this new, unwritten rule.

she wanted to make sure you were her number one.

every time he was near you, she tugged at the cuff of your sleeve or sometimes, if she was feeling bold, reached for your hand.

she began to notice how you seemed to reciprocate it.

how you would deliberately try to keep her to yourself.

for a bit, neither of you knew what was happening, let alone why it was happening.

both of you just thought that this was what really close friends do.

that feeling jealousy churn in your chest each time the other mentioned a love interest was completely normal.

that there was absolutely nothing unusual about staring at each other's lips and getting dangerously close to kissing, or waking up with limbs tangled around one another.

nothing unusual about wearing each other's clothes, or whispering “i’d marry you if i could.” when someone thought the other wasn't hearing.

it was only on the last night did she finally admit her feelings for you.

⋆⋆⋆

her thumb reached up to trace circles on your cheek, her free arm moving to pull you closer.

you had tried to fall asleep, but to no avail. you had said your goodnights and you had closed your eyes, but sleep just didn't seem so eager to envelope you in its embrace like it usually did.

was it the nerves from leaving the next day, you did not know. all you knew was that there was a pretty girl holding you close and that your heartbeat was going a mile an hour.

that night you had went to a nearby park with her and some of your camp friends, where you had gotten tipsy off of some cheap alcohol one of the kids convinced a stranger on the street to buy for them.

she had a little too much, misjudging her tolerance, and immediately stepped out of her shell.

she instantly went back to the alysa the others close to her knew — the bold, confident alysa.

she wrapped her arms around your waist, tangled her fingers in your hair, jokingly called you her wife, would kiss your cheek, all obvious enough for everybody around you to notice.

“you know, at this point just get together!”

“yeah, you should date!”

kids shouted while giggling, entertained by the blush attacking your face.

“we would if we weren't girls!” alysa retorted, now giggling herself, unaware of the pain gnawing at your chest.

“that doesn't matter!” a kid shouted back.

“but how can girls be with girls?”

“just like that! just date already!”

you could feel alysa's heartbeat rapidly speed up, thumping in her ribcage.

she laughed nervously.

this — the concept of two girls dating, being in love — was very new to her.

she wasn't sure why whenever dating came up, it was you who she thought of.ervously.

later that night, one of the girls from your group sat with her when you went to use the bathroom.

“do you like her?” the girl wasted no time sugarcoating it, allowing herself to be blunt.

by then, the alcohol had completely worn off. alysa was sober. she could not blame what she said on the cheap drinks.

the conversation quickly shifted to another topic, but the air between you and alysa remained charged with something neither of you were willing to admit.

later that night, when you went to use the bathroom, a girl sat next to alysa, giving her a knowing look.

“you like her.” she stated bluntly, not bothering to sugarcoat any of it.

“what?” alysa answered, almost choking on air as she spoke.

“you heard me. you are in love with her. you're practically sewn to her. admit it to yourself and then to her.”

as soon as those words came out of the girl's mouth, alysa saw the bathroom door opening, and it wasn't long before you reclaimed your spot next to her, the topic changing once more before alysa could fully process her feelings.

you sat next to alysa, shoulders brushing for a brief moment until you gave in and let your head rest on her shoulder, too tired to hold in the need for affection.

the girl next to you sat up and went back to her group, giving you both a knowing look — one that you didn't notice, but alysa did.

the rest of the night was spent talking about everyone's plans after camp, and during everyone's input, alysa couldn't help but steal glances at you, her mind immediately drifting and becoming hyper aware of the fact that soon, you would be separated, and that this was your final night where you could be next to each other every waking second.

underneath the stoic, “im listening” expression, was a girl who was quietly spiraling, not ready to remove you from her daily routine.

so when it was time for everybody to go back to their respective rooms, alysa swallowed as soon as she felt the lump in her throat growing.

you, completely oblivious to all of this, yawned and tugged at her sleeve, letting her know you were ready to sleep.

the walk to your room felt far too long for her liking, and her tense energy started to affect you too. this kind of tense silence was unlike her.

you tried to fill it with small talk. shallow, light conversations. safe ground.

you tried to ignore it.

you didn't acknowledge the suffocating tension, just went through the motions — unlocked the door, changed into pajamas, did your nightly routine, and laid on your side of the bed.

alysa did the same. she herself wasn't sure what was going on at that point, but she was too lost in thought to really do anything about it.

she wondered what this feeling was — how she was so drawn to you, how a world without you in it seemed almost terrifying, how she wanted to be as close as possible, to crawl into your ribcage and keep your heart hostage.

“wonder” is the wrong word to use here, because alysa knew. she knew when that girl told her. but she kept trying to find other explanations. kept trying to convince herself that she had not completely fallen for you. that these two weeks were not spent completely pining over you.

so, when the time to go to bed finally came, this time, she did not initiate any touch, because she had begun overthinking every little move she made.

instead, you were the one who hugged her, who rested your head on her chest, right where you belonged, and you could've sworn that you could've felt her heart beat a little faster than usual.

for a minute, you just let yourself bask in this feeling. her arms and her warmth had been everything you craved for the past two weeks, and the only thing that seemed to bring some sort of purpose in your life, something to look forward to every day.

alysa spoke first, in a shaky voice that gave out how nervous she was.

“will you miss me? i mean.. when summer camp is over..”

“i think it would be really hard not to miss you.”

“youre implying that you'll try not to miss me?” she questions, a pout forming on her face.

“no, silly. i mean.. we are going to stay in touch, right? and-and i mean really in touch. we will update each other about our lives..and we'll hang out.”

“but im scared i wont be able to let go. for the past few weeks you have been, well..my everything.. and i will really miss cuddling you.”

she sighed before speaking again.

“i’ve been thinking, if.. about, what we're doing.”

“what are we doing?”

“thats the question.”

“i dont follow.” you said, slightly tilting your head.

“see- i mean, its just- you know. we..do all these things, like, we kiss each other's cheeks and we cuddle to sleep and hold hands everywhere and always sit together and.. and i dont know if that's… friends stuff..”

alysa avoided eye contact while she spoke, something you noticed happened alot everytime she felt nervous or insecure in her words.

“w-well..” her words had you stumped. there were a few beats of silence where you weren't sure what to say, because you knew she was right. you knew this was not your average sister like friendship. this was far more than that. “i.. don't understand..”

“i think i like you.”

alysa's words were strained. you could tell she was feigning confidence and doing a very poor job at it.

“what do you mean?”

“i meant what i said. i have a crush on you.”

it sounded like she was working on accepting it as well — but this time her words were steadier.

“but im a girl.”

the confusion in your tone confused alysa further. both of you knew of queer couples and had discussed it before. but it felt like something you only ever saw in books or movies — not something in your everyday life.

“okay? and?”

“can girls crush on girls?”

“...yes?”

“wait.. wait what?”

“yeah.”

“how does it.. feel?”

she felt slightly frustrated with you for shifting the topic.

“like a normal crush.”

“how does a normal crush feel?* you asked, still oblivious.

“gosh, it doesn't matter! what matters is i have a crush on you. i want to kiss you, to go on dates with you, to live with you, i want to marry you.”

alysa blurted the words out without much thought, simply wanting to get the point across. her frustration was getting to her, and it was becoming evident in her tone.

that's when it began to click for you.

when you understood what all the late night cuddling was, the sweet nothings whispered in one anothers ear, and the constant need for physical affection and reassurance, you were at a loss of words, struggling to get any sound to come out of your mouth.

“so thats a crush.” you choked out.

“yes.”

by now her hands had found their spot cupping your cheeks, forcing you to look at every single emotion in her eyes.

“then..” you trail off, but alysa's burning gaze urges you to go on. “then i have a crush on you too.”

alysa's eyes widened upon hearing your confession, her grip on you faltering for a fraction of a second before tightening again.

“you're lying.” she spoke, her eyes desperately searching yours, praying she finds certainty.

“no, no i’m not.”

you spoke in a calm tone — in comparison to earlier anyway. you made it clear that you were sure. that there was no hesitation behind your words.

“so we've liked eachother this entire time, and no one's said anything?!”

she almost sounded mad — the frustration and uncertainty from the last two weeks were getting to her.

her bewildered tone elicited a small, nervous laugh out of you.

“in my defense i didn't know what it was called.” you threw your hands up, signaling innocence.

despite herself, alysa found a giggle escaping her throat. “ofcourse you didnt, idiot.”

she leaned in, pressing a quick, teasing peck to your nose — not thinking much of it until she felt your cheeks rapidly heat up under her touch.

“aw, is someone flustered?” she teased, which earned her a flick to the forehead and a pout on your face that she did not try to hide her adoration for.

she rubbed the spot where you flicked, giggling all the way through.

as the giggling subsided, a comfortable silence took over.

her hands still rested on each side of your face, gently cradling it.

for a few seconds, all you did was simply look in each other's eyes.

you took the time to admire her deep brown eyes and how they crinkled at the corners, and she took the time to admire yours.

for a brief moment, your gaze would escape to her lips, and so would hers to yours.

when alysa caught on, she smiled, rubbing your cheek with her thumb, speaking in a voice so soft, you were sure it could heal any wound.

“can i?”

“please.” you swallowed.

and with that, she leaned in, carefully closing the distance between you.

the kiss was soft — a reflection of her soul, of how much she cherished you. it was slow and careful, not rushed, and the desperation took shape as gentleness instead of a frantic pace.

when you finally broke apart, alysa held you tight enough to assure herself you would stay right here, in her arms, where you belong.

she pressed the same soft kisses to the top of your head that she did every night, only this time she knew what it meant.

you found yourself melting into her embrace as usual, your breathing already slowing down, signaling the exhaustion that was taking over you.

when alysa realized, she shifted your position to something more comfortable, her fingers now carding through your hair.

still, you did not fall asleep. you wanted to savor this moment as much as possible, because you knew that it was uncertain whether you would ever feel this type of safety ever again.

despite your effort to remain awake, alysa's soothing touches effectively did their job at lulling you to a peaceful sleep.

the last thing you remember before falling asleep was alysa pressing the softest kiss to your temple and shifting your face to rest in the crook of her neck.

you could've sworn you heard an “i love you” come out of her mouth, but alysa would never admit that.