nothing is permanent

“Are you saying I’m better than Google? Because that’s probably the best compliment I’ve ever received” And Amelia had received a lot of compliments during her life. “Maybe you shouldn’t commit to anything and you should allow yourself an exploring time, like…go and sign up for every single class there is, try them all, and you stick with the one you enjoyed the most? You don’t have to know what you want at once, it’s okay to take your time and try things”

“You’re totally better than Google.” Ethan laughed --- she supposed it was a pretty good compliment. Google was a lifesaver, after all. “That’s great advice. Damn, where have you been all my life?” Amelia was right. There was no need to make a commitment. The great thing about not knowing what you wanted was having the option to test the waters. “So, what kind of things do you do in your spare time?”

Amelia gave it a thought before replying. “I think ballerina wouldn’t count as a hobby because it would actually demand more time and dedication. Like a dance career, you know? A hobby should be something you do on your free time to relax, like… I don’t know, painting? Or dance lessons, but not like, fully professional ballerina dance type. A book reading club? Volunteering at a pet shop or something?”

“That’s a fair point.” Ethan hadn’t considered that side of it. Of course, she hadn’t considered ballet as a serious option in the first place. “Oh, wow. You are so much better than any stupid internet article I found.” She mulled each suggestion over. “Painting... I’m sure there’s a place offering classes... or one of those paint ‘n sip things, they could be fun. Hip-hop dance, then? Or... what other genres of dance are there? Book club could either be a blast or feel too much like school... I really like the volunteer idea. It’d be helping me and someone else.”

“Wait, wait. Ballerina? Seriously?” Hyunjin gave a small smile, holding back from saying anything more on that topic for the moment. “I’d give you a hard time for not having hobbies but… I guess I’m kinda lacking in them too. On the bright side, I’ve been working out again. Balances out with the video gaming.” He gave a weak flex, mostly in a joking manner, and he was wearing long sleeves so it wasn’t like it mattered either way. “If you wanna feel like your body is falling apart, you should totally join me sometime. Then you’d have a healthy and humorous hobby.” The humorous part being him.

“Yeah. Right?” Her lips twitched into a smile. “Imagine what my high school football team would say if they saw me in a pair of silky pink flats.” Dance of any kind seemed to be out of the question, she thought --- it just wasn’t her thing. But that lead her to wonder, what was her thing? Any label she’d had in the past had stayed in the past. “Oh, yeah, I can tell,” she nodded, her expression dead serious, but her tone teasing. She obviously couldn’t see anything through his long sleeves. “If I’m being honest... I actually don’t hate that idea. It might even be necessary. The other day I got winded walking to get the mail.”

“You know what, that is the perfect comeback for that,” Mercedes agreed with nod and a little laugh. “I should’ve actually told him that-that would’ve been gold to see his face.” Mercy would’ve bet money on it that it would’ve been a glorious one.

“I’ve only been here for a couple of months, almost five I think?” Dal was terrible at keeping count of time but she was pretty sure it was around that amount of time. “I love it, I thought I would miss home more than I actually do so I guess it’s been a nice change”

“That’s a good thing,” she smiled. “I remember I was scared when I first moved. I was afraid I wouldn’t know how to put myself out there. It’s hard, when you aren’t surrounded by familiar buildings and familiar faces.”

He chuckled “It’s a bit painful to watch tv with an empty stomach and nothing to eat.” He had been there, even if it was just a sandwich he could be happy, but there was a time when he didn’t have that so now he tried to enjoy the joy of having it with him. “Oh really, what kind of recommendations are you looking for, to see if I can be any useful.”

“It’s like a rule at this point.” She took a minute to sit on his question. “I don’t think I’m too picky when it comes to what I like, my taste is pretty diverse... comedies, horror films, westerns. I’ll give anything a chance. But for now, maybe something lighthearted. It’d be nice to laugh and not have to feel too much.”

At Ethan’s retort to shut up, Hyunjin feigned a gasp and pretended to zip his mouth before giving into a smile. It was nice to hear her laugh again, and see her get all bashful while trying to pretend like she didn’t hover around those she cared about. Jin watched as she seemed to study his face, his eyes following hers for a moment as he held the door. “Well, now I don’t know if I should feel a little self conscious or if that’s your sneaky way of telling me I have something on my face. Because I was sure it was the hair and my personality.” He chuckled, following her inside. “Yeah… Really? If you enjoyed making floral arrangements more, you should go back to doing that then. I have thankfully never worked as a waiter before, so I’ve spared a lot of plates and glasses. And food that could have potentially hit the floor as well. But why not go back to the place you were working before? Or… another floral shop?” Maybe that depended how she left because if she didn’t give them a heads up, that could effect the whole rehiring process. “Well, it’s still essentially IT. But it’d be at the hospital. It’s kind of an odd story? I’m not entirely sure what the job title or description would be, I’d have to talk with the guy to clear some things. And… I feel like that sounds shady and I promise it’s not.” He smiled, running his fingers through his hair. “I’ll explain. But do you want any coffee or anything first? And we can grab a table.”

“You don’t have something on your face,” she laughed, looking around the room as they stepped inside. It was one place she hadn’t visited again since she’d gotten back to Westwick --- no further than the doorway, anyway. Nothing had changed. She had to remind herself that she wasn’t gone that long; it seemed like more time had passed. “I’ve thought about it. I don’t know, I feel like I needed the change.” She was sure she could get her old job back. She’d left with little warning, but her boss had understood it was a family emergency, and before that she’d rarely missed a day of work. As much as she’d enjoyed working with flowers however, it hadn’t felt like the right fit upon returning. Not that waitressing did either. “Maybe I should go back to school,” she thought aloud, surprising herself. A college degree wasn’t something she’d considered since she’d gotten pregnant, and she wasn’t sure what she’d go for, but the idea didn’t sound terrible. “It does sound a little shady. But, hey, if you’re going to be hacking into the government, it’s probably best I don’t know.” She laughed softly. “I can grab the coffee while you find a table. Do you want anything?”

“I’m sure you wouldn’t but we don’t have to” He laughed “We can just stay here and have a drink.” Diego laughed at her last comment “Thank you, if you think that’s good, then you also have a good taste. Tell me what are you listening to right now, do you have a song stuck with you?

He smiled and decided to keep the conversation to Netflix shows “Yes, sounds like a great plan, so any show or movie you want to see. If you don’t mind me recommending something I will say watch Roma, I’m sure it will get a lot of awards, cause it deserves it, and since you will have food with you, watch chef table, if there’s no food, don’t.”

“Okay! I will take those recommendations, thank you. I’ll take any recommendations at this point. I need something interesting to binge-watch in my spare time.” Ethan laughed. “Chef’s Table is definitely not the show to choose if you’re not planning on eating. But, you know, I don’t think I’m capable of watching TV without snacking on something.”

As Seok started the engine and pulled away from the parking spot in order to go to the store with her, he thought about having an input in all of this. Since her brother had already done so, he didn’t feel like he had any rights, but, as someone who’d dealt with loss—-correction, who still struggled to deal with that, maybe she wouldn’t mind him speaking up about it. “That’s the thing, though… he commented as he took a right turn and then, continued focusing on the road ahead. “That’s not how therapy works.” He glanced over to her side because he liked maintaining a somewhat consistent eye contact as he talked to people, but knew he couldn’t continue doing that without getting them into an accident… and he had a fiancée and a kid to go back to. “It only works if you want to get help. If not, no matter how many times you go, it won’t lessen the pain.” Not that it would make the pain disappear. He couldn’t even imagine losing a child… the pain it must have been, but as long as Ethan didn’t want to be helped, she wasn’t going to feel better.

“Why don’t you try and looking for something that works for you, then?” He suggested instead, once again, glancing to her, before returning his gaze to the road. “It took me a few tries before I finally found a therapist that I liked.” He shared, before falling silent for a moment there, debating on whether he should say this out loud or not. Maybe Ethan didn’t find it relatable, maybe she didn’t want to listen… there were just too many variants. “I spent years almost drowning… and I know my case can’t even be compared to yours but…” He sighed running a hand through his hair. “Things are getting better now. The dark days are—not as frequent. Don’t get me wrong… depression still cripples me sometimes, but… after I chose to get help, it has been getting better.”

She knew what he was saying was true. Therapy would never help her --- one on one sessions, group or any other kind --- if she didn’t give it an honest chance. There was no way to heal by sitting and listening, giving the smallest crumbs of details about her life when coaxed. Ethan didn’t open up. She gave the illusion that she was opening up. She said what she thought would satisfy others by stating obvious feelings and offered comforting smiles when her turn was up. Every session was the same. A cycle. It was like going to work, something she had to do to get by rather than something she wanted to do for herself. When he looked back to the road, her eyes moved to the window, focusing on the passing scenery. He made it sound so easy, and maybe it was. She had the freedom to try anything until she found something that made waking up each morning a little more bearable. She had the freedom, but she didn’t have the heart.

It wasn’t that she enjoyed suffering. She wasn’t sadistic, she didn’t find meaning in the pain or cling to the negativity. She didn’t want to continue hurting and living in misery. She supposed she felt like she had to. It was only fair. Her voice came out small and quiet when she finally spoke again. “I don’t want to stop missing her.” It was the most honest thing she’d said in awhile. Logically, she knew there was a difference between missing someone and dwelling on their loss. She refused to listen to logic. “If I move on, it’s like...” Trailing off, she shook her head. She continued to stare out the window, lips parting again, but it took awhile for any words to come out. “What kind of person can be happy without their child? What kind of mother would that make me?” She wasn’t sure if she was truly looking for an answer or not. “I had one job, Seok. One job. All I had to do was protect her, all I had to do was keep her safe, and I couldn’t even do that. I’m glad things are getting better for you, but...” She shook her head again, a slight bit frantic this time, her throat closing around her next words. “But I don’t want that. I don’t deserve that.”

“Adopting is a serious thing so only do it if you’re 100% sure you can handle it” He suggested with a smile. “And if you’re really interested we have adoption events each month at my clinic, maybe you can find someone to love there”

“That’s what’s stopped me so far,” Ethan nodded. She worried about commitment, worried she wasn’t capable of taking care of anything else. Hadn’t she failed anytime she’d tried? She could hardly take care of herself. “Do you need some help with that?” She offered. “Even if I’m not in a place to adopt, I wouldn’t mind cleaning kennels or taking dogs for a walk.”

Jamie nodded, glad to have found an agreement since he was quite sure he would never be able to choose. And as he kept eating- he was starving after all- he figured Ethan could help him a lot with another subject. “You know, I have no idea what to get my boyfriend for Christmas, do you think you can help me with that?”

“I can try my best.” She sat up a little straighter, happy to have some sort of task to take on. She didn’t have a lot of romantic experience, but she had bought Christmas gifts for a lot of guys over the years (albeit, mainly family members) so surely she could at least narrow a wide selection down for him. “What is the price range? How serious is it? Do you want a gift that says ‘you’re cute and you’re special to me’ or ‘you’re my soulmate and I’ll love you forever’? What are the top three things you think of when you think of him?”

He nodded, as much as he couldn’t think of a holiday without his family, he felt from time to time that it was exhausting and sometimes you wanted some time off from all the craziness. “You know there are places that you can go, but I’m also sure that there are great shows on Netflix and a pizza, that also sounds like a cool way to spent Christmas too.” 

“It does,” Ethan smiled, appreciative that he wasn’t pushing the idea that holidays were sad and lonely without family. Maybe it would be, but she didn’t have to hear it from someone else. “Pizza and Netflix are all a person needs from time to time, right? I guess I’ve never been one to stick to tradition anyway.”

He laughed “It’s a bad thing when you don’t have anyone to dance.” Diego smiled and took another sip of his drink, he wasn’t sure if Ethan was up to give him one dance, but he could also just take a break and enjoy the song and have a nice chat with her. 

“I’d offer to dance with you, but I wouldn’t want to embarrass you like that.” She held up her drink with a grin, as if that was the reason. She wasn’t even slightly buzzed. She just wasn’t good on her feet, not when it came to dancing. She was better at sporty activities, always had been. “Sounds like you have good taste in music, though.”