Habeeba

I can tell you about the excitements of new beginnings, about the skipping beats, shaking hands and sweating I can tell you about endings, about fears, broken hearts, falling apart and breaking downs, I saw that glance two guys with a gift between their hands, we chatted, we talked we shared the ups and downs and when its almost near to get bored we shared music and politics, I can tell you I was annoyed until the day I wore your heart and fell on that shoulder sleepy at local bus, creepy eyes looking at us, wrote that note, broke my promise that I wouldn’t fall. but damn I fell hard that I broke my neck, I didn’t plan, It came just like this. I kept it as secret so no one would know afraid to lose you and turn back alone but came that one who was better at fun you left, it was dark at 2pm and I was unsecured at 2am just a soul left with memories to break me in pieces I kept my love locked somewhere it turned me numb I screamed and cried I never asked for a help I blamed my soul for the broken promise I tried to fight but you left. came that one who I fucked up and that one I tricked with stories I made up I lied and I changed to someone numb I hurt feelings I was that heartless trying to revenge from those innocents but then you showed up the time I was giving up The same glance the same way you looked with more mature mind and your life fucked up and all of sudden I regained my strength I thought it was meant to be I planned for future wasn’t for me I fought for us once more but it was late there wasn’t any open door I broke my bones I lost my energy to see you at your best but again you broke my neck I fell that hard I barely hear anyone I fear people I fear their presence I no more listen to those promises I didn’t let go but you weren’t here and then its all a nightmare I thought it a dream I woke up alone on my death bed turning my habits to bad ones I killed that part that felt for once I no more care about anyone I killed that girl you tricked with your love twice not once.

I used to believe in “ fight for what you want until it’s all yours” while everyone think of “letting go” as if it that easy. but then you realize how healthy. yes letting go is good for your mental physical and emotional state..letting go everything that makes you negative,sad,pale,angry and focusing on yourself is that hard . you will struggle,break and fall most of times. you will look pathetic,sick and your red eyes say it all. you have been fighting your thoughts your memories and your beliefs the whole previous night but then you woke up in that one morning all you want is to pamper yourself and give yourself all the love you deserve you still have this dream of coloring the world you though still smiling and holding those mountains on your back moreover you focus on yourself developing,your hobby,food,drawing singing nor screaming ..lonely nights now filled with books or a good movie with a company or a bad one but you enjoyed the moments..you search for new experience new talent and new aim you will love memories you made with people who hurt you but you love them of how they made you stronger. however you will only fight for yourself by yourself until you are better than ever you will wait a lot and face more terrible states on the other hand you are on your bed that exhausting day and all you feel is that you are relieved you are satisfied and you are literally fine with all the ups and downs with every empty night okay with every celebration you missed but there will be more to attend all you care for is celebrating yourself for feeling better than ever and finally feeling “fine” .all I want to say is “let go the roses when the thistle injure your hands”.

اليوم.. ادركت ما لم ارد يوما ادراكه..اليوم ادركت ما قد علمته و تجاهلته عن قصد..اليوم كنت تائهه بين كيف.. كيف في غصون ايام قد اختفيت مع اني قد علمت بموعد الرحيل..كنت انتظر و اسرع منه لكني لم اكن اتمناه..بل كان ككبوس انتظره و ما اكره الانتظار إلي..اليوم رأيتك في وجه كل عابر و كل من يحدثني..تذكرت كيف كنت اتمسك بك.. لم اكن ليوم لأفلت يدي من يديك و لكن لم نكن علي نفس طريق ففترقت..لكني اشعر بوجودك داخلي مازالت كلماتك تكرر نفسها في أذاني..لازلت اراك حولي و معي..رائحتك لا تفارق و أكره من يرتديها فهي ملكك تميزك انت..كنت انا اتمدد في أحضانك كالاطفال و دائما اري نفسي طفلتك..احب هذة الحقيقة التي لم تعد حقيقة..تلك الكذبة..كيف تجرح و تكذب علي من احبك..رغم الاختلافات الي ان اصبحت اشبهك..اتحدث بكلامك و افكر مثلك..لكنك ذهبت كما يذهب كل شيء ..و معرفتي بالنهاية تألمني..بل تقضي علي..و ان حدثتني الآن سأغرق بين ذراعيك..هذا المنزل الذي ضمني في كل الاوقات..هذا المنزل ملكي.. لكنه رحل.. مؤسف الرحيل بل هو جريمة كيف يعلم من تحب انك تحبه و يقرر الرحيل..و لماذا قد نجمل العلاقات بنهاية بائسة مثل "لنبقي اصدقاء" و هنا تعلم ان من المستحيل بقاء هذه الصداقة الكاذبة..كيف كريه هذا الرحيل..و بائس..كيف اصبح كل شيء ملكي ملكك يذهب مع رحيلك و يألمني بنفس تلك الآلام ..مللت الانتظار فكيف لك ان تنتظر شيء لا تعلم متي و اين و إن كانا هذان الطريقان من الممكن الالتقاء..لم يعد قانون نيوتن ينصرك و لا حكم شاكسبير تبررلك..اخاف ان احدثك و اخشي ان تنساني ..فكيف بأحد ينسي جزء منه؟..اخذت علتي تزداد..و اكتآبي قد تملك مني..فأصبحت في نظر الجميع مومياء متحركة..ترفض العلاج و استسلمت..تلك العنيدة التي من الصعب اقناعها بالتخلي عن اي شيء تملكه..اقتنعت بجهلها لنفسها..في وقت قصير انقلبت حياتها..اصابها الاحباط و الفشل بارعة في افتعال ان كل شيء بخير..لكنها كذبت..فكل شيء ينهار كل ما تمسكت به انهار هي نفسها اصبحت كثيرة المرض نادرا ما تفارق الفراش..و كثيرا ما تكتب و تشكي و تنهمر في البكاء فهي لم تعرف هويتها فهي فقدت كل ما فيها فيه و اصبحت خالية من كل شيء معادا هذا الحب الذي قد اتفقا عليه..انتي ملكي قالها بكل ثقة ثم رحل. لندعوا لكل من فارقنا و فارق تلك الحياة.

I think winter has a thing with love stories than summer It’s the warmth,maybe the feelings..holding hands tightly in cold outings..sharing jackets..the more of hugs..lips pressing on each others.. cuddling on windy days..even the fights in stormy nights..endless conversations with so comfy feelings..winter love is full of elegance and passion..ice cream while the sky rains and both of you look so dirty awful but still lovely together..those laughs with hot air coming out of you both mixes with cold air and you start playing with the smoke out of your mouth..grabbing your umbrella and holding your other hand..but summer so colorful and joyful you are happy but the feeling of happiness coming from your depth is another whole new thing.

didnt finish high-school yet

that's quite good, yes i was satisfied with my thoughts i have been fighting my thoughts and believes since day one and my fault is someone "criticized" me in a bad way i was affected by the words and very quickly asked people how do i look and surprise them for moments i ignored myself i didnt ask that do i really gonna be responsible for that step or not..someone told me just try if you are confused dont complete it. I was promising myself when I wear it am gonna do it right and those all was many lies I did it wrong..it was out of my responsibility..affected by people..wrong decision..and tried something aint a game for me or god.. I know i was wrong from the very beginning and those words ain't enough to do wrong things well i yes I want to wear it back more than before but not like before and who knows me well will tell you how this thing is always on my mind and the worst thing is to stay in a war between you and your own believes dont try it.. I am guilty and thats not giving me the right to open this topic even with myself and am still finding my straight way sorry for wasting your time but i hope to stop opening the same topic again and accept the reality I still believe you have no right for your question but it's okay to find noses everywhere ..sorry for making it long.

it wasn't an insult my dear I tried to tell you to watch your behavior because you seemed mean and I accepted your meanly words and throw it back to you in another way so it's my right secondly you are anonymous what i meant is that Your only thing is to show the attitude you want people deal with it with you.