Itās been a while since Iāve sat down and written about things Iāve pondered on. In light of the new year, I decided to take some time to reflect on the 5 things that defined my 2018.
Fresh from 2017, the past year kicked off with a new sense ofĀ āmaturityā for me. I slowly wanted to take control of my well being and turn all the things Iāve learned in the past year into actions. Just when I thought I was ready, I had a panic attack at a laundry store after finding out my batch ranking for a class I was taking. I wasnāt exactly hanging by a thread but my ranking was enough for me to be included in the deliberation - and having a history of setting unrealistically high goals for myself (as well as having lesser units compared to my batch-mates at that time), I felt that I could never be enough. The year just started and I already felt lost.
With a lot of grit and anxiety, I managed to pull through that semester. From then on, I promised myself to be more concretely mature in decision making and problem-solving. 2017 has taken a toll not only on my mental health but also on my physical health. I thought that if I could start having a much better approach to treating my body right, I could slowly improve mentally and eventually, achieve wellness. With that, I started learning yoga and pranayama - or meditation.
The decision to learn something new re-engineered my perspective on wellness. Exercise is a basic human need to release stress, stimulate oxygen and blood circulation as well as prevent anxiety build up. The more you exercise, the more you learn to listen to your body and the more you do that, you begin to know your bodyās needs. When you know your bodyās needs, you learn how to love your body - and eventually, yourself. Meditation is the elixir of the mind just as how exercise is for the body - itāsĀ a means to recalibrate and de-clutter your thoughts. Breathing exercises and silence engineers the mind to inhale what you only need and exhale what you donāt. When you know the difference between your wants and needs, you begin to make the right decisions for yourself and when you make the right decisions, you make the right actions - not only for yourself, but also for the people around you.Ā
Ā The moment you decide to do something that would benefit your health, you must allow yourself to stay committed to it until it becomes a habit - because habits turn into a lifestyle and only then can you achieve wellness.Ā
2. Supreme Student Council
Getting into yoga was something I looked forward to every week. Iām naturally a competitive person - not necessarily with others, but with myself. I enjoyed stepping out of my comfort zone in learning new and much difficult positions every class. I started having new goals for myself and enjoyed new forms of successes. The moment you unlock a new form, you realize you still have more positions to learn - and it never stops from there; such is life as well.
Having my college life completely transfixed on academics alone and no extracurriculars, it created a linear definition of success for me. Throughout college, success meant getting above average grades and maintaining a rank higher than the mean. More often than not, this wasnāt always the case and since it was my only immediate source of validation and self-gratification, it was easy for me to feel less than enough. Taking yoga classes broke that third wall and allowed me to feel the sense of fulfillment I was missing because it redefined my definition of success. The way we define success should not be confined to the ideals formed within a classroom setting. We must remember that we shouldnāt weigh our sense of fulfillment mainly on instant gratification. Our own definition of success affects our everyday happiness.
During the last leg of my freshman year, I ran for a position in the student council and won. In my junior year, I decided not to take part in student organizations so that I could focus on my majors - this was instrumental in carving my then linear definition of success. Moreover, that decision lead me to sacrifice something I was passionate about to make way for something which I thought should matter even more. Last year, I decided to run for Vice President in the student council because being part of something helps build your character and I learned that you shouldnāt deprive yourself of the things that make up who you are to make way for other priorities - these things are equally important and beneficial for your well being.
Last year, I hit the big two zero and bid my adieus to my teenage years. It was my first time celebrating my birthday without my parents or the close friends and people I usually spend it with. I felt scared of spending my first day as an adult alone.
As you get older, receiving material objects on the day of your birth begin to lose its essence and you start to yearn for the presence of the people you love and love you to share the memory of the first day of your new year with.Ā
Growing up as an only child, it never occurred to me the value of camaraderie, friendships, people in general and the memories or experiences that come with it. I never had a consistent ābarkadaā or ābest friendā other than my family. For 16 years, the only people Iāve ever shared a roof with were my parents. When I moved to Cebu for college at the age of 17, it was my first time to share a room with someone other than my mom and dad. For 3 years, I shared my dormitory room with a roommate and I considered her as the closest person I have to a sister. She was the first person besides my parents I shared my life with and that meant something to me. One day, I arrived at the dorm from school only to find out that half of our room was already empty. The person I considered as my sister moved out and left without a warning. She didnāt only leave the room we shared for 3 years, she left our friendship - along with theĀ ābarkadaā we slowly formed throughout the years.
If thereās one thing constant in this world, itās meeting people. You can never stop making new friends and there will always be someone who will love you regardless of your imperfections.Ā More often than not, thereās nothing you can do about the people who choose to leave your life so instead of wasting time shedding a tear for them, you should nurture the bonds you have with the people who chose to stay and be with you.Ā
I thought Iād be celebrating my birthday alone that year but apparently, there are people along the way in my life who Iāve somehow inspired, helped or motivated and with that, grew to care so much for my existence in this world Ā and made me feel loved in a way I deserve to be. Sometimes, it has to take someone important to leave you for you to realize the value of a friendship, relationship or a bond and when that happens, you realize the things about yourself that made them leave and you slowly want to become a better person for the people who chose to stay and the people you will soon meet.
I was lucky enough to have won the elections and become the Vice President of the Supreme Student Council. What I didnāt see coming was that the person who won as President would fail a class that summer and would have to resign from his position - which would make me the President of the council. The moment I received the phone call regarding this information, I felt that I wasnāt ready and that I wasnāt the right person to fill in someone elseās bigger shoes. I didnāt want to be the President nor I had any intention to but in that situation, itās something that as the Vice President, Iām responsible of doing and becoming. In reality, no one is really prepared or ready for anything and thereās no such thing asĀ āthe perfect timeā. The only way for you to figure out if something is meant for you is to go for it head on - especially if the opportunity presents itself to you and you alone. If itās meant for you, itās meant for you. If itās not, then you would come out of the experience with lessons that would steer you to grow closer and closer to the person youāre meant to be.
During the first week of the semester, the council had to organize orientation seminars for the newly minted freshmen and in that period, I became the emcee for my departmentās seminar. In the midst of the program, there was a slight misunderstanding with the sequence of events. The schoolās Director of Student Affairs misunderstood the flow of the program and informed my departmentās dean that I intentionally removed the deanās segment from the program. That being said, the dean verbally reprimanded me in a hostile manner in front of the entire freshmen community and mentioned things that shouldnāt have been said publicly. After that, I had to continue hosting the program and maintain composed in front of an audience - even if my emotions were caving in on itself on the inside.
Not too long after that scenario, a teacher in my department who has a history of distaste towards me called my attention so she could complain about a small fragment of information about a small competition that the council was hosting. Complaints are essential to organize swift events but in this case, the teacher verbally reprimanded me in a manner similar to what the dean did and to make things worse, this happened before an exam. The teacher mentioned things I never thought a teacher could say and accused me of false wild accusations - over a small complaint regarding a small competition.
The tragedy doesnāt end there. Throughout planning last yearās intramurals, it was my first time to feelĀ āusedā as a student leader. When youāre a student, itās easy for the faculty to pin the blame on you because itās another thing for a faculty member to accuse a colleague. Moreover, itās easier to assign a student tasks especially if itās in the last minute because by cultural structure, students are technically inferior to the faculty - so weāre expected to agree and do what weāre told without hesitations. Also, being seen as aĀ āstudentā, itās easier to see me as someone who is more susceptible to making errors rather than aĀ āprofessionalā andĀ ātitledā faculty member. It was at this point I realized that the teachers or the so called āadultsāĀ I once looked up to arenāt different from people my age. Even teachers, deans or educators in general couldnāt accept not getting what they want and would do anything to pin the blame on a student to further their personal motives. Since theseĀ āadultsā hold the upper ground, they have every capacity to control the narrative in their favor. Whatās scary is that this is a reflection of our very own society, and itās a daily occurrence in every workforce.
Things were about to go smoothly towards the end of the year until the biggest plot twist in my Presidential term had to take place. A council member, someone who Iāve already grown to trust, leaked to the entire student body through social media a private message of mine that was meant for her own consumption only. Itās easy for people to manipulate and misunderstand information on the internet so naturally, a majority of people at school bought into it and posted several false accusations and hurtful mudslinging about me on social media. I was in the middle of facilitating a public event when this took place so I had to compartmentalize my emotions and choose not to be affected, no matter how distraught I was, because I couldnāt afford for that event to go down in flames. Failure was most definitely not an option for me, especially at that point. I had to remain composed for hours on end all day long until I broke, just minutes before the event ended. I couldnāt think straight, my heart was palpitating, my head was throbbing and I started feeling cold all over. Without hesitation and any plan in mind, I literally just left the event and rode a cab with just my phone and a few hundred pesos in my pocket - and was headed towards nowhere in particular. I didnāt know where to go. I didnāt know what to do.
I didnāt know what lied ahead of me. After months of trying to keep the council, the student body, the faculty and myself together, I just fell apart - slowly, then all at once.
Iāve gone through my worst of times in the past year and for every single one of them, I swear I fought to live another day. For several occurrences to the point that Iāve already lost count, Iād literally lock myself up in my room all day - starve myself, keep the lights and curtains shut and forget all sense of self-care. I would just cry in bed with my clothes and makeup on from the previous days without changing or even taking a shower. I wouldnāt clean my room and Iād just leave my things scattered everywhere - weeks or even months worth of trash would just pile up next to my bed. I allowed my worst of times to affect me that way but I never allowed it to affect my spirit.
I always thought to myself that I wouldnāt have made it this far in life just to get this far. The moment I chose to drop classes in 2017, it carved a rough patch in my life and it was something Iād constantly look back to and say,Ā āwhat if I didnāt drop my classes? what if I made it? what if I didnāt give up?ā. I was in constant search of answers to these questions because holding myself back from discovering my full potential out of my fear of failure always keeps me up at night. Since then, I never wanted to feel that way again so despite the troubles Iāve gone through in the previous year, I allowed myself to go for things head on and learn to conquer my fear of failure. The pain of choosing to take a risk and failing as its outcome is nothing compared to the pain of choosing not to take the risk and never knowing how far you can go.Ā
There is no point in worrying about the future because itās uncertain. The only thing thatās certain are the things you know you can do now.Ā You are not your mistakes. You are not your failures. You are defined by the decisions you choose to make at this very moment. The future is still being written right now so you should do whatever you can in your capability to write a good ending by making each second of today count.
Just as how the direction of a stream is determined by the pebbles in its way and the crevices amongst it, you canāt change an established current.Ā You cannot please everyone. You cannot save everyone. Not everyone even wants to be saved. People will always whisper, so let them whisper.Ā You cannot control that. You cannot control everything. The world lacks light and the best thing you can do is bear a torch so that others may see - and when people can see, they will grow to bear a torch of their own and pass it on to others.Ā
Being able to get this far in life was a steep road but every bit of it was meaningful and thatās what matters the most. I may not be where I want to be and I may never get there (or maybe not yet) but I know Iām where Iām supposed to be. I will make today count
