Esha🐾

However when the euphoria wears of, you make up your mind. I wont let this person leave and thats where everything changes. It was never a choice. You made sure that they will stay. You made a little unsaid promise to them for ill be mean to the world and to you but the only person ill later soften for is also you and i would never let you leave and ik you won't. Just like when Patrick  asks SpongeBob"what will i do without you?" and he says "guess we will never know".

Always and Forever 

"Huh?"

"What's your type! what kind of a man do u want?"

"I don't have a type"

"That's not true everyone does"

"Nobody does"

"What the-"

"What is a type? Type is the kind of person u want to be with. But there is no such thing as a "type of person" there is only ever one person u really wanna be with, and then u continue to look for that person in everyone u meet. They become the standard which u call your type. Types are built before we fall for someone. It idolizing the image of someone who doesn't even exist. Love doesn't understand all this nonsense it doesn't understand any of the conspiracies built by human minds it just happens it happens out of nowhere the only purpose of love is to find you wherever u are, it will always find u and it's more of a threat than a promise. Because once it does, it carves the mould of the person we love in our hearts, but the universe isn't always that kind so sometime we are forced to take the mould everywhere trying to find someone to fit in, trying to find a laugh like there's, trying to find the same sparkle of eyes, trying to look for the same smile, the same soul but i don't thinks that's possible because u only ever truly love once."

"Sooo....what is ur mould?

"Guys who ask lots of stupid questions."

Always and Forever

This gotta be one of the most wholesome dialogue of my comfort film. But is this true? " kiya kahani sirf jab hoti jab intezar zyada hota" i dont think thats true i feel like every "mulaqat" has a story no matter how long was the wait. Kahaniyan intezar ki muhtaj thori na hotin. 

Isnt there something so comforting about waving someone a goodbye knowing u are going to see them the next day. And when u meet them your eyes have that faint sparkle like there they are!! my routine; my habit and as soon as you speak to them, u forget the spark and yall just mould into each other life like its normal its what u do. But isnt this a story, a story of a small candle which keeps burning and makes u all warm and fuzzy it has all that feeling, a feeling like home, a feeling where u dont have to make a lot of efforts for a single mulaqat

And then there is the intense side of Mulaqats. The ones with a lot of wait and yearning. The ones which come after all the tears who scream please meet me soon. They come after all the seasons where u changed and you are always salty about the fact that they didnt see u grow out of your caccoons. Meeting them is like a present waiting for it to open itself. It's a gift for all the wait u did and your heart jolts with happiness when u finally see them and suddenly we all become sharukh khan returning to his home running right?

But magic always thrives in places its kept a secret. What about the Mulaqaats which have no wait no hope (okay maybe a little bit hope). U bump into someone after years and suddenly u feel this rush all over you. You never waited for them, u thought maybe I'd see them sometime in some universe and your heart can't process that destiny was so merciful that it reunited you with them in the same life. These mulaqaats, they are always different, sometimes you embrace the reality, sometime they come with a shock but they are always the answer of every cliffhanger story of your life.

And at last my favorite kind of mulaqaats the ones i call meet cutes. How u meet someone for the first time without knowing that someday u wont be able to fully tell your story without mentioning them. These are often forgotten you dont even remember how u met this person who means so much to you. But the universe and its strings, they remember. They keep track of every single hard work they did to bring yall together.

Isliye tu Har mulaqat mai ek kahani hoti hai 

Always and forever 

Always and Forever 

You know when a tv series is going on all steady and radiates comfort vibes and suddenly the show makers drop the biggest plot twists random dramas new characters and what not for no reason. Thats how 2024 felt like. It passed away so quick i didnt even had time to gather every emotion i felt. But maybe it was because this year made me experience every single emotion. There was defeat and there were wins there were tears and there were smiles i didnt even know existed within me. New Years always feel like a new start to me no matter what people say i mean this year new year starts on a Wednesday how can this be a new start. But sometimes in a middle of so.many confusions u just wanna open a brand new page and start anew. Obviously we take a whole baggage of all the unresolved threads into the new year but there is a small light inside of us a light that promises that every thread would be opened and everyone of them would pave ways into streets full of love and color. So i close my eyes this time and instead of walking into the new year i let the new year come to me.

Always And Forever 

I dont know how the concept of traditions came about. After all what was so special about some silly little things humans did that they decided to do it every time again but at that only specific moment. Mankind itself boasted it's ideas and thoughts. It was always us who made ourselves believe that some tiny things we do our magical and they should be continued. The same way every year i ask my friends what is something u learned this year and the responses have me slapping my head cackling and mostly reminiscing and marvelling upon the fact how i sometimes was there when they learned this very lesson however this year their responses were so wholesome so fullfilling... You can see for yourselves👉🏼

Always and Forever

I dont know how many khair hogayis i have left in me at this point. Because there is nothing khair about what is happening. 🧌

🍃I never pegged myself as the jealous kind. I always found myself giggling when someone was happy, but then i realized that some of the giggles were just twist in my guts because i have always been the woman of posession and throughout the history every person who held dear possesions have lost every single piece of it (not my philosophy it is the history book reality) (clearly missed second grade sharing is caring lesson)🍃

For the first time in the history of me i was craving winter and now that the wind is like 0.0000005 percent colder i want to kill myself. Some of us arent made for the blessings of karachi like winter, maybe we like the suffering? ⛰️

And with that every single emotion, to have ever been felt in this world sobbed. Its such a simple question but sometimes it is the helplessness and the hopelessness of an aching heart, what is it that it can do

"I couldnt complete the project on time, tu ab... mai kiya karoon?"

"She went away and she left me, tu ab...mai kiya karoon"

" This is the only thing i am left with, tu ab... mai kiya karoon"

"I love him so much i dont know why but i do, tu ab...mai kiya karoon"

" It is hurting me, it is crushing me, tu ab... mai kiya karoon"

"Its of no use now, its too late, tu ab...mai kiya karoon"

U do nothing. we know the answer. It is always nothing, what can we do except to mourn or accept but we plead; we plead the universe, we plead the person standing in front of us begging for them to just get it, begging for them to answer us, to tell us. "Tu ab... mai kiya karoon "

Always and Forever

Last October was not so great does this mean this one will be? but wait ... if i anticipate a wonderful october, it means it wont be wonderful? but this isn't superstition right?

Or when arjit Singh said Tujhko Ambar Se Pinjre Zyada Pyare Udd Ja Kehne Se Sunta Bhi Tu Hai Kahan.....we looked at every single feeling, every single dream every single person we held on to because we can't just let eveything go.

But i have a scarier question what happens after the thing u dread the most has happened what happens after the sadly ever afters? This answer is even simpler just one word. Silence.

When the worst thing to ever happen to u happens the only thing left is silence a demeaning silence. Life doesnt end. Life goes on the smiles dont end. The laughter doesnt vanish but there is silence. Silence grand enough to consume you. A little far away u see light you know if only u could just run fast enough u might be able to catch it and everything will be okay.

But then u look up and u look all around yourself. And even with all the love around u. Look carefully.. You are all alone.

Always and Forever

Songs like Haan k Haan and bahara exist which show one discreet part of human nature as much as we long to be loved, We also long to love, freely and passionately and shower all our affection to someone without thinking about the consequences. 

You know who is underrated? Shruti from barfi, the way she was manipulated to follow the societal norms but once she was liberated from these thoughts she did try to pursue her love only to find out it was too late. She could have had barfi all for herself she had the choice but she turned and she let jhilmil have him because if her love story couldn't find a happy ending she let her love find his love and i think that is beautiful.

I think alot. Sometimes so much that i end up travelling to places existent in the past: my memories. I go there and i stare at her... my past self...existing in her best moments. I see her laughing her head off. I see her living the moment i cannot believe i experienced. I see her heart rate racing as she experienced some of the most heartwarming moments of her life... of my life. And i feel a pang at my heart i envy her. U see there is a difference between jealousy and envy jealousy is feeling threatened and envy is yearning for something u don't have and that is why i envy my past self. For instance the first time she is reading my favorite book or when the first time she is hearing that song or watching that movie. The meet-cute she has with my loved one The first memory she makes with them and all the people who are not there with me anymore are there with her. My nani is still with her my other nani is still listening to her rant but i dont have any of that. I do know that she may hold all the core memories of the past and i have the hold on everything which is to come but yet again, we are humans and humans have a bad habit of wanting whats lost.

Always and Forever

Then comes the highest degree of love madness. The promise to kill for you. It is like i love u so much i do not mind destroy the world for you whatever it takes to keep u safe its a promise of protection its a debt which can only be repayed by love itself.

Yes it is true that love is as they say in urdu "junoon" but thats just a form of love real love is eternal the same way the phrase I'll die with you is eternal. It is the declaration of love in a way that i love u so much that even death is beautiful with you. Id do whatever it takes to be with you even it means finding you in the hereafter. It is a contemplation of wherever you go i go with you and life isnt worth living without you but death is worth dying if it is with you.

Always and Forever

"Loving of course...after all what is harder than that?"