Existential Crisis But Make It Kinky

Let me explain:

I’m in a relationship with a woman who has openly said that she likes being submissive and that she has no problem watching BDSM, but in an educated/proper way she behaves in a frigid manner, and when she’s in the mood her behavior is excessively vanilla. I’ve talked to her about it, but it seems to be a topic she doesn’t like discussing. I’ve known her all my life and, beyond this, I know her in every aspect; she has no trauma of any kind and has never suffered violence, thank God. So my real question is: how can I get her to let loose and enjoy her fetishes freely?

There is something off about this ask. I’ve been mulling over what I think it could exactly be, but the negative and transactional tone is what strikes me the most. It unsettles me.

No one who genuinely likes or values another person talks about them this way. You’re in a relationship and this is how you’d talk about her to a stranger? If I were her, I’d be hurt. You’re calling this woman “frigid” (which has a nasty sexist history with real consequences for women and gives me a bad taste in my mouth just reading it) just because she acts educated and proper around you and prefers vanilla sexual acts when she’s in the mood? If you believe your wording is acceptable and you are as open about your disappointment in her manners and preferences off the Internet, I could certainly understand why she wouldn’t want to get into it with you in conversation. I wouldn’t either - yikes.

You’ve said she likes being submissive. To you? Or maybe the concept appeals but does not feel plausible to her. It’s important to note that being submissive is not the same thing as liking deviant sex acts. Saying she “has no problem watching BDSM” doesn’t align with claiming she’s being held back (by some mysterious invisible force???) from “enjoying her fetishes freely.” I’m far from convinced you’re trying to help her achieve her goals; I believe you’re trying to achieve your goals regardless of her preferences. And that might explain the cold and transactional tone.

Model: Planet Ginna

Model: Nastya Cheprazova