Hi I'm Erin

Long time no see. It's literally been years. But I'm still here. Alive and well. Married now. Which is weird. How many posts did I write about wanting to find the love of my life? Or maybe even just a person to spend all my time with? Well sure enough I have a person and they take up a lot of my time. Not in an obligatory way, but in an I don't want to do anything else but spend time with you kind of way. Which is comfortable and nice. I do think the real me comes out and connects with me when I take some time to write. I think I've also been afraid to write because I've been afraid to check in with the real me. At least at previous difficult points I know I was. Now I'm here. I've been married for 355 days. Not legally, but according to the Hindus. You see I had two weddings and the first was solely to honor Hindu tradition. It was honestly really beautiful and I have some of the best memories from that wedding. The coolest part was doing something out of the realm of traditional western culture and then watching all of my family and friends not only show up, but embrace the culture as well. For me personally it was fun because over the 8 months of planning the wedding I took the time to picture myself as a Telugu bride and had excited visions of what that would be like. To be honest it pretty much did all turn out perfectly. It's kind of emotional to even think about what a wonderful period of time that was in our lives. Things didn't exactly slow down after that because then we had the American wedding. So even though I am celebrating this one year milestone, it really didn't feel like marriage until after the legal wedding. The year of marriage so far has also been a lot of growth. I imagine that we grew in some ways as a couple planning our wedding, but it's hard for me to see that growth. I felt like I had to put my real life on hold and obsessively plan two events for 11 (ish) months. This summer especially has felt like getting to know myself and what I want to do when I'm not planning two weddings. Overall it has been beautiful. Perhaps even profoundly meaningful. Having a partner that you're working with towards common goals in life and even in minuscule day to day tasks changes things. It feels like it has empowered me to do what I want more of the time than I did in the past. So many times I was leaving home, spending money, or socializing not because I wanted to but simply because the alternative was to be alone. Now there is no need for that. I have someone at home that wants to do what I want to do or if they don't want to do what I want to do we can at least co-exist together in our space without the need to seek outside validation. So I guess what I mean to say is married life is pretty great. It really feels like I belong somewhere and I'm working with someone towards something. Things are not perfect by any means. When I say working together towards things it's because we have shit we need to sort out to build the future we want. So I guess this is a happy check in.

My life is broken up into fifty minute segments. Session by session no two people the same. No two problems the same. I become absorbed in these different worlds. For those fifty minutes that world is what’s important to me. That person is what matters. That situation is what occupies my mind. It’s almost crazy that only ten minutes span between one world and the next. Somewhere in there is a person absorbing all the different worlds. Somewhere in there is a person that has to go home to their own world. To say that I only care because it’s my job is a massive understatement. I come home filled with not only my world but many others. The problems they face weigh me down and fill my mind as I try to hold all these separate issues in one consciousness. Is destress tolerance used because you have a low tolerance for distress or because you feel distress much deeper than others? I think it’s different for each person. But I think I feel much deeper than others. 

You take your medication at night. Eat three meals a day. You’re stable as shit. Life is even a little bit boring. You feel so good. You even get enough sleep at night. You’ve learned how to manage your thoughts and feelings in healthy ways. You even have healthy relationships. You’ve learned to communicate effectively with those that insist on communicating in an ineffective manner. You’re starting to notice how emotionally manipulative some of the people that you’ve known were. You pursue balance within yourself rather than spending so much time focusing on external validation. You don’t guilt yourself when you do something “off schedule” or “different than the plan”. You find things that help you get through the day, or night. You find people that help get you through the day, or night. You accept your body as it is, even if it’s not where you want it to be. You consciously strive to make healthy choices while simultaneously not criticizing yourself when you make unhealthy choices. You see the world for what it is, not black and white, but a million shade of grey. You honor your values and acknowledge how they affect your world view. You acknowledge that those around you, will seldom hold the same values as you, and you accept that. You make life choices that will fulfill you, regardless of the opinions of others. You put yourself first, knowing that that doesn’t make you selfish. You accept others messages, but ultimately make your decisions independently. You listen to your body’s needs and care for yourself above all else. 

I wish I still felt things as deeply as I did as a kid. Even at 20. Was that Major Depressive Disorder or was that being in touch with my feelings? Would I be more of myself without my medication? Can’t go there. Take care of yourself. Don’t struggle or spend time floundering for what you need. Go to the doctor. Go to a therapist. Go to a psychiatrist. Your health is important. Suffering and experimenting with remedies recommended by friends is not the way to go. You might have borderline personality disorder, but you probably don’t.

This is the LEAST concise or directed writing I’ve ever written. Stream of consciousness to the max. But I had to say something so we can still call this a blog. You know?

I finally made it. Clinical Social Worker. I want to put something else here though. It has been six years since I last injured myself. I don’t keep track, I don’t keep a record, I don’t count the days. I just counted and I said wow, look at me now. How far I have come in six years. On the complete other side of things. I want you (reader) to know. It DOES get easier. I have to say that right. But the truth is, I think about hurting myself at least once per day. Sometimes I even take the thought a step further. What would people think? Why would I do that? What problem would it solve? I never get serious, but I just have to say you (self injury) are always on my mind (sometimes). In some ways I feel good. On top of the world. I have made it. I, me, the Erin, has made it. Met a goal I worked towards for so long. Always thinking that I am not REAL without being clinical. I am not a legitimate clinician without the C. I made it. I’m REAL. I am the people you see at the hospital. I am the people you see in the treatment centers. I’m the one that’s there with the letters on my name tag where you think, this person looks like they know what they’re talking about. This person is legitimate. It’s me. It is me. 

I didn’t think it would hurt as bad as it does. I cried in my car after seeing her in the hospital. I imagined my grandparents at my wedding. Soon, I won’t have any grandparents left. Grandparents are weird because they’re already old when you’re born but you still think they’re gonna live forever. Having to lose all my grandparents over the past 6 years has been awful. There’s something about losing that last one that hurts more. There are a lot of excuses you can make to try and care less. Her memory was going. She barely knew who I was anymore. She would get frustrated with how disoriented she was. We tried to call her on Christmas and she couldn’t figure out how to answer the phone. You can say maybe it’s her time to go and maybe she will be at peace. Selfishly it’s still hard to let go. It’s still hard to watch you last grandparent lying in the hospital bed not knowing how much longer she has. I didn’t expect to feel as sad about this as I do. She wasn’t my closest grandparent. But that’s semantics anyways. It’s ok to be sad about your grandparent no matter how close they were. Whats worse is that it’s all during a pandemic. You can’t kiss her forehead because you’re wearing a mask and face shield. You can hold her hand, but you’re wearing gloves so it’s weird anyway. There is nothing to say other than, the situation is complete trash. 

Maybe I only come here in times of trouble, but you can’t get rid of me.  COVID cases are rising again. Indoor dining is closed. Nothing else is really closed. Non essential travel is not recommended. Gathering with more than 10 is not recommended. You know the old things, but again, and more of a suggestion this time.  I’m feeling nervous. It’s getting closer to me. So many of my friends and acquaintances have gotten it. I’m really trying to celebrate the holidays and find a reason to be happy, but it’s hard. I miss my dog. I really just miss my dog. My little piece of comfort. I have some nice stuffed animals and pillows. I sewed myself some pillow cases and put up some fairy lights. I’m trying really hard to do what is right for me this year. I’m trying to figure OUT what is right for me which is the hard part. If i knew exactly what was right for me I would do it in a heartbeat, but it’s not that easy. The fairy lights are a nice addition if i do say so myself. I’m more or less scared, anxious, the same old things. Waiting for it to get worse. I’ve heard it gets worse. Watch out everyone. It could get worse.

To end this, I am feeling alone, I am feeling that everyone has someone and I do not, and I am feeling tired of it.