♎︎

I am 19 days postpartum, and it’s been an emotional roller coaster. I have moments of immense happiness, jumbled in with moments of pure melancholy. Now having 2 kids, I’m learning to divide my time and attention amongst them both, and it’s not always easy. My oldest daughter is autistic, and she requires a lot of prompting and redirection. I love this life, but melancholy visits me when I miss my daughter, and she’s sitting right next to me. Sometimes I want to go back to when I was still pregnant, and in a way, it was still just my little family of 3. Absolutely no regrets. I believe in this path, and I know I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. But it’s a difficult transition, and it seems the most transformative transitions always are.

I have a c-section scheduled for 5 days from now. I am nine months pregnant, and very ready to be done, physically. But I also can’t believe this is the last week I will be a mother to one. Soon I will have two, and that’s overwhelming. My daughter will be staying with family for over a week, and we have never been separated that long. It’s hard to go through such a life change without my first baby with me. But I know that one day there will be a time when I love them both equally, and I won’t remember what life was like before the two of them. I’m in the before days of something so beautiful.