silver and stone

He wiggles around a little more, chancing a scooch closer just to get out of the puddle he’s landed himself in. “I’m really only here to get your stuff back to you,” Minjae says, gesturing at the books down in his lap. “Everything else was in the hopes of a tip,” he bites his lip, trying to hold back the smile. It was probably, definitely not appropriate to tease this guy more. “Although, admittedly, possibly in bad taste.” 

This guy must think he’s some kind of baby. He probably thinks he’s some fragile thing or worse-- weird. 

He was plenty normal, just... didn’t do well in social interactions outside of a polite hello. That wasn’t odd. He was just different in the way he ticked. He can’t help it. And now, this guy has him about to cry in an alleyway because he’s... different. 

He can never step foot in that bookstore again. 

“No, no...” Minseok tries his best to subtly scoot back at the other scoots closer and a hand comes up to scrub at his eyes. His voice still sounds a little too wet for his liking and he’s still a little bit too close to just losing it. 

“It’s... alright.” He pauses for a soft sniff, head ducked a little and definitely not making eye contact. This guy shouldn’t be apologizing. Truthfully, he’s done nothing wrong, simply get a little too friendly, but nothing that crosses any lines. 

“I... u-um... I over-reacted...” A chance glance up and Minseok notes that his wallet is being held in his direction. Ah, his wallet. He had forgetten his wallet. “’S... my fault.” Alright, there we go. Full sentences. 

Now all he had to do was reach out, take his wallet. Like a nomral, fuctioning adult. “I... don’t do well with... flirting... or... pretty people...” 

Minseok purses his lips, still not daring to make eye contact and reaches up, hesitant and slow, reach to jerk away at the smallest bit of movement. But nothing happens, no one moves and his fingers carefully wrap around the soft leather before he’s snatching it back. 

He grins as he leans away again, squatting. “It’s bad business if I let you just run away,” Minjae explains, not caring that it doesn’t make much sense. “Also, you know, I think I’m allowed some questions. That’s definitely never happened to me before…” he trails off, tilting his head, grin growing wider. It probably means he’s a horrible person that he’s having so much fun with this. “I guess you could say you were my first.” 

Too close. He’s too close. It’s like a mantra repeating in his head all the while staring up at him and feeling the awful cold seep into the seat of his pants. Now he was going to have to go all the way home and change. 

This day just keeps getting better and better. 

And then, the absolute worst thing that could happen, happens in that moment. He gets closer. 

“What--” Minseok squeaks in a very quiet voice. This guy is so very close and he might as well just reach out and ask him to put this miserable moment to end. And on top of all of this, he registers that maybe, perhaps his tone could be considered a bit rude. 

So what if he might be having a stroke? Should he be left in peace to do so? 

But this guy keeps on talking and in any other situation, Minseok might be partial to listening to him. He has the type of soothing voice that he favors, but then again they’re sitting in a dingy alley getting much too intimate for his liking. 

And his face his actually on fire. 

“Y-you’re not!” Alright, getting there. “I’m not!” He scoots away a little. “This isn’t-- no!” Is it just him or is he starting to get a little watery eyed? 

“Uh,” Minjae starts, eloquent. “Hi?” He shrugs his armful of items. “You kind of forgot some stuff?” Probably best to not call him out on running like frightened animal until he calmed down a bit. 

“I’m all for chasing down cute guys but this is a little…” Minjae trails off, tilts his head. “Much,” is what he settles on. 

Minseok nearly jolts out of his skin at the sound of a voice. He had been on the very edge of nearly calm and not going to burst into tears. 

Now he just feels that tell-tale burn of potential nervous waterworks. He can’t help it. He’s a stress crier. Though he would never be in this situation if the boy just left him alone and let him live the rest of his life in shame. 

Now Minseok has to face said shame head on and that is just something that he’s not sure he can do. 

With a shaky deep breath, he turns a little, catching a glance of the guy out of the corner of his eye. At least he isn’t mentioning the way that he practically broke down the door in his effort to escape. The ground is a little dam as he plops on his butt, hands finding the pavement. 

His mouth just hands open for the longest time. 

He probably looks ridiculous. 

But it’d one thing to have a cute guy hit on you out of the blue-- it’s another to have him chase you down. Minseok is probably just having a fever dream right now and he’ll wake up in his empty apartment with his dog chewing on his arm or something. 

Right? 

Only the longer he sits here, the longer he just stares the more apparent this isn’t some terrible nightmare. He actually did run away like a baby. 

“I--” Minseok finally croaks, neck craning to look up at him and-- oh, those are his books in his arms. He brought him his books. A thank you would be appropriate, maybe even an apology too. 

she can’t tell if it’s cold in the courtyard or if it’s just her body, turning to ice and stone.  has she seen a basilisk? did the gorgon really curse her with her glance? the only thing that she can think of is the destruction of her galaxy: stars falling, black holes swallowing her and ripping her to shreds.  this is a loss that eats at her core, and she isn’t sure really how to speak of it, she just needs to .. survive, somehow.  although at the moment, it’s hard for her to believe that right now, she’ll survive with her heart intact.

can someone live without a beating heart that feels things?

in her mind’s eye, beyond the chaos there is only abel.  mckenna is vaguely aware that there are other people in the courtyard but right now, he is the only person she sees, hears, feels.  her hand to his robes is a tiny lifeline, one that is threatening to suffer and break at any minute.  ( she reminds herself that worlds should not be built around people, but abel isn’t a person: he’s a lighthouse in the storm.  he’s the three headed dog guarding her trapdoor. )

mckenna struggles to find a smile - to at least smile for him once, because even in the back of her mind she feels a little guilty for bringing to him the worry that he always brings to her.  it’s aa struggle, but at least she manages a weak sham of one.  at the moment, all mckenna can be thankful for is that the touch of his hand on hers grounds her enough to breathe.

one.  two.  three.

opening her mouth to speak an answer to his question - no, she’s not okay; yes, she’s a girl destroyed - nothing comes out, but a small whimper in the back of her throat.  the words he told her before cutting their ties and red strings echo in her head: never, shouldn’t, forget.  the smile she was struggling to find before slips off her face in an instant, and the tears that were dammed by the destruction of pillars and galaxies in her mind finally break through.

“ can we get away from here?” she manages to croak out a whisper, again, ignoring his questions and the way that the other people in the courtyard surely see them acting .. peculiar.  “ please?” the way that she looks at him hopefully answers his questions enough.  mckenna, broken, doesn’t want to lay the pieces of herself on the ground for just anyone to see.

abel will accept her weakness, but mckenna’s afraid that anyone else will eat her alive.

There is something deeply disturbing about seeing a true love cry. 

Here she is, breaking into a million pieces right in his grasp. No. No, this wasn’t his Mckenna. This isn’t right and it leaves him feeling like all the wind has been knocked out of his chest and there’s a sour taste in his mouth. 

This is wrong. 

“Of course, my love. Of course.” 

Abel waves a hand over his shoulder, tugging her closer to him with the other. It’s a quick dismissal of his friend, one that doesn’t call to the importance that she does. (No one is quite as important as she is.) 

He tucks her into his side, close and protective because no one else needs to see her so weak-- no one else deserves to see her so. 

The halls aren’t bustling, but it is a time where there are quite a few out and about, but Abel has his secrets, just like anyone else. It doesn’t take him long at all to find a place to hide her away. 

It’s a storage room, sure, but it’s a bigger one. One where extra desks and benches are stored and it’s private enough that no one thinks to bother them. Half of the students don’t even know how to get in. (He just won’t tell her this is where most of his midday hook ups used to take place. That much isn’t important.) 

He handles her delicately, afraid that she’ll break apart-- more than she has already appeared to do. 

And the way he speaks is so soft and unlike himself, like he’s handling a wounded animal that might skitter off the first sign of a startle. 

“Mckenna,” Slightly unsteady hands come up to cup her cheeks, thumbs gently brushing away tears. “What’s wrong? Can you tell me?” 

in this moment, it feels like her mind is a blank sheet of paper yet to be written on, both empty and chaotic in its void.  never has mckenna once thought that the world is cruel until it lays in shambles at her feet.  it becomes hard to pick up the pieces after six years of suffering through wishes and defeat, hope and despair.  to say that she’s sad is an understatement - there is no word mckenna knows in her vast vocabulary that can explain how horribly empty she feels in this moment.  how broken.  how lonely.

it’s mckenna’s fault, really.  it’s her fault for allowing a boy to become her entire world, to put him on columns that become large pedestals built by her love and the blood of her hands.  she should have known better, really.  you can’t build your world around a person, because people will always disappoint you. that’s something that she learned from her books, from her parents, from the way her brother still falls into their dark trap.  but regardless of the fact that she knows all of this, mckenna still feels like a ship dashed against the rocks.  she still feels like a ghost.

she isn’t sure what exactly she’s looking for until she finds it - or rather, him.

abel appears before her like a light at the end of a tunnel.  and perhaps, she thinks, that’s always what he’s been to her - the whispers about him in the halls still fall on her deaf ears, because whenever mckenna needs abel min he’s there.  and this is something in and of itself that they will never talk about, because mckenna’s heart belongs - belonged - to someone else.  she pretends that she does not know why, but theirs is a gravity that can’t be denied.

but this is something that she can’t think about, not now - not yet, anyway.  because the only thing that she’s desperate for now is a breath of air; she wants abel to pull her up from the water that she’s drowning in.  her pillar is collapsing, and the only strength she finds is in the way a shaking fist clutches at the back of abel’s robes.  he hasn’t yet seen her, but she’s sure he’ll know it’s her.  “ abel ..” her voice is a shaky whisper and she feels so small looking at his back.  “ can you take me away from here?”

❪   i tell her about you.   ❫     @epabel

He made a promise. He made a very important promise to a very important person and he is determined to stick to it no matter what. 

Which is why, instead of immediately making his way over to the group of first year Gryffindors across the courtyard to throw some terror their way, he’s leaning against the wall, looking well past bored. 

“I think I’m gonna skip potions to take a nap or something.” 

Merlin, this was so hard. 

But he couldn’t. He had to be good for Mckenna. He didn’t want to lose her any more than he already had. He didn’t think he could do it if he lost her completely, he already has a taste of what that’s like during the summer months and the school breaks. It’s not something Abel enjoys-- it’s a time where he gets his most destructive, in fact, he almost feels lost without her, like something so vital to him is missing and at the end of the day when he finally lays down to sleep, he only can imagine what she’s doing at that moment with him. 

He stifles a yawn, crossing his arms over his chest. 

Abel is so focused on figuring out what he’s going to do during his newly free period that he almost doesn’t feel it-- the little tug on his robes that is oh so her. 

He almost doesn’t notice her, but Abel has a way of always feeling her presence. He just knows. 

Mckenna’s request hits him a moment later and that’s when he knows something is wrong. Turning his back on the other Slytherin he was spending his time with, his full attention is on her in a second. 

this moment here has gone from bad to worse; bad being the bleeding lip, and worse being the feeling she has now.  even though mckenna hears him protesting her outburst, it’s like she hears him through the static of a television set because every thought she has now is abel in a casket, abel bloodied in a ditch, abel gone for good.  it’s left her with weights upon her shoulders, defeat in her furrowed brow.  

he lifts her up, but it is not enough because she is not enough.  when has mckenna kim ever been enough to stop abel min? ( never, probably.  she is only just a girl. ) her wishes that abel would not return with violent scratches and bloodied teeth are not enough, neither are all the prayers that he’ll stay safe or the hopes that the next time she’ll see him he’s unburdened.  she’s not sure why abel is always so angry, but it hurts her to her very core because she is not enough to stop it.

“ i love you, too.”  her reply doesn’t carry the same meaning, nor the same weight - abel knows well that she has someone else in her heart, so whatever love she has for him is .. different.  and she expects that his is different too, and that’s why it’s so easy for her to say it back, to pour her heart on him in automatics.  their love is not quite the same, but that’s not something mckenna knows.  ( she pretends that everything they don’t talk about isn’t a hint to something more that she’s too afraid to see. ) “ but please don’t say anything like that to me ever again.”

mckenna attempts to be as careful as she can when she touches his busted lip, but abel seems determined to make her understand something and she still can’t even look him in the eye.  “ i know you have, but -” why did you say it.  “ you make it hard to believe that one day, you won’t be here.  the only time i see you anymore lately is if you’re cut or bleeding.” 

and she still finds it hard to look him in the eye.  maybe if things were different, she’d be able to stop him.  to stop the flow of time’s river and change it to another course.

fingers clench the towel in her hand tight when abel lifts her chin, and mckenna can’t help but look at him now.  in his face, she sees all the pain of swelling bruises and busted lips, but beyond that is a desperation that she cannot quite understand.  when she opens her mouth to speak, there’s so little space between them that it would seem like she’d be shouting if she spoke in more than the whisper her voice comes out as.  “ i’m not going to leave you, abel.  i promise.” she bites her lip.  “ you don’t have to be afraid.”

How much longer did it have to be like this? He was running out of time and the thought only made him hold tighter to her. 

She was so in love with this other boy and he was so wrong for her. He didn’t deserve her and all of this-- he didn’t deserve McKenna at her best and he certainly didn’t deserve Mckenna like this. 

Not that Abel did either, but he could at least vouch that his feelings weren’t a fleeting summer heat wave. His feelings flourished in the summer when he could pry her away from Rian enough to drive down to the pond and his feelings held up strong and real in the winter when the castle halls were freezing and he always held her a little bit closer in case she got cold. 

“I know you do.” He knows she loves her, but it’s not the same. It’s not at all. They say nice guys finish last so why does he feel like he’s in the very last place? “I won’t. I won’t, ever again.” 

And his heart is breaking. The last thing Abel ever wants to do is hurt her, make her worry, and in that very second, it dawns on him. It’s completely and utterly transparent. 

He despises Rian for hurting Mckenna in the way he does, but he’s hurting her in a completely different way. 

“Oh my god, I’ve been-- this is all...” Now he knows he is truly the worst. 

He hopes she can see it, he hopes she can see how sincere he’s being because it’s the only thing he is with her. “I’ll always be here and... I won’t... I’m... you shouldn’t have to worry about me. You're right, baby girl.” 

Now he’s cupping her cheeks with both his hands and this could all go south so very quick, but he can't move away. She’s like his gravity, always pulling him in and making it impossible for him to leave. 

“I’ll be good, okay? I won’t fight anymore. I won’t I promise I won’t-- but only if you promise not to be afraid either because I’m never going anywhere.” 

she doesn’t bother to answer him if only because she knows there’s really no point.  it’s a circle that would keep turning all day - she’d insist he’s hurting, he’d assure he’s fine.  it’s in this way that mckenna and abel are a mess of contradictions, opposites.  if he is smiling, she frowns; if he throws angry fists, she is a blanket of love.  and yet somehow, still, they connect - a strange sense of magnetism, a dark to light.  mckenna would be lying if she said she didn’t find a sort of balance in them.

all focus is spent on the washcloth in her hands because mckenna doesn’t trust herself to even look up into the mirror and look behind her.  abel is close, and she can hear the change in his voice and this is the part of him that she thinks that no one else understands.  abel has a heart in him that no one looks for, but one that she can easily see.  “ you make it hard, abel.” she mutters to the sound of water, hoping her words are drowned by it.

and he does.  their time together is always coloured by purple bruises, bloodied knuckles.  if this is taking care of him, then she wishes there was something more.  something else.  a moment where her smile wouldn’t fall just by taking in the sight of him - mckenna thinks that things were easier when they were children.  at least then, the cuts and scrapes she’d make better were from trees.  ( at least, that’s what she was told. )

a sigh escapes her and she turns off the faucet, wringing out the washcloth in her hand while listening to him speak.  but abel makes her blood run cold and she whirls around with shock, hurt, betrayal in her eyes of the highest degree.  the wet towel in her hand is balled up and thrown at his chest with a force of frustration she doesn’t often feel.  she doesn’t even make a move to pick it up off the floor because mckenna is too busy trying to hold back tears and maybe even the shake in her voice.  ( she fails, on both accounts. ) “ what would i do? what would i do? don’t you know i’d -” bring you back.  

she clamps her lips shut.  better not say something like that in hogwarts.

that’s too close to dark arts.

“ are you really threatening me, abel?” she finally asks, her voice cracking and giving way to a tear she wipes angrily with the back of her hand.  “ you might be a slytherin but i thought you of all people would be the last to use my fears against me.” a last look of betrayal thrown and then mckenna is turning back to the sink, grabbing a new towel and running water.  again.

in the very same breath that he breaks her down, he builds her back up again but she cannot make the heated stone that sits in her throat go away.  appreciation.  mckenna cracks a disbelieving smile because what she does is not enough to make him stop.  but finally, finally - she turns back to him and this time, the towel gently wipes away at blood that dribbles down his chin with eyes that are carefully not looking into his.  “ you don’t have to tell me something i already know.”

Anyone else. He’ll mess up with anyone else and he doesn’t care. 

He could tell Eiden the dirty truth and not care. He could scream from the bell tower about his misdeeds and not care, but the moment that he makes Mckenna cry is the moment when he can’t forgive himself.

And he knows he’s messed up. He knows when the sick splat of the towel hits his chest and them smacks on the floor. 

“Fuck.” 

No, he could see anyone cry. He could watch his own mother cry without a flicker of emotion, but not his Mckenna. Hell, she’s not even full out crying yet and all of his alarms are going off. 

“Mckenna, no!” That’s not what he meant. He would-- “I... I would never leave you.” Never. He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself. No matter what, he had to take care of her. 

He had to make sure that she was alright and that she loved. She was so loved. He didn’t think he could love someone anymore. 

“I love you-- I would never leave you.” 

And that was it. That was all it took to break him. 

He waits, doesn’t touch her until she touches him and when she does, his hands are grabbing gently at her wrist and he wants her to look at him so much, but she won’t. She won’t and he made her cry. 

He made her cry. 

“I’m not--  would never. Mckenna, I would never leave you. I’ve always been by your side, right? I’m not about-- please, look at me princess, I’m not about to go anywhere now.” 

He was really starting to feel this split lip now. 

“I know you know. I know.” She has to know, it’s not like he makes it a secret. “But I just love you so much. You are so important to me. I would never leave you and I never want you to leave me.” 

“ that is absolutely a contradiction.” she retorts, her look reproachful even when she sees the smile affectionate on his lips.  “ if you’re bleeding, you’re not fine.  if you’re fine, you’re not bleeding.  i thought most people understood this -” mckenna pauses, biting her lip.  abel is the only one who’s ever made her talk so much, if only out of worry.  maybe it’s because they’ve known each other for too long, maybe it’s because he’s a branch of family that’s not related by blood but there’s always a sense of comfort around him she rarely feels with anyone else.

it helps her to see past the looks that they get in the halls when abel’s holding her hand. 

her eyes hold a tinge of curiosity but with abel, sometimes it’s better not to ask - especially if she knows that she won’t get a straight answer.  “ there’s no real reason to throw fists.” mckenna finally says, tightening her hold on his hand.  “ what happens if -” she stops.  it’s an unlikely scenario: the idea of her not being there to help him tend to his battle wounds.  instead, she backtracks with another more likely thought.  “ if they’re stronger than you?” it’s bound to happen one day.  abel picks his battles well for now, but one day he might not be so lucky.  ( she loathes to think of just when that day will come. ) 

the door closes behind them and it sounds like abel’s voice echoes in the empty bathroom - a reminder that mckenna’s not alone, a reminder of their equivalent exchange.  but she’s looking at his bloody lips, his bloody teeth, his already blackening eye and the more quiet part in her speaks up.  “ if i asked you to stop taking care of me, you wouldn’t have anyone to patch you up so .. would it stop your fighting?” her eyes are still on the blood of his lips, hand falling out of his as she backs up toward the sink.  “ if it would, then i’d do it.” 

she turns toward the porcelain basin and starts to run water over a washcloth, a way to hide the storm that’s clouding her eyes.  “ i’d do it happily.”

a lie if she’s ever told one, but abel to her comes first.

“You make a valid point.” He chuckles a little, giving her hand a squeeze right back. “But I am fine.” For the most part-- things were starting to hurt as the adrenaline from the fight began to fade. 

The empty bathroom put his entire focus on Mckenna-- as if it wasn’t already. He can feel the worry rolling off her and he felt a twinge of guilt. He didn’t want to make her worry as much as he did, he just couldn’t help it. 

The cocky nature drops out of his voice as he follows her with a few steps. Abel ever wants to be too far from Mckenna if she’s in the same room. Everyone knows that she’s his calming factor. The only one who manages to ‘sooth the beast’ so to speak. 

“Don’t worry about me, please.” He didn’t want to be the reason for her upset. That was the last thing he wanted. 

The water breaks the momentary silence as he stands there, watching her and digesting her words. 

A day without her is a day with no point-- Abel wouldn’t be able to make it without her. He loved her too much, even if she saw it as a different sort of love. He loved her so much that he would deal with being the best friend, as long as she was in his life. 

“Mckenna, I--” But sometimes things almost slip out. Abel crossed the distance, hand reaching out for her before he stops himself, almost too abruptly. 

Watch it. 

Swallowing his words quickly he covers with, “Without you, I’d probably be fightig worse. You’re the only reason that I don’t get too messed up. What would you do if I picked the wrong fight, huh? What would you do if I went and got myself killed?” 

He didn’t want to even think about the heartbreak she would feel. 

“I would never-- I still have things to tell you, like how much I--” 

Watch it. 

she gives him a look that tells him she doesn’t believe his lie - begs him, almost, not to.  if it was nothing, abel wouldn’t be at her side with a bloodied grin and mckenna wouldn’t be staving off anxiety in her worry for him.  “ you know this is why everyone has the wrong idea about you.” she tucks hair back behind her ear and peers into his eyes, just to make sure that they’re focused - alert.  “ what was it about this time?” 

there is some relief in her at least, when she hears that there was no trouble to be had.  everyone already has the wrong conception of abel, that he is someone that he isn’t.  mckenna knows him to be kind, gentle; a breath of fresh air when she finds herself struggling to breathe.  he’s been her friend for as long as she can remember, but even she wonders what in him makes him so unhappy that he feels the need to fight to make it through.

“ if you were fine, you wouldn’t be bleeding.” she mumbles finally, half tempted to pull away her hand because it’s dirty with his blood, but mckenna finds she needs his comfort, too.  “ why do you think i’m worried about you, abel? no one else comes to me when they’re broken.” her eyes linger on the way he gently eases her hand out of its fist, and when their fingers are threaded together ( as she thinks they will forever be ), she gently grazes her thumb against the length of his.

she doesn’t say much along the way, just keeps his hand locked in hers and gets on her toes to check the halls - just to be sure no one notices she’s sneaking a boy into the girl’s restroom…  even if it wouldn’t be the first time, considering abel’s terrible habit.  “ i hope myrtle isn’t loud today.” she mumbles as she enters.  “ you’re already enough to worry over.”

“I can be fine and bleeding.” He attempted to argue, not able to help the fond little grin that grew on his lips. Merlin, he loved when Mckenna gave him even the slightest attention. This was great, you know, despite the injuries. 

Her touch is so soft, just like her and he doesn’t have any problem ignoring the looks they get-- the looks they always get when they’re seen together. No one can quite ever believe how gentle he is with this girl and frankly, either is he sometimes. 

“It was a legit topic, alright.” It wasn’t truthfully. He was causing a ruckus, being a problem, all the things he usually is and this Gryffindor simply didn’t know how to ignore him-- never quite learned that skill. “He deserved it. I just didn’t expect him to have such a mean swing.” 

He looked like a scrawny guy, but Abel was sorely mistaken. 

“Who else would I go to? I know you’ll always take care of me, just like I take care of you.” 

At least, Abel always tried his hardest to do just that.