there's a tree, cowering in the wind

today i offered nothing. good night everyone!!!

a friend with a boyfriend is a type of dead wife

one of the best parts of making up increasingly wild and specific aus with a friend is sending them posts like "this is sooo blorbo in torture chamber au number 15" and they reply back like "YESSS btw have i told you about my latest idea for how to torture them even more" and you get to enjoy a little snack and kick your feet with glee

Sober as fuck at the back of the club going onto Wikipedia and typing "List of birds"

if i was a soccer player i'd simply kick that ball in the goal instead of wasting everyone's time

sex position: you, sitting on your throne. me, standing behind you, resting my arm on the back of your throne and sniling so sneetly at your ministers like i have any right to be there

i knowwwwww in my heart ilya would love taking shanes last name and after they have kids referring to their family unit as hollanders. ilya turning around to the backseat like okey hollanders here is plan. we are going to be in and out of costco in thirty minutes. you may choose ONE item each. if we get separated we meet at optometrist. we will get ice creams on way out as long as everyone is cool and nobody tells dad. hollanders on three.

Hanging out with me and you keep getting annoyed cause you think I keep sighing loudly but it's actually wind rushing through my strangely hollow interior and I blow away

listen. if your mutual suddenly starts referring to The Character with different pronouns, you must go along with it. that character is trans now. they’re right.