:(:

I’m still alive, yay. Slightly less depressed, but still struggling.

Just came back to say this. (This just magically coincides with the Tumblr porn removal policy, heh.) I can’t upkeep this persona/blog I guess there’s too much negative posts of mine on here from the past, but I’ll keep it as a memory of the struggle I’ve went through. Even though I wish I’d could go back to arranging this collection of artistic works.

I’m sorry to everyone I’ve ghosted, really. I can’t explain how much the support from all of you has meant to me. Every day I’ve had felt on the verge of existence being invalidated by everything and everyone in my real life. And somehow I’m still here. I can’t say it’s all good now, on some level I still feel like an alien dropped into a foreign world and I might forever do that, I still don’t really have friends or a boyfriend, I still struggle with the emptiness that is my everyday life consisting of nothing but work.

But I actually don’t plan to kill myself anymore. I’ve come to accept my person without validation from others. In fact I have deleted almost all social media. Maybe this makes me too invisible to build the connections I seek. But I know it’s a alot more natural for me to build upon the strength within me than depend on others.

Dreams come and go. I’m not sure if I have given up my long term dream that has pulled me through the dark times. Because it conflicts with my life in way too many ways. But in a sense living true to my own values is my dream, whatever that entails.