Ennui

So now that the 2CT is true and it seems like our Ciel really took over his twin’s identity there’s the question why our Ciel even felt the need to do that. Since the real Ciel probably died in that cult the title as Earl and Watchdog should have rightfully been our Ciel’s. However, he chose to return as ‘Ciel Phantomhive’.

(I know this has been discussed a lot before but I wanted to collect my own thoughts for this; this is also in response to this ask.)

I’ve seen discussions about that where it’s argued that our Ciel may have been jealous of his brother since he had better health, was more extroverted and would have been Vincent’s successor one day. And while there may be some truth to that, I am still sure that the twins’ parents and family (Midfords, Madam Red,…) loved both children equally. Also, I believe the relationship between the twins was a good one. They seem to have been very close when they were younger and as identical twins they probably had an even deeper bond.

So I don’t think when our Ciel took over the twin’s identity he did it with the intention of gaining everything that was his twin’s only because of jealousy and evil intent. I believe there are more psychological reasons for our Ciel’s decision.

First of all, we have to consider the situation our Ciel was in at the moment he made that decision. He was a 10-year old boy who had experienced a month of terror in that cult after losing his parents and the life he used to know. And then he saw the last person he still hold on to, his twin who most likely was always the closest person to him, being killed brutally in front of his eyes.

Losing their co-twin, an identical one even more, is a traumatizing experience for every twin. And even under ‘normal’ circumstances (accident, disease,…) it’s not unusual that the survivor feels guilty for being alive.

Now in the situation where our Ciel’s twin ‘died’ it may be even the case that our Ciel isn’t completely innocent. Of course, the true culprits are still the cultists and the situation has to be considered but maybe something happened that made the cultists take the real Ciel instead of our Ciel, for example. Since it seems that the cultist have saved the twins for last they may have wanted to take the younger twin (our Ciel) first before using the Phantomhive heir as sacrifice. But it turned out differently, maybe because our Ciel somehow made the cultists mistake the twins’ identity.

Anyway, even if that’s not the case, the fact remains that the twin’s ‘death’ most likely triggered Sebastian’s appearance. Whether Sebastian really took the twin’s soul or if seeing the twin being stabbed caused Ciel to be able to summon a demon – because the twin died, our Ciel could survive with the help of Sebastian. And therefore it’s no wonder that our Ciel feels guilty as was clearly seen in that dream sequence during the Green Witch arc.

Our Ciel feels guilty for using his brother’s death to escape from his fate when making the contract with Sebastian.

In that vulnerable state during the Green Witch arc when all the feelings which he usually tries to hide from everyone surfaced he even admitted that he feels like he shouldn’t have been the one who survived.

So if he still feels that way three or now nearly four years afterwards he may have already felt like that when making the contract. He blamed himself for his twin’s death, maybe he was even hating himself for what happened. And by taking over his twin’s name and identity it may have been for him as if he would keep his twin alive while killing off his true identity which he hated.

And along with this train of thought, he probably also thought that everyone else would be happier if the real Ciel returned instead of himself (even if that’s not true). If he was hating himself for what happened how could he have thought that anyone else would be happy with him surviving?

So I guess even more than having it easier to become Earl and Watchdog, our Ciel felt guilty and thought it would have been better if he had died and if his brother had survived. And by taking his identity he believed it the best way of making this lie a reality.

It’s sad, really, that our Ciel would think so but I think this lie also helped him to cope with his guilt and made it possible for him to return to his life. As the person he once was he felt too weak and guilty but by pretending to be the one he thought should have survived that gave him strength and confidence. And once he had made that decision there was no turning back, even though each time he was called ‘Ciel’ and probably whenever he even looked in the mirror he must have been reminded of the truth. He built up his new life based on that lie, yet each time he was confronted with his past and the truth it triggered his guilt and his trauma (resulting in asthma attacks, sudden reactions and decisions or his terrified state in the Green Witch arc). Maybe that’s also another reason why he never let anyone around him too close – in fear they might discover the truth.

So now that the truth is out and the twin is back our Ciel must be shocked. The life he has built like a wall to protect himself from his guilt and hatred now crumbles down. Not only was he sure that the twin had died that day, it now also seems as if the twin wants to take revenge on our Ciel for what happened. Taking Lizzy, killing Agni, invading the manor… To the twin it must seem as if our Ciel stole everything from him and now he wants to take that back while hurting our Ciel. And since the reason for all this is that our Ciel took over his twin’s identity, our Ciel may blame himself again for everything. Only this time it may be more difficult to escape from that since everyone he could turn to is deeply involved in this matter and this time our Ciel has to deal with it as the person he truly is.

What do I mean by financial genius? I mean three things: 

A. Victor Nikiforov is substantially better at making money than most people, and that includes the extent to which he is able to capitalize on his own success.

B. Victor Nikiforov is better at not spending money than he usually gets credit for in fandom.

C. Victor Nikiforov is able to understand disparate financial situations and help others navigate them to their success. 

One brief note: I’m sure someone is going to say “I don’t see it like that!” which will be entirely not surprising, since this is a headcanon and not a canon. You don’t have to headcanon Victor as a financial genius! But this is why I do!

All of the 7,000+ words and 22 points in support of that follow after the jump. I apologize for any formatting issues but I’m doing everything on my iPad and Tumblr is apparently not well suited for outline architecture that occasionally goes four levels deep? Argh.

(Edited to add: I know this is long, but point 16.B. is my favorite and please read it because I love Victor so much.)

*Do NOT Repost*

Read Part ① here

I FORGOT TO MENTION! They had intro music for ONLY ONE and it was really kakkoi!

And also about Shoutan’s hair! You can barely see in photos, but one side of his hair was partly braided, one braid had green infused in it!

So, I know I scared a few of you by saying how I noticed Shoutan was off with part ① of my report. I never seen anyone else mention about it at all, so I really wondered if it was only me who noticed? So I asked my Japanese Shoutan friend, who, if there was anyone, would notice for sure. And she said she did notice he was off too. She said it could also be the technical difficulties they had which may have bothered Shoutan. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who noticed, I knew I wasn’t imagining things!

Winter Blossom

There was a piano on stage and a silhouette next to it. IS THAT SHOUTAN?!?? ITS HIM!!

He sat down, both me and Yukina screamed and were about to cry He started playing!! 😭😭😭😭 Shoutan!Hehatesplayinginstrumentslive!Thefirstthemheplayedhediditforthefanssecondtimeheplayedabitduringanisama2015!!!!Hesplayingagainnnnn!!!!😭😭😭😭 A bit before his line starts in the song, He stopped playing.

He picked up a mic that was sitting on top of the piano with his left hand. We all kinda laughed

He got up, walked forward and paused. Fans:??

Shoutan: Ne? (Hey?)

Waratte. (Smile)

Alternatively titled: How to Room with Other Cosplayers and Not All Hate One Another By the End of the Weekend

Maybe this will become a series, maybe it won’t. Stick around and we’ll find out together. I wanted to write some kind of Momocon wrap-up post, but it’s officially a week since that con ended and it’s only been (*counts on fingers* Thursday… Friday…) TWO days since I’ve stopped feeling like death is on the doorstep waiting for me and I haven’t even really unpacked yet. So instead of a daunting and all-encompassing summary of Momocon, I present to you a more specific list of things I learned while AT Momocon that might be helpful to you as well.

Before this con I had never stayed in a room full of people who were cosplaying the whole weekend. This time, not only was I rooming with more people than I was used to, but a few of them I’d never met in real life (obligatory: please be safe when meeting people whom you’ve only spoken to online don’t get Taken), much less roomed with before. I didn’t know their habits, quirks, level of cleanliness or carefulness or tidiness, etc. So I was a little nervous, as you can probably imagine.

I’m very happy to report, however, that the weekend went absolutely swimmingly, and as the title suggests, none of us hate each other (or if they do, they’re being really quiet about it…heh). So, reflecting, here are some of the things that I think worked in our favor toward creating a frictionless hotel room experience over the weekend:

Be Polite!

Introduce yourself to your roommates! You’re gonna be spending the next two to four nights together. Start off on the right foot.

Say please and thank you and excuse me! You’re going to need to use the mirror when someone else is already using it. Even if there’s plenty of room for you to reach across the counter and grab your toothpaste from in front of your roommate, say ‘excuse me!’ That way, your roomie won’t lean forward right as you grab for the toothpaste and bump into your arm and stab herself in the eye with her eyeliner.

Be Respectful!

Be careful when walking past people’s props and whatnot. Don’t move things you didn’t make without asking permission, even if it’s in your way or in the way of your stuff.

Everyone has a different need when it comes to privacy. If someone asks to use the bathroom to change, it doesn’t matter that you just stripped down in the middle of the room, let them use the bathroom. Also, make sure you’re not going to offend anyone by stripping in the middle of the room. Just because you’re comfortable with your privates doesn’t mean everyone else is.

That said, if you’re the person that wants to monopolize the bathroom to change, be patient. You might have to wait a second for someone to finish glueing on eyelashes or blowdrying something before they can vacate the bathroom. You’re entitled to privacy, not immediate use of an entire bathroom.

Probably knock on the door? Or at least announce when you’re coming in if there’s a chance someone could be naked inside.

Be Tidy!

The more people in the room, the faster it will become a disaster if you allow it to do so. You don’t have to keep your pile of stuff super organized necessarily, you don’t have to fold every cosplay after you take it off and tuck it tidily back into your suitcase, but like at least keep your disaster confined to your corner of the room. And if your pile of stuff starts to creep toward someone else’s pile of stuff, work with that person to consolidate piles before they mix together and they go home with your underwear. Ew.

Try not to leave your stuff sitting on community surfaces. Last weekend, we packed up someone else’s spirit gum by accident because it was sitting on the bathroom counter and we didn’t remember that we’d already packed ours. And I still don’t know where my deodorant is…rip.

Be a Team!

Share your resources if possible or if you’re comfortable doing so. You probably brought more glue or needle and thread or bobby pins than you’re going to use. One of the props in our room hit the floor by accident on day one and lots of little crystals popped off of it, and immediately the other people in the room were scrounging around for all manner of glue to help her repair it. I forgot my little hair bands at home and someone else had a couple I could use and I was so grateful. (Tell someone thank you if they offer you help and don’t use other people’s things without asking them!!)

OK. So the preview of “Welcome to the Madness” is up to our eager eyes and I just screamed out LOUD because EVERYTHING on that teaser made me remember Johnny Weir programs. Just… -tries to breathe- let me show you~ Does this make you remember something?

Exactly!!

Johnny on the “Bad Romance” performance starts with a jacket and then throw it away to to show a pretty provocative outfit… just like the ice tiger of Russia.

Colors on the outfit and makeup purple and black are pretty similar too…

And the most important THING~~~ -oh God save me-

Johnny’s “Creep” performance have this amazing movement which is like a signature of him by now…

And Yurio did exactly the same:

I want to add the fact that in “Creep” Johnny’s long skirt flies up, the same as happens with Yurio’s tank top.

AND I want to add this~

Accurate, uh?

To which the manager (internally, because she doesn’t want to be fired), went “you’ve got to be fucking shitting me.”

Here’s the thing: it is totally possible to do a job for the passion and not be obsessively thinking about the money every minute of every day. In fact, there have been economic studies regarding that very thing.

You know when it starts?

When the employee in question is making $50-75k per year.*

That’s the starting point of financial security. That’s the point when you’re fairly secure that you’re going to have rent, food, and basic living expenses covered. 

I’ve worked a lot of jobs over the years. A lot. I saw the same working as a freelancer– when I charged lower rates, my clients treated me like shit and acted like they were doing me a favor; when I charged more, they respected me as a professional. A newspaper that started out paying me above market wage also treated me very kindly, because they started with the assumption that I was a human being who needs to eat.

In my experience, the employers that insist that your job be your “passion” are also the ones that pay you nothing and treat you like garbage. It’s exactly like abusive people, who tell you that you would put up with their abuse if you “loved them enough”. It’s a way of convincing the victim that they’re responsible for their own mistreatment, which is absolutely fucked up.

Here’s my advice to you:

Character design and drawing are tome-sized topics and even if I had all the answers (I don’t - I have a lot to learn), I’m not sure I could communicate them effectively. I’ve gathered some thoughts and ideas here, though, in case they’re helpful.

First, some general things:  - Relax and let some of that anxiety go. This isn’t a hard science. There’s no wrong way, no rigid process you must adhere to, no shoulds or shouldn’ts except those you designate for yourself. This is one of the fun parts of being an artist, really - have a heady good time with it.

 - Be patient. A design is something gradually arrived at. It takes time and iteration and revision. You’ll throw a lot of stuff away, and you’ll inevitably get frustrated, but bear in mind the process is both inductive and deductive. Drawing the wrong things is part of the path toward drawing the right thing.

- Learn to draw.  It might seem perfunctory to say, but I’m not sure everyone’s on the same page about what this means. Learning to draw isn’t a sort of rote memorization process in which, one by one, you learn a recipe for humans, horses, pokemon, cars, etc. It’s much more about learning to think like an artist, to develop the sort of spacial intelligence that lets you observe and effectively translate to paper, whatever the subject matter. When you’re really learning to draw, you’re learning to draw anything and everything. Observing and sketching trains you to understand dimension, form, gesture, mood, how anatomy works, economy of line; all of the foundational stuff you will also rely on to draw characters from your imagination. Spend some time honing your drawing ability. Hone it with observational sketching. Hone it good.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone do this sort of thing better than Claire Wendling. In fact, character designs emerge almost seamlessly from her gestural sketches. It’d be worth looking her up.

- Gather Inspiration like a crazed magpie. What will ultimately be your trademark style and technique is a sort of snowball accumulation of the various things you expose yourself to, learn and draw influence from. To that effect, Google images, tumblr, pinterest and stock photo sites are your friends. When something tingles your artsy senses - a style, a shape, a texture, an appealing palette, a composition, a pose, a cool looking animal, a unique piece of apparel, whatever - grab it. Looking at a lot of material through a creative lens will make you a better artist the same way reading a lot of material makes a better writer. It’ll also devour your hard drive and you will try and fail many times to organize it, but more importantly, it’ll give you a lovely library of ideas and motivational shinies to peruse as you’re conjuring characters.

- Imitation is a powerful learning tool. Probably for many of us, drawing popular cartoon characters was the gateway habit that lured us into the depraved world of character design to begin with. I wouldn’t suggest limiting yourself to one style or neglecting your own inventions to do this, but it’s an effective way to limber up, to get comfortable drawing characters in general, and to glean something from the thought processes of other artists.

- Use references. Don’t leave it all up to guessing. Whether you’re trying to design something with realistic anatomy or something rather profoundly abstracted from reality, it’s helpful in a multitude of ways to look at pictures. When designing characters, you can infer a lot personality from photos, too.

And despite what you might have heard, having eyeballs and using them to look at things doesn’t constitute cheating. There’s no shame in reference material. There’s at least a little shame in unintentional abstractions, though.

Concepts and Approach:

- Break it down. Sometimes you have the look of a character fleshed out in your mind before putting it to paper, but usually not. That doesn’t mean you have to blow your cortical fuses trying conceive multiple diverse designs all at the same time, though. You don’t even have to design the body shape, poses, face, and expressions of a single character all at once. Tackle it a little at a time.

The cartoony, googly eyed style was pre-established for this simple mobile game character, but I still broke it into phases. Start with concepts, filter out what you like until you arrive at a look, experiment with colors, gestures and expressions.

- Start with the general and work toward the specific. Scribbling out scads of little thumbnails and silhouettes to capture an overall character shape is an effective way begin - it’s like jotting down visual notes. When you’re working at a small scale without agonizing over precision and details, there’s no risk of having to toss out a bunch of hard work, so go nuts with it. Give yourself a lot of options.

Here’s are some sample silhouettes from an old cancelled project in which I was tasked with designing some kind of cyber monkey death bot. I scratched out some solid black shapes then refined some of them a step or two further.

Here’s an instructional video by Feng Zhu about doing much the same thing (only way better).

- Shapes are language. They come preloaded with all sorts of biological, cultural and personal connotations. They evoke certain things from us too. If you’re ever stuck about where to go with your design, employ a sort of anthroposcopy along these lines - make a visual free association game out of it. It’ll not only tend to result in a distinguished design, but a design that communicates something about the nature of the character.

Think about what you infer from different shapes. What do they remind you of? What personalities or attitudes come to mind? How does the mood of a soft curve differ from that of a sharp angle? With those attributes attached, how could they be used or incorporated into a body or facial feature shape? What happens when you combine shapes in complementary or contrasting ways? How does changing the weight distribution among a set of shapes affect look and feel? Experiment until a concept starts to resonate with the character you have in mind or until you stumble on something you like.

If you don’t have intent, take the opposite approach - draw some shapes and see where they go. (It’s stupid fun.)

You might also find it helpful to watch Bobby Chiu’s process videos in which he feels out his character designs as he paints.

- Cohesion and Style. As you move from thumbnails to more refined drawings, you can start extrapolating details from the general form. Look for defining shapes, emergent themes or patterns and tease them out further, repeat them, mirror them, alternate them. Make the character entirely out of boxy shapes, incorporate multiple elements of an architectural style, use rhythmically varying line weights - there are a million ways to do this

Here’s some of the simple shape repetition I’ve used for Lackadaisy characters.

- Expressions - let them emerge from your design. If your various characters have distinguishing features, the expressions they make with those features will distinguish them further. Allow personality to influence expressions too, or vice versa. Often, a bit of both happens as you continue drawing - physiognomy and personality converge somewhere in the middle.

For instance, Viktor’s head is proportioned a little like a big cat. Befitting his personality, his design lets him make rather bestial expressions. Rocky, with his flair for drama, has a bit more cartoon about him. His expressions are more elastic, his cheeks squish and deform and his big eyebrows push the boundaries of his forehead. Mitzi is gentler all around with altogether fewer lines on her face. The combination of her large sleepy eyes and pencil line brow looked a little sad and a little condescending to me when I began working out her design - ultimately those aspects became incorporated into her personality.

I discuss expression drawing in more detail here (click the image for the link):

- Pose rendering is another one of those things for which observational/gesture drawing comes in handy. Even if you’re essentially scribbling stick figures, you can get a handle on natural looking, communicative poses this way. Stick figure poses make excellent guidelines for plotting out full fledged character drawings too.

Look for the line of action. It’ll be easiest to identify in poses with motions, gestures and moods that are immediately decipherable. When you’ve learned to spot it, you can start reverse engineering your own poses around it.

- Additional resources - here are some related things about drawing poses and constructing characters (click the images for the links).

Lastly…

- Tortured rumination about lack of ability/style/progress is a near universal state of creative affairs. Every artist I have known and worked with falls somewhere on a spectrum between frustration in perpetuity and a shade of fierce contrition Arthur Dimmesdale would be proud of. So, next time you find yourself constructing a scourge out of all those crusty acrylic brushes you failed to clean properly, you loathsome, deluded hack, you, at least remember you’re not alone in feeling that way. When it’s not crushing the will to live out of you, the device does have its uses - it keeps you self-critical and locked in working to improve mode. If we were all quite satisfied with our output, I suppose we’d be out of reasons to try harder next time.

When you need some reassurance, compare old work to new. Evolution is gradual and difficult to perceive if you’re narrowed in on the nearest data point, but if you’ve been steadily working on characters for a few months or a year, you’ll likely see a favorable difference between points A and B.

Haha, what. I draw the story I want to read, anon. There was already a debate on Blanche’s gender around the time I got into PoGo, so I decided why not leave it that way? I think it’s interesting to let readers draw their own conclusions.