Sometimes it all feels like too much. I’d give up almost anything for good health. It’s hard to admit how scared you’re feeling at times to those around you but man, it gets tough.
Everyone has challenges to overcome and I know I’m in a better situation than a lot. I have so many things to be grateful for, I almost feel guilty for feeling like I can’t cope. I dream of a day where I’m not worrying about my health: no blood sugar checks, insulin shots and more insulin shots, feeling tired and worrying I’m high, feeling weird and worrying I’m low and paranoid about every pain, ache and difference in my body. I can’t sleep because I’m no longer recognising lows as well and am dropping to 1.2mmol or 24 mg without really noticing. Then there are the days where my blood sugar is up at 18 or 22 and I can’t seem to bring it down. 30 units of insulin later and it’s not budged and though I try and carry on, the day is tainted and progress is halted.
Not being the weight I want and the health and weight I deserve for the food I eat is tough and my self-esteem has taken a blow. Insulin lumps, needle marks and cellulite. Listening to my friends plan summer holidays or parties when the thought of no tights, photos and bikinis makes me feel sick. I still make the most of everything but it takes a lot. At 21 and with a diet like this I shouldn’t be this way. I hate when I’m given diet advice or when people assume I must eat crap or am lazy (which happens a lot). I’m angry, angry that my freedom has been taken. You have to think so much more than the average person and sometimes you just want it gone, even if for a day. The weight is one of the harder parts because you can’t hide it.
The future is something I don’t want to think about. Falling in love is a tough one because you’re in constant fear thinking about where your future will go, particularly when you feel out of control in the present. I was always thinking, would I hold this person back? Will they leave? This must be on their mind too!
But you stop, pin a smile on your face and get on with it. You go out and carry on and try and focus on normal shit and when it gets too much you hide. Send texts with various smiley emojis if anyone gets in touch and make out it’s all fine.
I want the best future possible, I want to help people and to help those in similar - and worse – situations. I’m willing to work but sometimes it feels there is a force pushing back. When everything feels like such an effort and you feel like such a failure it’s hard to keep going. But you do keep going as many, many people do. But yeah, sometimes it all feels like too much.
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