Life and times of Me...

 The only thing that offends me is when people think they've hurt or upset me or that their actions had any effect on me whatsoever. No, sorry. I'm not some wilting flower of a woman. I am strong and capable and have been taking care of myself for most of my life. I've defeated demons that would make you scream and have survived it all with a smile on my face.

And I smile now as I say goodbye, and go fuck yourself. 

I was about 10 years old when I first heard Prince and I'd been in love ever since. I remember buying a red beret from an op shop and thinking I was the fucking tits, singing Raspberry Beret to myself until my mother begged me to stop.

I didn't cry when my grandfather died but I sobbed when I heard about Prince. His music struck something inside of me and made me feel real.

Hey there!

It’s been a long time since I’ve been on Tumblr, and I think it’s time for a bit of a revamp of my page and make it more of  a blog. I’ll try my best to make it a regular thing as it’s quite cathartic for me to get my thoughts out of my head. We’ll see anyway.

I know that there won’t be many people (if any) reading this and I think that’s a good thing. Perhaps it means I can be more open and honest on here, knowing no one will see it. Not that I’m necessarily a private person, but I don’t like people knowing how I feel or seeing my emotions, if and when I feel anything. When I do feel something however, I find it such a strange thing I can’t quite understand it. I get confused so easily and don’t understand subtlety in the slightest. So frustrating!! I try really hard to fit in and act normal but it’s a daily struggle.

Life has been pretty good lately. Weird, but good. I’ve made friends with a really good group of people and I honestly care about them all and love them dearly (my skwad). Which is a strange feeling for me. I still feel like I’ll never let any of them very close to me ever but it’s more than I’ve felt in a long time.... Possibly ever? I’m making myself believe that it’s a good thing for me, for all of us. I tell my friends that I love them all the time, but I feel as though sometimes that might be me forcing myself into it. Which completely sucks and I know that, but I honestly feel as though I’m frozen inside, and completely walled away. Can I ever truly love another human being? Who knows. I doubt it. It’s my nature though, and I’m at peace with it.

I’ve been reading a good book series recently. The underlying theme seems to be the power we all have within ourselves to affect others and the choices we make in spite of that power. It makes me think about my own choices recently and how I most try my hardest to be better than I am. Before now, I found it hard to care about people in a way that makes a difference, which makes me think I may have lived an incredibly selfish and insensitive life. I’ve burned so many bridges and hurt a fair amount of people with little remorse, but it’s never bothered me before. However the idea of hurting any of my new friends through my selfish actions actually makes me stop in my tracks completely.  A part of me is so afraid that they’ll find out about my true self and they’ll be repulsed and horrified, but I’m attributing that to an unfounded feeling of anxiety that I’m doing my best to push out of my mind.