i sometimes fear that individualism is a myth for me/ i sometimes don't fear that it is, it just is/ i would love to die in the ocean or for my people/ heart is filled with love and the void of a recurring question of where the fuck to put it/ i like you, i love you/ i love you so much/ if we were the only people left in an apocalypse and death would be so close you could feel it breathing and feel us getting breathless, i'd still like nothing more/ where the fuck do i put it? it's taking over me/ it's taking over you, the love that's taking over me is the same love that's taking over you, my love/ we share it, whether you like it or not, whether you know it or not/ we share it/ i like you, i love you/ it's not destiny, i love you on purpose/ i love you so much/ i love you so much and my existence is the proof of that.

why does that not become a habit, something you get used to? or rather you do, and something is particularly wrong with me that i can't. i just can't. it breaks my heart just the same, if not worse, shatters my soul and fuck up my being, just the fucking same. never less, but surely sometimes more.

it's december and i can tell that it's winter for a reason

as tears roll down my cheek, i let the heart roll down some of its longing too. and perhaps some love, some regret and some more longing. because for now, that's all i have.

i love human beings

if i had a penny for everytime you blow my mind, i'll have enough to buy you a rolex watch/ you're the music playing in room at 3 am in the morning. sometimes it's loud and happy, listening to it in that moment, makes me feel free and unstoppable. while sometimes it's calm, just listening to it with nothing in my head but one thought- how i never want this song to end./i have never wanted to pray for someone's hopes and dreams to come true, not even my own, but for some reason i want that for you/ i want to punch you/ i want to hug you/ i want to give you my happy meal toy and i want to lay under the stars with you/ i want to go to a museum with you and listen to you talk about art the entire time/ i even want to go to a duck farm with you/ you're my favourite person to listen to/ i could listen to you for hours and it would be a good ass utilisation of my time/ vintage stuff, before sunrise trilogy, history, and a lot of songs reminds me of you/ why are you like this/ what makes you like this/ we're very different, aren't we?/ i get you/ i don't get you/ you fascinate me/ i want to remember all the thoughts you shared with me/ i want to remember all of you/ i hope you remember that i'll be here, always/ i hope you remember that i love you

i want to sleep. i want to stay in my room, in my bed, all day, all by myself. i want to maybe dig a hole- and stay there. i want to- i don't want to do anything. i'm tired. i want to sleep for as long as possible. i want to disassociate myself from the reality. i want to do something about my brain. not because it's thinking too much, but because it's not thinking at all. i feel numb. i don't know if this feeling is real or not. i want to perhaps consume drugs because i want to feel something. i want to see if the hype is real. i- i want to- be alone. i want to hug a pillow. i want to hug a real person, but not a real person. i want to watch a movie. listen to sad music. brainlessly scroll through instagram. i want to sleep. please. i don't feel well, physically, mentally or emotionally. i want to feel well. is it bad? it most definitely is. i don't want a life like this, but in the moment, it is all i want.