Em

This is a post I didn't see myself having to make but apparently me opening up about my disorder and answering questions when asked didn't get through to some people.

I'm going to start this post off by saying I have a tic disorder. I have had tics since I was 2 years old. I was diagnosed with a tic disorder at 17. I am 21 in two days and have gotten to a point in my life where I am at peace with the fact that I have this disorder but seeing a post like that from someone who I must talk to regularly and therefore consider a friend is disheartening.

I was diagnosed with a tic disorder when I was 17 years old. So nearly 4 years ago. But I have had tics since I was 2.

You have no idea what it is like to never have full control of your body. You have no idea what it is like to never know what you are going to say or do or when you could lose control completely.

I have a part of my disorder that causes tic attacks as a trauma response to shit that I don't want to get into. This presents as literal seizures.

I don't give a shit if the person who sent this was just confused, they could've come to me as I have previously answered questions about my disorder to clear things up. But the fact that any of my friends could think that I was in anyway using my disorder as an excuse to make a joke is fucking disgusting. I have, in many cases, been left completely immobile because of these tics. I have been taken to the hospital with suspected broken bones because of these tics. I have been viewed as racist and homophobic and sexist because of words that I cannot prevent from coming out of my mouth due to what we believe to be corpolalia.

This disorder has truly put me in some of the worst places I could've ever been in. It put me on a medication that altered my brain chemistry so drastically that since coming off of it I have had to relearn how to respond to fight or flight signals. I was 17 and begging my parents to fix me. I was 17 with my psychiatrist talking every week about how I needed to fix what I had done wrong to deserve this. I was 17 and I couldn't leave the house without a parent for risk of hurting someone. I lost all of my freedom and I won't ever get that back because I'm not free in my own body.

I was 17 and I would've been happy to not wake up again.

I still have days where I cant get myself out of the house because I am scared of saying something I can't control.

I've been on call in the server multiple times and had to mute or leave temporarily because I've hit my head on something and I need to check that I'm okay.

I would not and will not ever lie to make my disorder seem funny. Because it isn't. I sometimes say funny things, and call people pedophiles amongst other things (which didn't start in the server it started when I was 16 and I announced it in the store with my father and then cried all the way home). But the disorder as a whole is not funny and I never want someone to view it as such.

If anyone had doubts about my disorder they could've come to me. But instead someone ran to @tojioffline .

I have called one person in the server a pedophile as a tic. And I don't have to share who that is but I will. It's @fricks . There was no context behind this happening, it was something that I said in a call and immediately apologised for. Fricks and I talked so briefly and she said she understood and it did not offend her. I felt insecure about it so she helped make it a joke so that I wouldn't feel as awful.

That is truly the nicest thing that she could have done for me and I will forever be grateful because I felt extremely uncomfortable and she helped make me feel better again.

Now is it a weird joke to have as a server, yes absolutely. But whenever anyone asked I gave the context. Fricks is not a pedophile guys, don't go writing hate asks to her.

But again, if someone had a problem with this they could have told me and I would've stopped making the jokes.

I can mask my tics to a certain extent. I can force the words to stay back but they'll come out much worse later on. And when I first joined the server, I was doing that a lot because I didn't know people. But as I got more comfortable with the group I allowed myself to tic because holding it back is painful and exhausting and we were frequently having hours long calls.

The only people that these tics ever directly targeted have been @fricks @strawb3rryhachi and @lemonswirlss because I am extremely comfortable with these three people. I know that none of them are offended by my tics, and they've been nothing but compassionate.

Waking up and seeing this post sent to me, hurt. I'm not going to lie and say that it didn't. And I've posted about Tojioffline before we know my stance and I still agree that the anons are part of the problem.

But tojioffline is not a doctor. The anon who sent that clearly isn't either. It is not their place to speculate on someone's disability. And a blog that claims to be about JJK drama should not be saying "@ anons" to spread misinformation about a disability and open the floor to people who have hateful things to say about disability.

note: all screenshots in this post were taken from different authors who i believe display traits of ai writing, unless stated otherwise. i will not be naming them. this post is not to encourage hate, but to bring awareness to the topic.

first, lets go over what does NOT indicate ai text:

use of emdashes (—)

i love my em dash. alt 0151 my beloved. em dashes are a hallmark of human writing and date back to the 15th century. they fell out of use when type writers came into market (as there was no button for it), but they remain in literature use to this day.

curly or smart quotes (“ ” / ‘ ’)

i recently found out this is a default setting for apple devices. if someone types on an ipad, it's likely that their work will spit out curly quotes. that being said, it's glaringly obvious that ai has been used in the context when the work shifts from straight quotes to curly quotes. example:

single sentence paragraph pacing: one of the most IMMEDIATE giveaways is the staccato pacing. LLMs are trained to be highly readable, which often results in... constant line breaks—almost every sentence/short phrase is in its own paragraph. while human authors do this occasionally for dramatics, ai uses it as a default setting to create a "poetic" or "profound" feel.

excessive em dash usage—i love my em dash. i have the alt code memorised by heart(alt0151). ai just... uses them to create fake tension or lack of breath.

lack of paragraph density—there are no "meaty" paragraphs (for lack of a better word). humans typically vary in paragraph length, mixing long descriptions with short burst of action. (this was from my presentation. i marked the one that was ai gen with blue (as i have been so far), but i'd hope it's obvious anyway.)

2. "The Gaze" and micro-physicality: LLMs have a specific way of describing physical intimacy and tension that focuses on a predictable set of actions. for example, The Eye-Flick (these are both from the same author, different fics posted a day apart)

this "eye-to-mouth-to-eye" sequence is a staple in ai writing for romantic tension. don't get me wrong, human writers do this too (i might have even done it before idr), but there's a point where it's in every single piece an "author" puts out and you start to wonder if they have any other thoughts in their mind other than "grok make romance" hands/wrist focus—the description of the thumb resting on the wrist to feel a pulse ("Fast. Human.") is a very common AI sensory beat. it uses "human" as a shorthand for emotional weight in a way that feels slightly detached. because... ai doesn't feel emotion. it doesn't understand tension. (also, ai's are OBSESSED with the concept of humanity, so adding in a "human" here and there makes it feel more ""human"" in a way it never will be.) for example, i have 2 uses of the word "human" in a fic i am writing that currently has ~60k words total. here are all 2 uses:

3. sentence echos, rules of 3 and symmetry—AI often repeats sentence structures for emphasis, which is repetitive and blatant when overused. the "not this, but that" construction—

now, this one needs some nuance. human's love 3's. the rule of three has been around in writing forever. it's seen a lot in children's books (goldilocks and the three bears, three blind mice, three muskateers, etc) but LLM's have a tendency to overuse the rule of 3, ESPECIALLY when using adjectives, which makes the writing lack depth despite being bloated. that being said, here are some examples that i think are sus—

(a side note, i would like to thank @moesthinking for highlighting this blog—in the first 3 images—in their anti-ai post. it has been so useful for examples.) (im sorry for tagging you i hope you dont get scared immediately IUGHAIUGHAEGIUAHGUIA)

4. vagueness—because ai doesn't actually "know" what a character is feeling (spoiler; it isn't human), it often resorts to telling the reader that an expression is impossible to read, because it's easier to explain something you don't understand when you dodge the subject matter ex: "...something unreadable flickering there.(in that post i mentioned we'd talk about later... here we are)" human writers are more likely to describe a specific internal conflict or a unique facial twitch rather than calling it "unreadable" 24/7

5. overuse of select words—there are certain words that ai models gravitate toward when trying to write tension or atmosphere. now, human writers also love certain words. i, for example, am guilty of the following:

what can i say! i love saying my characters mumbled/murmured words. but there's a point where it becomes... egregious. some words that are typically overused/used out of place are:

shiver/tremble

electric

palpable

something

almost

pulse

lingered

loomed

barely

there are many more, but it's far too many to list in a tumblr post. of course, none of these immediately mean someone is using ai—these are words that human writers use, and words that i've probably used before, but you begin to notice a pattern after a while.

now, let's get into some speed-rounds because i've been doing a lot of yapping:

uncanny valley of english language/metaphors & similies that dont make sense (rain-soaked laughter, the sound itself burned, opening a door that didnt exist yet, striking the perfect pose in photography)

excessive vague praise (you embodied them / essence of what makes you, you / you gifted them to the rest of us / you give them life)

constantly restating itself or adding unneeded context (see: section 3)

generic stories. human stories typically include the author injected into the writing. (i dont have a direct example for this. here's a bit from a draft of crush that is literally stuff that reminds me of my ex-situationship)

anyways, if you've read this far, thank you for reading. once again, this post isn't to direct hate towards any blogs/works of writing in this post, and to remind you that none of these will 100% confirm ai usage, but it's simply to call out behaviour and provide what i hope is context for those who arent aware. if you're going to actively claim you don't use ai but use it (esp. so obviously), you need to get ████ ███ ███████ ███████ ███ ██████ ████ █ ███████ █████ ███████ ███ ███ ███ ████ ███ but anyways. this blog doesn't have asks on, but i'd love to hear your thoughts in tags/comments. much love yall.