An Eremika AU where Eren takes care of an injured Mikasa and soon realizes he loves her a little too muchโฆ
โง 8k+ words, Canonverse, Day 6 Eremika Week
"I donโt know what Iโd do if I ever lost you, Mikasa. Youโre... so much more. Every death of someone close to me has made me stronger; the pain has shaped me. But living after losing you would destroy meโit would strip me of all the strength Iโve gathered over the years. I donโt think you realize that.โ
Eren shook his head slightly.
โYou matter to me, Mikasa.โ
It was hot. Incredibly hot and his whole body throbbed with sharp pain. Eren tasted the metallic flavor of blood as he lifted his head from the dirt. His uniform was drenched in sweat. He let out a pained groan as he tried to stand on his feet, only for his strength to fail him, causing him to collapse back onto the crushed grass. All around him were green hills and trees, and in the distance, he could make out several corpses wearing the cloaks of the Survey Corps.
The mission had been an utter disaster. Most of the soldiers appeared to have been annihilated. A horde of abnormal Titans had ambushed them in the blink of an eye, leaving no time to escape or fight back. Eren had lost control of his horse and, struggling to keep his balance, he had fallen. He must have hit his head, as he remembered nothing after that.
Everything spun as he finally managed to stand. He summoned inhuman effort to walk, searching for a familiar face. The corpses he passed were emaciated, some missing limbs and, in some cases, only limbs remained. There was no sign of any Titans in the distance. Had they left? Why? His head hurt just thinking about it. No more, he was too exhausted. Eren felt like he would collapse at any moment.
ยซThis shouldnโt have happened. I should have transformed into a Titan. Why? Why? Once again, everyone died because of me, because of my own incompetence.ยป
He scanned the landscape with nervous eyes and labored breathing. With one hand, he clutched his aching left arm, suspecting it was sprained. There was no one alive. In the distance, beyond where he stood, lay a dozen dead horses and soldiers. One was crushed under his horse, another had his torso separated from the rest of his body, and anotherโa womanโwas slumped against a tree, in a position suggesting she had crawled there only to bleed out. Eren took a deep breath, his heart pounding deafeningly loud, his lips trembling.
He walked several more meters, inhaling the stench of death, tripping over his own feet and witnessing the fate of soldiers who had dedicated their lives to humanity. Was any of it worth it? Was it worth giving your heart knowing you wouldnโt live to see that better world?
His thoughts froze when he spotted blonde hair in the distance. Armin, it was him, alive. He was surrounded by other soldiers running to assist the injured, preparing horses and shouting orders, that obscured Erenโs view. They didnโt seem to have been attacked; he saw no bodies nearby, everything was behind him now. He let out a sigh of relief and approached as best he could.
It was chaos. Several people were attempting to make improvised stretchers for the wounded, who writhed on the ground with bloodied bandages wrapped around their injuries. The higher-ups barked orders, he thought he saw Hange and Levi running by, but he couldnโt be sure. When he finally found Armin amid the chaos, his blood ran cold.
His friend was kneeling, bleeding from some head injury, but that wasnโt what worried Eren. In Arminโs arms was an unconscious young woman, one Eren refused to recognize, one he didnโt want to look at for even a second longer because the scarf hanging around her neck sent shivers of fear down his spine. The fabric was even redder with bloodstains. He felt the air leave his throat and his legs moved automatically, running toward them. He didnโt know where he found the strength, but in the blink of an eye, he was kneeling in front of Mikasa, too.
โEren!โ He heard his friendโs voice as Armin finally noticed him. Eren didnโt bother looking at him, his eyes were fixed on Mikasa. On the massive red stain on her chest, hidden beneath her blood-soaked bandages, and her skin, paler than usual.
He wanted to ask what had happened, where they found her, why she wasnโt being treated or if she was alright, but no sound came from his throat. He couldnโt understand how this could have happened. Mikasa, the strongest of their squad, a talent unseen in generations, now looked so fragile and defenseless, the smell of her blood hanging in the air.
โSheโsโฆ sheโs alive,โ Armin hastily said. โA Titan attacked her during the chaos. Iโm waiting for them to finish the stretchers soโฆ Sheโll be fine.โ But Eren could hear the uncertainty in his voice.
He took her from Arminโs arms, pulling her closer as if that could make her open her eyes or reverse the damage. The bandages were soaked with her blood and already needed replacing. He focused intently on the slow rise and fall of her chest as she breathed, as if it were a ticking time bomb. Her face was pale, her lips colorless, her skin cold. She had to be in unimaginable pain.
He remembered their childhood. Mikasa was always the first to run to him when he scraped his knee or lay sick in bed. Now, it was him running to her, but Mikasa hadnโt scraped her knee or caught a cold; a Titan had inflicted a chest wound from which it wasnโt certain she would recover. The mere thought of losing her made his heart pound painfully in his chest, filling him with equal parts agony and rage. She had always cared for him, always tried to protect him from danger, and he was still just as useless, unable to do the same for her. This was all his fault, his motherโs death, Hannesโ death, andโฆ no. Mikasa couldnโt die, not now. She was too young, too talented. Eren couldnโt even entertain the thought of her dying. He didnโt realize tears were streaming down his face until he lifted his gaze and felt the cold breeze against them.
He was desperate, looking around without knowing what he was searching for. He didnโt want to be too rough; Mikasa was resting in his lap, her head supported by his forearm. Armin had vanished, now it was just the two of them. Eren didnโt know who to ask for help. For the first time, he wished he had a god to pray to, to see if, just once, life would hear him.
A weak tug on his shirt snapped him out of his trance. His breath caught in his throat as he looked down at Mikasa. It was her, her eyes were opening and closing slowly, as if she were caught in a dream. Her mouth was slightly open, taking in air, but with every breath, she let out an almost imperceptible whimper of pain. She tried to mutter something, but her voice was too faint for Eren to understand. He held her more firmly, as if that could keep her from slipping away or losing consciousness. He focused all his attention on the figure before him, as if it might be the last time heโd ever see her or not. He leaned closer to Mikasa to catch what she was saying.
โErenโฆ why are you crying?โ he heard her whisper over the chaos around them.
He only stared at her, unsure of how to respond. He noted the dark circles under her eyes and her exhausted expression. He wondered how long they had been there, why he hadnโt noticed before. Mikasa had always wished for a peaceful life, free from battles against monsters or traumatizing massacres. As children, she didnโt even seem like the type of person to consider such things, yet she had. Eren didnโt want to accept why, he didnโt want to acknowledge that her current state was his fault. He just wanted to be strong, to take her away from all of this.
โDonโt close your eyes. Donโt leave, do you hear me?โ he whispered, staring at her intensely, as if that might make her obey.
Mikasa let her head fall to one side toward him, lacking the energy to hold it steady. It was strange to see, he had never seen her so weak. She closed her eyes and Eren was about to protest before she spoke again in broken whispers.
โItโs warm,โ Mikasa said, her voice trembling as if she might cry. โYouโre strong, Eren, the future of humanity.โ
Eren shook his head in denial, feeling the tears gather in his eyes once more. She was saying goodbye, but he didnโt want it to be a goodbye. He clenched his jaw in fury.
โStop it, Mikasa! Are you giving up?โ he said, his brows furrowing.
โIโm not scared,โ she murmuredโor at least thatโs what Eren thought he heard over the noise.
He looked at her, confused, analyzing her face as if it might give meaning to her words. She wasnโt afraid to give up, nor was she afraid of death, it sounded like her. But she should be scared; she couldnโt value her life so little. She had only lived fifteen years; she had a great future ahead. Perhaps a peaceful one, a future where she wouldnโt have to fight against death. She was stronger than he was, she would survive this wound and many others. She might even outlive him. If Eren died, she would no longer be tied to this horrible fate. She would be free.
He didnโt know how or when Mikasa was taken from his arms but, in a second, she was being carried away on a stretcher, far from him. He felt Arminโs hands lifting him from the ground and guiding him to a cart with several dead bodies wrapped up on top of it. He also saw Jean standing next to it and Sasha holding a Connie with a bandaged arm.
โMikasa is going to be okay, Eren,โ he heard Armin say, but his voice sounded distant.
The days and nights passed excruciatingly slowly. It was tedious to be confined to bed all the time, with his head bandaged and unable to exercise. He didnโt understand why they forced him to stay like thisโafter all, he healed faster than normal people, and his wounds werenโt even that deep. Occasionally, he felt a sharp pain in his side and migraines that kept him from sleeping, but that was nothing compared to the state of the others.
However, he was not at peace. His days were plagued with questions about Mikasa and Armin. No one had told him anything, and he knew it was pointless to ask. He remembered that they had undertaken a mission to explore territory in Wall Maria. Everything had gone well until their return to Wall Rose, when a horde of titans suddenly appeared from the left flank, annihilating it entirely. They disappeared as suddenly as they had come. Eren knew it was unusual behavior, even for an abnormal titan, but no matter how much he thought about it, he couldnโt find any answers.
One night, he couldnโt bear being locked up any longerโwithout visits and in total ignorance of the world outside his room. So he got dressed, gritting his teeth as a jolt of pain shot through his ribs, and left his room, headingโฆ somewhere. He didnโt know where. He wanted to see Mikasa. He knew she had to be okay, that she must be sleeping peacefully at that very moment. He wanted to believe that. But the erratic beating of his heart and the sweat on his hands betrayed his own disbelief in his thoughts. Swallowing hard, he set out to search every room down that long hallway.
With each mistake and every unfamiliar face he encountered, his breathing grew faster and faster until the air felt too thick for his lungs. However, in the second-to-last room, he found her. He exhaled a sigh of relief when he saw her lying in bed, with a nightstand beside her and some red flowers atop it. He walked quickly toward her, only to realize her condition. She was covered with a blanket up to her waist, wearing a white button-up shirt. Eren wondered how her wound was doingโit was likely not her only one. He allowed himself to relax briefly. Seeing her in front of him made the fact that she was alive feel more real, the imperceptible rise and fall of her chest as she breathed confirming it.
A faint breeze stirred the green curtains and Mikasaโs dark hair at the same time. For a few seconds, it looked as though she was merely enjoying her sleep on that cold night, but that wasnโt the case. If she had just been sleeping, she would have heard him enter the room and woken up. She was unconscious, her eyes wouldnโt open even if someone shook her.
Eren crossed his arms, shivering against the cold dancing through the air. It still felt strange seeing Mikasa so vulnerable. For the first time, he felt responsible for her rather than the other way around. Maybe thatโs why he reacted so decisively when he heard her mumbling in her sleep and shaking her head from side to side.
โHey, Mikasa,โ Eren said, hesitating a little as he approached her.
She looked frightened, opening and closing her mouth, uttering incoherent phrases, words that only made sense in her mind. Her head wouldnโt stay still, twisting as though trying to escape something growing inside her. Her fists were clenched at her sides, fighting against shadows.
โMomโฆ No, noโฆโ she said, her voice growing louder. โWhyโฆ? Comeโฆ Iโฆโ
Erenโs concern grew quickly. He didnโt know what to do. Her voice sounded desperate, clinging to the faint hope of something only she could see. For a moment, she had become that scared little girl plagued by nightmares every night in an unfamiliar house.
โHey, hey, calm down,โ he whispered just loudly enough for his words to reach her ears, even if she couldnโt understand him. Carefully, he moved closer and placed a hand on her forehead, checking her temperature. She was burning up, and a thin layer of sweat glistened on her skin.
Eren clenched his jaw anxiously. She had a fever. Could her wound be infected? That couldnโt be happening. He fidgeted in place, wondering if he should call the nurse. If they found out he had left his room, they wouldnโt let him visit Mikasa again or give him any information about her. In that case, heโd have to turn to any of the higher-ups for help, though they would probably be too busy. โMikasa isnโt the first injured soldier, and she wonโt be the last. Focus on your mission; we all lose people.โ Thatโs what theyโd say, and Eren would have to swallow his anger.
Mikasa refused to open her eyes, but her movements gradually slowed. Eren cursed under his breath and turned to leave in search of help, but before taking a step, he felt a touch on his hand. So faint it seemed ghostly, like a leaf brushing against his hair as it fell from a tree in autumn.
He turned back to see Mikasa, still unconscious and with a tense expression on her face, but her hand hung over the edge of the bed. He froze for a second before hearing her voice. It was so weak he had to strain to understand it.
โWhyโฆ? Donโt leave me aloneโฆ not again.โ
The world stopped for Eren. The windโs whisper fell silent, leaving only the sound of his breathing in the background. He took a moment to process her murmur, wondering if she was speaking to him. Even though she was delirious from the fever, he couldnโt help but feel the weight of her words. He sighed heavily, shaking his head in confusion.
โYouโre hurt, Mikasa. I need to find the nurse,โ he said, sitting on the edge of the bed. โIโll be back; you donโt have to be scared. Hey, hey, Mikasaโฆโ
Her chest heaved with erratic breaths, and Eren worried her wound might reopen. Nothing seemed to reach her. She looked more out of control by the second, consumed by the nightmares haunting her mind. Eren wished he knew what worried her so much, but there was no time. Hesitantly, he moved closer and took her hand in his. It was trembling and sweaty. He squeezed it firmly to get her attention.
โMikasa, itโs me, Eren, okay?โ he said, watching her closely for any reaction. โYouโre in your bed, safe. Nothing will happen to you.โ
The response he got was a squeeze of his hand from her, her nails digging into his skin. Mikasa didnโt reply with words; in fact, she had stopped muttering nonsense. Now she kept her eyes tightly shut, as though scared to see the world around her, shaking her head more and more slowly. Eren watched intently as her strength faded, and she settled back into a calm state with steady breathing. He didnโt let go of her hand until he was sure she was asleep again. Then, with the utmost care, he got up and went to find something that would bring down her fever.
The fact that it was nighttime worked to his advantage as he sneaked into the kitchenโno eyes to watch him, and the darkness offering protection. Or so he thought.
It seemed someone else had beaten him to a similar mission, though instead of looking for medicine, they were searching for food. A slim figure with brown hair was seated on the kitchen counter, eating what appeared to be bread. Eren didnโt need to look twice to know it was Sasha. He sighed heavily and stepped into the kitchen
โSasha! What are you doing here so late?โ
The brunette looked at him as if caught red-handedโbecause she almost wasโand quickly hid the bread behind her back. A range of emotions crossed her face: shock, fear, confusion, and then recognition. Sasha squinted at him and hopped off the counter, keeping her hands behind her.
โMe? Uh, wellโฆ you knowโฆ what are you doing here?โ Sasha asked, eyeing him in a way that Eren found amusing. โArenโt you supposed to be resting?โ
โArenโt you supposed to not steal?โ Eren countered.
โOf course! Lucky for us, no oneโs stealing here. I, uh, was going to bring this to Connie. I guess now itโll just be half,โ she said, pulling out what remained of the bread from behind her back. Calling it half was generous.
โAh, Connie. Is he alright?โ Eren asked as he rummaged through the counters. โI just visited Mikasa. Sheโsโฆ well, she has a fever now and was saying nonsensical things, but sheโll be fine. If sheโs made it this far, I donโt think sheโll backslide. I need something for her fever. Are there any herbs?โ
Sasha furrowed her brows and glanced his way. For the first time since seeing him, she set the bread down on the table and headed to a section of boxes lining the corner of the kitchen. She opened them one by one, sending clouds of dust into the air. Eren watched, wondering if she actually knew what she was doing. Finally, she pulled out a small glass jar wrapped in worn fabric. Inside was what appeared to be tree bark in grayish tones. She handed it to Eren.
โThey made Connie chew on this when he was at his worst. Itโs white willow bark. All of this is from the new supplies we received,โ Sasha said, pointing to the spot where she had retrieved the jar. โAnd his arm was almost rotted away. It was sheer luck they stopped the infection. I think this also helped with the pain, though it made him sleepy, so keep that in mind.โ
โUhโฆ alright,โ Eren said after a few moments of silence, taking the jar in surprise. Sasha seemed to notice and shook her head.
โI look after Connie a few hours a day now since there are too many patients and not enough staff to care for them all. Thatโs why Iโm familiar with this stuff. Jean and I were allowed to take care of him.โ
That explained why no one was monitoring Mikasa while she slept. They must have been tending to patients who hadnโt even received medical attention yet. The realization made Eren understand how dire the situation was for the Scout Regiment. He hadnโt seen the bigger picture. But to leave someone with such a delicate wound alone for so many hours? It seemed insane to him. Yet, he realized something.
โThen I can take care of Mikasa. Iโll talk to her nurse. She canโt be left alone,โ he said, pocketing the jar in his coat.
โBut sheโs not alone,โ Sasha replied, confused. โJean is taking care of her.โ
Oh. That wasโฆ interesting. Jean couldnโt have been worse at hiding his massive crush on Mikasa, and now he was also taking care of her while she was injured. The image of that egotistical guy checking her temperature or giving her water put Eren in a bad mood. He didnโt know why, but he felt Jean wasnโt someone good for Mikasa.
โJean takes care of her?โ Eren repeated. โAnd why isnโt he there?โ
"Today, he decided to keep me company with Connie. Heโs been spending the past few days with Mikasa," Sasha replied, shrugging, "Sometimes I visit her with him, though itโs not very entertaining to watch someone sleep."
"Yeah, wellโฆ" Eren tilted his head, "Tell Jean he doesnโt need to take care of her anymore."
With that, Yeager returned to the room where Mikasa was resting, running his fingers over the willow bark vial. He realized he hadnโt thought his words throughโhow would he take care of Mikasa for all the necessary hours when he himself was still recovering? But the answer came quickly: heโd discharge himself. Done. One less patient to deal with, which meant more attention for someone who needed it more. He wanted Mikasa to be in good hands and he felt that as long as he was nearby, everything would remain under control.
And thatโs how it went for the rest of the night. Getting Mikasa to chew the bark was the hardest task of his life. First, he had to wake her gently so she wouldnโt move and reopen her wound, but not too gently, or sheโd close her eyes and slip back into the void. After finding the perfect balance between the two and getting a vaguely awake Mikasa, he gave her the white willow bark. She didnโt move her jaw for several minutes until she seemed to remember she was on Earth. The grimaces she made told Eren that it must taste awful, so he tried it himself. It was indeed awfulโfar too bitter. But it was a tree, after all, it couldnโt possibly taste good.
He opened a window to let some air circulate through the room. A fresh atmosphere would help her feel better. She no longer had a burning fever, but her forehead was still warm. Her expression looked much calmer now, and she no longer muttered in delirium or had nightmares.
Eren looked up at the starry sky, observing the bright constellations that stood much higher than any living being, higher than anything that existed in the world. It made him think about what lay beyond the walls, about everything he hadnโt discovered yet. It would be a wonderful life, and he would live it with the people he loved more than anythingโthere was no question about it. He glanced at Mikasa once more before returning to his room, not to stay there, but to drag his mattress into the room where she was sleeping. He took his job very seriously. It was going to be a long night.
The first thing Mikasa noticed when she regained consciousness was a sweet scent, like a warm embrace in the coldest winterโa smell of roses. She knew it well; she had been surrounded by it in recent days. Relying on her sense of hearing and smell had become her new weapon, as her eyes felt too heavy to open, and when they did, she quickly forgot everything she saw in those fleeting moments. It was like being trapped in a long dream, waking briefly only to succumb to the waves of illusion once more. That was why waking so peacefully that day felt like a breath of fresh air.
Her throat felt dry, swallowing was painful, and she tasted bitterness in her mouth. As she tried to move for a better view of the room, a surge of the worst pain sheโd ever felt paralyzed her, stealing the air from her lungs and forcing her head back onto the pillow. She groaned in pain and clenched her teethโmaking any sound louder than a whisper was pure torture. She didnโt notice someone else in the room until she heard their voice.
โMikasa! What are you doing? Are you crazy?โ Eren said anxiously, his footsteps approaching her bed.
Eren... Mikasa turned her head to the left to look at him, taking in his appearance. His hair was messy, and he looked thinner than usual, but he was unharmed, which reassured her. The last thing she remembered was seeing his bloodied face in front of her, whispering words she couldnโt recall. She wanted to be near him, but she couldnโt even sit up on her own. She noticed a mattress on the floor, its sheets and pillow in complete disarray. It looked like Eren had been staying there with her. Warmth spread through her chest at the thought. She glanced at the nightstand and saw a vase with roses.
โIt was Jean,โ Eren quickly announced.
โHuh?โ Mikasa turned to look at him.
โThe flowers,โ he pointed to the roses hesitantly. โHe brought them while you were asleep. Theyโre not even your favorite. How are you feeling?โ
โWhy is he coming here?โ she asked in a weary sigh, ignoring his question and losing interest in the roses immediately.
โWell... they told me he was taking care of you.โ
โJean?โ Mikasa murmured, puzzled. She couldnโt help but glance quickly at the mattress on the floor, and Eren seemed to notice.
โNow itโs my turn to do that. Iโm recovered,โ he clarified, taking a seat on a wooden stool by her bed. โSo, how are you feeling? Youโve been unconscious for five days.โ
How did she feel? Tired, sore, and thirsty. Her muscles felt sedated, and her head felt as heavy as a ton of bricks. Her memories of the mission were fragmented and fleeting. She recalled seeing Titans attack the left flank, where Eren was, and rushing there without a second thought. But she didnโt get far before a seven-meter Titan appeared beside her, knocking her off her horse and trying to devour her. She remembered the stench of death and the creatureโs bloodied teeth, then an unbearable pressure on her chest as blood began to flow. She was convinced she had died, even feeling at peace for a moment... pulled her back. She didnโt know who had saved her from that horrific deathโperhaps Armin, who had bandaged her wound.
โIโm fine, just thirsty,โ Mikasa replied simply. What time was it? No sunlight came through the windows; it was a cloudy, somber day.
Eren looked at her skeptically, unconvinced by her response. But he didnโt press further.
โIโll get you some water,โ he said quickly, standing up. Before leaving the room, he pointed at her. โDonโt even think about moving or trying to get up, got it? Iโll be right back.โ
Mikasa nodded faintly; she didnโt want to leave the bed anyway, feeling utterly drained. She closed her eyes and covered them with her hand to block the faint light in the room, which made her headache worse. When had she become so sensitive? It was almost humiliating how all her strength had left her in the blink of an eye. The pain in her chest lessened with each soft exhale. Once again, she felt calm, and all her worldly concerns faded away.
Then she saw the same vision she had glimpsed when she almost died on the battlefield. A cabin nestled in the greenest field, with crops beside it. Everything looked larger than life, even more colorful. She was sitting on the grass with her mother and father, laughing and talking about trivial matters. Dr. Grisha was there too, along with a ten-year-old Eren. It was so perfect that Mikasa knew it was a dreamโa cruel joke. But she didnโt want to leave. Yet her wishes were ignored. She was forced to watch helplessly as blood dripped from her motherโs dress, pooling on the ground, and her father writhed in pain. The lush green landscape around her withered, joining the macabre orchestra as quickly as it had begun. She heard screams behind her but didnโt want to look, covering her ears and pressing her head to the ground, eyes shut tight. Something dragged her mother away; her cries grew fainter and fainter. For a moment, Mikasa felt herself being pulled too, but then hands gripped her firmly. She lifted her head in panic and saw Eren, his face consumed by fury. Yet in his eyes, she saw a deeper pain, and tears streamed from them.
ยซโEren... why are you crying?โยป she had asked, but then the vision dissolved.
โIโm back!โ a voice shouted, accompanied by hurried footsteps. She clenched her jaw as her head throbbed in protest. โYouโre lucky; there was fresh water. I also brought chamomile tea.โ
โMy head hurts...โ Mikasa complained, rubbing her temples. Eren placed the metal cup of tea on the nightstand.
โChamomile helps with that.โ
โI think, uh... talking softly also helps.โ
โOh... sorry,โ Eren apologized, a faint blush coloring his cheeks. He handed her the water cup as he sat back on the stool by her bed.
Mikasa took a deep breath before propping herself up on her elbows and leaning slightly into the pillow. She clenched her teeth as the unbearable pain returned, reminding her she wasnโt as fine as she thought. She drank the water in one go.
โWant more?โ Eren asked, setting the cup aside. She shook her head, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.
A long silence followed, broken only by the metallic clink of the cup in Mikasaโs hands and the furious gusts of wind outside. It was as if the day mourned all the tragedies that had occurred. The chill gave Mikasa shivers. Before she could pull the blankets over herself, Eren did it for her, draping them gently over her shoulders after taking the empty cup. His touch was soft, his focus evident in every detail. Mikasa wondered why he was paying so much attention. It wasnโt until she instinctively touched her neck that she realized her scarf was missing. It must have been with her bloodied, dirty clothes. Yet she felt possessive of it, unwilling to let it go.
Mikasa sank further into the blankets and sighed. After a moment of thought, she said:
Eren looked up at her voice, tilting his head in confusion.
He didnโt seem to understand what she meant. He moved closer, resting his elbows on the bed and sinking the mattress under his weight.
โYou saw them?โ he asked, then did something unusual. He slid his hand into hers and pulled it toward him, holding it firmly. Mikasa felt the warmth radiating from him; her hands were always cold.
โI donโt remember whenโone of my dreams, maybeโbut I saw them,โ she whispered. โIt was so... perfect. We were together, and I was just a child. I begged my mother not to leave me again, and she looked at me like she didnโt understand what I meant. It was a perfectly crafted illusion, or maybe thatโs the life waiting for me after death. I wanted to stay forever, to have those years back. Everything else Iโd lived through felt like a lie. I laughed with them... When was the last time I smiled, Eren?โ
He remained silent, staring at her. An emotion Mikasa couldnโt decipher flickered in his eyes. The green depths looked pained by her words, and for a moment, she regretted saying them. She wasnโt the only one carrying a burden; everyone had their struggles. Opening up to others wasnโt her usual activityโMikasa was an expert at bottling up her feelings until they overflowed, consuming her like waves crashing against the shore.
โIโm sorry. I didnโt meaโโ
โNo,โ Eren interrupted her sharply, gripping her hand tighter. โI... Iโve never thought about that. I should be the one apologizing.โ
โFor what?โ she asked, tentatively brushing her thumb over Erenโs bruised knuckles.
He opened his mouth to answer but couldnโt find the words. Shaking his head, he sighed heavily. Gently, he pulled his hand away from hers, and the familiar coldness returned. Now it felt like Eren was miles away.
โThe last time you laughed was months ago. Armin, you, and I were together, talking about something I donโt remember. I made a joke, and you laughed a lot,โ Eren said, a small smile appearing on his face before it turned serious again. โIt made me really happy to be the reason you laughed. Itโs not something you do often.โ
After a brief silence, he added in a low voice:
โI donโt want you to ever be sad again.โ
Warmth filled Mikasaโs chest again, the kind that always surfaced when Eren said something that made her wonder if, maybeโjust maybeโhe felt a fraction of what she did for him. She lowered her gaze, sure her cheeks were flushed. Sometimes she hated feeling this way; it made her feel naive and foolish. Years ago, she hadnโt cared about her feelings for Eren because they had no name or significance. If they disappeared one day, nothing would change, because the bond she felt toward him transcended simple emotions. At times, she told herself that even if Eren were a universe away, sheโd still feel his presence beside her. If they died and were reborn as different people, she would recognize his soul the moment she saw him. Mikasa had learned to live with her feelings so well that she sometimes forgot they existed, as if they were dormant.
โIโll try not to be,โ Mikasa replied.
Her heart began to race when Eren looked at her with that cryptic gaze again. She couldnโt understand what those green eyes were telling her.
โI donโt know what Iโd do if I ever lost you, Mikasa. Youโre... so much more. Every death of someone close to me has made me stronger; the pain has shaped me. But living after losing you would destroy meโit would strip me of all the strength Iโve gathered over the years. I donโt think you realize that.โ
Eren shook his head slightly, as if to himself.
โYou matter to me, Mikasa.โ
Tears quickly welled in Mikasaโs eyes, but she didnโt let them fall. She just looked at Eren with an expression of confusion and vulnerability. He had never been this open with her, not since they joined the army, as if his soul had become as sharp as the blades he fought with. But she always knew there had to be a part of the old Eren left inside him, at least a part reserved for her.
โYou matter to me too, Eren,โ she said, staring at the white sheets in front of her.
There was a dangerous undertone in the question, and Mikasa felt it instantly. That unexplained feeling returned.
โVery much, Eren. Iโm very grateful to you. You saved my life and stayed with me whenever I felt alone. Youโre all I have left.โ
โAm I still your family?โ
โOf course, youโll always be my family,โ she said, puzzled.
For some reason, that response seemed to dishearten Eren. He withdrew further into his stool, looking away. A slow-burning panic grew within Mikasa. Was he upset with her? She didnโt know what she had done wrong. Carefully, she moved to the edge of the bed and grabbed Eren by the wrist, pulling him toward her. Even in her weakened state, she still retained her Ackerman strength.
โWhatโs the matter?โ she asked him.
โItโs nothing. Forget it.โ
Mikasa stared at him for a few seconds before releasing his wrist. The wall between them had been rebuilt. Eren seemed like he wanted to say something, but he remained silent, resting his chin on his hand. The atmosphere turned tense in an uncomfortable way. Neither of them spoke for several minutes. Wanting nothing more than to escape, Mikasa closed her eyes and sank deeper into the bed.
But just as she relaxed completely, hurried footsteps echoed in the room. Mikasa didnโt recognize them; she knew the footsteps of everyone in her squad, and this wasnโt one of them.
It was a young nurse carrying a steaming pitcher of water, holding it with bandages to avoid burning herself. Her hair was messy, and her eyes revealed she hadnโt slept more than two hours. Mikasa felt bad for her; if she were healthy, she wouldโve helped treat the sick without hesitation, as she had done before. When the young womanโs eyes fell on Mikasa, they filled with surprise.
โWell, look whoโs awake! Thatโs good, very good. Nobody told me a thing,โ she grumbled, glancing sideways at Eren.
She set the pitcher and bandages delicately on the nightstand. Eren moved the roses and empty glasses to make room. He sat beside Mikasa on the bed, leaving the stool for the nurse.
โI woke up less than five minutes ago,โ Mikasa lied.
โWhat hurts?โ The nurse placed her hand on her forehead. It was cold.
โHer chest and head,โ Eren said. Mikasa opened her mouth to protest, but the nurse spoke first.
โA few days ago, you had a fever attack. It couldโve been a sign of infection, but your wound was clean and as horrifying as ever. Donโt look at me like thatโitโs a good sign. Your body is very strong, itโs impressive.โ
She took the cloth soaked in the pitcher, wrung it out, and showed no sign of noticing how hot the water was. She set it aside before turning back to Mikasa.
โNow Iโll clean your wound and change your bandages. It must be quick; I donโt have much time.โ
The nurse grimaced as Mikasa removed her shirt, revealing bandages stained with blood. She removed them slowly; there were more than Mikasa had thought. She felt them stick to her skin and the unpleasant sound they made, as well as the smell of blood they carried. When her skin was exposed, she became fully aware of how injured she was. A deep cut ran between her breasts down to her abdomenโthe largest wound she had ever had.
She had forgotten Eren was beside her, but he had turned his gaze to another part of the room. Though she didnโt feel embarrassed to be exposed next to him.
The nurse cleaned the wound with the damp cloth, gentle but firm. Mikasa couldnโt take her eyes off her hand as she bit her tongue to avoid complaining. Every time she pressed on her wound, it felt like all her muscles were ready to fight or flee. After cleaning, she applied something that looked like honey directly onto the cut. When she finished, she rewrapped her chest with clean bandages.
โYouโre all set,โ the nurse announced, gathering her things. โThe cut is healing very quickly, but that doesnโt surprise me, given your genes. I estimate youโll be able to move like before in a few daysโnothing extreme, of course. And you, boy, take care of her and no physical exercise, understand?โ
โUh-huh...โ Eren muttered, a confused expression on his face.
After checking Mikasaโs temperature again, the nurse left the room, leaving them alone once more. Eren turned to her and gave her a quick once-over.
โPut your shirt on. Itโs cold,โ he said. Mikasa hadnโt noticed she was only wearing the bandages, which covered her entire chest.
โIโm not cold, really.โ
โI donโt care; youโre sick.โ
Mikasa sighed. โWhatever you wantโฆโ
Eren looked amused as he handed her the white shirt. Luckily, it hadnโt been stained with blood. She was sure she could put it on by herself, but she let him help. He leaned in close to her, and the air between them felt charged with a strange tension. It was a subtle change, like an unknown button had been pressed, and now everything was taking a different path. Their foreheads almost touched, and from that distance, she could count each of his eyelashes. Mikasaโs heart raced so fast she wondered if Eren could hear it.
Despite all the contradictions waging within her, she didnโt look away from those green eyes fixed on the task of buttoning her shirt. What did he mean when he asked how much she cared about him? Eren knew how much she valued him for everything heโd done for her... or was that a question with a double meaning?
Thousands of questions flew through Mikasaโs mind, making her reconsider every interaction theyโd had that day. When he finished buttoning the last button, she grabbed his hands before he could pull away.
โEren,โ she whispered, like a shared secret.
When he heard his name leave her lips, he looked at herโthat look Mikasa couldnโt identify at first and now saw as clear as water. She wanted to take the risk, to tell him, even if it meant throwing everything away if it meant grasping even a fraction of the truth. Because those green eyes looked at her the same cryptic way they had in the past, a way that seemed to confess everything without needing words.
But as the seconds passed and no other words left her lips, she let go of Erenโs hands.
He couldnโt understand how he hadnโt realized it sooner. So many moments they spent together, so much closeness, and so many whispered words that always stayed between them. The inexplicable anger he felt every time Jean got close to her, and the anxiety that overtook him when her onyx eyes met his. It was like a ticking bomb, growing more threatening with every passing minute until it finally exploded. He hated himself so much for noticing it just now. Heโd been so focused on the future and his thirst for revenge that he forgot to look beside him and focus on the present.
He thought Mikasa would always be by his side, that there would be time to set aside trivial matters like feelings. But the moment he held her dying in his arms, he realized that nothing was certain, that she, too, could be hurt and could die. And he couldnโt bear thatโnot at all. He didnโt realize how much he needed her until he was on the brink of losing her. The pain she endured felt as real on his skin as if it were his own, every tear like a stab to the heart. The idea of living without her made no sense. In fact, Eren could imagine a world where she lived a long life without him, but not the other way around. He would die for her and kill for her; he promised it.
The scarf was that promiseโred like the blood that had been spilled for the cause. Eren ran a finger over the soft fabric, noting where some parts were slightly torn. Heโd spent the morning washing it himself after Mikasa asked him to. She had almost fully recovered; she was already walking freely around the room, and the nurse came less frequently. Eren still slept there even though it wasnโt necessary. He spent half his day training, talking to his comrades, and helping carry supplies, and the other half with Mikasa, who was occasionally visited by the others. Armin had asked Eren what was going on between the two of them, but heโd simply said he was looking after her because she was his friendโhis ears burning red, of course. Beyond that, everything seemed the same yet somehow different.
Eren felt something had changed between themโin the way they looked at each other and spoke. Even touching her felt different. Her skin seemed softer, and it was harder to let go. Would it always be like this?
It felt that way because even after he tied the scarf around her neck, his heart was still restless in his chest. He shifted on the mattress on the floor; Mikasa was seated in front of him.
โHappy? This way you wonโt catch a cold,โ he said.
She smiled faintly. โThank you, Eren.โ
Hearing her say his name made him smile too. The way Mikasa looked at him, he knew she must be wondering if something was wrong. And that bothered him. She was so used to the distant treatment he gave her before that now, showing her how much he really cared felt strange. It hadnโt been that long since then, but to Eren, it felt like yearsโas if heโd gone from being a boy to a man without realizing it.
He extended his hand and ran his fingers through Mikasaโs hair. It was black as the night and shiny as satin, almost slipping through his fingers. He tucked a strand behind her ear and let his hand linger there for a moment. Heโd never imagined her skin would feel so warmโit seemed silly to think about, but heโd never wondered what it would be like to touch someone that way. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didnโt notice the way Mikasa was looking at him. She seemed surprised and slightly flushed. Eren pulled his hand back, looking away.
That evening wasnโt as cold as the previous ones; the sun had shone high in the morning and was now giving way to the moon. The silence wasnโt really silentโEren could hear the noise from downstairs and the faint chirping of birds outside. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. Soon, he felt the mattress dip beside him and a weight on his shoulder. Mikasa had rested her head on him. Eren savored the moment for a few seconds before speaking.
โThen sleep. You can use my bed,โ Eren said.
โIt doesnโt make a difference.โ
โI just want to be close to you.โ
Eren swallowed hard. She wanted to be close to himโฆ It felt impossible to think, even though she had told him so before.
She lifted her head from his shoulder, and their eyes met. Something in her expression made him continue. He turned to Mikasa and put his face close to hers; there were only a few centimeters between them. The magnetic force between them grew stronger than ever, stronger than that time when he came so close to ending it all.
โWhy do you want to be close to me?โ he murmured, not pulling away for a moment.
โIโฆ I donโt know.โ
โWhatever it is you feel, I feel it too.โ
His words sounded confident, but inside, everything was chaos. He didnโt know what the hell he was saying or how this would endโhe just couldnโt keep it all bottled up any longer. Being near her, acting as if nothing was happening, as if her gaze didnโt make him question everything heโd believed about her until nowโhe couldnโt do it. And he knew Mikasa felt the same, even if she didnโt know why. Because Eren couldnโt understand how a good person could care for someone like himโa monster.
โEren, you donโt know what youโre saying,โ Mikasa said, her voice trembling.
He ignored her and placed his hand on her cheek, gently stroking it with his thumb. He felt the scar beneath his palmโthe one sheโd gotten because of him. How many more would she accept for him? Mikasa didnโt have to stay with him; she could leave at any moment, realizing that being by his side only brought her pain. That possibility terrified him. He didnโt want her to leave; he wanted her all to himself, no matter how selfish it sounded. Thatโs why he would lay it all bareโshow her the contents of his heart and let her decide. So that if she ever left, sheโd at least do so knowing everything he felt.
โIf you donโt tell me now, we might not have another chance. If Iโm crazy, tell me, and I promise Iโll never do something this stupid again,โ he murmured, taking Mikasaโs hand in his, their own unspoken language.
There was a light in her eyes that he clung to as his last hope. Mikasa looked at their joined hands, keeping her gaze there for a few seconds before returning it to Eren. This time, everything happened so fast yet torturously slow. Mikasa leaned in even closer to him, to the point where their noses touched, and he felt her breath on his lips. She was so close they shared the same air. She was the one to finally break the tension that threatened to consume them alive. She pressed her lips against his and closed her eyes, forgetting everything around her.
A warm sensation greeted him instantlyโwarm and soft. He used his hand on her cheek to pull her closer, moving his lips. He had no idea what he was doing or if he was doing it right, but it felt good, so he continued. She reciprocated, mimicking his movements. For a few seconds, it felt uncoordinated, but they quickly found a rhythm, and then they each lost themselves in the other. Eren couldnโt believe he was kissing Mikasa, that she was the one who initiated it all. And he didnโt feel awkward at allโit was as if theyโd always been destined to be like this. When they pulled apart, they kept their foreheads pressed together, both breathless. Mikasa was the first to speak, her voice a whisper.
โThatโs how I feel.โ
Eren tried to suppress a smile but failed. He leaned in again and placed a kiss on her cheek. He didnโt want this to end. Mikasa rested her forehead against his chest, listening to the frantic beat of his heart. For a moment, it all felt like a dreamโtoo good to be true. But Eren didnโt want to think about that. He gently shook Mikasaโs shoulders.
โHey, itโs more comfortable sleeping on the mattress.โ
โWe already had this convโโ
โShut up; Iโm sleeping next to you.โ
And with that, he convinced her. The mattress was big enough for both of them, but they still stayed close to each other. Eren stroked her hair slowly, hoping it would stop her from opening her eyes every two seconds. Every time she did, he kissed her, so he wondered if that might actually be part of the problem. He didnโt know how they would move forward after the kiss they shared, how they would interact during training, or if it was even possible to handle these feelings while living a life in the military, where there was no room for bonds like these. There were so many uncertainties about the future that it even scared him. But as long as he had Mikasa by his side, the only thing that mattered was the present. Eren placed his hand on the edge of the scarf, staring at the vivid red as if it burned. No matter what happened between them, he would never break his promise.
