emi

and to my surprise: love saved me. but not in the i /found my partner that showed me life is good/ kind of way but in a /i feel light in my chest because i want to live/ kind of way. thanks to my past self, we are not on the war with the world anymore!

i walked away choosing peace over another cold heart. i am not an avoidant anymore. i never was. i always respected peoples emotions so i never got into any relationship, because i knew i couldnt handle it at time. now i can, and i want to. i want to show myself real love. so i walk away with respect when all the guys are spitting in my face and telling me ,,you have to change in order to be loved”. and i dont belive those words anymore. i just leave. and leave. as long as someone will love me just as i am.

i feel so deeply disgusted by the hands that had touched me. and in the same time i wished i could hold them and hear how i am not only enough, but not too much. even if these are all lies. i opened up my heart for one person first time in a life time i actually wanted to give love chance. and i got played even though i thought i suffered enough. lesson learned: trust my body, my intuition. secondly, i opened my heart and got hurt, but it didn’t kill me! so after i digest all the words and touches in my stomach i am ready to give a love one more chance. and after that another, if needed. being lied to cant kill me, but having a closed heart can.

when i felt like my momma couldn’t love me i would make myself a tea. sometimes i have to remind myself that survive is the only and the most important thing i can do. the period of new years is always hard for me, because around that time two years ago everything went down and i lost myself completely. my body still remembers the tiredness and pain i had to carry inside my heart at that time. i went back home for holidays, which also deepened the feeling of being out of control. i got sick again but now i feel it and embrace it. i try not to fall back into this negativity that once took all over me. i hope i can keep it this way. anyways, happy new years to me and anyone who feels the same. sometimes all we can do is make urselfs a cup of tea, while wishing for someone to know the way we like it.

i feel so unbelievably alone. i tried to write about this feeling. dance it out. talk it out. but it doesn't make sense. i have family and friends. i have myself. i speak to god. i love and laugh. i wake up in the morning and make breakfast, healthy one. i take my medications and listen to my body. i moved out and started new life. i study what i love and i do my own laundry. i give myself time to rest, take baths and light candles. i go out and drink, party but also stay at home to rest. i make new friends and cut one's that do not serve my anymore. i made everything i always wanted. i value myself and my life now. i speak to my inner child and i comfort her. i am so much stronger and my poems are not full of death anymore. why there is still this sadness in me? the one which makes me pick my skin and ruin my makeup. the one which makes me hold my own hands because they get so cold sometimes. i wish someone would look at me and be proud and would show me this. be proud that i am. because i am proud but since only trees could hear me cry, no living person know how close to death i was. and i feel guilty for needing such an attention, but sometimes this pain don't feel real. my scars are healing, my hair is growing, i smile more and i do not need therapy anymore. there is this egoistic want, was this pain even real if no one could hear about it?

i yearn for light and easy love. life was too hard for me, im done with things being complicated. if you want to know me, take my hand and kiss it. make me smile and sing. test new food with me and dance when noone is watching. be honest and true with me and i will melt for you.

hi , i ve just got accepted to college and i am moving out :)

all this time i have been denying that who i am and how i feel affects my learning,work,future. as a child i was special,smarter,praised. i was a proud,good child. now i need to get to know myself again. not to require myself to be extraordinary in routine and mundane endeavors. the truth is that the chemical imbalance in my brain, self image problems, aggression and suffering make it difficult to be a good daughter. this applies to me as well. i was hurt and to the end i wanted to keep a good face. i thought i was indestructible, that with a little work i would have an equal chance as others. the truth is that the world is built on the illusion of simplicity, and to hold it, simple people have it easier. I am sorry that I let myself down. sorry that it is so hard for me to forgive myself for this. I am sorry that I am afraid of public speaking, that I want to hide in the shadows, when as a child I loved to present. loved to speak and win. unfortunately something in me has been extinguished and I have to come to terms with it. I'm sorry that I can't be incredibly smart and confident anymore. i really tried to play for illusion, but the hatred that rots in my heart has consumed my strength and for now i need to rest. I can't afford more, maybe in the other universe I never stopped being happy. maybe in the other world loneliness let go of my hand and allowed me to fulfill my dreams and realize my goals. I'm afraid I was never very good, above average - in anything. i miss being young and unstoppable