,,it hit me so bad i had to start taking aswaganda”
ive been in survival mode for my whole life. never knew what was so wrong about me, but i felt like i am just not able to do some things, like it was harder for me to focus and like i never really wanted anything. i feel like i need to force myself to be. ive been trying to escape depression for almost 3 years now. i take antidepressants and mood stabilators, benzodiazepines for sleep but i still feel like those half a year of complete dissociation made a huge impact on who i am now. i remember wanting to kill myself when i was 9. i did not even know what suicide was, but fear was all i ever felt. it turned me into very complex and self aware woman. ive been suffering my whole life and i suffer everyday. i feel disconnected from my body, because it store so much trauma it had to shut down.
when i write it all it seems to be so sad. but i wake up every day and face the world with a hope in my heart. my life couldve been worst, i always had something to eat, a house, two parents. but acceptance was absent, and love felt like i had to earn it. and i was always not good enough for it. it is crazy how such a small things can fucked up a child for life.
i was and still am a really fragile kid. was sick all the time, had troubles with eating, sleeping etc. my mom almost died while birthing me. everything seems like i am not supposed to be here right now. and this is what i truly felt since i was little.
but since i got a chance, i have functioning body and pretty mind and soul i try to make the most of it. and maybe beacsue of my past i am convinced i have some business to do here on earth.
i used to be scared of someone knowing me, i was writing my dairy in ancient language, so noone could ever read my story. but now i am like, please see me, love me, feel inspired by me. read my books, listen to my music, see my face and love my heart. i am tired of keeping it all to myself.
everything flows, heraclitus said once.
if i want to give i have to take
if i want to be listened i have to speak
if i want to be understood i have to understand
if i want to love i have to be loved and to be loved is to be known
and if i want to be known i have to explain, so please ask me, hear me, i am open and honest
i am tired of keeping everything inside, of keeping my grave and temple lonely. please come in, light a candle, give me roses, kiss my cheek and cut me open if that means to be known i am ready to die again.