EMRYS

Riddle me this Batman, why doesn't my wife love me anymore

"No shirt, no shoes, no service" mentions nothing about pants meaning in a restaurant -- the Winnie the pooh look is SANCTIONED no matter what the "LAW" may be

If and when I go missing: Mr Ballen, I was not smart enough to do think any of the shit that would make me suspicious, I was a dumbass to the end

Anyone know a mortgage place that's still doing deals for first borns? Cause honestly, I'm down

My body yearns for the coffin

Why must I endure comical misunderstandings in a show when MURDER WAS AN OPTION, A COMPLETELY VALID OPTION.

Renounce Moo Deng, apparently

Battery optimization ? You mean edging my phone ?

So in the past few days I have not been well, due to the news which we shall not name here. That being said I have decided to completely ignore the existence of the orange fool. How will this work in practice I hear you typing away ? (Shut the fuck up I'm getting to it, and cut your damn nails, wouldn't have to hear your noisy ass typing if you'd clip them) I will acknowledge acts made by the government, and therefore the president, but in an effort to cope, the president in my head will be one of my 3 cats. They are currently contending in a great election season and I'm excited to see which one of them gets the honor of blame for acts beyond their control. That being said how does this help at all ? Well my dear reader, I will simply blame my cat, which I cannot get mad at. Tariffs on items I wanna buy ? That little scamp, I bet he was trying to get a treat and accidentally scratched a paper enough for it to be considered a signature. I will have weekly meetings to address the issues of the state of our house and watch them go completely ignored. If I get deported ? Of course that scamp would I knew in his deepest heart he was calling me a wetback. That being said, you may still be asking how does this help at all? It doesn't I'm desperately trying to find any amount of joy in a worst case scenario and I might need someone to check up on me soon. So why not join me and elect your cat for presidency so you don't have to think about the personification of literally the most unlikeable people in the world.

Naughty toenails have to go to the doctor for SPICY nail clipping, to remove the evil from the nail

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I shake with anticipation as I show my wife my next idea for a Tumblr post, she shakes her head as I am taken back to my cell