☀️Thrives beneath the sun;dances in flames🔥

If anyone on here actually gives a damn about who I am and wanna chat hmu on SC : tortured_flame

Anyway, I dont even know what the point of these posts are anymore.. I have no clue if you see them or if you care or if you have me blocked in a way I cant even tell. I dont know anymore.. and you would think that would make me want to stop even posting at all or just delete the app but I dont, I just do this because I dont know what else to do..

Last night I had a really bad anxiety attack like bad bad. I got completely tense, my chest hurt so bad, I couldnt catch my breathe. I felt completely frozen for a solid 30min. But it didnt just go away.. it stayed and I had to force myself to breathe I felt like I was going to pass out. It left me so extremely exhausted.

Too many thoughts started stirring in my head and I could hear your voice over and over, "if you need me I'm here. If you need me I'm here. If you need me I'm here"

That's all I heard. Your voice was screaming it. I could see your face, your eyes.

I wanted to msg you and ask you to talk to me to help me calm down. But I was frozen. Your voice on repeat. Then on top of that I didnt want to msg u and u either not reply or you tell me to deal with it by myself.. I didnt know what to expect...

Remember how when I would pull the cards when we asked like a "3 month from now future" and they would always pop up "love. Romance..etc"

But when you did it, it was always really conflicted and never a straight answer or it would be "doomful" ???

Remember that???

Maybe it was reading how we felt..

It read that I saw a bright loving future with you. I felt it in my fucking soul that you were it. The one. The everything.

But you... you didnt. You already felt it was doomed. Guess your gut was always the right one tho right?

Just a thought I guess. Its just things that pop in my head every second if every single day. Still.

Do you even see these anymore? Did you block my posts on here and I just dont know? Can u at least like it so I can at least know that I'm not slightly reaching at brick wall... idk... I just wanna know if you're there..

When we were out back trying to get them pissy because she was a fuckin bitch and so we were talking extra loud and you said "I can't wait to marry you, make you my wife. That's gonna be the best the day of my life."

Remember that??

Ya me too.. and it fuckin hurts.. I can still hear you in my head and that wont ever go away.. I hear your voice. I see your eyes. I feel you..

Am I that easy to erase for you?

You still follow my page here I see but I dont know if you still have my notifications on. I doubt it then...

Goddamn...

I couldn't bare the thought of deleting you from anything.. couldnt even let that thought cross my mind no matter how much a post hurt because I didnt want to erase you.

Do you want to erase me?

I really thought it wasnt gonna affect me but my anxiety had other plans apparently.. super.

Glad u can move on so easily...

I really really really hope that you dont think I was nothing to you because I sure feel that way.. like I was just a bump in your road that had to be run over...

This pain is literally eternal for me..

And it seems to you theres no pain.. you're just.. fine..

You know how badly I want to talk to you just to talk and I cant. I literally cant because it causes me pain. Not talking to you causes me pain. It's all painful no matter what I do. Talk about. Dont talk about it. Distract myself.

I asked you why you gave back that coffee mug and the ring and you said "I guess I didnt want the reminder"

And yet you keep all this other stuff? How can you say you dont want the reminder but yet you still have other reminders?? How does it not hurt for you to keep those things? How does it not cause you pain seeing it just sit there right on your shelf right where you can see it???

All except for my bitch bracelet and moose necklace. That I still have in a bag put away. Definitely not on display and I'll never wear it.. but idk I guess I just feel things differently..

But glad your enjoying yourself..

I hope you like your birthday gift once it gets to you next month...

I went to delete the picture file I had saved of you because everytime I opened my gallery I saw your face.. your eyes.. you... I couldnt bare it.. it was killing me... so I hit delete.. but then I saw a screenshot I forgot I had taken of our texts that I saved.. then I remembered why I saved it.. I saved that shot because it was my reassurance that you werent going anywhere.. it was my reassurance to help when my anxiety got really bad..

I couldnt delete the screenshot...

I wish I could take a selfie without looking like the most pitiful person in the world..

I've tried taking pictures, I cant.

I dont smile. I look completely terrible.

And no I'm not trying to make you feel bad about your post, do you.

I just wish I could be that way I guess...

Got hit with yet another full blown hard af anxiety attack. This one didnt even have a trigger. I was just full blown slammed into a fucking brick wall.

Part of me wants to ask you do you miss me like I miss you? Does this hurt this bad for you too? Do you still cry?

And none of that even havin any kind of attitude behind that, I'm genuinely curious but also afraid to ask.

Then to top that, what happens when I look and see what time it is..?

12:34 isnt that always the time..?

Do you know how hard it is not to notice that time? Because it feels pretty damn impossible to me..