skinn_deep

I thought you were my person. My life partner, but I was just reminded that while you are my best friend...I am not yours.

And my mother. Showing up to court with our abuser. Just wow. I don't know how to feel about that.

They might be sad to hear that I was gone.

But miss me? No.

Probably relieved is more like it.

I'm seriously considering if I want to be here.

It sucks here.

I've had so much abuse and emotional negligence.

I am suffering and it's so unfair.

Yea, sure I have a place to stay and I know there are people worse off than myself physically.

But emotionally?

I am suffering.

I still apologized to the people I hurt. Even though what I said was absolutely true. I literally went to school and learned how to recognize the signs and how to identify them. It's in my fucking job description, I can't turn it off it comes naturally now. Yet here I am facing punishment for something no one was supposed to hear.

What does having a best friend feel like?

What does love feel like?

I'm not sure if I've ever experienced any of these things to be honest.

And that might possibly be the saddest thing ever.

I know I have good things sometimes.

But never have I had these three things all at once and some not at all...

And aren't these things the only things that truly matters?

It boils down to one word, love.

I've only experienced conditional love.

As a woman, I’ve been called everything under the sun; awful things, terrible things, hurtful things. Fortunately, I have developed a thick skin for being called names, I’ve been hearing words like that from a very young age. They’re hurtful, yes; but only if I let them be. I am not the things others call me. 

However, there is something wrong with me. Why do I say such rude things to others? What TF compels me to say some of the things that have come out of my mouth? I never hear it until much later, the thing I said. It’s like I check out and don’t really process that it’s rude? It’s so bad that I’ve chosen to not talk to others in a group setting because I don’t want to say the wrong thing. And yet? I always seem to. It’s so goddamn frustrating. But not as frustrating as having to listen to people spout their hatred, bigotry, misogyny, know how wrong they are and being powerless to do anything more than speak up. But speaking up always leads to me getting so much hate back because I don’t believe in staying silent to please those that are part of the problem. 

I wish you'd think of me. I wish you'd loved me a least for a while. I wish I had listened to my heart when it was telling me you would never love me. I wish that you and your friends hadn't pressured me into being with you. I wish that we had never been. I wish that I hadn't been so attracted to you. I wish you had never been attracted to me. I wish you had never come for me.

I never thought you would like me. I wasn't pretty enough for you. You were this gorgeous man with this deep ass sexy voice. The first time I met you I remember telling myself "NO!" and "He'd never like you!" But you did...and you came for me. I still remember the party, the move you made for me. I can picture it in my mind because I was so excited that "holy crap you did like me!" We were all sitting around my backyard/pool, bullshitting and talking, smoking and drinking... I'm sitting and all the chairs are full, you come out and look around for somewhere to sit and I being the gracious host, move out of my chair for you. As I'm moving to a new spot; I suddenly feel your hands slide around my waist, pulling me towards you as you sit in my previously occupied chair.

How could you? How could you come for me knowing you'd never love me? For awhile it was like you couldn't get enough of me. Always there, always time for me. Hell you helped me look for my puppy when she was scared amd hurt and missing. I thought then you'd tell me you'd love me. I thought that proved it. It made me love you, after all.

I told you I loved you at that end of the year. Midnight on NYE, it's romantic...I thought...for sure you'd say it back, right?! Oh how wrong I was...so very wrong... I remember taking the plunge and saying it... Midnight kiss *deep breath* "I love you." I say. You look at me and I know you can see the wish in my eyes, the hope. I never could hide my emotions in them, window to my soul is damn straight. And you kiss me again and hug me tight, but say nothing...and my heart bursts...into millions of pieces. Nothing, I think...he said nothing... My head goes a mile a minute the next few hours...you never stop smiling and we're still having fun... Partying with our friends having a blast. The next day I ask...it was the boldest question I've ever asked... "(Bfs name) did you hear me last night?" You pause, look at me. I can tell you're reading me; not wanting to hurt me, but at the same time choosing to be honest. You nod slowly. "And you don't feel the same way...?" I ask...hoping you'll say otherwise still. You nod again, agreeing and acknowledging my question. My heart bursts again, but I surprisingly don't cry... "You knew", I thought. "You already knew and you tried anyway." I leave and tell myself I'm not coming back. I can't stay. I won't stay. Why stay with someone you know doesn't love you?!

The next day, you call. My heart jumps at the sight of your call. "NO!" I shout to myself, leave him be. Ignore him! He doesn't love you. "Why are you even calling me?!" I think. "You don't love me, you just told me... Why are you bothering with me?!" I don't answer; somewhere in my gut I gain the courage to say no, but our mutual friend calls me and wants to hang out. I answer him of course and we go...after a few hours he asks the question I know he's here for. "(Bf's name) said you didn't answer him today." I stare at him, contemplate my answer and plunge for honesty. "He doesn't love me back." I say. He paused..."I know (bf's name) cares for you, you've only been dating a few months. Why in such a hurry?" I think this through and think he's probably right... "Maybe (bf's name) just is not ready to tell me yet?" I think, lying to myself.

You call again the next day wanting to see me, wanting to hang out. In my mind I think "WHY?!" But I love you and my heart wants you, so I agree. Foolishly hoping. I was such a big fool. We hang out all day and it's a blast, as always. We were good together for a time...it was so good at first... But it was a lie and from then on I knew it and it was like you broke my heart every day. Literally. I was always hoping, every day, today would be the day he tells me 'i love you'. Every day for the next year and a half, slow steady torture of the heart. I pretended a lot that it was fine, but we both knew and it ruined what little we had. Which as I look back now was nothing more than you getting over the girl you did love. It was always about her, I should have known. The night she asks you to drive her home from the bar the next day and you agree, was like a knife. "I'm just picking her up and taking her home, nothing more I promise." You kiss me and leave our bed for her. I should have walked then. I bet you did cheat on me. I'm sure you did. Why wouldn't you, it's not like you loved me. But still my heart wouldn't let go... I stayed. I should have left. I wish I had. But the heart is a strange thing and sometimes it's so powerful that it over-rules the smarter more conscious mind.