L.S

What I wanted I got. When I got it it was better than I expected So I wanted differently.      ain’t up to me. What I asked for was based on conditions of past traditions I ain’t realize I ain’t never put to rest    like where’s the rest? how do I get this one to last it ain’t like the things I just left           i left a mess

i MEAN i warned them. What I longed for I got. Under the undertone of the things I grew to know I prepared for a luke warm serving of reborn metaphors I said I Seen it all before but its like you heard me and built a door just to tell me I ain’t never tried this one before. Like where they do that at? If I ain’t know better Id say its a trap  cat and mouse  in the field around the house it’s a push and pull cause you don’t wanna let me in but you cant let me go I mean, I know. I get it.  We’re both kinda magnetic It’s a little toxic slightly polar opposite A parallel duality  because you’d rather be entertaining  personalities that reflect the former person I used to be  while simultaneously ignoring the fuck out of me. let me back up.

This morning I woke up with a thought that has been consistently floating around. I woke up slightly blah, wondering what’s next to look forward to. Bouncing around all of the things I have going on and asking if I’m doing enough or what’s right. This weird desire to always do what’s right. And I realized something. 

I always look for messages and signs. I read my horoscope and go to church. I sage, and pray. I converse with heavy thinkers. I listen intently to poets, eyes closed, and when I feel something resonates I move on it. If its a confirmation I continue course, if it seems like a foreshadow or a warning I will evaluate and address areas I feel may need attention. If I need to adjust or limit or change, I begin to do those things. If I feel like I should pay special caution, I will. One thing that has been faithful to that process; however, is that whatever I’m “preparing” for, almost never ends up being what unfolds. The ways in which I can see things align or looks like a smooth path is rarely ever smooth. Contrarily, it ends up being the extraction of whatever comfort shield I’ve nestled myself under. What’s funny about that is, I notice my initial interpretation is that xyz is a terrible turn of events and now I must scramble to make it right. I have to cut more out to put a microscope on what’s current. 

I don’t know if other’s experience this. What I do know is that in current events and interactions I’ve realized that this leads to heavy isolation. The plus side, is that your focus is on improvement. The down side, is the inevitable need to undo these behaviors once you’ve “finally reached a point where you’re comfortable” or have “finished fixing” or whatever. Because, the whole goal is to be in a position in life where you’re content and things are smooth and life is butterflies and never-ending dandelions which for some strange reason in your mind always seem much more vibrant and beautiful than they generally are in real life. and there’s always super green perfect grass which is only seen in Ireland or when treated by TrueGreen and there’s countless moths and super blue skies.

Don’t get me wrong. That image is hope and we should all never let it go. But, perhaps the extraction is because the shield is really a weight. Perhaps you get a flat tire because you were never suppose to take the trip anyway. And today, and every day that you wake up is a chance to do something new, create something greater than whatever limitations that shield is preventing you from doing. Maybe what you think is a loss in the long run saves you thousands of dollars in damage control because your blinders have made you complacent in current circumstances while you wait on some big outside influence to save the day.

So today, we live for today. We stop pushing people and offerings away. We stop waiting to do something just because we believe there will be a better time. We counteract our limiting beliefs by actively acting against each one as they surface. We say thank you for everything, and not just as a habit but truly connect to the gratitude. We recognize that our frustrations are a perspective tied to our limitations and our expressions are projections which we need to address within ourselves. We learn to not fear our own reactions and live proactively. 

"Paradigms are powerful because they creae the lense through which we see the world. The power o a paradigm shift is the essential power of quantum change, whether that shift is an instantaneous or slow and deliberate process”

Still trying to understand

how people write without a vice.

I need advice.

Preseason for this new me

Feels like dapping up friendly enemies.

Displaying multiple pedigrees

On transforming.

Not forcing

All the ways one could foresee

That divorcing ideologies might result in toxic nonsense

I mean it’s common.

Though admitting it; maybe isn’t

At least not until you get tired of the waving finger

Condemning you to repent.

I mean it makes sense

But the condemning doesn’t

So we regress so we can digest

I mean digress until it makes sense.

Whatever.

Temporary and often.

Cyclical like clocks and

Calendars, lunar cycles and stopwatches

Hm.

We don’t have to be anything we’re not.

But all that we are need be consistent and unapologetic.

I’m trying to get up. I’m trying to get moving.

I’m trying to stay occupied, but it looks like

Half a day of sleep.

Silence, holding back tears.

Yesterday’s work clothes, and the dogs haven’t been out in hours.

A beautiful day beckoning the sunset.

Limited responses, a rumbling stomach.

But you know what?

I haven’t drank yet. No smoke yet.

Always comes creeping when I’m tired of saying “I got this.”

Truthfully; I don’t got shit.

Just some half shuffled dusty ass dreams disconnected from reality.

I lost a lot of me, I don’t know where to get it back at.

So I just snap at anyone who wanna show me support through the stress. Like, what a mess.

“A day at a time” they say. “Progress takes time.”

Approximately 12,045 of them and all I’ve done is lost count of sorrows and fuck ups.

Sorry I fucked up.

I’m just talking to myself though, even when it is directed towards them they don’t hear me.

I’ve gotten good at forcing the world around me to take a step back.

My silence is offensive and my frustration is misplaced. If I can’t carry this weight what makes you think that you can?

#20/20Vision. Bottling up wisdom Over years like fireflies on a shelf.. Or some madd scientists Professor ...Dr. Frankenstein patching past together for the perfect chance to take a stand and then some.         Take a stand and make a name everyone will remember

They’ll all remember A time they lost it all. All their systems, their perfect visions         On how the world will finally reward them. 10 yr plans at the drop of a dime, A stop in time. Hamster wheels no longer spinning just the gears within them.

There was a time when a lack of access Provided access to excess        Consciousness Where the scope didn’t hold the ropes and tie off boundaries. Where creative minds found time to stretch inside them.

The time is now.

Repetition isn’t just for fashion and infants. It’s a chance to begin with more than you’re left with. An empire doesn’t take 100 years And wealth is worth more than just monetary ideas. 2thousand twenty years of trial and evolutionary volunteers.

The message has been clear.

It begins and ends inside you. Systematically, biologically Creativity is the default functioning of the brain in its entirety. Unite’t with the solar plexus?        I mean your guess’ as good as mine. Tunnel Vision Perfect sight Take a break, Just Stop wasting time.

It’s been a long time coming. I’ve rehearsed it      well, actually I haven’t. I imagined you wouldn’t even know me      I rehearsed all of the ways that you wouldn’t.

I ran through how many times I could share a space with you,      without you ever knowing. They say the spiritual realms releases you from the constraints of times and emotions,       like a peaceful way..  so I suppose all that rehearsing wasn’t worth it.

I’ve worked on calming my heart enough to hold a steady hand in your favorite restaurant,     so I could serve you progression while you don’t notice. Worked my ass off I wanted to be so known that any TV screen or billboard would learn to haunt you       Without you knowing...of course.

I’ve said it once,  i’ll say it twice.  But to repeat myself I mean, what’s the point?

Fuck a shrink. I’m not fucked up...      Maybe just fucked up... Once or twice. Reevaluating my past decisions? You think I write just to catch a rhythm? I don’t need this couch.  I’ve got my own. Well - maybe it’s a car, but I thought we weren’t keeping score.

I’ve done my work made peace with God I keep a bible, it’s somewhere in the closet. How many notes can you take anyway? I’ve got journals that look better than yours,       I made sure. And you see this pen?  I told you I’m a writer,  that’s my therapy. So this here?       It’s a waste for both you and me.

What can you tell me that a stage didn’t already teach? How do you know what I’m thinking?    huh? shrink?

A blessing and a curse.          Darkness. the most suffering and the most growth.          For what it’s worth, We close our eyes and imagine all the potential, the “what could have happened” I mean it’s natural.         Seclusion.  Meditation.          sometimes medicated, A cocoon of great escape.  to a 5th dimension while staring into endless pits . One slip could keep you captive,         You should be careful. I mean, You know what happens.

One minute it’s just a second  see, that’s the blessing. A quick reminder,  call it a cat nap Just remember to snap back. The sun doesn’t rise and set No moon to rotate it’s positions. We love the darkness, and it loves us.         but don’t play the victim.

It is darkness for a reason. No masks needed, Not just a season of gloom. It is darkness,         our oldest friend.

I want to start by apologizing, for letting fear rule my position. For never giving the thought of you a chance...       to prove me wrong.

Sometimes I reflect on faded fantasies. These days I try to see them in visions of “success”. What would it be? Picket fences, mini me’s. It’s a new world looking at 33.

Would I break cycles? Or continue these? Would it just be you and I? Or a family? Would I stay for it? Or would I leave?

Dear Agony Let go of me Suffer slowly Is this the way it’s got to be? Dear Agony... I let you run a portion of my life I suppose; realistically, I say portion because I’m still alive. Dear Agony, Silent partner in crime. I’ve seen you hold on to the hopeless,  throwing luck around like some sort of God send. It always felt like a coincidence more to me, than to them.  You let me suffer when I knew we’d be better going our separate ways. I treated you well,  with empathy and you returned the favor with suffocation.

Mirror Mirror on the wall. I’m hoping that you never fall. Mirror Mirror on the wall I’ve learned to need you after all. They say self love is the best love. The most crucial to development, this double edge. I wish they told you it would make you hate you; more. Way before you loved you instead.

Mirror Mirror on the wall, sometimes I wish you’d be quiet long enough for me to brush my teeth. You magnify silence so loud that it rings. The kind that requires you to pull out the lion within,  projecting a roar just to mask the calculation mayhem. I’ve had so many questions, so many suggestions. So many test runs, and rehearsals.

Processing 001004022020 Processing.... Error detected Processing.... Error detected? Cntl. Alt. Delete. Strange. There is a memory shortage I’ve been searching Archive files Locate: Original manual... it’s here somewhere. Launch: antiVirus Scan 2% I can feel the fan slowing I just need a reboot. Files are harder to access. I wish I could pull up memories faster. Ones of the old days, of how I passed the time then. Scan 4% My buttons have been pressed endlessly Short circut; Johnny 5 haunting me.

Such high expectations but it seems my systems failing-Jeeze.

Wakey wakey. it’s silent here today, little erie.

I thought you may want to stay a little longer. it’s strange here today, little hazy.