mind racer🏎️

I think not enough people understand that Shane was willing to give up hockey for Ilya from the beginning. He is dead set convinced that being outed, especially with his League assigned enemy, will ruin any chance he has to play hockey professionally. And yet he still is the one that prompts their relationship becoming serious at every turn. He asks Ilya if he feels it too at the Tampa All Stars. He asks Ilya to come to the cottage. He asks Ilya to be honest about his feelings. He makes a ten year plan to get to a point to be together openly. He proposes. Shane has been choosing Ilya over hockey since the minute he said 1410 and he has reinforced that decision every time. And hockey is *everything* to Shane. It is his reason to live. He genuinely has never wanted anything more in his life- except for Ilya. Ilya asking “would you choose me over hockey” is the equivalent of asking a partner “would you die for me”. It’s intense and heavy and alarming. The fact that he hesitated is because he knows how scary the choice is to say aloud and he still does. Shane saying “fuck you” to Crowell is literally the most punk thing he could have done.

(s)creaming

imposter syndrome is so funny like fuuuuck i hope nobody finds out im tricking people into thinking im competent by knowing things and doing them

I know we’ve talked about this before but the retroactive realization for Shane Hollander that Ilya has been his future husband the entire time must have sent that boy spinning. What do you mean I introduced myself to my future husband. What do you mean my husband was there standing beside me the day I got drafted. What do you mean I jerked off to thoughts of my husband on the most important day of my entire life up to then. What do you mean my husband took my virginity. My husband and I watched each other grow up. My husband and I fell in love for the first time together. My husband was my first ex. My husband has been the most consistent, sensual, irritating, understanding, solid, loving presence in my entire life. Since I became a man, the thoughts I have reached for to comfort myself or bring myself pleasure have been those of my husband. I memorized the moles on my future husband’s body before I fully understood the wants and needs of my own. My husband taught me how to pleasure a man by pleasuring me. The first person I willingly came out to was my husband. My friends have NEVER known me at a time in my life when I was not in love with my husband.

i literally can not breathe

it feels good to be nervous opening tumblr in public again now that my dash is just gifset after gifset of the heated rivalry boys going at it. i pulled up tumblr.com in the coffee shop without thinking and the old german man at the table next to me had a front row seat to the riding scene in stunning technicolour before i shut my laptop lid. it's like how they're digging holes in the deserts of tanzania to restore degraded land and heal the ecosystem, except the only hole in this case is shane hollander's

unfortunately i can’t respond to your text because it stressed me out for no reason and now it’s been too long so i’m just gonna ignore it

washing your face is actually multi tasking because you are also washing your hands and forearms and shirt and countertop and feet and floor and hair

Oh. Ilya isn’t being nice to all the gay hockey players he meets by tripping them into the arms of their love interests because he wants them to be happy. He’s tripping them away from his love interest. He’s gonna make sure those hot rich men are otherwise occupied so they don’t go sniffing around Mr. Hockey himself, Shane Hollander, who they may or may not have heard a rumor about him being gay and probably available— Quick! Diversion attack! Go flirt with the cute social media guy! Look! Attractive bartender! Sexy musician, go go go!

fuck

wearing a necklace is like: *moves clasp to the back* *moves clasp to the back* *moves clasp to the back* *moves clasp to the back* *m