cool sunglasses emoji.

My father heard about Grindr from one of the new trainees at the firm and decided to make an account because— and to be clear, these are his words— he’s getting old and wants to stay hip with the kids.

I don’t think he realizes what he’s signed up for, or how gut-wrenchingly terrifying it is for a son to stumble on his father’s profile. Nevertheless, this is certainly the last time I’m interning for my father.

This is, without a doubt, the single most terrifying thing I’ve read all summer. And here I thought I’d read a lot of fucked up shit, but no. Nothing even comes close to this. If I saw my father on Grindr, my phone was going straight into the microwave. What, and I cannot stress this enough, the fuck.

Just send me a snap and it’s settled! You’re right my friend. I can’t even picture a world with just humans! Which is why I’m glad we have aliens, ghosts, and all the other creatures of the night. Terrifying but it does make life more interesting I have to admit. You think she has potions too? Oh my goodness, imagine her lair! It must be insane. You know, in the beginning I was scared (and I still am) of this journey you’re going on but I think I want to be apart of it now. If it isn’t too late I hope. Hm, well hopefully they see that we’re nice humans who just want to learn more about them! 

I can’t believe it. You’ve just solved so many of the struggles I’ve gone through over the past two years. Thank you. A world with just humans would be boring. And totally unrealistic. Aliens are the real MVP. Oh, definitely. Potions are peak witchcraft as far as I am concerned. It’s never too late to join the journey and I would absolutely love to have you in on it. If they can’t see that and decide to mess with us, you have my word I’ll take one for the team, should things go south. Not that I’m counting on things going wrong. We’ve totally got this.

You’re so obnoxious. And you only won because you got an easier word than I did, so that’s total bullshit. Okay fine, let’s do it. It will be a good summer project, abolishing het PDA in Lima, Ohio. We’d go down as heros.

Cool, cool. You got anymore insults you need to get out of your system? Also, quick question. Do we really need to argue about this again? You know I’m gonna disagree with you, we’ve literally not made any progress ever. I still don’t know if we’ll be successful, but it’s a chance I’m willing to take. How do you feel about starting with a brainstorming session?

You’re welcome and anytime, honestly. Test run? Besides, we both know that your sister wouldnt go.

You’re the best. Test run! You’re a genius. Also, my sister would totally go...... if I call Joe Keery and get him to join the investigation. Or maybe if you go. I’m not sure, but I’m really hoping. Quinn in a haunted house is, like, the dream.

Just be glad you haven’t gotten lost in the YouTube hole of paranormal videos. While it isn’t quite my cup of tea it really is interesting. It raises quite a few questions which I think makes life that much more exciting. Well I may not be the most competent investigator or know the best place but if you need a pretty face with an amazing outfit I can totally help with that.

I wish I hadn’t, Dias. I really wish that I hadn’t. All my ads on YouTube are about the mysterious circumstances of which the pyramids were build. Okay, that and Magic: the Gathering, but that’s also completely reasonable. You are the most competent investigator! Or at least you’re among the top. The only incompetent ones are those who’re too scared to go and that’s completely fair of them. A pretty face with an amazing outfit is always needed, especially if that face is yours. Just know that the hot one historically is the first one to go missing. In the unlikely events that we do find something, I just want you to be ready to face that reality.

That’s a pretty depressing outlook on things, Fabray. But I mean if that’s how you really want to go, who am I to stop you? But alright, when you’re inevitably mauled by some sort of demon or something, I’ll make sure they tell the real story and the actor they cast to play you is cute. And I’ll make the dance truly impactful. Your whole funeral will be crying. It’ll be like a My Chemical Romance video but more tragic.

I beg to differ, Clarington. Optimistic nihilism is way less depressing than believing in predestination and general meaning. Being of the idea that life is meaningless means that there’s no one to disappoint if I don’t live up to what I’m supposed to be doing. Meaningfulness is far more terrifying and depressing in my humble opinion. You are by far the most talented dancer I know and if anyone should be in charge of telling my story, I’m happy it’s you. Getting someone cute to play me is literally the dream and I’m immensely happy that you knew that. You’re the true bae and I believe in you. I’ll be back to haunt anyone who don’t. If you’re too cold to cry about beautiful, tragic dance, you deserve to be haunted. That’s, like, the most tragic a thing could be. I’m glad we’re going out all the way.

And I will always fangirl over them. That is so very true, it isn’t a family trip if we don’t get the full life experience. If only I could give them the answer of ‘be anywhere but at this family dinner’. I mean…you got me there but you will still get the hugs. Or anything that will get that adorable smile out of you. 

Samesies. ‘Be anywhere but at this family dinner’ is the true answer and I really do hope you said it, because let’s be real. It’s iconic as heck. I wish I had that kind of bravery. I will not turn down the hugs. And it’s not like I’m doing anything but dramatic crying, so a smile is almost certain.

Woah, woah, woah. Back up. Are you implyin’ I don’t look glamorous in my stained and sudsy apron? I’m hurt, E. And to think, I was gonna suggest you stop in and see me some time so I can hook you up… Unfortunately, haters aren’t eligible for the 15% off friends + family discount.

Sounds like a plan, man. Any contribution is much appreciated. I’m all about saving these days. A tux isn’t the only thing in the budget, after all. Not trying to cheap out on my promposal or be a crummy date ’cause I can’t treat the bae (whoever he may be) to a dank hibachi steak.

Technically, I never said such thing. Just because the job ain’t glamorous doesn’t mean you aren’t. I’m truly sorry and hope that I can some day do something that’ll make it up to you, unbreak your heart and remove me from the list of haters (where I obvs don’t belong).

I’m always right, Fabray. You have a point there, I don’t want to sit around listening to you drone on about cryptids.

We both know that’s a lie. And that’s not me bringing up 3rd grade to be a jerk, but rather that literally no one’s always right and me believing you know that. And yes, I’m always this annoying and pedantic, we’ve been known. I am capable of separating a business meeting from a situation where it’s appropriate for me to talk about cryptids, thank you very much.

SEBASTIAN: What secrets do you know about Jamison Berry?

SEBASTIAN: Seeing as you're his rival, I'm sure you must have some good dirt on him.

ELIAS: at this point in time? absolutely nothing.

At least you’re self-aware.

Yeah? Are you planning on putting up a statue in my honor?

At least I’m self-aware.

In this case, though, it’s actually true.

I was only using it to mock you, that doesn’t count.

Yeah, yeah, that’s what I’m saying, dude. The leading man essence is real. You practically only need a new, fun and exciting hair color, and you’ll be good to go.

You know I don’t. Of course I want hets to stop with the gross, forced PDA, every gay does. I haven’t a plan yet. But I suppose we could attempt to side aside our…differences…for a good cause.

I cannot argue with you on that. Shocking, I know, but when you’re right you’re right. Now, if we’re being realistic, our chances of success are slim to none. People don’t like things being taken away from them, even if it’s for the greater good. Do we think our results will outweigh the amount of time we’ll actually have to spend in each other’s company to potentially achieve nothing?

How could you not? Broadway shows are amazing. Could I say both? Nothing terrible happened but a lot of boring conversations and questions of what I want to do with my life. Oh my goodness, no crying allowed. Not unless I can see you and hug you.

They really, really are. You can absolutely say both. I feel like that’s the full family event experience. Can you really say you’ve spent enough time with them if you don’t question what you want to do with your life at the end of the day? This is my party and I’ll cry if I want to, although hugs are definitely allowed!

I am a little shocked you somehow haven’t managed to see them all. That’s very fair, mom isn’t exactly a ball of fun when I’m not around to drag you two, or just you, around on my adventures.

I feel like you’ve maybe watched Heathers one too many times because this seems like more of a fall close to Halloween activity. Unless you’re on a stranger things high, in which case bring along a man who looks like Joe Keery and I’m very much in.

That... is honestly very fair. I’d probably be too if it weren’t for the fact that I’m me, I guess. I mean, I wish I could say you weren’t right, but we’ve been having a game of Monopoly going over multiple nights. Monopoly. That’s exactly how wild things have been.

In case you didn’t get the memo, I’m not like most people.

Yeah? Perhaps don’t use words like “perhaps”. It’s a total boner kill. 

That’s so edgy and totally unlike what most people tell themselves.