elle

Roasted Chestnuts

Bishop’s Garden

Richard Feynman's love letter to his deceased wife, 1946.

D'Arline,

I adore you, sweetheart.

I know how much you like to hear that -- but I don't only write it because you like it -- I write it because it makes me feel warm all over inside to write it to you.

It is such a terribly long time since I last wrote to you -- almost two years but I know you'll excuse me because you understand how I am, stubborn and realistic; and I thought there was no sense to writing.

But now I know my darling wife that it is right to do what I have delayed in doing, and that I have done so much in the past. I want to tell you I love you. I want to love you. I will always love you.

I find it hard to understand in my mind what it means to love you after you are dead -- but I still want to comfort and take care of you -- and I want you to love me and care for me. I want to have problems to discuss with you -- I want to do little projects with you. I never thought until just now that we can do that. What should we do. We started to learn to make clothes together -- or learn Chinese -- or getting a movie projector. Can't I do something now? No. I am alone without you and you were the "idea-woman" and general instigator of all our wild adventures.

When you were sick you worried because you could not give me something that you wanted to and thought I needed. You needn't have worried. Just as I told you then there was no real need because I loved you in so many ways so much. And now it is clearly even more true -- you can give me nothing now yet I love you so that you stand in my way of loving anyone else -- but I want you to stand there. You, dead, are so much better than anyone else alive.

I know you will assure me that I am foolish and that you want me to have full happiness and don't want to be in my way. I'll bet you are surprised that I don't even have a girlfriend (except you, sweetheart) after two years. But you can't help it, darling, nor can I -- I don't understand it, for I have met many girls and very nice ones and I don't want to remain alone -- but in two or three meetings they all seem ashes. You are only left to me. You are real.

My darling wife, I do adore you.

I love my wife. My wife is dead.

Rich.