It's very stressful that I can't tag about the gifs here to show the other Raincodians what I can do for them within their fanbase. (I did actually conduct an experiment by using another of my alt blog accounts, then reblog one of my Raincode gif posts with multiple Raincode tags, naturally, it failed)
I may not be able to do fanart but I've done these things:
● Found glitches and bugs in Raincode and proved their existence and how to trigger them.
● Gone into detail about every whump moment in the game while showing screenshots.
● I am able to write fanfiction and even sickfics
●I can even create stickers
● Found other random stuff about the game like stuff from the wiki like the concept art and trivia.
So come on guys... I think I've more than once proved my worth... 😮💨 yeah. It's useless, even if you've paid for your sins with your own blood. It's never enough. Tumblr gave me another chance though... so at least they are more forgiving. Even when all this Raincode shit was getting to the point where i cut myself with a knife and felt I had to show the injury to one of the members and the community to prove just how much this is really mentally straining me.
I wasn't trying to get attention or any of that crap. I felt that nobody was taking me seriously, that I was a joke to them. The knife I used is actually extremely blunt, so blunt that you can barely cut food. This is because my mother banned sharp knifes due to me... especially when my grandmother was dying and I really didn't want to live.
I wanted to cut myself really deeply but the main problem was that I'd draw attention from my mother plus I couldn't really say that "oh yeah. I want to die because I failed with being accepted in another community i failed to be a part of" and my mind also stopped me from damaging myself badly because of how my family might react. Plus they mean so much to me, so i am always stuck with life even when I desperately want death. It's annoying. And makes me look worse as everyone thinks that I'm a drama queen or something.
So yeah... all I could do was pathetic scratches that barely bled much. But at the time I really felt like stabbing the sins out of me, after upsetting the fanartist, being told that the bridges are burnt beyond repair... all that after I was going through shit with another community anyway. It became too much. I wasn't even on a fucking Discord and yet I get blocked by someone on my first day on Tumblr. How embarrassing is that? Just because I didn't understand that you aren't supposed to talk much in the comments section or something and that i was trauma dumping on the fanartist when I was only trying to reach out to them, saying that I've been through something similar. Yet I got dismissed because I was a "stranger" basically a nobody. And because I made her feel uncomfortable. She blocked me and that hit me really damn hard. I was crying. It was hell.
This is my truth. I really did cut myself with a knife, a very VERY blunt one I took and hid in my bedroom and showed my injuries to the community as proof. Yeah, it wasn't the best action at all. And I'll always regret it, yet at the time I was mentally unstable in my emotions. Luckily Tumblr had the public image I posted removed, yet instead of banning me outright, they still let me use the platform. They sent an email even saying about the mental health services stuff (legally nowadays they have to) but I was surprised that I was still on Tumblr.
So... here we are. And yes I've felt like deleting my blogs and permanently leaving multiple times but after how much time and effort I've spent here, doing stuff for the entire whump community and this place. I might as well make the most of it. After all, i may be the only person who was insane enough to do all of that for free for people.
I don't think anyone in the Raincode community is that desperate for acceptence. Even if they were, I really don't think they would have done what I did. No wonder they call me psychotic. I go to great lengths to make a point, I take things literally and you've seen how far my crazy ideas can go. I mean.... WHO even thought about making a whump archive of every single whump moment in video games? No one sane enough would even dare to try that on Tumblr, mostly it's just random whump posts, art, fanfics not something you'd see on a fucking website like article styled posts about whump in a video game.
Even during these years of silence from the community. It certainly wasn't easy trying to explain to my mother.
I don't normally show personal real life conversations but this is related to the Raincode stuff and how it's affected me for years. I can't just "move on" "get a therapist" this is something that will stay with me for life. Especially as it's another nail in the coffin for any kind of social life outside my isolation i could of had.
The problem is that being myself doesn't work. I was being myself when I reached out to that fanartist. I felt sorry for them. Being myself still draws people away, i had it all my life. That's why I ended up being a tryhard, even copying others in how they bring up a conversation.
I only believe now that I am cursed. Our whole family is cursed as we all struggle with socialising and barely have any friends. No matter what we do or how we present ourselves. People just gravitate away from us.
Look. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm telling the truth about how this stuff bleeds out into reality. Yeah... "take a break from the Internet" I've done that before and it doesn't solve the issue. It just makes it that the other side has got away with it. That you really are a nobody to them, that you'll only keep failing over and over again. It's a very deep and complex scenario. One i believe very few people understand.
Regardless. I only get told the same thing. In the format I can translate to; just move on and don't grovel in it, these people don't want you and you should just leave them to it. Let them party and talk about Raincode in Valhalla whilst I'm stuck in the rain in permanent outcast hell. Nothing is going to make them invite you into the gates of heaven, you had one chance and you blew it so now you are forever undeserving of the entire Raincode community. Everyone has blocked you, you are talked about as being a terrible person who harassed a fanartist and her friends. You deserve hatred, hell and loneliness forever. They don't need to apologise as they did nothing wrong, it was you :) it was always you, your existence is the problem and you'll never be accepted anywhere.
This is what i have to live with every single day. They may probably live in fear of me but at least they are fully protected and can still be their merry whumpy adorable selfs...........yeah... I can so imagine them wanting to be friends or good terms with me after hating me for so long. Only the Raincodians who weren't even with them would want anything to do with me. But that fanartist and her friends? Hell nah,
Even over my dead body. They'd be celebrating that they are finally free from my existence.
