Anmoku no Kanjo

Here I am.

Thinking, contemplating. Overthinking, worrying.

In advance, I am already tearing up.

My decision to depart is already tearing me inside out.

I need to say goodbye to the people I love, the place I call home, the culture I've known to welcome strangers, live in another place and embrace a new culture. That departure symbolizes the death of my comfort zone; the birth of new challenges and experiences that I might love so much they will dull my other memories here in the Philippines.

Then there's this chewing feeling inside me. It's a guilt trap that starts growing, fed by my desire to be near him. When I leave, I am doubting if my reliever will be able to take care of him the way I do. I know that my version of caring is too much for an underling but what can I do? This is my version of the 'right thing', in exchange for all the kindness I have been shown. When he needs me the most, I might not be there. That's the ultimate heartbreak I am anticipating.

Someday, you’ll be in a situation where your dreams, aspirations, beliefs and faith shall be tested. You’ll see, experience and you’ll realize that there are obstacles along the way. You’ll muster all your perseverance as you try to defy challenges. Then you’ll break. You’ll cry. You’ll try to make yourself smaller, huddled in the corner.

That’s okay. Vent out. Shed all your tears. Take your time as you try to heal yourself, but no matter what, try to heal. It’s the least you could do for yourself, you’re only path to redemption. Pick yourself up, reclaim your dignity.

The moment you lose faith in your belief, you’ll feel defeated and utterly so. It’s normal to feel disenchantment. It may seem negative, but rejoice. The wool has been lifted above your eyes. The glamour has been broken. Where deception reigned, awareness took its place. Once awakened, never asleep. Knowledge gained will never be lost.

Don’t grow cynical though. Experiences we learned should not be used to gain advantage and revenge over the weak and who wronged us. Let wisdom amidst life’s developments teach us utmost humility and compassion, whenever possible.

Memories are more memorable when they are associated with emotions. The movie Inside Out taught us this. The concept of core memories is laudable. The more intense the emotion you feel during a particular scenario, the more you’ll easily remember. Even if you do not have an eidetic memory and you can’t boast a robust photographic memory, through emotions, you can remember easily and vividly.

Sore ga no saigodesu.

I am already sad though we haven't parted ways. not now but eventually, we will. Everybody bids farewell from time to time.

His smile is the radiant beam second to the sun to greet my day.

His laughter are pealing bells, the sound reverberating with pure joy and genuine humor.

His wit is a vast library I always find myself lost into.

His kindness is a magnet I can’t help but be drawn to.

His name is a talisman that makes me safe and sane in this chaotic world.

Now that I’ve grown, I believe that physical looks are not the sole basis for loving somebody but their personality, the sum totality of their existence. He was handsome to me.

I don’t know why I am falling. Or why I already fell and desperately trying to stand up, gain my bearings, denounce my feelings and rebuke my inner desires. Who’s fault is it? Is it his, since he was the one who made me feel this way? Or is it me, for allowing myself to fall on my own knowing that this is love unrequited? I don’t want to talk about mistakes anymore and point my shaking fingers on anyone. All I want is to love. All I want is to be happy. All I want is to be anchored in this world, have that safe rock where I know I’m protected and cherished. All I want is him.

But I can’t have him. He’s with someone else and I cannot risk jeopardizing that precious union. I just can’t. Maybe I am too assuming he wants me too, I can’t bare my heart out to him because the man I love the most is the man who can hurt me the most. I am not afraid of what society might say, I am afraid of what he might say.

Sometimes people don’t deserve to be in your life. Value those who value and cherish you. Leave those who take advantage of you and hurt you.

It’s easy for some people to tell you you committed a mistake than for them to admit theirs.

It’s depressing to have a friend try to use your circle of friends just to make you feel that you don’t matter and you don’t belong.

When you trusted to lend them, they will tell you they can’t make the same sacrifice for you.

Which is better: to have met somebody,

Spend time with them

Only to one day lose them?

Or, to have never met that somebody,

Sparing you the agony and suffering

Because you knew what both of you will eventually part ways?

It all began with a choice.

In the end, we are the very judges

I never knew pain 'til I met you. I never knew longing 'til I lost you. I never knew suffering 'til I let go of you. I never knew regret 'til I wished for another time with you.

You brought a rose and handed it to me. Beguiled by your smile and my eagerness, I grabbed it. I never noticed until it was too late. Alas! I cried nervously when the thorns pricked me.

Nung una palang kitang makita, alam ko na. Tanging ikaw lamang ang nakabighani sa aking puso't diwa. Pananalita'y tipid habang mundo ko'y tumitigil. Ngunit batid ko sa aking nadarama, kailangan kong magpigil.

Dahil sabi nila, ang lahat ng bagay ay may tamang panahon, At kailangan kong magplano ng maigi habang hinihintay 'yon. Ako'y lumalayo. Doon ako sa bandang sulok. Ngumingiti para sa'yo, kahit na ako'y nagmumukmok.

Sa pagtungtong natin sa kolehiyo, ako'y nabigla. Ang mapalapit sa'yo bilang isang kamag-aral ay hindi ko inakala. Siguro, pero sigurado akong ako'y sinusitil at sinusubok ng tadhana. Handa akong tumalima't sumugal; bahala na.

Ngunit alam kong hindi pa ito ang tamang panahon. Ang maging mapusok at agarang paglalahad ay hindi naayon. Isa, dalawa, tatlo, may apat pang nalalabing baitang Isama mo na ang 'sandamakmak na hadlang.

Siguro, pero sigurado ako na baka ito na ang hinihintay ko. Ako na ang kusang lumapit, nagpakilala at nakipagkaibigan sa'yo. Ginintuan ang bawat butil ng buhangin na pumapatak sa orasan Kung lilipas ang pagkakataong ito, maaring mawala ang magpakailanman.

Habang umuusad ang una, ikalawa, ikatlong markahan sa paglipas ang panahon, Tayo'y naging mas malapit sa isa't-isa bungad na rin ng pagkakataon. Sino ang mag-aakala? Ang dating magkakilala'y naging magkaibigan Balang araw, wika ko. Panalangin ko kay Bathala, nawa tayo'y magkaibigan.

Subalit sa 'di sinasadyang pangyayari, ang aking karibal ay umeksena. Ako'y nabahala sapagkat ako'y naetsapwera at nawala sa istorya. Sa loob lamang ng maikling oras, sa kanya ika'y mas napalapit. Siya. Oo, siya. Napakaswerte niya. Ikaw ang kanyang nabingwit.

Malamang sa malamang, ang aking pag-aalsabalutan ay napapanahon. Pack up na, uwi na, may nanalo na. Sa puso mo'y siya na ang kampeon. Alam kong masakit. Ako'y umasa, lumaban ngunit sa huli ako'y bigo. Mga mata ko'y namumula sa luha. Ang puso ko'y nagdurugo.

Pinilit kong pagtuunan ng pansin ang aking pag-aaral. Siguro, sa mga parisukat at tatsulok kita malilimot habang nakakamit ko ang dangal. Kung sabagay, study hard not study heart ang sabi nila inay, Diploma't mga pangarap muna bago ang ibang mga bagay.

Hektik and iskedyul kaya hindi ko na namalayan ang pagdaan ng panahon. Sa katiyagaan, natapos ko na rin ang pagbuno sa apat na taon. Habang inaabot ang diploma't medalya ako'y nakangiti sa kamera at madla. Ngunit ang sayang aking nadarama ay kasinungalingan, walang duda.

Sapagkat ang matamis mong "Oo" at labi ang ninais kong makamtan At makita ng malapitan ang iyong mga matang puno ng kariktan. Ngunit sa kalagitnaan ng pag-aaral ika'y naglahong parang bula. Sa tsismis ko nalamang ika'y nakipagtanan kung kaya't ika'y nawala.

Ako ma'y naguguluhan, tuloy ang pag-usad ng sarili kong panahon. Sa mas malalaking alon at hamon ng buhay, ako'y tumugon. Isang araw, nakita kita sa may bangketa kalong ang isang munting bata. Pinapatahan mo siya't hinehele habang ika'y nagbebenta.

Ako'y nagilalas sapagkat sa kabila ng stres sa buhay, ika'y maganda pa rin. Nagdalawang isip ako kung ikaw ba'y lalapitan. Ang pag-irog ko sa iyo'y nanaig pa din. Tayo'y nagkausap, nagbalitaan. Hindi man nakapagtapos, ikaw ay masaya. Ika mo, "Mahirap man ang aking pakikibaka sa buhay, basta't sila'y aking kasama."

Mahal kita ngunit hindi ko ito nabanggit sa iyo habang may panahon. Saan ba ako nagkamali? Hindi ko alam kung saan magmumula. Dito ba o doon? Muli, pack up na, finish na. Sa trabaho ko na lang ibubuhos ang aking atensiyon. Sabagay, importante may bonus. Lintik na pag-ibig, walang kwentang emosyon.

Hanggang nabalitaan ko na sa ikalima mong pangananak ika'y pumanaw. Pumatak ang aking mga luha. Emosyon ko'y bumuhos. Mundo ko'y nagunaw. Hindi ko man napanalunan ang matamis mong pagsinta, Mas gugustuhin kong ika'y nabubuhay na kapiling siya.