This Shitshow Is My Life

hey everyone! so, i saw this great post by @thothirai on michaela leaving and how fans are not extending enough empathy to her, and it made me want to do a full breakdown of michaela’s motives.

i think that people tend to minimise relationships that aren’t marital in general AND people were only getting fran’s perspective, so michaela ends up being a bit demonised for doing what’s best for her: the person that lost her brother, cousin and best friend who has supported and protected her since birth. this choice is obviously purposeful and will probably have great payoff, but the audience is already prone to villainizing her because she’s a queer black woman. people can really lack empathy and take everything in a surface level way, so i’m not surprised by that at all.

i think what’s interesting is that they were both acting a bit selfishly. to me, michaela’s biggest flaw isn’t avoidant tendencies, but selflessness to the point of selfishness, if you get what i mean? she was a pillar of support for fran the entire few weeks-month of the funeral, meaning she at times set aside her feelings. i think she might have done that either way bc grief is something that isn’t processed linearly, but i think helping fran out of her self-hatred and grief was what was most important to her. she also doesn’t have a support system in the same way fran does. no one really knows or asks how she feels, and as john’s cousin vs fran being john’s wife, michaela’s grief is sidelined by EVERYONE.

BUT she’s happy being with fran and loves every moment she’s around her. she loves watching her heal and focus on how john LIVED. but then fran looks at her so adoringly and touches her and says that she feels so close to her and that she doesn’t want her to leave, but then her guilt for loving her comes back tenfold and she feels trapped. if she stays, she’ll hate herself everyday, and if she leaves, she’ll still hate herself but have more room to avoid her veryy confusing feelings. she also kind of minimises her importance for fran. i think she sees fran’s massive, loving, and accepting family and assumes that she’s not necessary. you can even see how little support michaela has in the wake scene, where fran is surrounded by love and support vs michaela, who at most has janet (who’s similar to john in her introversion and reservedness, based on that convo with john in ep 6).

she doesn’t tell fran bc she’s scared fran will either push the truth out of her, which isn’t an option, or corner her into staying, which will make her constantly feel self-hatred and guilt and eat away at her. so i GET her not telling her she’s leaving. i hope that we find out she’s sent letters (like in the book), but unlike michael, her letters have an apology for abruptly leaving and explain that it was all too much. what i want is for fran to see the letters and be so mad and scared of rejection from her most cherished friend she doesn’t open the letters and just STEWS.

on fran’s end, she never checks up on michaela, she lashes out when mich offers an alternative way to grieve (which we understand from fran’s perspective, but doesn’t really make it right), and everything, including her plea for michaela to stay, is centred around her and her own grief. but its so clear that if michaela just told her about how difficult it is and how miserable she feels under all the jokes and smiles, she would be more understanding and supportive.

fran also doesn’t deserve the additional trauma. she’s facing feelings of inadequacy and abandonment bc of her husband’s sudden death and then her most cherished friend, who from her perspective has no reason to leave her and has promised to stay, just LEAVES?? she must feel like there’s something wrong with her or like she’s inadequate. what she’s missing is the fact that she actually is so important and so perfect as she is for michaela that it’s too much. that michaela left bc of how strongly she loves fran and that fran’s her favorite person in the world. once she finds that out, it’ll be so satisfying to see her loved as she is without her facade of perfection and desire to adhere to societal pressures.

point being, they’re both just human! yes, michaela’s a bit more in the wrong bc she left right after promising she would stay, but her reasoning is so valid. imagine the guilt, grief, and self-hatred she must feel for loving fran, the one person that’s off limits bc she was her cousin’s wife. her cousin that was the only person that knew she liked women and still loved her unconditionally. imagine how covetous she must’ve felt, even though she also was so happy that john got to experience such love and understanding. that she knows john deserves it but feels totally undeserving of being understood and loved by the one other person she loves? my heart breaks for her.

and its worsened by the fact she’s a lesbian during a time where she’d have to hide. she must feel so helpless bc there’s no way that fran could even feel a BIT of how mich feels for her. i’m sure she logically knows fran would probs take her being a lesbian well, but imagine how scared she must be at the possibility that she’d be disgusted by her preferences or ice her out? she has so many feelings and fears to protect and she just didn’t know how to deal 🥺

When John says to Fran in S4 that when they’re together he’s travelling closer to her in both body and heart, you could see that Fran was so touched and wanted to experience that so much. And she will! Sex won’t just be about her and Michaela falling for each other, it will bring Fran closer to herself - a personal as well as romantic and sexual self discovery.

Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Swann