Dylan Cozens Enthusiast

every day people are out here weaving elaborate fictional narratives for nhl players meanwhile pwhl players will just straight up say shit like “we were skinny dipping with team canada while training for the olympics and a shooting star passed overhead and no one else saw it but us and we locked eyes and thus began a secret teammate romance that almost fell apart after we lost the gold medal but the next time our teams played against each other she chased down my team bus after the game to win me back and seven years later we were married and I said in my wedding vows that she was the wish I had always dreamed of and I didn’t realize it until now.” anyway true story and it happened to my girl laura stacey.

SUZUKI WAS RIGHT THAT CAUFIELD AND SLAFKOVSKY WOULD BOTH GET THEIR MILESTONE GOALS TONIGHT

unfortunately claude giroux is just the guy of all time. enemy of the state and by state I mean the western half of pennsylvania. these days he is known primarily for a) never winning anything and b) being eerily good at making pigeon noises. as a teenager he had to pick between going pro at hockey and going pro at bowling. when he was 21 he moved in w a recently divorced father of three a decade his senior and regularly picked up the man's kids from elementary school. once got arrested for grabbing a male cops ass on canada day. met his current wife while playing beer pong w both his wrists in casts. the only reason his dick is not on the internet is a conveniently placed beer can. gets constantly bullied by his infant teammates who love to wear shirts w his face printed on them and zero context. his hometowns junior hockey team love him so much they switched their logo to a picture of him as a lumberjack. he used to (?) own two dogs who look exactly like him. he once sent out joint family christmas cards w his landlord where they used a portmanteau of their last names. his wife's name is pronounced ryan. he is obsessed w grilled cheese sandwiches. the most goody two shoes golden boy poster child of hockey hates his ass w a vengeance. he is franco-canadian but he is Not from québec. he is ginger. he is lying about his height. during the 2024-25 nhl season his car got stolen twice within 3 months. he loves shania twain and likes wearing pink. he used to go into the eagles dressing room and ask to arm wrestle random football players. he is one of less than 60 out of 700+ active NHL players to wear a neck guard and it makes him look like a slutty dilf in a turtleneck.