So I was encouraged to “journal” to get some of the stuff that runs through my head out..so I’m going to try and do this but knowing me, I’ll write one post and forget I agreed to commit to it and not write another one for months.. oops.
Anyways, I’ll make this post about some of the positive things about my job. And save all the negative depressing shit for a different day, different post.
Let me start by saying that I love my job. I never thought I would find a job straight out of school that I absolutely loved. You always imagine that working for a living will suck and you’ll hate it but you’ll do it because it’s what is expected of you and what needs to be done. You never imagine that it’s something you’ll genuinely love...but I was wrong. My job is everything I had hoped for when I went into nursing school. This job provides me with what I had always hoped to gain as a nurse and I’ve only been a nurse for a year and a half. How did I ever get so lucky?
Although I don’t enjoy working NOC because of the hours, I do love other parts of it. I think I get more face time with my residents working NOC because I have less treatments and “nursing” things to do so I get more time to sit with a resident and chit chat. I would miss that if I worked days because you’re so busy all day long. My little talks with my residents is my favorite part. There’s two residents in particular right now that have imprinted themselves on my little heart and they are the two I want to talk about right now. Although all my residents have impacted me and they all hold a special place in my heart, these two are sticking out to me lately so I want to talk about them to start.
We’ll start with my little lady, M. I took care of her as a CNA. I took care of her husband as a nursing student. I’ve known her for a long time. We’ve grown pretty close since I’ve taken the NOC position on the unit I work on. She is the last resident’s room I go into at night so I would always sit and talk with her for 15-20 minutes and we’d just talk about what was going on and just different little things. I really look forward to these little chats. She’s with it enough to hold a conversation and remember it weeks down the line so it’s easy to talk with her. She always asks about my boyfriend and my family, like she genuinely gives a shit. It’s just nice to talk with someone who is very reminiscent of my grandmother. She’s had a lot of medical issues back to back recently and it’s really been bringing her spirit down. She was coming out of her room less, doing things she enjoyed less, basically beginning to give up because well she was sick and tired and sick and tired of feeling that way. So Rene and I took her out to lunch for her birthday to cheer her up. Man, did she love it. She talked about it for days. She was instantly saying how she can’t wait to do it again and was trying to think of a good place to go for next time. A restaurant she hadn’t tried yet that she had always wanted to. She was happy. And it made me happy to know that we were able to do that for her. But then she got sick, again. And she’s just gotten sicker since then. She’s been in the hospital for several weeks now. I’ve visited her multiple times, but she’s sick and tired (like usual) and she just sleeps when I’m there. She had to have a huge surgery done that I always had a feeling would be the end to her because it was a huge change medically, physically, and emotionally and I just thought it would all be too much for her to handle. And, right now...I’m seeming to be right. She was supposed to be discharged back to our facility over the weekend but since then has gone septic and is now in very rough condition. Who knows if she’ll even get to come home to us or if she’ll pass in the hospital. It’s really hard to tell at this point. I’m hoping she’ll get to come back so she can be with us, her only family, when she goes. But I guess only time will tell. It breaks my heart to know she isn’t doing well and may or may not get better. But I try to remember that day we took her out and how we impacted her so much just by doing something so simple.. but man, does it suck knowing she may not be around to chit chat with sometime soon... :/ I pray things turn around for her because I don’t think any one of our residents deserves to die alone in a hospital..
Then there’s my little man, L. He is very reserved and closed off. Doesn’t really let anyone know what’s going on in his head. He has a lot of medical issues as well and was given some not so lovely news recently, but he never really showed how he was processing it all, because he doesn’t really talk much to anyone. And he’s very stubborn and independent and kind of a grumpy old man sometimes, so I feel like he kind of turned off anyone from TRYING to figure him out. But me being me, took it as a challenge. I know he hates being bothered by us nurses. But I figured, me being a NOC nurse who has to do less “nursing” things to do than the day nurses, and between the choices of NOC nurses, I’d be the one most likely to crack him and get him to open up. So, let the journey begin. I’ve been trying for months to gain his trust and get him to open up to me. I’ve done nice things after nice things, I’ve gone out of my way to do things for him. I’ve done way more than I’ve needed to as a nurse for him. I’ve ALWAYS done what I said I was going to do and done it WHEN I said I would do it so that he could see me as someone reliable. I’ve always been joking and playful with him so he wouldn’t view me as some bitchy nurse who just wants to bother him with something. I’ve researched his chart and his medical background to get a better idea of what’s going on with him and what he’s been through. When he got his unfortunate news, I researched for at least 2 hours on things he could do to improve his situation. I got PT to start working with him again (although he doesn’t know I did any of this, I could tell that it was all turning his bad mood around and he was smiling more and joking around with staff more). So I felt accomplished. He has surgeries and procedures done quite often, I would leave him little love notes wishing him good luck and leave them on his night stand when I went home for the day so he would see them when he woke up. I mean, I’ve been working at him for a few months now. And although I wasn’t really seeing any progress until lately, I did notice that although he still rolls his eyes when I bring needles around and that, he never VERBALLY gave me shit like he did with other nurses and I got smiles far more often than anyone else. So it was the tiny accomplishments that I took in stride.
Anyways, my past two nights on were milestones for the relationship I was trying to build between us. He had recently had a surgery done and he was having a lot of pain and circulation issues in his arm/hand. So I spent over an hour in his room trying to regain circulation in his arm so that I wouldn’t have to send him to the hospital (because he would rather die than go to the hospital). And he was so sweet and patient with me. He let me do what I needed to do. He didn’t give me shit for bugging him. He was open minded to all my suggestions. He was great. And I got him feeling better and the next day he was STILL sweet with me and thankful and told the day nurse that I was so sweet and nice to him and stuff which I felt great about. And then...THEN!!! He had bumped his arm and aggravated his stitches so he needed his dressing changed, so I was in his room changing the dressing and when we were done, instead of just leaving and going back to whatever he was doing, he literally just starting spewing off all kinds of stories from when he was younger. He told me all the jobs he did while he was in the Navy. He told me all about his life when he was younger and how he used to be a little shit and con people and just he went on and on for an entire hour! I’ve never heard him talk so much. And he was LAUGHING and SMILING and so happy to talk to me about it and reminisce. and OMG MY HEART. I couldn’t believe that my months of hard work were FINALLY paying off. He has NEVER told anyone on our unit about what he did for a living or what he did in the Navy. He never talked about his life before to anyone. He always keeps to himself and doesn’t talk about anything. My heart was so full knowing I finally broke down some walls with him. I ended up having to go into work on my day off and instead of just strolling past me while I was at the desk, he stopped and smiled and talked to me and watched me play with the cat at work and we were laughing together at how she was playing. I mean, I’ve never felt so accomplished at work and I can’t wait to see how this relationship progresses. I really hope I end up being someone he can genuinely trust with stuff and talk with. I hope this wasn’t an isolated incident and that our relationship can continue to grow. Although I am competing with my NOC CNA, I think I’ve broken more ground than her so I’ll just keep our interactions private now so that she can’t one up me haha.
These positive things are what I need to focus on with my job in order to stay sane but sometimes all I can think about is the negative. So I’m hoping writing it all out, the good, bad and ugly, will make me feel better. So my next post probably won’t be so much full of happy memories but more of the realistic side of my job because those things eat at me as well... Anyways, until next time!
